30 May 2005

almost gone

i'm about to dismantle my computer so that i may put it in my parents' car--they will be arriving within an hour. i can't believe i'll be gone from home for so long--and gone from my precious kitty. i think my subletters seem really good with cats--and nice--so hopefully it will work out (and not be a repeat of other craigs list horror stories). i still have so much to do today--and can't even comprehend the fact that i'll be in a plane later today, aimed for places i have never been. i'm excited.

today is memorial day, but it's no longer a holiday for me. my life is a holiday. and it feels great. the sun is out, it is warm, and the sun will always shine on me the next several months. this breather from the working world--let's just say i hope to become independently wealthy so i can do this all the time.

well i'm going to dismantle my computer, get an iced chai, and transfer funds at my bank. next time i post, i'll be abroad.

see you in europe!

29 May 2005

fiction: jaywalking and other such dangers

when we were fourteen, we crossed the street whenever we liked , because as floridian said (with traces of her thick puerto rican accent mocking up the suburban speech us all-americans know so well), "pedestrians always have the right of way." as soon as we'd leave the house, we'd crack gum, apply extra makeup at the bus stop (my mother only let me wear light pink lipstick) and push up our bras so it looked like we (sorta) had cleavage. the crossing the street at a brisk pace (never a run, floridina cautioned; we didn't want to look desperate) often made us readjust our chests.

one night, after leaving floridina's mother drinking rum with curlers in her hair, and mine sucking down cigarettes and anti-depressants like we sucked down coca-colas, we met our match. after crossing queens boulevard at a brisk pace, our high heels clacking, we heard the usual horn. we kept walking and he drove slowly down the narrow street. the guy pulled over and waited for us.

"hey, you need a ride?"

"hells, no!" i was taught to be rude when approached. floridina would flirt, and was constantly accepting rides from strangers that i would turn down. i told her coldly when she told me i was being a wussy, "if you want to risk death or rape or whatever, go ahead. i'm walking and taking the bus and taking the train." she shut up and listened to me after that. some girl our age who accepted a ride had her body found in a keyfood parking lot. just thinking about the description of her mutilated body--stab wounds and cigarette burns and god, what they did to her down there--well, i never even thought about taking a ride after that.

"but i'd like to give you a ride. c'mon honey." his teeth glinted gold. floridina looked like she was thinking about it.

"no! we're fine."

he smiled. "aight, well, i'll drive around for a while so i can see y'all run across the street. hey brunette, your titty's been shakin' like nobody's business."

and floridina, who sucked mike marskall off after he dared her to, finally spoke up. "i'm surprised you could see anything, what, with your head being up in your ass."

she turned and walked in the corner store; i followed. i tugged my shirt closer to my neckbone, and watched her buy a coke from the cooler, not even attempting to buy a pack of cigarettes. from my window viewpoint, i could see him staring at the corner store, and finally, pulling away, shaking his head.

after floridina got her soda, she told me, "girl, now you know that there are bigger dangers than crosswalking." and we jaywalked across austin boulevard, laughing hysterically the entire time, giving fingers to whoever honked us, and high-fiving each other when we made it to the other side.

27 May 2005

this summer


throughout the summer, i'll be in europe, traveling and sipping fine wines (if others purchase them for me!). check this blog or eurail blog or you can email me to automatically receive this blog. i'm so psyched!

good quote

my coworker amy gave me this good quote on my bon voyage card:

"travel only with thy equals or they betters; if there are none, travel alone."
--the dhammapoda

26 May 2005


work has been so bad lately. perhaps it's kismet reminding me how
evil it is so that i will never want to return. i remember the last
day at the horrid bagel place i worked at i got the most tips--more
than double i had any other day. it made me leave with a smile, but
tugged at me to stay--i ran.
and so here, i am running, already.
i owe nothing to "the firm." nothing. they owed nothing to me--no
transitchecks (for free!), no tuition reimbursement, no health
insurance. being a temp assures they fuck you over as much as they
i almost wish i had given less notice. the woman who is taking my
job is bizarre and annoying at best. r is being more annoying than
usual--is that possible? the new woman has an mls yet likes to work
as an admin of corporate libraries: "i like to be the power behind
the force." i guess she likes making labels and answering phones....
even my boss is at a loss because she has never done research. "she
can't even do your clips! she's going to be doing a lot more admin
work than you were." so at least my boss realizes my value, in some
miniscule way. i can tell the new woman is itching for me to leave
so she can take my desk and make it her own personal hell.
get me outta here!
i'm running, i'm running, i'm gone.

21 May 2005

almost there

dying the bottom underside part of my blonde hair pink, waiting to go to the panty party at opaline (check yr pants at the door and get two for one drinks all night!), looking at my wreck of a house. my friends are here, and it's fab to see them; i do hate the mess that comes along. of course, there was a HUGE mess before they came, so i don't blame them at all... i'm trying to convince my feet that these awesome sneakers i got from zappos fit but they unfortunately do not..i will miss my life in nyc but i need a break, and i know things will be amazing, they truly will. i cannot wait for what's too come, but in the meantime, i'm enjoying every single moment that is here, even with my slightly chubalub cat. i love everything right now, as long as i'm not at the hell they dare call work.

19 May 2005

last minute

i have way too much to do and one week left. i have to finish packing, figure out my long-sleeved shirts (do i really want to wear that librarian cardigan all summer?), book my icelandic hostel, figure out which one i'll stay in london, get more memory for my camera, put all my cds on my ipod (inc naming all the mix cds!), etc etc etc. it's just freaking me out almost.

and work is just annoying, stressful. i just want to escape into bed with a good book. say, ariel gore's atlas of the human heart. instead, i'm drinking vitamin water, cleaning my apartment, nibbling on chocolate. yum. even tho i'm gaining weight and my trousers can't close.


running through north brooklyn
rarely see others
the ones i see
ignore my smiles look away
i continue running

amid lazy gait and general lethargy
someone says hi
i'm trying to run faster, and so is she:
blonde ponytail, perkier than mine, big smile

and it keeps me going, even if just for a little bit.

15 May 2005

suburbia: a study

i spent a day with my family, and thought a lot about suburbia. coming from the city, you sometimes forget the seasons--the temperature is the sole indicator. the color of trees, flowers, and greenery are often lacking; i often don't realize it is fall until visiting my family. when i arrived at their house for an early brunch (yawn; vitamin water replenishes hydration lost by too much rum) i spent time walking barefoot on their lawn. what a luxury this would be in the city; one would never do it in a city park.

my mother was helping me find a navy tank top; at the end of the day, unsuccessful at so many stores in the mall, we ordered one from ll bean (much easier!) i found a rich lightweight lilac skirt for my travels (the weight of the fabric being key at this shopping trip!) and my mother and i gossiped about family problems over smoothies, strolling through various stores, various levels. advertisements blared ahead, in store windows, and by vendors at booths. thinking about how unwholesome suburbia is: it's like white bread. everything pre-packaged, 12 year old girls with way too much makeup, makeup you know that they applied as soon as their mothers dropped them off in the nordstrom's bathroom. the way people carried themselves and their bags, you learned too much about themselves. large SUVs, toy dogs in louis vuitton bags. labels that only make the product cost more, not the quality increase; what kind of world are we living in?

i hate suburbs, yet i like the green grass it provides. i would like a greener city.

dancing in the streets: a party beyond words

complacent throws some really amazing parties, every few months. my first party of theirs was back in 2000 where we got tangled in an installation in some dirty williamsburg loft, where people smoked from hookahs in tiny little tented domey areas aspiring to be something out of turkey. other parties have included live art, movies, djs, ice sculptures, bands, political tabling, radical cheerleaders (yup, i'm included), dancing, cheap food, deep discussion, and way too much to even begin to talk about. parties will have multiple location, secret locations, available by invite only following questions that wean out the losers from the winners (yes i was selected). last night's party was amazing, and was a traveling party.

first warm night began in the lower east side, took over several train cars, and moved to a park in red hook. years ago, when coaching the alphabet city track club, i ran here with my girls. last night, fueled by confidence, freedom, and rum, i ran around the track in a sparkly black skirt, laughing all the way around. i'm still me, i still am me!

the party moved, led by a small car-like vehicle (not really a car; basically more like a bike rickshaw thing with a huge speaker in the back) and the hungry march band somewhere in the middle. wings were worn. candy was handed out, bubbles were blown. vodka was sipped from flasks and whiskey from crumpled paper bags. i complained of the pulpiness of my rum cocktail, swigged it anyway.

we were all going someplace beyond reality.

at some point, a pickup truck appeared. people piled on the back. djs on a precarious plywood surface, played old school beastie boys. "you gotta fight! for your right! to par-ty!" we were taking over the streets, yes we were, even though they were quiet, back streets where warehouses and abadoned warehouses slept on this saturday evening. twilight crept as "no sleep till brooklyn" rather ironically played--drunk, we shouted, unashamed at the cliches. we were the revolution we hoped to see!

i danced with a drunk girl, a boy, a whoever, a person, a real-live human being. a couple went past with an office chair with wheels. they pushed me on cobblestones for a bit, laughing. we swigged life.

we arrived at a pier in redhook. in the street, in front of a bus with SENIOR CITIZENS on it, the windows were removed and speakers blared drum n bass. i danced--no, we danced. we danced. we danced as one.

pushing through the pulsing crowds with heavy breath and sweat, i walked down the boardwalk. someone was juggling with fire. someone was blowing bubbles. someone was saying, "this is my dream." we were all thinking, this is OUR world.

at the end, a capoeria performance began. we gazed at the dance, marveled at the movements. when it was over, cards were passed, compliments given. i leaned over the railing, staring at the water. moved back to dancing.

met an adorably drunk girl, who told me how brilliant i was. she was hanging all over my neighbor's business partner's arm. she told me i'd love iceland, she had to see me before i left. i laughed hysterically at her drunkeness, becoming drunker soleley by osmosis. my rum cocktail was finished, its plastic bottle gently abandoned in the proper trash receptacle.

tried to meet up with friends; directions from the train, or even the earlier park, were futile. we are here, you will find us!

went on another long walk. dancing in the streets. people with boomboxes. dancing on sidewalks. friends arrived. body paint?

cops and firefighters came. using power, and sirens, demanded us off the streets. i spoke (cheered) back:
they are the c-o-p-s,
with the badge on their chest!
they want to oppress, the people with less!
they're armed in dangerous,
the big boys in blue!
put your hands where they can see them or they're gonna shoot you!
their excuse is protection, their tool is control!
the time to act is now, take the pigs off control.
just me and my big voice, and applause afterwards.

apparently, a whale (a blow up whale) as well as a person had gone for a swim in the east river. supposedly, the person couldn't get back onto land; thus the cops were called. those piers are mighty high.

twister was played. a giant bottle for spin the bottle was carried past. a mother-daughter fairy team ran past. "is this heaven or what?" someone asked.

the party ended at a bar. life stories exchanged, salivia exchanged among strangers who you swore were only introducing themselves earlier, yet you knew by the end of the year, an engagement between them would be announced. i spun around groups of people, speaking with friends, talking about where i grew up and my rapidly approaching trip to europe.

we were far from civilization; who even knew where the train was? met several different people; the ones i ended up walking to the train with were amazing. they tried to convince me to go with them to a weekly drum n bass party, and i almost did; a paper which i haven't started yet and an early brunch with family prevented me from going. we talked about growing up in the suburbs or the city, and about jobs that made us thrilled to get up in the morning (even though we were broke) and ones that made us want to crawl back under the covers (even though we were paid $70k) and ones that the work we did we couldn't even describe what we did since we didn't know what we did. the conversation flowed, from buddhist sculpture to the virtues of growing up in queens. i can't believe such people exist in my city and are not exalted every day.

on the train, we separate; me to the G, them to await the F. i think of how rich my night was, of the rum that did not increase the chances of anything, but merely there; of the fun to be had in the future.

go out. make art. make friends. take over the streets with a party of 800 people. you can do it. we did. and i only looked back to say, "wow, this is amazing. look how many cool people there are in this beautiful city!"

12 May 2005


funniest piece of spam:
remove your debt the christian way!

work is for losers

counting down the minutes. today is a beautiful day, although i'm
trapped at work, hearing sallie rant about death benefits (she's
doing an insurance request). i've pretty much given up on my food &
beverage industry request--not finding much, and the consultant
seems happy with all that i've sent him. okay. but i don't like this
lifestyle: living in a small little cube. well, i don't have a cube,
but my job is easily comparable to office space.

my body feels sore sitting here--and i did walk about a mile on my
lunch break, doing errands. i need to practice yoga....and run and

but why do we do this? work just feels meaningless, the exchange of
labor for money. i'd rather volunteer, speak with people everywhere,
run, be.

later: i ran into libby by union square. she said my boss said i "had already checked out." um, that happened months ago. i hate how she talks shit behind my back; fucking passive aggressive librarians. grrrrr.


i went to the dentist yesterday, where the dental hygenist raped my
gums, or so it felt like. that scraper, ugh! i'm still recovering
and my gums are still sore. i guess i'm not the greatest flosser,
but i usually do it once a day. my dental hygenist lectured me the
entire time about my horrid flossing habits and i tried to think of
lovely things. i hate the dentist but i behaved very well.

you can be sure that a small container of floss is already in my

11 May 2005

work is just work, just a job and not my life

although i have many piles of things to do on my work desk, i am content. i am content even though my boss is trying to hire this other woman as a slap in the face to me. i am delighted although i am still working in an insane asylum, and the fact that my boss keeps finding pointless work for me to do. i am happy because i am leaving.

the situation is far from perfect. for instance, i keep our annual report shelves stocked. when i ordered them, i had them sent to me. my boss said, "i noticed you had the annual reports sent to you. i told you to send EVERYTHING to my name." i explained they were being sent just this one time, everyone in the mail room knows me well, and i was sending many of the messages from my email. doesn't she know it can be demeaning to pretend i'm her? (in her case, yes!) she tells me, "well if they replace someone in the mail room they might not know you. i want you to call each of those companies you got annual reports from [at least 90 companies] and have them put me on their mailing list." why? so we can get more crap and more trees are killed? and it's not like she reads all the crap that comes in--she just tosses it (not recycles). no, because she's a power freak and feels like she lost control. i said i'd do it, but i won't. my coworker said, "don't. she's crazy."

we knew that.

i'm happy to be getting 5 more paychecks (i get paid every week and am still owed last week's paycheck) and happy i wasn't immediately dismissed--even though i was just asked to do something else pathetic. i'm going to drink my organic jasmine green tea (thanks venessa!) and breathe and be delighted about how few days i have left here. right now, i have 12 days.

09 May 2005

i quit! and i already taste freedom!

so i gave my notice. in three weeks, no more regular paychecks, no
more corporate culture, freedom! three weeks from today i'll be
going to iceland, and from there, europe, and from there, the world,
and from there, the universe. i feel so free.
and all at once i am panicking: budget, cherie. i had no food for
lunch so i'm buying pricey lunch with jess. must buy bread: pbj is
never out of style (for yr budget, that is). need to get memory for
camera, cheap flash drive.
and the countdown begins: 21 days....

08 May 2005


i'm getting sick of the advice people keep giving me. random tidbits, mostly things i already know. i know they're trying to be helpful, but at this point, three weeks away, it's not helping. it's making me anxious. i bought three bathing suits at macy's, and a fashion show for mom and trev will determine which is best (i can't decide). bathing suits are too damn expensive--$50 for basically a pair of panties. grrrr.

back to my prepping oral report on tomie depaola. that man is a wonderful writer, wonderful.

someone is supposed to be coming over to look at my apt for subletting, and he's late. i wonder what will happen with the rent.

06 May 2005


i just told my coworker i know why people drink and do drugs: to
numb themselves of the unhappiness of their everyday experience. i
hate the financial district yet recognize it is central to the
modern american experience. i hate how corporations maniupulate and
mess with people, yet am not sure how to get rid of them. the
corporatespeak is disgusting and i am so ready to get out. don't
worry: i'm not drinking.

if you're unhappy and you know it, change yr life.

05 May 2005


i'm feeling super anxious abt everything right now but am trying to chill out. it will work out, it will work out. i'll take the plunge. i'm holding my nose!
most cats don't sit like it. we say she looks like an old man. notice her hand in her crotch! al bundy indeed! Posted by Hello
luna and dai chi, trevor's stuffed cat puppet that his roommate used to torture in college. luna loves to claw dai chi. i love my kitty. Posted by Hello

04 May 2005


i'm starting to get really nervous. the lack of subletter thing is
making me panic--i'm having trouble breathing, feeling shaky. plus
i'm going to be all alone for so long...what good will seeing all
this art after a while do? there are major butterflies in my
stomach, and the indian food we've ordered for lunch will hardly
help me. (although i love indian food!) i want to travel, but is
this a phase? i've always said i'd want to travel, but not as a
tourist: as a person temporarily residing around the world

should you want to see my pack,
check it out:
it's great, but i can't believe i'll be living out of it for 3 1/2
and this here is my


03 May 2005

slightly drunk but still kicking

i will give up everything i know that is familiar this summer. in france, i will buy french conditioner. i will listen to krs 1 in italy, where i know no italian. i will walk throughout cobblestone streets, missing my beautiful cat. i must be courageous; i posted on craig's list; i got my backpack; my supply list is being filled; it will be okay.

02 May 2005


i leave in exactly four weeks. four weeks from now i will be on a plane to iceland, shaking with nerves and excitement. right now i just feel sick to my stomach (literally; i have a stomachache). i don't have a subletter and don't know how i'll be paying my rent if i don't get one, and laura's bad experiences with craigslist make me nervous, and i want someone discrete who will take care of luna. i don't have anyone and i'm getting really nervous.

01 May 2005

where i find life

this morning, on my run through greenpoint and williamsburg, i ran into the bike new york race. awesome! i ran with them most of my run, and they were cheering me on almost as much as i was! "where's your bike?" 'run, run, run!" i mostly yelled, "woooooh! lookin' good!" and clapped. the energy was so amazing. it reminded me of the marathon, and the high, high energy that the audience spread to the runners. there weren't too many cheerers (actually, i was one of the only ones in my hood) but it was such a fun way to give energy to people.

since my trip to colorado, i've been breaking down the boundaries whereever i can--on line for security, i ended up in a bizarre joking conversation with some guy. the guy in the middle seat of my plane to denver was a chatter, and we ended up talking. (i fell asleep for 20 minutes, and woke up, thirsty. before i could go to sleep, he began talking, "so you slept." yup.) the streets of boulder are filled with friendly people--including old friends--so i could never walk far without a hello. it reminded me of how cold and selfish nyc is. i want to GIVE. i talk to old ladies in line at the grocery store, laugh at some guy as he tries to tell others we are on our first date at the bus stop when i don't even know him, bat my eyelashes at a neighborhood cat. i can't simply exist; i must give back.

where is my mind?

lately all i seem to do is run around doing stuff for my trip. i have this massive packing list on which i have way too many things i need to buy or get or put together. at the same time, i love my apt so much lately and don't want to leave all of its comforts (including my adorable cat, meow). i know i'm not ready to leave greenpoint or my apt or my cushy paychecks, yet in a matter of four weeks (!), i'll be in iceland before you can spell reyjkavik. i feel as i'm at some turning point in my life.

being in colorado has also made me re-examine nyc. and then i think there was some study showing how much pollution nyc had. how long do i see myself staying in nyc? till i get bored of it. i'd like to stay here another five years or so. then move to some chill town in california, like santa barbara where you can bike everywhere, have a garden, and i can work at an academic library and write, and watch luna chase butterflies (although luna will be 8 by that time, and probably even fatter and lazier).

i'm getting super nervous thinking about being alone, away from home for three and a half months, far from the comforts of home (if i get sick, i'll be in some place not home; if i miss my family or friends i'm screwed).

okay i'm going to go running and think about this while i let my feet carry me where my mind never can.