03 June 2015


Tonight as I was walking across the Pulaski Bridge, I felt old.

Not elderly old, but no longer young. An attractive-looking woman, probably in her late 40s, passed me, laughing. That will be me soon, I thought, thinking wistfully of my 20s. You don't realize what you have until you've lost it.

In my 20s, NYC was a lot seedier, sketchier. Dudes hanging out at corner stores, cigarettes sliding around their lips, pants hung low. Drugs deals happening at the park - and when my best friend dated a guy who did H, she went there. I walked around in tiny little dresses - okay, let's be honest - they were nightgowns, little nightdreses - with platform sneakers. I stuffed my money in my bra, hoping no one would steal it. I wore glitter from the craft store as makeup. Life was somehow simpler. Gourmet delis were out of our reach, everyone was broke, we stayed at clubs until 11am, the after party was in our apartment, and I never, ever did drugs despite everyone falling apart around me. Maybe that's why I feel old - everyone around me has their sh*t together, people have babies, but we're all still wandering in our hearts. We feel like we're 20, but we're not. We have jobs and pensions/401ks and bills and in the corners of our eyes, we're starting to get wrinkles.

I still have dreams....publishing my book, maybe doing the AT, a RTW trip, hiking through the Amazon, doing the jungle multiday through the Amazon, running around different South Pacific Islands....

It's never too late to have a dream. Even though I came home, washed some dishes, prepped some muesli, took off my eye makeup with real remover, I know where I've come from. I don't know where I'm going, but really, the truth is, no one does. Everyone else just thinks they do, but we're all just doing a routine until stuff gets started - or until we remember our dreams.

We're all lost souls.


(Mary) Shannon Johnstone said...

When I turned 40, and first said my new age to someone it was a man who was seated next to me on a plane. He said, "40? You're just waking up!" And he was right.

Anonymous said...

Wait till Y'all young'uns turn 60... and envy your friends in their 80s (hoping to get there) and have a 99 year old mentor (grandmother)who told me recently she sometimes feels "old" "not ancient or decrepit" she said, "just old, like 25 or something instead of the 18 I have felt for so many years.)

Fluffy said...

I am 50. I still am a optimist and caring for issues for social justice, the poor, and animals. I am still glad I think like I was in my 20's being accepting of other peoples views, open minded, healthy living, dancing, making small talk, reading, quite time. I do attend the parties but I like to help out at the events, dance, and talk to people. I am glad I am flexible where I can apply myself in a support role in a relationship. I say to my friends I am fifty, fragile, and fabulous.

Andy Beck
The Fluffy