18 June 2007

i'm so sick of hating my body

i wonder, how much time do men focus on hating their body? i'm talking, full on hating. staring in a store window as they pass, thinking, "i really have got to start working out at the gym more" or "my hair looks awful" or "i look like shit, everyone must know." really, how much time? why do women spend so much time hating themselves?

i hate these generalization articles about self-image and eating disorders and that sort of shit, and i know all women do not feel that way, and in fact, i generally consider myself pretty happy with how i look. but for some reason lately, i've either been gaining weight in my tummy or i'm bloated (it may be a combination of both) but whenever i zipper up a formally comfortable skirt to find it snug, or see my reflection in a mirror, i get self-conscious and hating.

you know what? i hate when my friends complain about their thighs. when my aunt says, "you can eat as much cake; look at you. you're nothing." i hate when my mother hates her body. i hate when my friends hate their body. i hate their complaining; i know they are beautiful and wonderful women and i don't see their flaws. no, no one sees your flaws like you see them--if they do indeed exist.

in college, most of the time i ran track, i labeled myself "the fattest fastest girl on the team." i was hardly fat--when i was on the pill, i was in the 120s. yes, 120 pounds and i was the fattest. my coach was good at making us feel insecure over everything we ate.

i got sick--really sick--my senior year of college. a horrible case of sinusitis meant running was hellishly impossible and i constantly felt nauseas. the only thing i could seem to keep down was rice check. i would have a small bowl once or twice a day, sleep a lot, drag myself around.

yet, it was astounding at how everyone kept telling me, "you look so good," "how did you lose that weight?" and worst of all--"i wish i got what you got so i wouldn't eat." they didn't seem to understand at how merely going to my two classes and part-time job was hell; a 40 minute run required a nap afterwards and i was constantly suffering. but i looked good; because skinny=good. skinny=pretty.

i'm hating a lot lately because i can't fit into some of my really rad clothes--that's really the main reason. all my weight gathers in my stomach, and previously loose/comfortable clothing is no longer. it makes me sad. i lost a lot of weight during training for my first marathon when i ran much less; now, i think, during my marathon training last autumn, i probably gained weight.

i don't want to be obsessive. i don't believe in diets. i think dieting is bullshit and unhealthy. still, i'd like to lose my pudge. i know my problem; i indulge in too many sweets.

worse than hearing those i love hating their bodies, i hate them talking about dieting. about being on a diet. "you're beautiful, you're not fat! that's unhealthy!" i think my metabolism has slowed down as i eat a lot less than i used to but still weigh more. in the past few years, i have greatly minimized the amount of processed food i eat. i buy very few packaged meals--cereal, powerbars, etc.--but i definitely do not eat any trans fats and try to minimize the amount of high fructose corn syrup i take in (which is in my beloved gatorade).

but what to do...how can i make myself happy with what i see in the mirror? how can i make myself feel okay in the presence of my friends--instead of staring at their seemingly perfect bodies and lovely flat tummies, wishing i had them? how can i learn to just love myself and stop wasting time on this bullshit of self-hate?


BostonBill said...

Nothing is as it seems. Nor is it otherwise. Tenzin Gyatso

V said...

You are so freaking gorgeous, I am always amazed when you say things like this. I don't know how to get you to stop hating your body, I wish I could....

As we age, our metabolism slows: there's nothing we can do about that. So....that lends itself to weight gain....naturally. And it's a part of getting older, so I've come to (mostly) accept it....

And I have my pudge, you know, which I think is bigger than your pudge. Most of the time I'm like, whatever, I have a pudge. Who cares. But yes, I have those odd moments when I hate it, and then I spend the rest of the night doing so many sit ups that my pudge hurts the whole rest of the next day. Except for the summer, when I indulge in baked goods containing fruit, I'm not a sweets person; my pudge I'm sure comes from my over indulgence of alcohol from time to time. But I'm not ready to give up the things I like to eat and drink, just so I can look like some scrawny waif that this society thinks that I should look like.

Yesterday I was at the beach, and there were these women who were quite plump, and you can tell they didn't give a hoot: rubbing their tanning oil all over their curves and sporting quite revealing bikinis. They were quite refreshing to watch, especially amongst all of the too skinny college-aged women surrounding them. I pointed them out to M, who was in jeans and a t-shirt (it was in the 90s!!) because she is so self-conscious about her weight and always has been. Besides us, no one else was looking at them or paying them any mind. Now she's thinking of buying a bathing suit for the first time ever, so she can go in the water with her daughter....

I hope she does! As I hope you learn to accept and love your body, too. It's okay to have a moment once in a while. We all get them. But I hope you learn to mostly love your body, all the time, because there is no reason why you should give in and hate it b/c this is what our sick culture tries to demand that we women do.

Anonymous said...

well you certainly dont listen to me ever. i tell you you are beautiful and it seems to go in one ear and out the other, and it makes me kinda sad.

Maximus said...

Are you kidding??, you are just fine the way you are.
Listen i'm not the one ever to sugar coat anything because believe me i'd rather hear the truth than have someone lie about it.

So once again i have to say C. you are just fine, if you have soem issues with pudge that only bothers you than you know what you have to do....
...Eat Better!
Too much of anything is not a good thing and you said yourself you like to eat, now if you don't want to cut back then you shouldn't worry because no one is perfect, your issue may be pudge my issue may be I'm not 6 ft tall, so we all have something ,at least you can change it if you really want.

By the way I have to disagree with V (as much as i hate to)yes your metabolism slows down but look at someone like Mick Jagger, that dude is about 90 and I dare you to find pudge on him.

And about the plump women on the beach, I'd bet anything they wish they weren't so plunp but they probably feel there is nothing they can do about it,.

But in the end it's not so much what you look like that makes you attractive it's who you are, and if that's the case then you're one hot mama ;)

Chris E said...

Yanek, you bewilder me. I don't really understand all the complicated body issues you detail, but all I can see is that you look pretty fit to me. Fit as in the English parlance meaning 'very attractive,' I mean, though of course you look fit in the traditional sense also.

Ugh, I'm tired. But you get what I mean, I hope.

Anonymous said...

I am 23 years old and from your picture, I think you're more fit than I am. I try so hard to get rid of my love handles and pudge, but for some reason it never goes away. The only thing that worked for losing weight, was losing it the wrong way. By not eating anything at all. We have different body types, so don't strive to look like anyone else, but you.