this way

i hate feeling so sad for no reason, for not wanting anything, for wanting to just be solitary, wanting to cry, curl up and not have anything to do with the world.

Word of the day

Buddheaucratic.

When Buddhism is forced to become bureaucratic to survive.

Fabulous feminism

I love Girlistic mag. Read it all here.

Still, it continues...

My god…how can it go on?

Sad story of the day.

to travel to?

el camino de santiago
guatemala
costa rica
belize
argentina
chile
peru
cuba
egypt
turkey

too many places....

what's the dealio?

so lately, i've been super swamped. i've been working too much, not running enough or working out, holiday shopping like crazy, and making people gifts. this week i have a department holiday lunch, job holiday lunch, running friends holiday dinner (the latter two in the same day!), plus a ton of cookies to bake!

i guess the other thing that's going on is i'm feeling ambivalent about future travel plans. i was all set to go to turkey and egypt and suddenly am not really feeling it...i'm not sure why. i want to go but at the same time, i'm a little nervous going alone, and am wondering, "should i go someplace i want to go more?"

the thing is, in 2-5 years (depending on money and life situations), i plan on traveling extensively. that means, quitting my job (which i actually really like, though it does not pay very well), giving up my apt, and traveling for a year or so--central and south america, and asia, and hopefully australia/new zealand. after that point, i might be taking a big move (depending upon t--we could move to ecuador or australia, who knows?).

so should i go someplace i'll have the opportunity to go to in a few years? i will plan on going to so many places, so maybe i should go to one of those places...the question is, which one? i don't feel like going to asia...i'm drawn most to central or south america...turkey and egypt still seem interesting, but i don't know...something in me isn't making me want to run there.

advice?

i had a wonderful dream last night

i had run two marathons in the same day; i was almost done with my last one (and it was actually more like an ultramarathon). i was feeling pretty tired, but okay otherwise. i was about to eat a gel and running with this nice guy. cara was behind me and i told her not to sit on the couch or she'd never get up.

but i know i'm a runner because i was SO happy in this dream--running two marathons in the same day could be fun!!!

like back in the days

about a hundred years ago, the second person i loved broke up with me. we had a tearful breakup after fooling around in his parents' bed (i know!), and he said, "it must be. we must end this." i was crying, pleading, doing all those sorts of things you do when your heart is being broken. as we got into his parents' car to drive me home (from NJ to my parents' on LI), he put a smiths tape in the cassette player and said, "we have to listen to the smiths." i wanted him to turn it off, but he refused. it was the most miserable ride of my life home, and i cried the entire way, hating the smiths.

since then, i have never listened to the smiths (no surprise). it was always associated with a painful and teary breakup. recently, at a friend's house, the smiths came onto the ipod during shuffle play. i remembered, yes, the smiths fucking rule! so i got a cd at the library, and am now once again enjoying them. yes, a little depressing at times, but i can finally appreciate the beauty of the songs.

snow

it's our first snowfall of the year. i woke up at 730am so i could get a good workout in (7 mile run, lifting weights at the gym, half hour on the cross-trainer) before the snow started. it started hours earlier than it was supposed to. i ran quickly but carefully on the white streets, taking care not to slip, enjoying the sound of snow falling..so many people were inside missing one of the few times that my neighborhood in brooklyn looks pretty...i truly got to appreciate it.

because beauty is in everyone...

i recognize that people are beautiful from the inside...and i have seen beautiful people of all races, sizes, ages, abilities, classes, religions, nationalities, etc...but the idea of having miss landmine strikes me as rather odd, and i'm not sure i'm a huge fan...i'm not a fan of any kind of beauty pageants (because why do we need to judge women on beauty) and this could be seen as fetishization...what do you think?