It's been too long

When you think you know what life is all about, and you think you have it handled, it changes. Always.

My life has changed so much in the past few years. I've shed toxic jobs. Let go of painful and toxic friendships. I've shifted how I eat even more than in the past. I've had a baby.

I'm still me. Still caring about the environment, wanting to live the most compassionate life. Still writing and running and practicing yoga.

But how I want to live my life has changed. So many thoughts out there swirling.

Just listening to this on repeat lately. Thanks, KD.

Let It Be

In what feels like another lifetime, but was really just a year and a half ago, I was driving to Hinson Lake 24 Hour. I had a few CDs I had with me, and one of them was a Beatles anthology. Suddenly, when "Let It Be" came on, I began to bawl. Bawl out of control. When the song ended, I hit the back button. And again. I listened to it on repeat for the rest of the drive.

I got to the race and felt shattered, and sat in my car before moving. What was I doing with my life? How could I go on, completely overcome with misery and sadness? How could I spend my days feeling awful and put down and undervalued? How could I do this?

Running loops with K, I confided in her that something was really wrong, very off. She told me that had happened to her too, but then "she divorced him." (Gotta love her sense of humor!) I thought about what I needed to do, really knew what that was...and wondered if I had the courage to do that, or how I was going to do that.

I ran some of the race, but my heart was not in it.

And two months later, I did what I needed to do: gave notice to a job that was no longer serving me, and plunged into the trip of a lifetime, four months in India.

And when this song came on Google Play again today, of course I had a flashback, and feel so happy with where I am today.

Now and Next

Sometimes life is hard. No, it always is. But sometimes it's harder than other times.

Like when you can never get enough sleep and your injuries and illnesses aren't getting better like they should and when you're not getting enough sleep and it's too much, too much, too much....when you get up every day at 440 so you can practice yoga, because that's what saves you, and when love is so sustaining and everything can be too much and your side jobs are relaxing and everything is confusing.....

sometimes it's just nice to take a break.

My life isn't bad. Sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning. I'm figuring things out more and more and they are getting better. I like my days. I'm challenged. I'm passionate. 

I have two weeks off now. I could have spent the time, sleeping in, writing, practicing lots of yoga. And that does sound great, honestly.

But I like to do more. So I'm heading to India. A prenatal yoga course. Seeing some good friends. Some good running. Lots of paneer. 

I can't wait...

What if money were no object??

"Better to have a short life full of what you love doing than a long life spent in a miserable way." 
  

Burning Man: EVERYTHING

Best burn ever.

This year...

• 50k went awesome (except I pooped 4x during mine!) w a new male course record set and fastest naked runner ever!
• Playa wedding to my love, Stedman. Will likely be more fun than our regular wedding (if we don't just run from our families and head to City Hall!)
• Amazing art
• BEST CAMP EVER - Pink Lightning totally rocked this year
• Awesome beer mile spectating
• Did I say amazing camp?
• Fell even harder in love with Stedman
• I love my yurt
• Great vibe
• Great music
• Super fun duststorms

Life Is Not a Journey

Alan Watts - Why Your Life Is Not A Journey from David Lindberg on Vimeo.

Leave Your Comfort

"You start dying slowly if you do not travel, if you do not read, if you do not listen to the sounds of life... You start dying slowly if you become a slave of your habits, walking everyday on the same paths… You start dying slowly if you avoid to feel passion and their turbulent emotions; those which make your eyes glisten and your heart beat fast. You start dying slowly...if you do not allow yourself, at least once in your lifetime, to run away from sensible advice…" – Pablo Neruda

Life Is the Road

Once you realize that the road is the goal and that you are always on the road, not to reach a goal, but to enjoy its beauty and its wisdom, life ceases to be a task and becomes natural and simple, in itself an ecstasy. - Nisargadatta Maharaj

Take flight...

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight. And as we fly, we still may not know where we are going to. But the miracle is in the unfolding of the wings. You may not know where you're going, but you know that so long as you spread your wings, the winds will carry you.”

― C. JoyBell C.

Routine Reflection

Routines can be very comforting. They also make life a bit easier. Before I left for India, I thought to myself, "Am I really giving up this wonderful routine?" It really wasn't wonderful, but it was managed, and it was my life, and I loved it. I loved getting up at 5 or 5:30 to run and strength train and practice yoga, work from home or bike commute, have lovely cocktails with my friends and wonderful dinner with my partner, read fascinating books, freelance write in the evenings, carry out the logistics for putting on an ultramarathon, help manage a Burning Man theme camp...

But it wasn't enough. I gave it up to find something deeper within myself.

Still, leaving the routine scared me. And I wondered if it was the right thing.

It was very much so the right thing.

Going to India was no routine. It was a bit scary, and at the urging of Jules, I created my own routine. Start my day with yoga or running; I added mantra and meditation too on occasion. Fill my time with writing, yoga, exploring, self-reflection.

Since I've been back, I thought it would be easy peasy to have a routine, and I'd have oodles of time. I imagined my mornings spent running, strength training, practicing yoga, hours of meditation...writing to fill in the blanks...working on job hunting in between...maybe even meeting Wayne for lunch frequently?

I've filled my life up way more than I can imagine. Cleaning my house, cooking excellent food, and catching up with friends and family take way more time than I could have imagined...not to mentioned looking for work (and in several different fields, no less!), plus keeping up with my freelancing. My yoga teaching means that I can't skimp on a practice for myself: I need to continue to develop my own personal yoga practice, so I spend a lot of time doing that. I read yoga books. I have been doing continuing education: Restorative Yoga Certification; RRCA coaching course (still working on that bear of a take-home test! Way more time than I imagined...); CPR/AED/First Aid certification. 

So I have lots going on, and I love it. I have no routine, which feels a bit weird, and at times, if I weren't so focused, I'd be unable to actually complete anything at all.

But it's the summer solstice. I started my day at 515a.m. with 108 sun salutations...and the day has been fulfilling, productive. Good food, good writing, and lovely weather. So I have no routine - that's okay. I have so many other rewarding things in my life to fulfill me.

Welcome Back Home...

It's been hard to be back. Way harder than I imagined. But also, really great.

I arrived back to rain, damp, grey weather. Not the lovely spring I was anticipating. The chaos. The subway. The grey and black clothes. The months of cleaning my boyfriend hadn't done while I was gone. The food I needed to eat. All the amazing people I needed to see.

But it was hard. 

I've been on my own. Food has been Indian. I've been with limited choices on what to wear, so I pull out of my backpack whatever is clean. I am open to conversations. Strangers approached me, eager to chat; I chat back. I'm so distanced from my friends and family. The time zone difference makes it difficult to chat. 

And then I'm back home. Everyone is here. It's so much right away. I can't keep up. The emails. The job applications. The networking. The seeing old friends. Cooking everything in my CSA. Studying yoga. Doctor's appointments. Everything. Just...so....overwhelming.

You get used to it. India is starting to fade away. I'm starting to figure things out - even if they are a wee bit confusing.

It will work out. One day at a time. As I teach yoga, study yoga, practice yoga; freelance write; try to find at least one stable job - it will all work out, but for now, it's a confusing but kinda fun mess.

A mess where you sometimes have ice cream for lunch!

be here now

The key instruction is to stay in the present. Don’t get caught up in hopes of what you’ll achieve and how good your situation will be some day in the future. What you do right now is what matters.

- Pema Chodron

The Song I'm Dancing to During Re-Entry...

What Did I Learn While I Was in India?

After four months in India, what did I learn?

I learned a lot. So much that I hope I can figure out how to keep ahold of it.

• I learned heaps about yoga. I learned about alignment, adjustments, anatomy, new yoga poses, and so much more.
• I learned that I want to be be a yoga teacher. I love teaching and helping people. I think once I get my sequencing down, I’ll find it very rewarding.
• I learned that you can’t be somewhere that makes you unhappy. Even though I liked the perks at my old job, I felt so drained and miserable that it literally changed who I was as a person and how I felt all the time. I was almost destroyed. I won’t do that again.
• I learned that people are people wherever you go.
• I learned that cultural differences are huge. People are not being rude, they are reflecting their culture. Americans are probably seen as rude in some ways. You just need to accept that first.
• I’ve seen a lot of truly incredible sights out there in the world. India is full of a lot of spectacular things to see.
• I’ve learned that if you ever struggle when you’re alone traveling, a smile to a child or woman can make all the difference. I made a lot of new friends that way.
• I learned that being here now is the most important thing for me to focus on and to keep my mind fresh and present. It’s been great for me to practice that.
• I learned that there are ways to do things differently wherever you go, and still get stuff finished.
• I learned that you need to chill out when traveling in India. Uptight traveling does not get rewarded.
• I learned that sometimes you do need space from the ones you love, and it helps you both grow independently, and get closer even when you’re further apart.
• I learned who my real friends are.
• I learned a lot about tasty Indian food.
• I learned a lot about spirituality, especially Hinduism.
• I learned it’s better to be satisfied with where you are now than be disappointed constantly.
• I learned that Indian women have the most fabulous fashion ever.
• I learned that love comes from within.
• I’ve learned that chanting mantras can make me very, very happy.
• I learned how to be happy wherever I am.
• 
  
  

There are some times....

At times, traveling can be so rich and rewarding. It is full of new adventures, new foods, unfamiliar sights, gorgeous scenery.

And at sometimes, it can be downright lonely. I’m in a lonely bit now...I know it will pass, once I begin exploring and dreaming and thinking, but now, I am thinking, “Why did I extend my ticket? Why am I even here?” I’m incredibly homesick for a blip, even though yesterday I was on such a high of what an amazing trip I’m on.

I’m lonesome for my Wayne and our cats, and our beautiful, comfortable home. I’m lonesome for privacy and quiet and solitude and not being stared at. I’m longing for my friends and my family. I’m craving a kale salad and the streets of Brooklyn.

I’m sure I did the right thing by coming here, and have two more yoga intensives. They will be intesive, and very likely hard - but they will be good. It’s just a matter of getting there and figuring stuff out.

Or so I tell myself.

Chennai, Again, or Friendship

When Pondicherry and Auorville had less to do than I expected, Ash invited me to come back. I could have spent more time in Pondicherry, wandering in cafes, writing, but I figured I’d head back up to Ash’s, hang out with him, get some nice runs in, see his super sweet family.

It was nice to be back. His mom said, “Welcome home.” Ash and I set into our rountines quickly; nice restaurants out, drives around town, hot and humid runs where we’d complain about the heat, wandering here and there. Barkley was going on, so we spent quite a bit of time tracking that and geeking out. I would IM with Paul Kentor, get some secret updates that he somehow knew, share them with Ash, and we’d refresh our Twitter feeds furiously. We drank fresh juices (cantaloupe, or musk melon, as they call it here, is a new favorite), searched for places with AC, complained about the heat.

This part of my trip made me realize that traveling is not necessarily about seeing things, but meeting people. And sometimes you spend more time getting to know the same person - and that’s just really rewarding and wonderful.

I’m feeling grateful to be here, exploring, living, being.

Why Be Miserable When You Can Be Happy?

As I write this, I’m sitting under a mosquito net with a sunburn on my back. I’m sharing my beach hut with countless spiders, and I have another extremely long day tomorrow (7-9:15: Mantra, meditation, asana; 9:15-11: Yoga sutras over breakfast; 11-1: Anatomy and adjustments, 1-3: Break to eat lunch and study for tomorrow’s homework, 3-4:15 Vinyassa Yoga; 4:15-7: Break to study more and pick up laundry; 7-8:30 Restorative yoga; 8:30-10 p.m. Dinner and yoga discussion on yama and niyama) -

BUT I AM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY.

So many of us get stuck. We think routines and unhappiness are normal. We think forgetting our dreams is the norm. We think about placing the Fresh Direct order, how to carefully chop organic cilantro, about filling my bike tires with air before bike commuting to a job that undervalues us, about picking up groceries, about paying the bills on top and Burning Man once a year and suffering the rest of the year.

Really, life shouldn’t be like that.

I got super comfortable in my content routines: ultrarunning, the gym, amazing yoga, reading library books, working at home, my CSA, my cats, and of course, Wayne.

But what about where I wasn’t content? Where I wasn’t comfortable? Why was I putting up with that?

I’m so eternally grateful that I left a job that didn’t value me or develop me or invest in me. I was heartbroken at leaving because I believed in it, and in me, but eventually, like any relationship, one person can’t do all the work. One person had to leave.

It took me a while to get the groove of my trip - but now I’m here. And I’m at the best part.

I want to teach yoga. I love learning about yoga all day. I love geeking out and discussing the yoga sutras with other yoga geeks. I love trying to perfect my asanas. I love waking up on the beach, in a culture where creativity and dreams and art and culture are encouraged. I love being valued. I love being intrigued. I love being stretched, being pushed, being opened, and experiencing the adventures.

It was far too long where I wasn’t having intellectual discussions, I wasn’t being challenged, I wasn’t being let to grow.

If you’re unhappy and holding back because of fear, please don’t. I was so scared for so long.

My life is so very different now. It’s full of adventure, exciting, fun, and yogalove. I’m learning about myself, yoga, and the world. I forgot how amazing it feels to be happy.

I thought being miserable was the norm.

Don’t settle. There’s more to life than this.

Travel Is My Job

I’ve struggled on this trip: I’m suddenly unemployed (How freaking scary!), my life feels pointless (What is the point of travel anyway?) and full of lots of inconveniences (rickshaw drivers trying to rip me off, delayed buses and flights and trains, the smell of burning trash, my ATM card not always working….), and confused if I’ve made the right decision.

Well, I have. It was good I quit my job and came to India.

Here’s how I finally came to that decision.

First of all - I was so unhappy at work. It was making me sick. Despite trying to change my situation, I just could not. No matter what I did, nothing changed. It got worse. And I felt worse. The reality is: if I had stayed, things would continue getting worse. I needed to leave to be happy.

When I was at the amazing five-star brunch with Barbara, Henrik, and Jen, I was overwhelmed by all of the food. “OMG, this all looks so amazing. How can I possibly eat it all?”

And somehow, a voice popped into my head. “Cherie, your job is to eat. You will eat. This is your job.”

And I did. I ate a lot. Because when something is your job, you take it seriously.

I realized, for now, travel is my job. My job is to see cool places and do lots and lots of yoga and write a lot. My job is to live my dreams. My job is to figure my life out. (I realized I WANT to write as a career; I’m not sure how, other than the small freelance jobs I’ve been getting….) My job is to meet amazing people. My job is to try tons of different food and eat lots of amazingly delicious food.

When I went to my guru, she said a few amazing things:

“Use your potential in the best possible manner.”

“Don’t regret your decisions. Everything is an opportunity.”

“We are born and we die. There is a gap in the middle called life.”

“Be positive.”

I realized I need to focus on sorting things out, relaxing, calming my mind, being happy, living life for me. I can’t live a miserable life. It just sucks too bad.

I need to stop living in the past. It was good I left a job that did not treat me life. I will have the space to curate my future.

When I went to the acunpuncturist (and this was what really pushed me), she said to me, “You’re unhappy.” And I said, “I’m not. But I was. I was very unahppy and I quit my job becuase of it and now I’m here.” But I realized my unhappiness was lingering and I couldn’t move on. So now I’m moving on and my unhappiness is lifting and there’s a bright, amazing future ahead of me. I couldn’t be happier!

I’m happy traveling. I miss everything back home, but less so. I know I’ll have moments, but for now, I’m enjoying life on the road. I’m enjoying meeting new people, taking tons of different yoga classes, write, see cool stuff, eat amazing food. I’m not going to do every single tourist attraction there is because duh, I want to also write and get to know myself and not feel like I’m rushing. I want to do reiki 1 if I can. I want to learn about myself, about life, and about the cosmos. I want to learn and live and be - and I want to be my happy self.

So here I am - a bit transformed, and all the much better for it!

Next stop - Hampi and happiness beyond!

Life Gives You Answers Sometimes

Life really does give us answers, but we don't listen.

I was wanting to stay here in Dharamshala because I'm kind of in love with it - but feeling like I should move on to Rishikesh for the yoga. So even though I was feeling back and forth all day, I decided to leave.

In line to buy a bus ticket, I discovered the bus wasn't happening. No comfortable bus. Only a local bus, four hours later.

F it. My English photojournalist travel bud who had decided to accompany me to the bus station hopped in a horrendous cab and back to my little comfort zone of lots of chai, cafe writing, yoga to the mountain view, smiling at monks, and pics of the Dalai Lama everywhere.

What am I doing in India?

So let's start at the very beginning....

About ten years ago, I was working a part-time library job and feeling a bit frustrated. The hours weren't enough, the students were difficult, and my other part-time job had ended. I looked at an ad in The Village Voice (this was ten years ago, people!) and decided I'd sell my eggs. I'd take the money, sublet my apartment, and head to India. I could travel on that for 6 months.

Then I saw an ad for a women's nonprofit library job....OMG this was truly a dream job. I had to apply. But I didn't want the job. I wanted to go to India. I went on the interview, super cas, because I had a plan in mind. Travel. Explore.

So of course I got the job.

I had to take it because, duh, it was a dream job to work at a women's nonprofit. So I followed my life in that direction. I began running ultras. I worked at my job, hard. I focused on advancing my speaking skills and presentations, and spoke at SLA and other conferences. I started social media at my job. I fell out of love, dated a bunch, and fell in love with the person I've ever loved most in the world. (Hi, Sted.) I did yoga. I played with my cats. I took long trips.

And after ten years, there were gaps. I wasn't getting career development or new opportunities or leadership opportunities (though finding plenty externally and in my freelance work). At my day job, I was begging for new things to do. I was not happy with everything. And I'll leave it at that.

My unhappiness impacted my health. In the past six months, I've had mono, anemia, the flu, major asthma troubles, a cold, vitamin deficiencies - not to mention two eye surgeries and two major running injuries (those two are not related). When my doctor noticed I lost nine pounds out of nowhere, she said, "Stress is the worst thing ever."

I knew I needed a change. It took a while to figure out how to get there.

I began doing yoga almost religiously. It helped. I felt better after it, no longer like I was tense after every stressful day. I once was getting dinner with my parents at The Meatball Shop in Williamsburg. I was eating an awesome veggie meatball sandwich with the Aviator (awesome cocktail). I was with Wayne and my parents. I hadn't worked in a few hours.

And my body felt like hell. I could feel the tension. What was happening?

I needed a plan out. Should I....?

After Burning Man, realizations came forth. 

An idea had been popping in my head for a while. I should do a yoga teacher training. I'd love to learn more about yoga.

I kept thinking about it. And then one night, I asked my favorite teacher, Nicole, where she did her training. We began talking, and I mentioned my interest. And that I'd kind of want to go away and incorporate it as part of a trip.

She told me about a training happening with Amanda Capobianco, a teacher I love. An idea really made sense now....

I talked with friends. I bought Lonely Planet India. I talked and talked and talked a lot with Wayne. Even my parents.

I needed a break to recharge and reset. Travel always does that for me. I wanted to focus on my writing. I've always wanted to go to India. I've wanted to do a yoga training for a very long time. I want to figure out what the best career path is for me. I have an idea now, but of course, the universe has a way of doing whatever it is that it wants.

So I'm in India, land of pollution, crazy rickshaw drivers, and confusion. But I'm also in the land of love, yoga, spirituality, magic, and more.

I'm scared and delighted to be here...I can't wait to see what happens next, but until then, I'm really enjoying this moment.