22 : 35 Was Not What I Set Out To Do

I set out to PR.

I set out to wreck my PR. 20 hours was my initial hope, and then Ray K. dragged out some irrational hope that I could run it in 18 hours. I scoffed initially at the thought, then wondered.

But we all forget, don't we? We forget the strikes against us.

We forget when we are prepping for the race, pinning the number, ultra-style, of course, on our running skirt. We forget when talk about goals, about nutrition, about upcoming races. We talk about drop bags, about sunscreen, about coconut water.

But we forget all the things that mess us up. Like being shattered over a heartbreak that ruins training for weeks. Or severe asthma troubles for nearly two months which prevented me from doing speed workout or hill repeats. Or the lack of strength training and cross-training for two months while I traveled. And I'm sure all that rum didn't help either. And the very minuscule amount of long runs I did - for me, anyway, I do better with more longer runs. And let's not forget the lack of coconut water at the race, lack of breakfast day of the race, the poor night of sleep, the day before walking aimlessly around strip malls, hitchhiking, and crying, fighting w/ my mom and my sister (originally supposed to crew), who only showed up at the race when they thought I was quitting - and they left.

Let's not forget all those tears.

But I did. I went forward, with energy, because that's what I do. Ray K. and I wouldn't shut up. "Polar bear!" Laughing at everyone that passed. "OMG, Gatorade, it's kind of like a fine Merlot." Seriously.

And I stumbled.

Kevin caught me, he did, and I'm glad. He helped me warm up, literally dragged me to the finish line. I am so grateful to him and could not have done it without him.

Three minutes off my PR.

But that's not what I set out to do.

When I finished, I didn't care. I hurt so bad. My feet ached. I was on the verge of tears at all times. I couldn't even think about anything positive. Just...done.

Three minutes off my PR.

And when I began getting all the congratulations, I felt bitter. 22:35? Far from my goals. I felt like a failure.

But really - considering - considering all I forgot - considering - considering -

I totally rocked it.