this way

i hate feeling so sad for no reason, for not wanting anything, for wanting to just be solitary, wanting to cry, curl up and not have anything to do with the world.

i hear that song...

and it makes me want to cry. it makes me feel like i am in the middle of a field, covered with a thin layer of grass, in the middle of nowhere, and it starts to rain. i am lost and i don't speak the language. i am wearing thin clothing. i crouch down as the rain throttles me. i put my hands around my head, squatting close to the ground. my clothes become drenched and transparent quickly. i begin crying, hard, harder. and the rain becomes louder and i realize there is nothing to do but cry.

congrat-u-fucking-lations

i've never had anyone else make me as unhappy as you have.

when human contact makes you want to cry

today, everything just hit me so intensely.

i was waiting for the light to change when this guy stole this woman's cab. "i was here first," he told her. "i didn't see you," she responded. "well, i was here first," he said, getting into the cab. she leaned in, "can we share it?" "i was here first," he said, sliding the cab's minivan door shut.

how cruel and selfish people are.

i was carrying a package from paragon, along with a large bag of cat food (for my large cat!) when the l train came. i was listening to my ipod (standard for rush hour) and reading dh lawrence's women in love. the train doors opened, and this guy came out and my earphones were ripped out of my ears and he was moving, with my earphones. "hey!" i shouted. he looked disturbed, and then relieved. he gave me my earphonoes and a weird, sensitive moment passed through us. i got onto the train and read.

i went to the lab as i was supposed to get a test. this guy ran up to the counter and wrote his name ahead of me. the receptionist left. i couldn't take it. i left.