50k Solo on the Greenbelt Trail

Had a great run today on the Greenbelt Trail on Long Island. I got lost at one point (when crossing Washington from the north, do not go on the white trail with black dots directly across the street; instead, cross, run down the road abt 300 meters and then you'll eventually see the entrance). My favourite part was when I was trying to run around a mud puddle and I slid in and couldn't stop laughing. It was mentally tough, but I pushed beyond: I must be strong for my upcoming ultras; I want to go sub-24 at Umstead. I need to work on becoming more mentally tough.

What Love Can Be Like

A longing that comes upon you while you are loading the dishwasher or weeding the garden or sitting in front of the television or turning out the light to go to sleep, and you don't even know what it is, this longing, and you think maybe you're in need of a vacation or maybe you are dying because the ache of it hurts so fucking much.

--Binnie Kirshenbaum, The Scenic Route

NYC Marathon Race Report

Last Sunday was my fifth New York City Marathon, and my eighth marathon. Everyone was constantly saying to me, "Oh, a marathon? 26.2 miles is nothing to you." I disagreed with them before, during, and after the race. 

I like ultras better because you can stop and that's fine (even normal!), you meet tons of people because you're talking, you get to run slow, you see amazing nature, dirt is soft your feet, changing terrain is interesting.

However, as far as marathons go, I adore New York. The diverse neighborhoods, the people, my friends, family, coworkers (even boss) are all out there cheering me on. The communities really give so much of themselves and you understand why NYC is such an amazing place.

I had a tough race -- mentally and physically. I was aiming for 3:22, though I really wanted sub 3:20. I started out running strong. My first mile was slow because somehow all these 9:30 milers were ahead of me (!) and I had to shove through them all to be able to run a decent pace. I held strong, passing my parents and boss at mile 8 exactly when I was supposed to.

At one point early on, I felt pain, but ignored it -- I drew my energy from the crowds, from my fellow runners. I had a HUGE smile on my face -- nearly the entire time. It is such an amazing race -- even if you don't run marathons, do NYC once. You will be blown away.

Williamsburg was nice, and I saw all my friends from my running team, North Brooklyn Runners, at mile 12. Mile 13 was right by my house, and I felt good. I pushed over the Pulaski Bridge, and saw Megan and Kesha (coworker and former coworker) just past the bridge. I was struggling and starting to feel out of it but kept pushing.

Before we turned onto the 59th St Bridge, I saw these people with a table of food. I found I could no longer eat. (Part of my problem I later see is that I woke up too early, ate breakfast before 5am, and only had a gu and started running at 9:40. Not enough food...) "Please, food! Do you have pretzels?" I ate a bite of apple spice cake and a handful of pretzels. I was able to focus and pick it up.

On the bridge, well, I think if I jumped into the East River I might have felt better. My pace drastically slowed and everyone passed me. Ugh.

On 1st Avenue, I picked it up. How could I not? Like an idiot, I put my name on my shirt, and people would not shut up. Okay, I'll run faster.

After I passed my parents at 91st St, I was still on target for a PR, but not a 3:18.

Harlem...dragged...feet...hurt...felt...like..passing...out...

The Bronx. I stopped to pee. I stopped in a medical tent for pretzels (yes, I eat like an ultrarunner). I hated the Bronx. I always fall apart in the Bronx.

In Manhattan again. WTF? How was I so far north? To run all the way DOWN to 59th St, crosstown, and then up to 68th St? Is there a bus I could take? At least in an ultra, I can munch a brownie or pretzels and walk for a few minutes and there's no shame. In this race, the crowd will not let you walk.

I looked down and saw Nelson's legs -- his red tribal tattoos make him stand out. I ran up to him, and we both admitted we felt hellish. I gave him some jelly beans.

I had a smile, though. At 97th St, I saw my amazing coworker who had a homemade pink pompom and a sign with glitter and my time: 3:22 (which I told her I wanted to break). I was bummed.

Into the park. Thank god. The crowds would not stop screaming. Stupid hills. I've run in this park more than anywhere else, yet it seemed so foreign. I pushed, but wanted to do. "Don't give up! Cherie!!!" I ran on.

I couldn't...wait...to...finish...

Running along the bottom of Central Park takes forever. When I heard the band at the bottom of the park, I felt relief...but then I had to run UPHILL to the finish. The crowds would not shut up. I pushed, I struggled...

I finished.

3:46. Far from my goal time, but I finished. I finished in the city of my love, NYC.

Living

We have to make our lives meaningful. People die by the thousands every day without doing anything. We must make meaning. 

--Ibrahim al-Mugailreeb, Human Rights First

Do not what you want, and then you may do what you like

"Do not what you want, and then you may do what you like."
--Sadasiva

This quote has truly inspired me for several years now. It means so much things to me, but primarily, it teaches me patience.

A few years back, I decided to quit my job and travel. My job was making me miserable, and after an email to my friend Jessica, she wrote me, "Do not what you want, and then you may do what you like." I sat with this quote for a while, and pondered what it meant. It taught me that ultimately I'd be able to do what I liked, what my ultimate goal was, if I sat and was patient and not running off to follow my impulses every other second.

Right now, I have ideas every other second...sell my eggs, quit my job, and move to India...move to California and spend all my time running...keep doing what I'm doing...save up for a RTW...move down to Costa Rica and live on a small farm eating avocados, mangoes, doing yoga, and writing...visit my grandma...visit my best friends...stay at home...knit a scarf for you...bake some more cookies...run 100 miles this weekend...run nothing this weekend...cross-train...ice...do yoga...do stomach crunches...start sending out my work...stay internal...fall in love...pull back...cry...don't cry.

This is a HUGE period of change for me right now. There's a lot of pain but I am trying to look at the possibility of absolutely anything happening. As a slogan for the Boston Marathon was two years ago, "Impossible is nothing." I am trying to embrace that, but with patience. I am living life with my entire heart, but letting my head make the major decisions as well.

Struggle is Beautiful; It is beautiful to struggle

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering,

known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
    --- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Motivate Yourself, Runners

Learn to run when feeling the pain; then, push harder.
--William Sigei

I've never regretted going for a run, but I have regretted skipping one.
--Chris Beck

Sage Advice from a Friend

Sometimes you have to close out some of the old so you can make room for some new. Not fun, but necessary.

Feminism Quote

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

--Rebecca West

Dick Collins Firetrails 50 Miler Race Report

I initially read about the Dick Collins Firetrails 50 Miler in Trail Runner magazine, and it sounded awesome -- good footing, good views, good foods, good people. I fantasized about running it, but didn't register until just a month before the race. I'm so glad I did - it was my favorite ultra ever, probably even my favorite race.

I went to bed early the night before (East Coast time helped me out!) and slept 8 hours, waking up periodically to make sure I hadn't overslept. I arrived at the start, chatted with some really friendly runners, stretched, shivered. The race was fairly chilly at the start -- I started the run with just a tank top and running skirt on, and throwaway gloves (which I wore until mile 20).

With a view like this, how could I not be inspired to run fast?

We started in the dark at 6:30, but as most of it was on pavement in the very beginning, headlamps weren't really necessary. There were some hills, but I pushed on, excited to finally be running a race I heard about months ago and constantly thought about -- especially one that was run by the legendary Ann Trason! Wooohooo! (I don't crush on celebrities, but on ultrarunners like Ann Trason.) I ran the first twenty or so miles with a really lovely woman named Laura; we discussed our desires (and my fears!) to get into the Western States 100 Miler lottery. I lost her when I stopped to pee, and I was happy to see that she finished quite strong (and made the qualifying time for Western States lottery).

Focusing and running hard

The course was hilly -- lots of ups and downs -- and is an out and back. This means that while mile 20-25 you are running downhill, you hate it because you know on the way back you will be walking and suffering. Most of the hills weren't the heavy-breathing-painful-walking-type-hills, but the kind where you could drink some water while power walking or even do a slow run up them. There weren't too many technical portions (yay, because I suck at technical running), but there were some really lovely views, including a bunch of switchback portions which made it difficult to sometimes see how far ahead you had to go.

Smiling big around mile 16

The aid stations -- they were THE BEST of any ultra. Most aid stations tend to run out if you aren't in the top 10% of the race, but this ultra was great. Each aid station had water, heed, S-caps, homemade cookies, homemade brownies, potato chips, pretzels, potatoes with salt, m&ms, watermelon, oranges. I ate brownies, potato chips and watermelon. Yum!

eating a brownie while running=heaven!

I met so many amazing people -- super-friendly runners, aid station volunteers. I was wearing all pink - pink visor, pink tank, pink running skirt, pink gaiters -- so whenever I arrived in an aid station, I got the "Pink lady!" or "Pink!" shouts. It felt pretty good.

I was SO happy to finish. I was pushing as hard as I could, running the hills, and when I saw the finish line, I almost started crying. I ran with my hands high up in the air, pumping them with a massive smile!

Post-race, finishers got a wine glass, jacket, t-shirt, tote bag, and the most amazing post-race BBQ (veggie burgers, grilled meat (if you're into that), homemade soups, pasta salads, corn, amazing dessert, yum) -- I chatted with a newbie and his family, and had the biggest smile!

I had PR'd by an hour and twenty minutes -- I finished in 9:47! I had hoped to break 11 hours, and to break 10 was awesome. I came in the top 100, and this was pretty fantastic in my opinion (out of 234 starters).

Strangely enough, that night I went to a party, had swollen feet but was mostly fine; the next day, the aches were so minimal I barely noticed; I went to San Francisco Burning Man Decompression and danced and walked around for nearly twelve hours. Only my big toenail complained (and looks like we're getting rid of that toenail anyway!), but I felt remarkably recovered from having run a hilly 50 miler!

Finish line rewards!

dick collins firetrails 50 miler - preparation!

I'm so excited - I'm running another 50 miler. 100s are immense, monstrous, require insane amounts of training, and once you do them, 50s seem quick, like cake. I pick my 50 milers based on the beauty of the course, the fun, the volunteers. I hear they serve homemade cookies at the Dick Collins 50, and there's amazing views - so you better believe I'm psyched to run 50 miles there!

As I'm counting down the minutes, I'm resting, cutting back on alcohol, increasing sleep, and getting psyched for some good times on the trails!

what i did today

Oh, the hilarity of Hunter S. Thompson

I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

--Hunter S. Thompson

Excerpt from GIRL by Blake Nelson

What I didn't understand that first couple days was if sex was so fun why didn't people spend, you know, like six or eight hours a day doing it? I felt like I could have. And I looked at all the grownups and older kids and the counselors and I thought how everyone on earth complains they can't get sex but why can't they? Just go meet someone and do it. Everyone wants to, how hard can it be? And even if you don't like that person much you'll be having sex with them and sex is so fun of course you'll start to like them.

--Blake Nelson's GIRL

Packing list for a 50 miler

I began a list of what I'll need for my upcoming Dick Collins Firetrails 50 Miler, and my suitcase is almost already full! I still have to cram in a costume for Decompression, clothes for a few days, and my toiletries.

Here's what I'll need or pack for a typical 50 miler:

• Fuel belt with 1 bottle
• 11 gels (I won't eat them all, but I like the security in having them)
• 4 sports jelly beans
• peanut M&Ms (2 small bags or 1 big bag; I switched from Snickers to M&Ms)
• pretzels
• 1 5-hour energy shot
• 2 pairs of socks
• 2 sports bras
• 2 tops
• 2 running skirts
• Body Glide
• visor
• shades
• Imodium (After what happened at the VT50, I won't do a long race without it!)
• Ginger candies
• Inhaler
• Watch
• Tissues
• Trail sneakers
• Endurolytes
• Gloves
• Long sleeved shirt
  

While I obviously won't use all of it, this is what I like to have for security. If a race is closer, I'll pack more, but since I'll be in SF for 5 days, I need to cram as much as I can into my suitcase and am limiting myself.

Iroquois Trail 50 Miler

The Iroquois Trail 50 Miler on Saturday was full of ups and downs, and a little bit in between - I'm talking more about my state than the hills, though it was pretty much the same for the terrain.

The morning started off chilly - I wore a long sleeved shirt, gloves, and running skirt at the start. I immediately began having challenges with my fuel belt -- apparently, I had lost weight since the VT100 and the stupid belt wouldn't tighten enough so it jostled for the next 50 miles, which was rather annoying. I started the race out full of energy and excited to spend the day running 50 miles. My goal was to PR in a 50, to run sub 11:00, ideally 10:30, but I wasn't sure how difficult the course would be.

Overall, I liked the course. Ups, downs, outs, backs. Nothing too crazy, nothing too insane. My major problem with the course is that it was not always well-marked; I had to stop several times to try to figure out where to go next, and even lost about 10 minutes when I ran in the wrong direction after a poorly-marked switchback.

Around mile 10, I had some "female trouble" and ended up wasting 5 minutes in a stupid portapotty. I took off quickly, only to encounter the shoelaces from hell. (Why were my shoelaces fine on various trail runs, including a 10 hour training run, but I run a race and they can't seem to stay in a knot?) After retying them ten times (I counted), I asked an aid station for help and they duct taped them shut. The volunteers were fabulous (as they often are).

Due to my shoelace issues, I ended up losing the group I was running with so I was alone, which wasn't so bad. Plenty of time to enjoy the scenery, chat with new people, think. I'm going through some pretty strong changes and rethinking, and this was a great to do so. I found I zoned out a bunch of times, moving my feet while passing the trees, up and down, really enjoying the day.

A while back, my friend Brad said the reason he liked ultrarunning was "because you get the highest of highs and lowest of lows." I truly felt that; I had insanely high runner's high, and completely bottomed out at other points. Ultrarunning is SO intense.

I was feeling hopeful about the race as I plugged along, and at mile 41, I ended up going the wrong way around a switchback, and running back in the direction I came. (Where to go after the switchback was not marked well and I went in a circle before going back on the same trail - I was not aware of it.) When a fellow runner informed me of this, I told him it was impossible, then sat on the ground about to cry. I got up and was really angry and he kept laughing.

"Don't laugh, it's not funny!"

"I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you."

"I'm not laughing at all! I'm crying!"

"What do you need? Food? Water? Have you been eating and drinking enough?"

This is what I love about ultrarunning; I bite someone's head off and they offer to help. Later, I thoroughly apologized but part of why I was so desperate to get to the aid station was that I inadvertently didn't take all of my endurolytes and was severely electrolyte-deficient (and felt it). When Leo heard of my predicament, he immediately gave me three from his stash, which helped perk me up. We ran together the next five miles or so, and he really helped me. Not only that, but he was fascinating; we talked about Beat writers, fiction writers, love, life, philosophy, and more. He was a really amazing individual.

I started crashing a bit, and let Leo go ahead of me. To sustain myself, I ate more peanut M&Ms and pretzels, and sang Madonna songs in my head.

From mile 47-49.7 (or something like that), it's all insanely downhill. Insanely. I pushed it hard, and was pleased (though my quads are still hating me).

I finished with a huge smile on my face, but almost about to cry. I knew how hard I had persevered, struggled -- with shoelaces untying and portapotties and getting lost and not enough electrolytes and falling straight on my butt -- but I still did it. Sustained by strawberry banana gu, pretzels and peanut M&Ms, I pushed myself - and felt rewarded. (I also rewarded myself later with an amazing meal at nearby Moosewood Restaurant!)

Next up is the Dick Collins 50 Miler! I can't wait!

"Learned to Surf" - Superchunk

If I seem out of it
I've just gone to find you, Ill be back in a bit
Circles close up but circles are wide
We'll be wearing wigs and costumes, won't need any hole to hide

When I learned to walk, you know humans roamed the earth
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped sinking and learned to surf
When I learned to talk, I found words that weren't worth dirt
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped swimming and learned to surf

If I drift out in channels way too deep
Its cause I can't stand the shifting sand and shells under our feet
Put your suitcase down, and leave your shoes
Gently by the door, in a puddle with your blues

When I learned to walk, you know humans roamed the earth
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped sinking and learned to surf
When I learned to talk, I found words that weren't worth dirt
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped swimming and learned to surf

When I learned to walk you know humans roamed the earth
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped swimming and learned to surf
When I learned to talk, I found words that weren't worth dirt
Heavy like the rocks we carry, I stopped sinking and learned to surf

I stopped swimming and learned to surf
Stopped swimming, learned to surf
I learned to surf
I learned to surf.

my love affair with healthy toes

It has been said before that runners talk about three things: running, food, and poop. I think we can also add "our ugly feet" into that as well.

I used to have beautiful feet (I've been told!), but with the obsession of ultrarunning in my life, my feet are far from the lovely petals they once were. I've lost toenails, had blisters, and even was starting to form bunions.

Enter Healthy Toes. These fabulous toe stretchers work to stretch your toes and straighten them. I've only been using them about two weeks, but already, I feel stronger in my toes, they look straighter, the bump seems smaller, and yes, they look LESS UGLY! I wouldn't say they're beautiful, but they are looking better!

Thank you to my beautiful friends

I have been going through some pretty intense changes lately, and as I prepare to paint my walls, paint my heart, paint my career, I am glad there are so many wise individuals that listen to me and hold me when I crumple and fall.

Special thanks to Nelson for reminding me:


There is a whole world out there... It is available for everyone!

beautiful video of reasons of why i went to burning man

greener grass

my mother and her friends have taken to romanticizing my life. "we wish we did what you did...graduate school, live on our own in the city, travel, go out, do whatever we pleased." it's really not that great - but i still think it's the best option for me.

i don't always want to be like this. sometimes, i hate struggling, living in nyc on a nonprofit salary, not having the means to save up for a house, in relationship turmoil...i think of my little sister, who had her long island fairytale wedding and is living in a house with her two cats and her doctor husband and feel a twinge of jealousy of how stable and easy and how american dream her life must be...but things aren't always as they appear, especially below the surface.

coming back from burning man, a week of absolute freedom ("can you believe it? no one knows freedom. all those people in russia and london and all across the states and everywhere in the entire world - none of them knows freedom," said a guy from santa rosa to me whose camp i stopped by at burning man.), of being able to be who i completely am without any restrictions - i suddenly am in my smushed apt, trying to figure out what's next. i'm thinking clearing some of the crap out of my apartment, out of my life, repainting, maybe some races...but is all of that immediate and should i be thinking more of my future? but i don't know what my future is, what it holds. i could fall in love with a stranger on the subway tomorrow. i could discover deep sea diving. i could learn how to fly on fairy wings. literally, in nyc, anything can happen. i love running through the streets, seeing the fashion, the diversity of people, of lifestyles, of being.

i'm enjoying all of this. i'm enjoying my not-so-stable life. there are more tears than i'd like, and more confusion and struggle, but i'll take these as learning lessons. what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. i have to start figuring out next steps, where i'm going. will i stay in nyc? does my job really want to support my growth? should i travel soon, and most importantly, where? is a RTW in my future? all these things are quite murky and cloudy, but i have confidence that i'll figure them out, even if it's in a fumbling manner. i know eventually, probably at the last minute, i'll have the answers, but i think that's what life is all about: finding the answers, living in search of those answers.

side effect of burning man

you'll lose weight. i lost 5 pounds this year (and i'm pretty thin to begin with) by having zero appetite, biking hours each day in difficult conditions across the playa, running, dancing, eating snow cones, having a blast. i ate whenever food was offered or something looked appealing, and hydrated well (including mojitos).

Generation A

Generation A by Douglas Coupland


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
A+ Another stellar work of Coupland's. Although it's not out in the U.S. for another two months, I paid $40 for a copy to be shipped to me from Canada - and SO worth it. A brilliant story full of shorter stories and poignant one-liners. Reminds me of Generation X in a way (the story-telling element). The time is sometime in the near-future, and bees don't exist anymore...but suddenly, five people in five different countries are all stung by bees. This is their story as they create stories, try to make sense of their situation, and the world. I am going to immediately read it again.

View all my reviews >>

burning man 2009 full recap

so burning man was amazing. it blew me away. there was a lot of time spent thinking, meditating, coming to realizations about my life. i loved being cut off from phone and email without the stress of work, family, cleaning cat vomit, whatever. sure, i had time to play and drink and dance, but i also got the taste of ultimate, absolute freedom...the kind where you stretch your arms out with an amazingly huge smile, knowing that you can do whatever it is you want...

everyone has been asking me how it was. in a word: AMAZING. ASTONISHING. BRILLIANT. EVERYTHING I WANTED AND MORE. there were so lows, but mostly highs, and i can't even begin to tell you how much it changed my life.

here's a very, very high-level overview of just some of the things i did:

• rode on pegs of some boy's bmx bike (have never done that before)
• started liking tequila (in margaritas and also in the "jet fuel" served at one of my fave dancing and hooping spots, PleasAir)
• spanky's wine bar
• looked at the stars and planets with a boy with this powerful astronomy pen
• chilled with old and new friends
• lots and lots of hula hooping
• lots and lots of trampoline jumping
• diy workshop
• did a labyrinth of lights
• got counseling by two guys tripping on acid on relationship issues
• ran the perimeter
• ran the black rock city 5k (and placed second!)
• let strangers take care of me
• took care of strangers
• female workshop
• sangria slut social
• librarian cocktail party
• playa art
• playa dust & duststorms
• art cars
• rode an incredibly steep enormous slide
• got massage, gave massages
• connected with friends
• naughty colouring
• more trampolines
• dementha, mojitos, dancing, mint
• buddha bunny
• pink mammoth
• wrote in temple
• kostume kult's kostume dome
• watermelon (so tasty in the hot dessert)
• rock bottom
• biked lots
• had bike pedals fall off, bike troubles
• had strangers help me fix my bike
• biked around/wandered around in duststorm
• pickle martinis
• madonnathon
• bad advice, lots of it
• hot pink fake fur bikini w/ matching legwarmers
• fall in love each and every moment
• temple burn
• packing, unpacking, traffic
• nothing is awful, everything is wonderful, burning man makes life amazing

burning man 2009

how do i even begin to start describing burning man? it's like going to your fantasy world where you can do whatever you want.

i still am overwhelmed with returning...with showers and normal food and work and email and cell phones and subway doors closing and being clean and not being judged or scolded or yelled at...it was amazing, brilliant, absolute freedom.

i'm still cleaning up, trying to figure out how to take the next steps of my life. they're going to be different -- that's a definite, but how to do them, that's another story.

i'll update more with lots of photos and the full story soon.

off to burning man!

i'm signing offline for a few weeks - i'm first flying to portland to run hood to coast with a bunch of friends. it's a 197 mile relay from mt hood in oregon to the coast. apparently, there's a huge party at the end which sounds like a blast. wooohooo! the day after we finish, i'm heading back to portland, grabbing a rental car, picking up rachelle's bike, picking up rachelle, grabbing food and water, and making the 11-12 hr drive down to BURNING MAN! we'll be dancing, making art, hula hooping, meeting rad people, revelling with pink hair and fairy wings and costumes...i can't wait!

PRE LOVE & Other Running Quotes

It seems when I was younger, I had a bit of a Pre-obsession. I found a bunch of quotes I used to have on my wall in a box in my parents' house the other day; here are some of the best for your runners out there to be inspired by.

You think, 'Why should I do this? i don't have to run this hard.' But that's when I think about them. They keep me going.
--Pre

Running is the only sport. The rest are just games.

I'm going to try to work it out so in the end it will be a pure guts race, and if it is, I am the only one that can win.
--Pre

Life is thirst.
--Leonard Michaels

You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement.
--Pre

I'm not afraid of losing. But if I do, I want it to be a good race. I'm an artist, a performer. I want people to appreciate the way I run.
--Pre

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice your gift.
--Pre

Being fast has nothing to do with speed; it's how much pain you can handle.
--Pre

Some people create with words, or with music, or with a brush and paints. I like to make something beautiful when I run. I like to make people stop and say, "I've never seen anyone run like that before." It's more than just a race; it's a style. It's doing something better than anyone else. It's being creative.
--Pre

overnight training run at harriman -- followed by a 5 mile road race

Despite just having started training again post Vermont 100 miler, when some of my trail friends asked who's up for a long overnight run in Harriman Park, I immediately said yes. I wish I had done an overnight training run prior to Vermont.

We met on the Upper East Side at 6pm. Garth quickly quipped that he was one of the few men in Manhattan with duct tape on his nipples that evening. Hmmm, I'd be willing to bet he was one of the only ones. After setting up our aid station a.k.a. dropping our water around Mile 10 (which we'd pass twice), we headed to Tuxedo and began the trek after 8p.m.

Headlamps were immediately in order, and I was pleased with my fabulous Myo-XP. The trails were very rocky, technical, hilly, with lots of walking, careful foot planting (and inevetibly, tripping). My stomach somehow felt okay, and I began gelling every hour. Lisa led the four of us (she knows the trails best, and she's the fastest), and Lisa, Scott, Garth and I stayed fairly close -- Lisa and I chatted much of the time, and even if we couldn't hear Scott and Garth as clearly, we could always see their headlamps.

At Mile 10, I ate my first Mojo bar ever (wow, they're pretty awesome), and felt good. It was strange to be running so late, but I wasn't that tired. I still was going strong. Every so often, we'd run across this open rock face, and see the clear amazing starry sky -- it was truly beautiful.

I was happy to see no wildlife except for lots of deer. (I'm afraid of being eaten by a bear, so I'd rather not see any while running.) We heard coyotes at one point, and I tried not to think about the fact that I was running towards their howls. Step, step, step. Careful plod.

When we looped back past our aid station again, I took a 5 hour energy shot. My energy didn't soar like it has other times, but I felt less sleepy. As the run went on, my coordination (okay, so I normally don't have very much) was shot and I found myself doing the butt slide down several steep rock declines.

We finished sometime after six, and celebrating by changing into dry clothes (dry running clothes for me) and eating. I didn't eat that much, but drank a good deal of water. We drove back to the city, high on our great run but exhausted.

At this point, a sensible person (But would a sensible person decide to go running for 10 hours overnight? Probably not.) would go home and go to bed. Instead, I went straight into Central Park and met up with my team, North Brooklyn Runners, for the team championships. I ate some of my pbj on bagel, and my stomach started feeling wrecked shortly after. Great...I hoped I wouldn't throw up.

After cheering on the boys, the women's race went off. I felt so ill but pushed out a first mile in 7:20. Respectable. I decided not to kill myself, but to push myself on every downhill; otherwise, I could chill/try not to vomit. That strategy worked, and I finished just over 38 minutes. I was pleased, considering I did it on no sleep and a 10 hour trail run the night before.

We hung out in the park for a bit, and headed to the subway. This is where I should have gone home and showered and went to bed. Instead of going to bed, I headed to McCarren Park, where my team had a yummy picnic. Despite my sworn hatred of tequila, my friend Matt handed me a mango mint margarita he made -- I drank two and and relaxed in the sunshine with good friends and fab runners.

And then I took a nap.

lessons learned from the vermont 100 miler

The Vermont 100 Miler (#vt100) was my first hundred miler, and since finishing two weeks ago, I've thought a lot about what I could have done differently. My goal was a sub-24 hour finish, which I know I could have done had everything been aligned -- but everything wasn't aligned. When you're running 100 miles, you're not thinking very clearly. Now I am and thinking back on a few things I know I'll do differently next time...

• Take ibuprofin if you need it. My feet were swelling ridiculously, and while I was carrying ibuprofin with me, and had some in every drop bag, I didn't take any. I chalk it up to cloudy thinking.
• When you're sleepy, take caffeine. I had some in my drop bags, but I probably should have carried some with me. I didn't take it b/c I didn't want to, and at one point, I was swerving across the path (good thing I wasn't a car or I would have hit something).
• Don't talk to your pacer for a while before. Mecca caught me up on some good stories, gossip, etc., which was great when I was sleepy.
• Change your socks. I almost changed my socks earlier, and wished I had -- I never would have had swollen, rash-covered, blister-covered feet if I had. I thought my feet were fine, and the pain didn't start until mile 55 or 60 or so. So next time -- I'm changing my socks frequently.
• Bring an extra pair of shoes - a half size larger. A friend recommended this to me, and I thought, "Spend all that extra money...and how can I size myself in a shoe a half size larger?" I wish I did. With my allergic reaction, my feet swelled up so big that I couldn't get my feet into anything other than flip flops for a few days. No joke: the Monday after, I couldn't stuff my foot into my Birkenstocks and had to go home from the doctor's in a surgical boot.
• Baby wipes would've made me feel fresher.
• Eat. My stomach was wrecked and I decided I couldn't eat gels but I wished I tried to, or tried something other than all the solid food I was eating.
• Drink less. I drank so much I was stopping every 20 minutes -- good thing I was running with guys who were stopping the same. I ended up gaining 4 pounds between mile 47 and 70! This also could've had to do with the eating all solid foods thing.
• Bring toilet paper. I was peeing nonstop, and there's not toilet paper hanging from the trees. I was using leaves, and I told Mecca, "It'll be a miracle if I don't get some sort of infection after this race." Yay for miracles.

I'm sure there are other things, but these are a few of the things I've learned. I had a blast, and I'm so glad I met so many amazing people and had a great support crew. I can't wait for my next -- and yes, there will be a next -- 100 mile run!

Great Margaret Atwood Quote

A [breakup] is like an amputation. You survive, but there's less of you.

have i been thinking wrong?

This past week has been a strange one. After running my first 100 miler, the Vermont 100, I had to deal with my scary feet -- covered with blisters, swollen. I took off work to visit my podiatrist ("I love having such interesting patients." Um, thanks.), and have been spending the rest of the time Not Running. Life has always been full of sparkles when I'm running, and when I'm Not Running, I'm plotting my next run. My doctor told me I had tendinitis -- I think it's minor, but there's been aching in my ankle on and off for a while -- and I'm not running for another week. It's torture, this Not Running. Walking on the beach yesterday, I yearned to be running. I went to the suburbs to visit my mom, I loved the green everywhere -- green trees, lawns, the space, the clean air. I guess that visit and all the time spent Not Running is what triggered this thought pattern below.

I saw my childhood next-door neighbor with her cute 9-month-old baby, my married sister and her husband (It's very weird - they refer to each other as "husband" and "wife" all the time -- they just got married last October so maybe it's still the new exciting thing?), I saw the garages and the lined-up tulips and the straight-up career trajectories and the bicycling kids and my past and thought, "Did I fuck up my future?" Have I been thinking wrong all along? I didn't take the path I was taught to.

I went from college to working for a bit at a nonprofit to my MFA in Writing to my MLS to traveling to working a job...I'm living in Brooklyn in a neighborhood I can no longer afford, and I'm watching my savings slowly dwindle while I work at a nonprofit for the greater good...I'm in an unstable relationship that will probably blow up any minute, especially since he is probably moving away -- and this is a relationship of way too long for me to not know where it is going. It scares me -- I never thought I'd be on this path of I don't know where I'm going. I'm all for Robert Frost and opting for the road less travelled, but I think I'm more or less bushwhacking right now. I don't see the path. I'm covered with cuts, scrapes and bruises. (For the ultrarunners out there, I feel like I'm attempting Barkley.) I'm thinking about the immediate -- drinking from this stream for my thirst, eating some blueberries for my hunger, running for my passion, a pause for rest -- but I don't know if this bushwhacked trail will ever end up on a real trail? Will I arrive at a destination? Is life not about the destination but the journey? But what if the journey is confusing and painful and seemingly pointless and hard?

I'm trying not to let my tears blur my view for the vision of the future; I'm picking out fabrics for dresses to sew, races to run, plane tickets to see family, logisitics for Burning Man, sewing wings for parties. It's painful, it's complicated, it's confusing, it's not easy, it's not what I pictured, but I think I'll roll with it. I'll try to smile, I'll dance in the subway, I'll laugh on a run, I'll call my mother back, I'll eat too many sweets, I'll douse my body with cold water when it's hot...I'll remember that life is good and try not to cry too much -- but also to remember it's great to cry when I'm happy.

vermont 100 miler race report

I've been thinking about this race for SO long...I can't believe I finished it. I truly did it - I ran 100 miles!

I woke up Saturday morning at 2:30 a.m. I ate a peanut butter and jelly on a bagel, stretched a bit, and off to the start. The race started at 4 a.m., and I started with my old headlamp that is very uncomfortable. I didn't wear it on my head, but wrapped it around my wrist (good tip if your headlamp is bothering you) and ended up leaving it with the volunteers at the first aid station at mile 7.

I began running and chatting with Toby, who I'm also following on Twitter. We shortly joined up with a few other runners - Jon from AZ (who I'm also following in Twitter!), Paul from Arkansas, Shane, future Navy Seal (if things work out well for him, which I believe they will), and many others. We had a good group of us, chatting, swapping stories (including weird fishing techniques, eeek!), dishing out the ultrarunning gossip. I love meeting other ultrarunning nerds and talking about ultrarunning.

Mile 9 my stomach required a pitstop and I hoped my race wasn't over. My stomach was hurting me on and off throughout the race - an unfortunate theme throughout this race. When I packed, I had speculated I'd eat 20-24 gels; I ended up only eating 3. The idea of eating a gel was repulsive and as I dry heaved at one point, I decided not to push it. Throughout the race, I ate pretzels, animal crackers, watermelon, gummibears, mini snickers, and other assorted random foods.

After my Portapotty 3 minute rest stop, I caught up to my friends after a few miles. We continued chatting and having fun. We couldn't think, "Only 82 miles to go" or whatever - you can't think like that in an ultra because it becomes too demoralizing. You have to think, "Only 2 more miles to the next aid station."
At Pretty House, mile 21.1, I met up with Mecca (my pacer for the last 30 miles!) and Bill (my handler). They were great throughout - handing me pre-filled (with ice and water) water bottles, handing me food from my bags or aid station tables, helping me get in and out of the aid stations as quickly as possible.

Leaving Pretty House, my stomach was bothering me but I kept running. Our group numbers changed throughout - we'd stop to pee, and some people would pass us, we'd catch up, we'd get new people, lose them - but it was mainly Jon, Shane, and I. We had a great time chatting and keeping our whining down a minimum. My stomach was bothering me, and there were times I wanted to walk, but if I did, I might be alone. So I kept on trucking.
At the first weigh-in at Camp 10 Bear, I was the same weight. Yay! Good news. I saw Bill again (who oh-so-awesomely got me a yummilicious coffee cake muffin), and he sprayed my scalp with sunscreen. Mecca was napping so she could run all night with me. I ate some watermelon and headed out to the trails with Jon and Shane.
Margaritaville was great fun. Rumour has it, if you drop out here, you get a margarita. My joke was, I don't like tequila (and thus, margaritas) so I couldn't drop out there! I saw Bill again as I devoured some absolutely delicious home-baked cookies (cinnamon chip cookies! chocolate chocolate chip cookies!). Shane had taken off ahead of us, so it was just me and Jon, chatting, running, struggling, but persevering.

It was sometime after Camp 10 Bear that I began drinking too much water. I drank almost an entire bottle in between each aid station, and since the aid stations are 2-5 miles apart, this wasn't the best thing. I was peeing nonstop, but luckily Jon was too b/c we kept stopping alongside the trail. By the end, we weren't even looking for bushes. Just, "I'm stopping here to pee." Jon would move up 5 feet and pee there. Ultrarunners like to talk about "food, running, and pooping," Mecca quipped in the car ride up. Add peeing to that list too.

We headed back into Camp 10 Bear just as it was starting to get dark. When I got weighed in again, I was four pounds heavier. I also attribute this to eating more solid foods. We thought a sub-24 hour finish would be impossible, but were informed that while it would be tough, it was possible. I changed in a dark corner, put on new socks and shoes, sipped a little cold broth, and prepared to leave...just as I did, I started feeling violently ill - freezing cold, nauseas, and dizzy. I sat for several moments in a chair and finally decided we needed to leave.

Mecca accompanied me as I hobbled back to the course. I almost started dry heaving immediately, but then we walked for a while. My feet were KILLING me - they felt like they were so swollen they could barely fit into my shoes. After a while, the nausea subsided and we began very slowly running and walking. Very important ultra lesson: you will often feel worse if you stop, but start walking; eventually you'll feel okay enough to start running again.

We ran into Jon again who was ahead of us with his pacer, and he said he wasn't feeling so well. We stuck together for a while, and I made everyone exchange first kiss stories. Of course the guys said they couldn't really remember, but Mecca and I had many details.

Jon and his pacer held back and Mecca and I continued. When we got to West Winds/Spirit of '76, I was in good spirits. I ate a bit, chatted with the super-duper friendly volunteers (btw, this race is SO well-organized and the volunteers are great and friendly, I recommend it to anyone!) and took off. My feet were hurting me more.

I had been worried a lot about night running. I only slept 6.5 hours the night before (My sleep was punctuated by waking up to look at the clock, or waking up due to Bill's snoring), and I was worried I'd fall asleep or get lost. I put 5 Hour Energy supplements in my bag, along with caffeinated sports jelly beans. My headlamp was really bright, and the course was very well-marked. There were glowsticks every so often, and Mecca and I ran towards the glowsticks hanging from the trees. I started to get sleepy at one point when my feet were hurting me and we were climbing a lot of uphills, and told Mecca to tell me some stories. She's a great storyteller, and really helped keep me awake.

And my feet continued to ache with each and every step. I didn't know what was going on. I typically don't have a problem with blisters, so I wasn't sure what was going on. "My feet hurt so bad, Mecca," I whined, too many times I'm sure. We ended up walking a lot more than I wanted to.

At Mile 88, Bill's Barn, I ended up stripping my socks to change my socks - and saw the scariest feet ever. My feet should've been in a horror movie. They were covered with red splotches, bumps, and yeah, lots of blisters. Later, the podiatrist at the finish line determined that my rainbow-patterned Injinji socks (which I LOVE and feel great and I've worn in a 100k and 50 miler - though this was a new pair) gave me an allergic reaction. My feet broke out in a rash and swelled up, and because my feet were swelling, I got blisters in between and underneath every foot - and in some other spots as well. The woman that was fixing my feet at mile 88, was like, "Oh my god. You're not going to continue, are you?"

Yes, I am!

We rested there for a while - they put me under a blanket because I was shivering and I tried to convince them I'd be okay to run again. I drank some hot tea, rested, let my feet dry. I eventually stuffed my feet into my sneakers (a shoehorn probably would've been helpful as my feet were SO swollen) and Mecca and I hobbled off onto the trails.

The last 12 miles took forever, or it felt like that. I was conscious of the pain with each and every step, and we walked a lot more than I wanted to. I wanted to cry - the pain was that bad. The glowsticks stopped being our guide as the sun came up, and we kept moving. I was so disappointed looking at my watch, seeing a sub-24 hour race impossible, and seeing the time I was out on the course much more than I had thought.
But I finished. I kept going. When I was the "1 Mile to Go" sign, Mecca said, "I hate that sign. I'm going to kick it for you!" She kicked it for me, and we ran as strongly as I could to the finish.

29 hours! Far from the sub-24 hours I had secretly hoped for, but I did it! I finished a 100 miler! I had so many adventures along the way, met a lot of really fantastic people, saw some astonishingly beautiful Vermont calendar perfect scenergy...and really put my limits to the test.

i feel very strong today (and somewhat dead)

that which does not kill you makes you stronger.

--frederick nietzche

trying not to fall apart

I am so scared -- I'm running my first 100 miler and I wonder, "Have I trained enough?" I haven't done enough back-to-backs. Did I taper too early -- my longest run was a 100k back in late May. I didn't do a night run. My stomach is full of butterflies, and this week I've tried to rest, not run around too much, eat lots of carbs, hydrate.

When I asked Brad back during the San Francisco North Face Challenge last December why he ran ultras and did adventure races, he barely paused to think. "You reach the highest of highs, the lowest of lows. The intensity of emotion."

He's right. The highs are so amazing -- nothing will match them. I remember during that race, running so fast (well, it felt fast -- it probably was only 7:3o or 8:00 minute miles!) through these beautiful Redwoods, feeling so free, so amazing. I love that free, amazing, absolutely high feeling. If that's what drugs are like, well, addicts, yes, I understand you because I'm addicted to RUNNING!

The lows can break you. It's the worst if you are in pain, but it's also horrendous if you're not in pain -- because then you don't even have an excuse. I can't tell you how many times I've cried during a long run in the woods. The worst was when I was completely lost in poison ivy; I cried and called T, my mom. Instead of doing a long 50 mile straight run, I did an out-and-back run which was quite tough, but at least I wasn't lost. I have to remember when I get to those black holes that it won't last. I have to think about the next aid station. I have to think about the rewards at the end, the sweet victory, that sense of accomplishment.

Right now, I'm overwhelmed with worries about the Vermont 100 Miler -- what if I get lost? What if I get hurt? What if I don't make weigh-ins? What if I get sick? What if --

I have to shut those out of my mind, and think, "What if I have fun?"

Yes, I will have fun. A blast. The greatest day of my life!

emerson quote

what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within.

packing list for the vermont 100 miler

who knows if i'll need it all, but it's better to be safe than sorry:

clothing/running accessories

• 3 sports bras
• 3 tanks/tees
• 2 long sleeved shirts
• 2 visors
• 3 underwear
• 3 socks
• 2 pairs snickers
• 2 sunglasses
• fuel belt
• replacement water bottle
• endurolytes
• sports jelly beans
• gel
• body glide!
• headlamp
• flashlight
• sweat wristbands
  

stuff to buy!

• animal crackers
• 5 hour energy shots
• snickers - 1 bag for me, 1 bag for crew
• pretzels - 3 bags
• cheap flashlight
• spray-on sunblock
• watermelon
• bagels
• gummi bears
• extra batteries
  
• peanut butter
• jelly
• ribbons for hair

anything else i'm forgetting????

counting down to the vermont 100 miler!

I am getting WAY too excited about the Vermont 100 miler. It's next Saturday and Sunday, 18-19 of July (yes, two days!). I really have no idea how I'll fare. I KNOW I'm strong enough to finish, but the amount of time it will take me...well, I think there's a chance I could finish sub-24 hours, but I also think it could take as long as 28 or 29 hours. As long as I finish in 29:59:59 (the cut-off is 30 hours!), I'll be happy.

I'm really getting excited. I'm lucky enough to have my amazing friend Mecca pace me the last 30 miles. When I first asked her, the longest she had run was a marathon, but she readily agreed. Don't worry, Mecca, I'll probably be crawling with the worms and snakes so I can talk to that antelope growing out of the dirt I'll be hallucinating, so keeping up with me won't be a problem at all. I also have the original Boston Bill as my crew -- he'll be refilling my water bottles, fetching me gatorade, and making sure I'm eating enough fun-sized snickers bars. I'm so excited.

The course is dirt roads, some single track, a little paved roads, and a lot of fun. The volunteers are supposed to be amazing (but aren't they almost always?), the food is like an all-you-can-eat-buffet (I think if I ever got married, I'd talk to a Race Director and see if they'd cater. I especially loved the food at the Vermont 50 miler, especially at the mile 25 aid station - I think I ate three pieces of homemade coffeecake!), and you get to run - my favourite thing!

I'm starting to organize stuff -- getting food together, clothes, figuring out shoes. I need to get a small flashlight for the start of the race, make sure I have it all arranged. I have lists.

I'm so nervous. I've never done this before. The longest I've run is at the 100k - which was slightly longer than a 100k. I know I can do it.

But sometimes, I hit rock bottom. Even the 45 miler I did a few weeks ago, it was awful. I was shuffling, felt like hell...but after some caffeine, I started perking up. I know I'll be crying, moaning, wondering why I'm doing this...and I only hope it doesn't take too long to remember.

But I know there will be the high points -- where I'll feel amazing, like I'm flying, feel totally free...and I can't wait for those!

burning man 2009

so things fall apart; the center cannot hold. all my plans disintegrated a few weeks ago, but as my dad says, "things always get better." and they have. i am definitely going back to burning man.
so far, i bought my tent, my plane ticket out there...i still have lots of organizing to do, but it's exciting and fun, despite the chaos. i am either moving immediately before or immediately after, so that should add to the insanity as well. my boyfriend may or may not come (i hope he does), rachelle may or may not come, crista may or may not come, bill may or may not come...supposedly it's def gwendolyn and i.

but the preparation is half the fun. i have already putting stuff aside...little things like yummy-smelling hand sanitizer, and fun costumes and outfits. i need to get some fake fur so i can make a hot pink fake fur bikini to wear around the playa.

why do i go? i go because it is a place where i feel 100% myself, i feel completely free. there are few places i feel totally free: when i'm running is the main place, but burning man is the other. by free i mean i can be 100% me, run around, do whatever i want, not have to worry abt what will others thing or hold myself back from how i truly feel like acting. it's not something i think abt doing consciously, but i do. everyone does.

meanwhile, looking forward to august 31.

here's a video to inspire and excite you on the art of burning man:

Nicole Krauss Quote

Her kiss was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.

a few photos of the south mtn 100k!

Look at how fast we're running!

ensure and iced oatmeal cookies (that's what in my hand): food of champion ultrarunners!

alice hoffman quote from THE STORY GIRLS

love is what matters. real love. the kind that turns you inside out.

rules for life

conclusions at the age of thirty:

rule #3:
family comes first. family includes t.

rule #8:
always follow your heart.

rule #14:
don't let others tell you what to do.

rule #83:
commuter trains are made for crying.

rule #46:
there's not enough time to do things you don't want to do.

rule #38:
there's not enough space to be friends with bad people.

rule #9:
always go back to your roots. never stop writing.

rule #22:
retail therapy is probably more affordable than regular therapy, and at least you have something tangible at the end.

rule #77:
accept compliments.

rule #83:
let others take care of you, on occasion.

rule #122:
don't rely on anyone else to help you out.

rule #44:
chocolate is better than any anti-depressant.

rule #25:
make love not war.

rule #111:
see your friends solo. you are friends with your friends, not their partners.

rule #98:
believe in yourself, even if no one else does.

rule #167:
don't go where you're not 100% welcome.

rule #148:
kissing is the best thing in the world that's free.

rule #27:
when you're tired, rest. if not, exalt.

rule #94:
wear sexy, comfortable underwear, even if no one sees them but you.

rule #104:
you're never too old for hot fudge sundaes with dad.

rule #89: it's okay to cry, and dark sunglasses help avoid nosy questions.

reflections on 29

written on the metronorth train going to new haven on the last day of me being 29

this is it - 29. my last day of being 29. tomorrow i'll be 30 - i can't beleive it. my twenties have flown - but also been jam-packed. it's kenny's birthday today, but as he and i don't talk, the only day it is to me is: the last day of 29.

when i was in my twenties, i:

• got a bachelor's degree
• got an mfa
• got an mls
• wrote two novels (that are not yet published, but will be!)
• ran lots of marathons, including a PR of 3:28 at boston
• started running ultramarathons, including a bunch of 50ks, 3 50 milers, and 1 100k!
• traveled around europe for nearly four months alone
• also backpacked in brazil, costa rica & argentina
• learnt to be self-sufficient and grown-up
• got a great cat
• experienced (and am experiencing) an amazing romance with t
• went to burning man
  

south mountain 100k

On Saturday, I ran the South Mountain 100k. It was a tough course, with three loops of two out-and-backs. Lisa and I arrived 10 minutes late, but quickly started off on the course - perhaps too quickly! We attacked the hills early on, running fast, trying to catch up with the others. 51 runners started the race, and only 11 finished - and I was pleased to be one of the 11 runners!

The first loop we were so focused on catching up that I didn't notice the difficulty of the first loop. There were rocks, roots, and plenty of hills. When we finished the first loop, we fueled up at our drop bags and headed back out. The second loop was much more runnable; there was an especially pretty meadow section that reminded us of The Sound of Music (and thanks to Lisa, I got it in my head every time we ran through the meadow). At the second out-and-back's aid station, we chatted with volunteers about the VT100 miler, VT50, and I enjoyed some delicious iced oatmeal cookies.

The first loop of 20.whatever miles was tough, but I felt strong. The second loop was difficult, but we remained in good spirits. Especially good was ice-cold watermelon at the second aid station! I def need to keep that in mind for the VT100 - it was a lovely treat. Otherwise, I ate strawberry banana gu, pretzels, some sports jelly beans.

I was in some pain miles 40-50, but pushed through it. Lisa was an amazing hiker (on the uphills we walked, she was tough to keep up with) and I struggled behind her. I felt my asthma struggle a bit (perhaps this was a precursor to the intensely scary, almost emergency-room-visit-requiring asthma attack i had today), but my albuterol kept things in line.

The last ten miles were great. I had borrowed Brennen's headlamp, which we didn't use until the very, very end (maybe the last 1/2 mile or so), and as the sun went down, we struggled on the trails. I felt great and pushed as best as I could, though I was looking forward to taking off my sneakers - I had a painful blister on my ankle I really wanted to free from the constraints of my shoe. Watermelon 5 miles from the finish really perked me up (ahhhh!) and Lisa and I ran in strong to the finish.

It was great to do an entire 100k with someone else; Lisa and I chatted, she offered lots of tips and advice from her experience in the VT100 last year. We kept each other motivated, and at a fast pace.

I woke up sore and in pain, but now, I'm almost 100%. Actually, I'm going to go pop that blister now...

trail running on the greenbelt

last saturday, i headed out for an adventure on long island. i had the entire day ahead of me, a nathan-pack full of gels, pretzels, water and sports jelly beans, and i was ready to run!

after a subway ride and the LIRR, i arrived in cold spring harbor. it's a fairy easy trek to the greenbelt from there - you cross the parking lot, make a right on 108 (i believe that's the name of the road), and make your first left. shortly after, you'll hit the trail.

i ran for hours. i got lost countless times, pushed myself whenever i could. the scenery was lovely and i mostly had a great time.

i hit rock bottom; that's what i love abt endurance running: the intensity. i had some really intense highs were i was flying up hills, running hard, pushing myself, loving every last minute of it. but then i kept getting lost - the trail was poorly marked at parts, i was getting lost, running through poison ivy, getting attacked by thorn bushes. i started to cry a little. "i can't do this anymore." were my mother home, i would have called her and asked her to pick me up. she wasn't, and i was alone. i had to figure this out for myself.

i'm glad i did. when a trail ended on a road and i couldn't find my way out of it, i ran back the way i came. it was a long run back, but it wasn't boring. it was still pretty. i found a grocery store where i was able to wash my arms and legs free from potential poison ivy; i filled up my water.

i kept running. i got lost. i couldn't find my way out of the stupid park. i kept asking for directions from some mountain bikers; we kept running into each other, all of us lost. when i found my way out, you know what i did? i ran back in on an easy trail (where i wouldn't get lost) for another hour. i wanted at least 8 hours of running.

and i ran more than that. i ran. i felt great. at the end, i was thirsty and light-headed. i ended at the same train station i started at, and collapsed on the platform in the two minutes i had before my train arrived. i ate a powerbar protein recovery bar (yum!) and drank some water. everyone stared.

i felt strong. accomplished. i feel ready for the VT100 miler. it's the mental i have to get through, and i know it will get tough, but i know i will survive.

great ultrarunning video

UltraRunning from Matt Hart on Vimeo.

those moments

those moments come when you least expect it. like when you're in the card aisle of cvs on a break from work, picking out a father's day card for your father. you don't have a lot of time, so you decide to leave the father's day card for your grandfather until another day. (you have, after all, over a month until father's day.) and this is fine, until you realize: you may not need a father's day card for your grandfather. he is 89 and having surgery this week.

and you try not to crumple into tears with q-tips, hair elastics, toothpaste, and a father's day card for dad in your arms, and someone reaches past you to open an insipid musical card, and new york city never lets you have peace - but sometimes, it's easier this way.

North Face Challenge Bear Mountain 50 Miler

I was very hesitant about signing up for this race not only because the terrain is SO technical (and technical running is NOT one of my strong suits), but also because last year the cutoffs were SO tight that the majority of people who started did not finish. I did not want to have a DNF after my name, but decided the pursuit of running happiness ranked higher than the potential DNF. I signed up. I really do love running; this is what sustains me, more than most people. You know how when you go to your parents' house you go straight to the fridge, pour yourself a glass of milk and can eat cookies and talk with your parents and feel so at home? That's how I feel when I'm running. More than anything else, it's ultimately, 100% me. It's my authentic self.

Starting at 5am in rain, I quickly remembered that running with my headlamp is annoying. (I was glad when it started to get light, and removed my headlamp.) The start was difficult, with some rocks, water, splashing, downhills, more rocks, rain, and still, the feeling of excitement ran through my body.

The rain stopped after about an hour or so; I drank water in between aid stations, would fill up on oranges at the aid stations, but mainly ate my own foods, which I carried and/or left in the drop bags: strawberry banana gu, pretzels, fun-sized snickers bars, and animal crackers.

I'm not the strongest technical runner, so whenever we reached a semi-flat part or less rocky part, I pounded out those miles. People were impressed (but probably not impressed with how wussy I was on the downhills). The earlier miles I ran with a bunch of people, but was very careful on the slippery boulders I ran across. I lost them then, but passed them on some flats. It's how it goes.

One of the things I love about ultrarunning is how so much can happen in one race: I met so many people (including someone who had NEVER run on a trail before in his life!) yet also spent a good part of the race by myself, admiring nature, doing some thinking. On the parts where I was able to go fast, I got to reach that state of euphoria that only running can give me. Ah, endorphins...

Around mile 18, I ran into a guy who said he was hurting. He drank some of my water, and I ended up almost not getting my water bottle back. At the mile 20 aid station, I regrouped with Nelson, saw Matt (amazing cheerleader of the day! Go Matt!), and headed out. Shortly after this, I lost Nelson and everyone else and was running alone.

I was ecstatic to make all of the cut-off points, at the mile 34.5 cutoff, I made it with 31 minutes to spare, making up time. The volunteers were so amazing, treating me like a muddy princess.

The trails...they were up, and down, and very, very rocky. We have been having heaps of rain all week, so the paths were incredibly muddy...some of the trails were SO wet, it would appear I was running in streams, or even lakes. "We need flippers for this," one trail newbie grumbled to me. It was quite mucky and I tried not to think of snakes. Luckily, I only saw one snake, and it was a garter snake. The terrain being so wet and crazy, and me being a less confident and especially less experienced trail runner, I lost time on some of these parts.

Around mile 30, my right shin really started hurting me. I had problems with shin splints two months ago or so, and while I thought they healed totally, the pain was excruciating. It was so painful the thought of dropping out crossed my mind for one second -- "In the long run, for the health of my leg, it would probably be better" -- but then I squashed that thought. "I am not causing permanent damage, I will finish. I will not DNF." Whenever the pain got bad (which was, unfortunately, quite often, especially when I was walking or starting to run again), I thought of my grandmother -- "She has cancer, had surgery, is starting radiation -- her pain is worse than this. This is for grandma." So I continued.

The volunteers were great at all of the aid stations, grabbing my water bottles, constantly asking if I needed anything. The food selection wasn't the greatest, but I enjoyed the oranges and the occasional salty potato.

I had a lot of quiet time, wit nature, to just observe and feel free. It was a struggle, but mostly, it was pure bliss. The time between aid stations seemed enormous ("This must be way more than what they said!") but the day flew by and felt much quicker than the 12:30 it took me.

There was a horrible hill around mile 46 ("There's a bit of a hill," the volunteer at the aid station prior told me unhelpfully; it was THE WORSE hill on the whole course, and seemed to go on forever), but between the last aid station and the finish, it was mostly runnable. I flew (except for where I hit the lake that took over the trail, there I ran sloppily, hoping there were no snakes).

I came in to the finish, arms raised in the air, ecstatically happy to have completed. The course was tough, the day tested me, but ultimately, I persevered.

sundays

it's weird. on sundays, i finally start to feel like my true self -- and then i realize i have to go back to work monday. true cherie for just one night, i suppose.

Wise Words to Live By

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as man as you could."

-Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum

trying to think my way out of the "corporate box"

"i don't want to be a professional. as soon as you become a professional, half the inspiration disappears."

--larry harvey, burning man founder

Lucille Ball Quote

I would rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.

boston marathon 2009: 3:28!!!!

it's funny how boston is the standard of marathons. when you say, "boston" to another runner, they know you mean the boston marathon. even non-runners are impressed; while my boss came out and cheered me on at the new york city marathon (with a sign and everything!), she was so proud of my personal best time at boston ("look...look how many people you beat! you came in the 6,000s out of over 25,000 runners!") she started meetings by announcing my success. everyone knows it's THE marathon...

i almost didn't do it. i qualified in the nyc marathon; i was aiming for a personal best in nyc and i got one (3:32) but then crista was doing boston...and i had to do it. crista ended up NOT doing boston, but i had already paid. "there's no refund! i have to run it."

i ran a 50k two weeks before boston, and was really nervous. i had been running longer, slower, and doing less speed overall. i didn't have super high expectations, but wanted to PR, have a good time, and run strong.

i arrived in boston full of energy. i bought two boxes of Gu at the expo (strawberry banana, yum!) and realized after the expo that i didn't have my endurolytes. these help balance my electrolyte deficincies, which my doctor and i discovered i am prone to. i hoped i would run well.

the morning started off good. i got nearly eight hours of sleep, and met a super nice guy on my bus ride. we chatted and were super runner nerds ("oooh, kara goucher!") and it helped keep me calm. i headed into my corral and chatted with a fellow new yorker, shivering. it was COLD!

after the race started, my first mile was actually kind of slow. i picked it up, cursing that i was in the last corral of the first wave. this meant i had to fight my way forward...and fight i did. but i enjoyed myself. i smiled, i waved, i ran strong, i watched my watch...i was on target for 3:22, 3:23.

of course i started feeling nausea (i'm blaming the lack of endurolytes, though it also could've been the speed i'm not used to), which slowed me down the last few miles. i refused to give in. i ate pretzels. i ate oranges, lots of them. i ate watermelon (oh. my. god. i am going to have watermelon at my 50miler next week - it was that incredible!). i tried to force down gus. i got kisses from wellsley girls. i felt great, strong, happy, alive.

coming into boston i ran into a strong headwind but kept pushing. i was disappointed my time wasn't as fast as i had hoped, but i was still PR'ing. at the finish, i didn't pass out (that's saying something for me) and was rewarded with an amazing hot cocoa but a good friend. that was probably the best hot cocoa i ever had in my life. it was SO good. i asked for more whipped cream after i ate it all, and the guy gave me a ton. fantastic!

this race was amazing because i felt good, strong, happy, and i ran fast! 3:28!

and you know what? i qualified for boston at this race. i just might have to do it again next year!

i think this website read my mind

even sicker, i think i'm addicted to ultramarathons...

Are you addicted to running marathons?

Do your thoughts switch to the next scheduled race immediately after finishing a marathon?

Are you signed up for more than one race right now?

Do you know specifics about many of the marathons? Dates, courses, years run, etc.?

Do you know the story of how the marathon got started? Also why the course is 26.2 miles?

Do you read books on marathons like Marathon and Beyond?

Is www.marathonguide.com book marked on your computer? Do you look at the race schedule more than once a week?

Do you start to feel down when you haven't run a marathon in a while?

Are your closets and dressers filled with marathon t-shirts?

Do you have so many marathon medals that you've run out of room on the hook they hang from?

When asked about your racing from none running people, do you find yourself talking with great passion to the point that the person that asked the question regrets ever asking?

Have you run marathons on back to back weekends? Or better yet back to back days?

Have you run a marathon as a training run? Or just to pace a friend?

When asked by loved ones what your plans are for the weekend, you feel guilty telling them your running another marathon so you tell them "it's only a half this weekend"?

Do you plan all your vacations around a marathon race?

Well if you answered yes to any of these questions, you just may be a Marathon Maniac!!!

reach the beach 2008 relay

aren't we so fun?

what sustains me

in my mfa program, anne waldman had us do a writing exercise on what sustains us. i can't currently find the results of what sustained me, but i'm pretty sure what sustained me back in 2001 is very different than what sustains me now.

what sustains me:

• running
• my family
• trev
• my home life, inc. luna & vegetarian cooking
• burning man type parties where i can wear fairy wings and truly be myself
• writing

i haven't written in too long, so i really should do that. but keep true to what sustains you instead of the things that don't matter.

the importance of the important

lately, i've really been evaluating my life and seeing what is important. my grandma has recurrent melanoma; it's an extremely aggressive form of cancer. it came back again in her leg, and so there's been lots of talk abt no chemo, abt surgery, abt radiation, abt what-to-do. my gram is getting surgery, then radiation, and it's a scary, sad, hard process.

last week, after much thought and decision, t and i drove down to florida. (or rather, he drove all but one hour and i sat in the passenger seat, babbling and knitting and dozing.) it was great seeing my grandparents, but i think the worst thing, was the talk of "what-would-happen-to-papa [my grandpa]-should-something-happen-to-gram"? i realized that quite possibly, not only would i lose one grandparent in a short period of time, but two. gram makes sure papa eats, takes care of himself, doesn't drink too much, and she gives him love and life.

"i can't comprehend it!" i told t as we drove to easter dinner. "i can't imagine...i can't imagine what it would be like."

shortly after, i curled into the fetal position as t drove. "you okay?" he asked, and i replied quite honestly, "no." we drove in silence until shortly after, racking hysterical sobs overtook my body. i couldn't control it and he pulled over when he could and held me as i cried.

a coworker called me the next day, freaking out abt a petty deadline. i had no sympathy. how can i? my grandmother is sick, this is life or death. it's so hard to care about things like deadlines and formatting on a document and when someone says "i need this urgently" i know they don't. you need oxygen, food, water, and not cancer to live, not some stupid research.

this situation has forced me to think a lot abt my life, abt how i am not living like i want to live...and i'm starting to make changes. small ones, but i need to write more, live more, spend more time with my family and less time with petty bs.

burning man video #2

how can i not be super excited to go after seeing this?

i can't wait until august to truly be myself

vermont 100 miler

This is getting me too excited; this will be my first 100 miler this July!

i won (kinda)

i ran sunday's forest park 50k in forest park, queens. lured by the fact that a race was a mere 15 min drive away (thanks, t!) or even a subway ride, i had to do it!

the course was 2.6 miles, which we did 13 times. the organizers were all super friendly and great, and they had a pretty nice aid station (potatoes, cookies, chips, pretzels, soda, gatorade, water, etc.). i mostly ate my own food (2 gels, gummybears, a mini-snickers bar, pretzels), but ate potatoes dipped in salt and drank gatorade. yum!

the field was pretty small - i think they said there were 14 runners. there was only one other woman, and she dropped out after the 6th lap. whenever i passed, the race directors would shout, "the leading woman!" i would say, "but i'm the only woman!"

i didn't go all out -- i have boston in two weeks, and was using this as a training run. there were some pretty steep hills -- hills that you walk in an ultra. i ran until a certain point (which i kept the same each lap -- "just make it to that tree, cherie," i'd tell myself) and then walked. and then i started running at another certain point.

the hills were great practice for vermont -- one of the race directors told me he trained for vermont on these trails, walking up and running down one of the hills. i definitely plan on doing that.

when i finished, i got a trophy that said WINNER which pleased me -- probably the only time that will happen in an ultra. 5:43:03 -- my personal best for a 50k. after, i ate lots of veggies and went to the beach with t. it was a really nice day! t asked me, "are you happy?" and i said, "of course! i ran a 50k on great trails, and now i'm on the beach with you. what could be better?"

what indeed?

you know you're an ultrarunner when...

you think adding vanilla energy gel or plain energy gel to your coffee to sweeten it is a good idea.

i kid you not. my friend nelson told me this during our long run today!

becoming a 100% athlete

i've really been focused on my training a lot lately; i'm training for the vermont 100 this july, and i've never been this focused on my training -- i try to go to the gym 2-3 times a week for strength training, cross-train (if possible) 1-2 times per week, and i run 5 days a week or so. i've been doubling up on some days as well, and it helps that my job is a very managable easy run - plus not much longer than taking the subway! it's much nicer running than it is being crammed in a subway car, standing, and waiting forever at hoyt-schemerhorn for the G. i try to incorporate at least 1 day of speed, 1 day of plyometrics, and 1 long run day.

i've also been focusing on my nutrition a little more. i eat really healthy generally -- pretty much all whole grains (except trevor's semolina/white flour pasta which is to die for!), veggies, fruits, dairy, eggs, nuts, very little processed foods (ironically, many of my "running snacks" are processed in some sort of way -- GU, energy bars, pretzels). i have a huge sweet tooth, and recently decided to try to limit my sweet intake. it's been a week and a half and i haven't had any sweets (save honey in my tea) -- which is huge for me, considering i have three kinds of girl scout cookies (thanks, mom!) and grandma's cookies in my house (in the freezer).

if running is such a big part of my life, i need to treat my body very well. i find that eating all this good stuff -- lots of greens, protein, and all-around yumminess -- i'm often not hungry for sweets. i'm SO proud of myself knowing how much i love sweets. the more i've stayed away, the less i crave them. in fact, i don't even want them! how bizarre is that!?

i know i'll be eating sweets again, but i think cutting them out for this short period has made me understand how important it is for me to eat as healthy as possible. i'm trying to eat often (low blood sugar makes me ill if i don't eat often enough -- i get very lightheaded and it's scary) and well and i feel quite healthy.

i feel ready to run!

Long Live the Dalai Lama

Peace for Tibet...and freedom for Tibet.

ultrarunning is not unhealthy

a great post here!

whenever my mom says, "all that running is bad for you," i reply, "i eat a vegetarian, whole-grain, primarily organic diet. i sleep 7-8 hours a night, strength train, stretch, cross-train, do yoga, and yes, i run a ridiculous amount. once you start working on five days a week [as is now recommended] and stop eating fast food and all that processed crap, we can talk."

i love my mom but i wish she would not nag me; i'll nag her when she nags me. she is getting better, exercising more. she just needs to kick that damn nutrasweet habit.

long live the dalai lama

the dalai lama speaks out abt how the chinese gov't is treating tibetans.

get ready to vomit

Vatican defends rape-abortion case excommunication

A senior Vatican cleric has defended the excommunication of the mother and doctors of a 9-year-old girl who had an abortion in Brazil after being raped.



WTF!?!?!? The church is SO messed up.

why same-sex marriage should be legal

because no one deserves to die alone

running in nyc

on friday, i thought i'd do at least 30-40 miles, but that wasn't in the plans. sometimes, you need to listen to your body. my head and overall body felt disoriented; i think it was electrolyte deficiency, and i was taking endurolytes, but apparently, not enough. i only ran 23 or 24 mile, but had some good times. i saw some pretty amazing street scenes in chinatown, the kind of scenes that make you think you are in a foreign country. today i ran 15 miles and have spent the rest of the day doing stuff for work (ugh) and knitting and chilling with t. tomorrow i'm volunteering at a 5ok and a wintry mix (the dreaded wintry mix!) is predicted. spring can't come soon enough!

thinking back on 2009

when i made my new year's resolutions a few months ago, i of course had the ones we all have -- you know, lose weight, keep a cleaner house, whatever. but i had a few that i really stuck to:

1. be a better girlfriend. i realized t was putting a ton of effort into the relationship, and really supporting me in ways most people couldn't. ("honey, i'm going for a run tomorrow. i'm leaving at 7 a.m. and returning 4 p.m. then i'll be too tired to do anything but eat and shower. you don't mind me not being present on sat, do you?") so i've tried to be a better girlfriend and not letting running take over my life as much as it sometimes does.
2. be less busy. i remember crista and i sitting on a rock on christmas day in bariloche. the weather was beautiful (80s), sunny, and the town quiet. we had some relaxing good meals, lovely desserts, and wonderful conversations. we both realized how stressed we always are, and how busy. and i vowed to be less busy. it's been hard but i've done it. i've cut out the excess shit (you know, the big group dinner you didn't have fun at anyway, the networking event you hated going to, the errands you really should combine into one trip instead of three...) and i feel calmer. i try to get friends who have more time to come to me -- or i'll combine two birds with one stone by inviting friends over to have dinner with me (i'm eating a lot of yummy homemade awesome foods lately) or share some of my extensive tea collection. i feel less stressed and like i have more time. t and i have had some lovely quiet nights at home, which is truly feeling more and more like a home for the two of us.

2009 is a great year so far!

buenos aires, part II

ringing in the new year with my girl!

beautiful statues at recoletta.and of course, eva's resting place at the recoletta cemetary.

they call this food. crista and i were very frightened.
with some new friends at museum club (wearing cute new dress -- crista and i shopped heaps!)

when it was time to leave, i was sad, but psyched to get home to good food!

mar del plata

who wears the purse in this relationship? me and my friend scott. he's grabbed my purse though!
three running musketeers - cris, scott, and me

nothing captivates me like waves

the beach crew. poor cris reacted towards malaria pills and got bad sunburns, thus, had to cover up.

iguazu

so amazingly beautiful. these waterfalls blew away anything i've ever seen before.

bariloche, again

in bariloche again, i met up with crista. it was different traveling with someone else (i'm honestly not used to it), but quickly adjusted. we had a blast -- shopping, eating chocolate, hiking.at the stupa at the top of a horseback riding, the beautiful prayer flags.

we went horseback riding on xmas eve, and saw this amazing view at the top. the horseback ride would've been more pleasant if crista and i didn't have to go to the bathroom during it.
the amazing lake we hiked to.

the chocolate-obsession in bariloche was insane. i wanted to climb into this case and eat my way out!!!!

amazing view on our hike.

the best chocolate cake of my life. i am still dreaming of it.

el bolson

of all the places i went in argentina, el bolson was my favourite. in the morning before i flew to bariloche, still tipsy, i met some other travelers who had been to el bolson and talked abt how absolutely boring it was. i worried. they were wrong.

i had a blast. my first day was freezing and rainy. the hippie fair, part of the reason i went there, was winding down b/c it was so crazy windy and rainy. i bought some amazing jewelry (v, rachelle, rosa, and others, this is where it's from) and met some amazing artists. i spoke spanish. i bought yarn -- handmade -- from this awesome argentine family (and i'm currently -- as in, tonight! -- knitting with it and it's absolutely gorgeous!). i talked spanish with random people. i ate a waffle topped with amazing fresh raspberries and cream. i fed a stray dog. i met a nice american boy at a cafe who's farming down here. we had some pretty amazing conversations.

back at my hostel, i chilled with silvio and jerome. they were both really interesting. also met a nice argentine boy, marco. at the hostel, we cooked, chilled, knitted (well, that was me, and eden crocheted) by the fireplace. i drank a $3 bottle of red wine that was quite delish.


silvio and i went on an amazing hike to this waterfall. we got lost hiking there and coming back. it was absolutely stunning, truly a vortex. it took our breath away. it was phenomenal. el bolson truly is a special place.

jerome, silvio and i headed to a type of commune outside of el bolson where we celebrated the summer solstice with yoga, chanting, and meditation. it was freezing but pretty amazing. i don't know the spanish words for some of the asanas, but i figured much of it out...it was an amazing and special time.

el bolson is one of those places -- kind of like burning man or dominical, that takes you breath away. the combination of nature and amazing people and some sort of truly special vortex...i did not want to leave. it was truly a peaceful and wonderful place. i miss it.

bariloche, argentina

i got to bariloche, exhausted from clubbing all night long. i immediately went down to the water and lost myself in the amazing view. i met a nice argentine jeweler who invited me to a party. unfortunately, i was way too hired and almost felt like i was on some sort of crazy drugs - i was that out of it from exhaustion. i went to bed at 8:30 pm

buenos aires, part I

buenos aires was great. it had the same intensity as new york city, only more chill and less stressful/in-your-face. i met a rad woman from queens who was staying in my room. we ended up talking about burning man while walking around the japanese gardens and in a modern art museum.

the other big thing i did was go clubbing. pretty fun. here's me and one of my hostel friends, while drinking caipirnhas. we went to the legendary club 69, with drag queen performers and too much fun. i came home at 7:30 a.m. (you don't go clubbing until at least two a.m.) and i was tipsy. i sat on the balcony of my hostel, chatting with other tipsy and tired backpackers. and then i flew (on less than two hours sleep) to bariloche.

salta

in salta, i spent a lot of time walking, thinking. i did a pretty amazing hike (here i was sweaty after the hike), met some rad peeps, and really fell in love with mate.
my view from my hike.
another view from my hike.
the architecture in salta was just stunning.


i ended up knitting frantically to finish crista's xmas gift. here i was, chilling in the sweaty salta afternoon, knitting on the hammock. it was quite nice and relaxing...i had a great hostel, met some amazing people. it was here i made some realizations about my life, about love, about needing time to think and be and live.

full reportback on argentina trip

sorry for the delay. i'll be posting photos and brief bullets on my argentina trip in the next few posts.

what kind of idiot i am

"Any idiot can run a marathon. It takes a special kind of idiot to run an ultramarathon."

--Alan Cabelly

valentine's day ode: things i love

my morning started off all depressed, but quickly got better. i headed out for a good 43 mile run. my mood has greatly lifted, though i'm absolutely exhausted.

to counter my crapola mood earlier, i thought i'd highlight some of the things i love:

1. t. duh. since 1999 (with breaks here and there), we've been madly in love, each other's everything.
2. running. as if i even needed to put this. if t. completes me, running makes me who i am. (once i asked t, "would you still love me if i weighed 500 pounds?" and he said, "no, because if you were 500 pounds, you wouldn't be who you are. you wouldn't be a runner, and you would be very different."
3. chocolate. today is my favorite day of the year for that!
4. my family. my parents never give up on me, and always believe in me. my sister is still totally nuts and i love her for that. my grandparents are all kind as well, though they definitely don't understand the running.
5. yoga. it's often after doing yoga that i get the full mental benefits.
6. writing. i don't do it enough lately, but i love getting into a groove and completing something i'm proud of.
7. dancing. i love to dance and feel totally free and alive. at burning man, i went out alone during a dust storm and ended up dancing and hula hooping to some amazing old skool hip hop, and i felt so alive and amazing and ecstatic.
8. traveling. what's not amazing abt seeing new and fantastic places?
9. reading. i love to lost myself in another world.
10. crafting. it's so rad to create something fantastic yourself.
11. vegetarian cooking. i love baking and cooking. being vegetarian (and to be honest, not always the easiest eater to please), this is the best way to have a satisfying meal.
12. my kitty.
13. aid stations. you can pig out all you want (though if you watch me shovel my food at an aid station, you would probably think i was revolting!).
14. burning man. ah, to be totally free and alive and carefree and ecstatically happy...!
15. good mail, like letters from v or love letters or my running mags.
16. my kickass friends, like v and rosa and all the runners and everyone else who contributes amazingly to me being as happy as can be.
    

v-day

no, i'm not unfortunately talking abt the day where we celebrate how great v is, but i'm talking abt valentine's day. what is today? is it really a hallmark holiday?

as the years have gone on, i've continued in the same relationship, but i can honestly say it's never been boring. hard, yes. painful, yes. complicated, yes. but NEVER boring.

t's job requires him to be at sea away from phones and work nonstop for 1-2 wks at a time. he's working right now, on v-day. we normally don't place such importance on v-day. in fact, we've probably been most often apart on v-day. it makes us realize how important we are to each other.

this year, we were supposed to be together, but t's work schedule changed (what else is new?). our plans were spend the day together, maybe get a hike in upstate or go to a museum and have a romantic dinner at home, but he's out. and it's weird -- no one is telling me it's v-day, and i haven't even seen any signs (it's 8 a.m.!) but i'm filled with this sadness...lately, him being away for work is harder and harder.

so i'm going to turn v-day around this year. i am abt to head out the door for a good, looooong run -- maybe 7 hours or so. we'll see. i'll be happy if i can do abt five hours. then, some good cooking (lentil stew or granny's barley soup), some knitting, eating chocolate and drinking wine, and seeing a good friend dj. this v-day, i'm going to skip the commercialism and love myself.

for the love of it

i had an awesome run home today -- ran fast, it was 50, i felt great. running along the east river in manhattan and brooklyn was beautiful and quiet.

i just signed up for a notoriously tough 50 miler with cutoffs many of my friends did not make. they altered the course, but still, i worried. the terrain is technical -- will i make the cut-offs? i emailed my friend nelson, who wrote,

As far as whether you will complete the 50M in time? So what if you do not? 13 hours outside in May! Still, it is hard work...

he's so right. i'm getting away from the point. i run because i love it. i had a huge smile on my face, running through the streets of nyc today. running makes me feel free, alive, amazing. yes, i will be disappointed if i don't make it...but i'll be elated if i do! i'll never know unless i try, and it will be challenging AND fun, no matter what.

i love my mommy and daddy

i'm 29, but sometimes, i still feel like a child. tonight i had a fantastic run home, made a kickass dinner of risotto (yes, what a pain but oh-so-yummilicious!) with pesto, butternut squash, cannellini beans and broccoli, and am abt to put a pot of tea on. i'm happy, my apt is clean, i may start some knitting...but just talking to my mom made me realize how important my parents are to me. they still do so much for me, and i feel SO comfortable there. if i had a car, i would go to fortunato brother's, get a box of pastries (i'm really hardcore craving their lemon cookies), and drive over there to snuggle in my granny nightgown (which my mom bought me a few years back) under those amazing blankets we love in my family and watch the bishop's wife or some movie we all love. home is where the heart is...but seriously, lately, t and i have done heaps of organizing, we got a bunch of plants and i love it. i feel so comfortable, so happy, so at home and lovey here as well.

i'm so sad that our country is based on hate

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

it's even worse after an ultra, people!

sick

i hate being sick. i've been sick since sunday night...i went home sick monday and tuesday from work, have been sleeping a lot, not really running. today i worked from home. feeling rather drained and weak, but hoping to get back in shape for a good long run this weekend.

my dad loves this song....i hope this guy saves me next time i almost drown while surfing

lovely (or lazy) saturdays

wake up early, but not too early. eat pbj on cinnamon raisin bagel. run. sofreakingcold. instead of 20 miles, do 12. come home and make buttermilk blueberry pancakes. straighten up. drink tea. eat banana bread. shower. chill. read cookbooks in bed while drinking riesling. now, t is making pasta in the kitchen (from scratch), i'm roasting red peppers in the oven, drinking more wine. we're eating olives, extra-sharp cheddar, macadamia nuts, snuggled in warm heat, feeling the good life. i was hoping to find cheap plane tickets to houston for rocky raccoon, but it's too much. i'm satisifed. tomorrow will be miriam's for brunch, followed by seeing milk, and then max brenner chocolatier-- all with my mom. superbowl? huh? yes, i'll be making soup, and it will be soup-er!

p.s. i love wine!

i'm not afraid of colour

my closet door is totally messed up, and my landlord and i were on the phone, determining the details of when the handyperson could come over and fix it.

"his name is alex, and i have to warn you of something: cher, he's black."

i pause. and????

"i don't care--"

"no, it's just -- you might be afraid. but he's a very nice man."

"isaac, i'm not afraid! i'm not racist. i don't care what color his skin is--"

"it's just -- you live alone, a single woman. and-- sometimes--people get scared when they see him. and he's worked for me for years, for six years, and he's a good man, he's a very good--"

"as long as he fixes my closet, i don't care if he's purple."

i cannot take this weather anymore

i know compared to some areas of the country (the midwest, buffalo), i have nothing to complain abt. but i'm so freaking sick of the sub-freezing temps, the snow, the ice. it's horrendous. i'm on the verge of crying, "let's just move to retirement central, t!" and live in my parents' retirement condo in florida. seriously, it's so freaking cold, it's depressing, i've eaten soup more times since i've been back that it's nearly every meal (with oatmeal for breakfast), and running in the snow and ice is so sad and cold. i want to experience WARMTH. if new york city didn't have winter, it would be the perfect place to live. seriously.

doubling up

i doubled up my runs today. this morning i ran 70 minutes, and this evening, the lovely snowfall seemed to tease me into a run, so i headed out again to the streets. it was absolutely beautiful. the roads were a little slippery when i first headed out for my second run, so i ran back home and strapped on my yaktrax. the metal gripped the ice and i ran without fear happily for 80 minutes.

on my run today, i got some great feedback from strangers. i HATE being sexually harassed, but love positive feedback, like this:

"you look like you're dancing," an old woman told me this morning.

a thumbs up from some random person on my a.m. run

"now that's dedication!" some random guy on the street as i ran in a snowstorm

"you're still out here?!" the ups guy who i always say hi to, after he saw me at the finish of my run (he had seen me at the start)

winner of the 2009 darwin awards

on my beautiful run this morning (during which an old lady told me "you look like you're dancing" -- and i felt like it, sunny, snow-covered streets (but no ice), pretty lovely energy), i saw many people shoveling their sidewalks. i also saw a genius who must be a winner of the darwin awards who was HOSING THE SNOW AWAY FROM HIS SIDEWALK. um, moron, don't you realize that water equals ice?!?!?

running is my true love

i'm in absolute love with rachel toor's new book, personal record: a love affair with running. here are a few of sections that really spoke to me:

How many times have I met a guy who offered nothing in terms of mate potential only to hear his PRs and think, My, you're rather attractive. I find out that someone who seemed stupid, old, and short can still run a 2:30 marathon? Come on over, big boy. You broke four minutes when you were in college? You're cute. Some will say you're only as good as your last race. I don't agree. I'll never run a 2:30 marathon or a 3:59 mile. I am attracted to people who can or did.

I love what Toor is saying here...I totally know what she's saying. But while I'm not necessarily evaluating potential mates, I'm impressed. Like when I met Dan...wow, a fast runner! Wooohooo, taking down 22 runners!

It's possible that Khalid Khannouchi, Don Kardong, and Ian Torrence are not attractive men. I wouldn't know. They look darned good to me. Last summer I met a guy I wouldn't have talked to in a bar. Then I found out he was trying to break 2:30 at the St. George Marathon. What first seemed like skeletal geekiness was transformed int, well, you know. Speed goggles.

Yes, fast times are impressive, and somehow, make the runner seem cooler.

In regards to a first ultra...
But, but, but, I said. I've never run that far. I don't know if I can do it. It's up a mountain and back down. It's the first year of the race--things always go wrong the first year. I could get lost. I often get lost. It's desolate and deserted up there. There are no previous times to try to gauge how long it will take. It could be wet. It could be cold. (I am always cold.) I will fall. (I always fall.) There might not be enough -- or the right kind of -- food at the aid stations. I haven't trained enough. I'm scared.

She has all my doubts.

The best way to get quick and easy calories during a race is to eat candy or cookies. Race organizers know this, and ultras all over the country often have aid-station buffets that are McDonald's -like in their uniformity--M&Ms, Chips Ahoy, Oreos, Fig Newtons, and gummy bears. No matter where you're race, you'll find these staples. Many races also have volunteers who will bake brownies or cookies.

My last ultra I ate four "Fun-Sized" Snickers bars, five gels, and lots of pretzels. For me, ultra food is gummy bears, pretzels, pretzels with peanut butter (my absolute favorite snack!), cakes, brownies, cookies. Yum!

This book is a must for an ultrarunner, runner, or anyone who wants a laugh and isn't sure what the allure is in running so far for so long. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

i want to be consumed by love...

i was watching the final episode of sex and the city today (and i must admit, tears did come to my eyes) where she is telling petrovsky what she wants in love -- to be consumed by it, to have it be something so impractical, something that is overwhelming, amazing...that's what i love in life, and i want, and i'm so glad i have it...

the latest song that sends me dancing, twirling, flying, spinning across my apt

dance to this mashup!

who we are

We are not written for one instrument alone; I am not, neither are you.

--from Andre Aciman's Call Me By Your Name

satisfaction

this morning, i slept in a bit (woke up at 6:10 a.m.! ooh!) and ran 8 miles. i knew it was going to be cold, so i bundled up (warm pants, smart-wool socks, sneakers (duh), wicking sports bra, wicking tee, wicking long-sleeved tea, warm ems thicker long-sleeved, running fleece, gloves, mittens and face mask) and headed out. when i opened my front door, i was surprised that it was snowing! how beautiful!

the traction was fairly good, and i ran slowly and careful. my hamstring has still been a little sore, so i've been taking it easy. i skipped a speed workout this week, and will head to the gym after work to go on the elliptical as well (the elliptical doesn't seem to bother me for whatever reason) to get in some extra miles.

this morning, the streets were quiet and lovely. i headed to the small olive park, and just really enjoyed the fact that for once, there weren't five million barking dogs chasing me while their owners smoked and drank coffee and ignored their pooches. it was me, the squirrels and the snow. it was beautiful and lovely, and i really enjoy every chance to clear my head and become free and one with myself on a run.

new year's resolutions: a funny video

snowstorm, run far

i ran the watchung 50k today on a snowy, cold day. this "50k" was three loops on trails on a reservation in new jersey. the first loop was slightly longer than all of the others, which were supposed to be 10 miles, but others wearing gps watches (p.s. my amazing parents got me a garmin 405 for xmas! i haven't even read the manual or figured it out, so i didn't wear mine, but yay mom and dad!) said it was longer -- some said it was 10.6 miles per regular loop, others said longer. either way, it definetly wasn't a true 50k....especially since i got lost three times (once each loop, each time in a different spot....typical cherie style).

the temperature was 25 for the start and finish, and the snow started before 9 a.m. it snowed on and off, and at some points, it was quite in-your-face. the last loop was the worst b/c the snow was covering the ground, including several dangerous icy patches, and i witnessed a lot of people falling. i fell twice, once on each knee, but not on ice. (that would make sense.)

the race was tough. it was tough in the way that ultras are tough mentally. i felt good the first loop, and for half of the second loop, i felt great. towards the end of the second loop, i started feeling a little lightheaded. i tried to eat more (my nutrition for this race included 5 gels, pretzels, and 4 fun-sized snickers bars...i never eat them, but they TOTALLY helped during my race!). part of the problem probably was in the fact that my straw to my nathan fuelvest totally froze and i had no water my first loop (over 11 miles!). this nice guy i was running with who was talking about wanting to qualify for the olympic trials in the marathon in 2012 gave me a little gatorade. dehydration really affects you.

my final loop was SO hard. my knee started really bothering me, and i felt defeated. i almost started crying on more than one occasion, and wanted to badly to quit. "maybe i'll downgrade to just the marathon today," i thought. i kept going.

i pushed myself. i ended up running with this super nice guy, hiroshi, chatting, exchanging life stories. that's why i love ultras -- there's SUCH a human connection that isn't always found in other areas of running.

i finished in over 7 hours, including getting lost three times. i was so relieved to finish. scott drove me to the train, and i hopped on a train back to nyc. i came home, ate amazing cardomom-flavored rice with cauliflower in tomato curry leftovers (that i made, yummers!), some hot cocoa with homemade whipped cream, and now am relaxing while cleaning my apt. i'm drinking some good gewurtraminer. it's been a long, tough day, and i'll be heading to bed soon as the snow gently falls outside my window, and my muscles will finally relax.