17 April 2009

the importance of the important

lately, i've really been evaluating my life and seeing what is important. my grandma has recurrent melanoma; it's an extremely aggressive form of cancer. it came back again in her leg, and so there's been lots of talk abt no chemo, abt surgery, abt radiation, abt what-to-do. my gram is getting surgery, then radiation, and it's a scary, sad, hard process.

last week, after much thought and decision, t and i drove down to florida. (or rather, he drove all but one hour and i sat in the passenger seat, babbling and knitting and dozing.) it was great seeing my grandparents, but i think the worst thing, was the talk of "what-would-happen-to-papa [my grandpa]-should-something-happen-to-gram"? i realized that quite possibly, not only would i lose one grandparent in a short period of time, but two. gram makes sure papa eats, takes care of himself, doesn't drink too much, and she gives him love and life.

"i can't comprehend it!" i told t as we drove to easter dinner. "i can't imagine...i can't imagine what it would be like."

shortly after, i curled into the fetal position as t drove. "you okay?" he asked, and i replied quite honestly, "no." we drove in silence until shortly after, racking hysterical sobs overtook my body. i couldn't control it and he pulled over when he could and held me as i cried.

a coworker called me the next day, freaking out abt a petty deadline. i had no sympathy. how can i? my grandmother is sick, this is life or death. it's so hard to care about things like deadlines and formatting on a document and when someone says "i need this urgently" i know they don't. you need oxygen, food, water, and not cancer to live, not some stupid research.

this situation has forced me to think a lot abt my life, abt how i am not living like i want to live...and i'm starting to make changes. small ones, but i need to write more, live more, spend more time with my family and less time with petty bs.


Anonymous said...

I lost both my parents and grandfather in 3 years time. I don't think I was completely oblivious to what was really important before I lost them, but after losing them it was beautifully clear. Your family, friends, the one you love, and yourself...they are all that matter. Make the most of each moment...good or bad. As long as you are with the ones you love, it's perfect. When I look back those are the times I smile about. Certainly not the unimportant crap so many people get caught up in. It sounds like you already know that. :) I follow your blog and check for new writings once a week or so. You're a fantastic writer, but the goodness that bounces from your heart to your words to your readers eyes is what keeps me checking back. It's lovely to read your inspiring and refreshing words. I'll keep you in my very positive thoughts. Thank you.

V said...

when my Gran almost died it brought me back to Buffalo and it's why i NEED to stay right now. people try and tell me i can go wherever but no, i can't right now. we've been talking about this quite a bit, but needed to tell you this post, i understand it completely. i love you, girl! stay strong.