missing you

i was thinking of something from a long time ago: a memory. and i turned to my left, as if you would be there, but of course you were not. where are you, where were you? i have lost track of you, have no idea where you are or what you're doing. do you think of me? do you miss me?

you'll always be my best friend.

rain

the kind of torrential downpour people gasp, "i haven't seen this since_____." i remember only weeks ago, knowing you were coming over, running through heavy torrents of rain similiar to this. tonight, i ran home, arms full of bundles from bloomingdales (a rather bad habit), rain pouring from the sky. when it's raining like that, raining so hard you can barely see and no matter what, you're still soaked--even if you have an umbrella, even if your windows are closed--you have to simply accept it: it is raining and i am going to get very wet. and then a big smile will take over your face.

rain. i'm happy. it's a beautiful thing, especially since the sky is blue. it will stop soon. and my smile, yes, i'll still be happy.

friends around the world

i have friends in many corners of the world. alex (and his mother) have already insisted i stay with them when i visit sydney (and andrew and john are moving there too in august!), rocky is in melbourne with his pet kangaroos, miyuki in la (though she's from japan), friends across the states, chris in toronto, dan in leeds, emma in hamburg (though she's from nz), friends from australia, new zealand, all across europe (from iceland to greece), south america, africa, all over.

that's part of traveling, part of living in new york city, and part of being a citizen of the world.

last summer, on a berlin city tour i took recommended by chris of toronto, i ended up meeting chris (yes, another one, but this one from just outside of london). my tour guide was from williamsburg (right where i live in nyc). chris and i ended up spending much of the tour talking, and ended up meeting that night for a stroll around the holocaust remembrance memorial and getting drinks at a german pub. he was one of the people i def felt i connected with that i met on my travels. we kept in touch throughout our travels, emailing, and since we've been back, emailing rather sporadically.

in london, we met up by the hmv in covent gardens and ended up lunching, walking a lot, talking. he missed the first english game in the world cup for me (so i must be pretty special, eh?). it's amazing how linked you can feel to people who travels; others, like t, think it's cool but don't get it. i'm feeling antsy already...i've been in the country two weeks and want to leave. i checked plane fares to lisbon for this weekend (too much!). traveling is one of the most important things to me.

so back to friends around the world. i was in london to see a friends' wedding, ended up making friends with their friends, and i have even more friends. but seeing chris in his natural habitat (well, almost; he lives outside london a bit) was really awesome. i'm glad i saw him (and hope he can get his butt over to new york city, which is, i believe, just a bit more fabulous than london!) and it's amazing to have connections, friends, everything, all over.

now if those fares to lisbon would go down a bit, i might make some friends there...

for those moments when you feel like you're settling, listen to this song

MADONNA
EXPRESS YOURSELF

[Spoken:]
Come on girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got something to say about it
And it goes something like this

[Chorus:]
Don't go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you've got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you'll know your love is real

You don't need diamond rings
Or eighteen karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last, no, no
What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

[chorus]

Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right then move on
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better baby on your own
(Baby on your own)

[chorus]

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

[Intermediate:]

And when you're gone he might regret it
Think about the love he once had
Try to carry on, but he just won't get it
He'll be back on his knees

To express himself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey hey

What you need is a big strong hand
To lift you to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Make him love you till you can't come down
(You'll never come down)

[intermediate]

So please

[chorus]

Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
Express himself
Hey, hey, hey, hey
So if you want it right now, make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not
Express yourself
(You've got to make him)
So you can respect yourself
Hey, hey
So if you want it right now, then make him show you how
Express what he's got, oh baby ready or not

happy pride!

pride was good, but exhausting!

it's so amazing the ways in which nyc celebrates lgbt pride! so fun! i am so proud to live in nyc b/c it is open and diverse (at most times) and gay pride originated here.

for those who don't know, patrons at the stonewall inn in nyc's greenwich village spontaneously rose up against the homophobic police trying to bust everyone...there were riots and demonstrations for several days in 1969. the gay pride parade commemorated these events and originates in nyc. go nyc!

on saturday i went to dyke march with the cheerleaders and cheered some dyke faves inc "big judy," "coming out day cheer," "masturbate don't detonate," "queerleaders," "my bush is better" among others. (check out nycrc's website for more cheers!) i was exhausted from jumping but it was SO fun! at one point it started raining and i lightened things up with "it's raining dykes, hallelujah, it's raining dykes!" so fun. after, we cheered at remote lounge's prochoice lesbian party...fun.

today i went to pride with richard. he told me about the earlier prides, about people grinding against every pole they passted and humping police officers. sounds like a lot of fun. it's a bit more clean...but still fun. drag queens everywhere, condoms flying through the air (i think i need to start having sex in response to the number of condoms i got in the past two days!), lgbt pride everywhere, floats re: aids, floats re: homeless lgbt youth, pflag, schools, everything.

and then i saw "every day i hear fag/dyke at least 25 times during my school day" and that brought me back. i was called dyke all the time, mainly b/c i refused to conform to their standards. that was the standard long island insult at my high school if they wanted to piss you off or insult you; for boys, it was fag. and i realize how much i hate high school--i still hate those people for inflicting such pain on me. v went to her high school reunion and i would never, ever fucking go to mine. i would spit in their face if i went. i hate those people still. i can't believe i've been out of high school so long but still, i remember their cruelty. hopefully they have changed but i really don't want to find out.

so i was just in london...

to see andrew and his boyfriend of 14 years get married. it was a beautiful love story and i'm glad i witnessed it. andrew and john are english, but john's job transferred them to the usa (which is how i met andrew), helping with visa issues for andrew...b/c they respect same-sex couples at his corporation (inc helping pay for andrew's degree so he could stay in the us without hassle). they're moving to australia, so i really wanted to be there.

i flew over from the states to see this beautiful ceremony and be there to celebrate with my friend. it really was an amazing and beautiful day--better than any of the heterosexual weddings...b/c you knew it was going to last. they are fun and they are sexy and they are finally able to celebrate their love. as john said, "we just wanted something ordinary. we didn't want to be special. we wanted to be like everyone else."

yes, ordinary and fabulous.

they also talked abt being recognized as a couple, finally feeling like "real people"--something the usa doesn't afford them. this topic has been on my mind a lot as i've been researching lgbt issues in the workplace at my job, and david gave a presentation on this very topic...people tend to assume you're heterosexual unless you specify otherwise (or act a certain way) and lgbt people always have to conceal...and it's fabulous they can be out and proud and happy in their love.

i'm so happy for them! congrats!

from t"The Great Gatsby" on this summer solstice

"Do you always wait for the longest day of the year and then miss it? I always wait for the longest day of the year and then miss it."

congratulations to andrew and john on their civil partnership!

our generation's choice in furniture

"it's not like i like ikea, or want it. it's what i can afford."
--a, speaking for himself, but also for our entire generation

monk

i'm drawn to buddhist monks always.

today on the train, a buddhist monk got off. he turned around and stared at me, and my heart felt as if i was falling in love--that is how drawn i am to monks.

then he tripped and i felt terrible.

i walked closely behind him, feeling his amazing energy. the colours--the maroon and gold--struck me deeply, and i listened to him talk tibetan to a friend.

the spiritual life to me does not exist in the church but in people.

"sorry i can't hang out tonight, i'm sterilizing my dirt"

so this morning my speaker fell off my dresser and landed on my favorite rubber plant, smashing its beautiful clay pot that t gave me a while ago. (sorry, t, i'm sad too!) so tonight i purchased a cheap ugly pot at my local florist, and got the dirt my dad gave me out of the cabinet.

i have been having a gnat problem so i researched sterilizing dirt on the internet. the gnats were residing in the dirt so i put the dirt in a ziploc bag, added some water, and zapped it in the microwave...and took it out and saw blood. i killed a worm. somehow this freaked me out hardcore and i ran outside with the dirt, dumped it around the tree in front of my house.

i'm giving the dirt back to my dad. he can use the fertilized dirt. yikes.

from bob dylan "ballad of d"

Ah, my friends from the prison, they ask unto me,
"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
And I answer them most mysteriously,
"Are birds free from the chains of the skyway?"

being single is great, but....

my back is sunburned and it's hard to put aloe on my back. partners are good for putting sunscreen on, and putting aloe on when you're burned....

but i'll make it, i know i will.

i thought of k when i saw this button

"a handjob is still a job"

my sentiments exactly--ha!

being single

thanks to jessica for inspiration for this

i just have been realizing, hey, i dont need to be with anyone. it's okay to be alone, to be single. it's more than okay; in fact, it's fabulous. i can be best friends with t, i can be single and dance alone, i don't need to be tied down to someone immediately.

in fact, i think i feel better alone right now.

i like sleeping in the whole bed, naked. i like eating pretzels in bed and drinking water after i come home tipsy. i like cuddling with luna and cat fur all over the place.

i'm happy with my life right now.

that doesn't mean i don't want to be with someone--it just means i don't feel the need to be constantly with someone. j has mentioned how she's jumped from relationship to relationship and she's so happy now that she's single. being free and fabulous is much better than being with someone...who necessarily isn't good for you or what you want.

c'mon, it's new york city, baby, you think i don't know there aren't heaps of others out there? i'm patient b/c i know sooner or later, i'll find what i'm looking for. but for now, i'm enjoying me, me, me, and the freedom i'm finding.

i compared dating to shopping in a thrift store. at the point we're at now, everything is used. you have to dig deep to find the good stuff--j, just be patient and you'll find those "designer rocker duds at this thrift store" if you look long enough.

sure, someone may be good-looking, but if i'm not into it, forget it.
i need more, more more--i need intellect, i need fun, i need spontaneity, i need chemistry, i need someone i get along with.

and until then, i'll keep on movin sistah!

i'm so bored of the U-S-A

i came back from london last night after an amazing trip: i saw one of my best friends marry his boyfriend of 14 years (everyone kept asking if it was my first gay wedding, and i was like, duh, i live in the states!), i saw one of the coolest people i met on my trip, i purchased heaps of tea, choc, cds, went out to some fantastic drum n bass parties, talked abt how hateful the us is...then i landed and customs gave me trouble ("why is yr bag so heavy?" i overpack and overshop!) anyway now i'm in baltimore for SLA which seems pretty quiet still...nothing happens for another hour and twenty minutes. but i'll update my london trip with photos once i return to nyc.

Terrific Dali Quote

"I never understand why at a restaurant, when I ask for a grilled lobster, they never serve me a telephone."
--Salvador Dali

it's my birthday today!

i started off by celebrating the day with a run!

i'm gonna beat asthma

i forgot to take my inhaler this am and didnt realize it until i was nearly done with my run. i struggled a bit, but i ran. i'm gonna beat asthma, i am!

i'm reducing one of my inhalers again!