09 December 2003


This is not meant to intimidate you. This is just meant to encourage you to look into the idea of a hotel.

Hi, you want to be my visitor. I know I have a cute little Greenpoint apt with colored walls and an adorable kitten. I do have food in my refrigerator, but I stock up because I shop infrequently (I don't have time). I have a comfy futon and supposedly decent water pressure. However, if you'd like to stay, here's some rules on how to be a good houseguest. (I'm learning from the bad ones!)

1. Thank them. Often. Repay your gratitude by doing housework, taking them out for dinner, buying them a little present for their house. I've been in this situation before, and I've bought groceries, house knick-knacks.

2. Don't eat their food. Even if they say it's okay. (Which sometimes they don't!) Buy food. Honey, this is Brooklyn. There's a pizzeria on every corner.

3. If you are starving and need to eat, there are rules:
never start anything
never finish anything.
I thought this rule was pretty much unspoken but I guess I have to remind some people. If there is a little bit, they may want that last bite or bit, and if there is an unopened whatever, they may be saving it for something.

4. If you eat their food and ask they may say yes because they are not comfortable saying no. Also, if you are eating their raviollis with catsup, do them the favor and eat it decently; sauce. (Remember her, Trev?)

5. No sex in their house. Unless you are their goodest bestest friend they may not like this.

6. Do not messy their house. This is not cool.

7. Don't go through their stuff, or borrow their clothes or whatever you think it's okay to borrow. It may not be.

8. Offer to do your host favors, such as fetching dry cleaning or preparing dinner. They'll thank you.

9. Ask your host places to see in the neighborhood, and allow them to take you on a tour.

I don't mean this to be disparaging, that I don't want houseguests. I like houseguests, but I just don't want a roommate. Especially in my one-bedroom apartment. (Trevor, you're clear; you're my boyfriend.) (Marie you can stay over still, this isn't you!) So respect your houseguest. I try to start off on the right foot--a bottle of wine if you are going to be impeding their lifestyle, maybe some pastries (yum!) or just some love. But please, don't take things for granted. DON'T!

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