29 September 2011

And you get in one of those moods...

...where you start rethinking everything.

I woke up late, threw a comfy running outfit and hit the streets. I met N, one of my favourite running partners, and we did what we do best: ran while pouring our souls out. We talked about psychiatry and depression and love and running and politics of running and what's next and racing and friendship and basically, everything that matters. That's what comes up. I felt great, I ran with ease, and it felt like a perfect (though humid) run. 

And then on the subway, there was that rare smile. I miss the days where I didn't commute on the train, where I walked or rode Mabel my bike to the Boulder Public Library. But I ended up making a connection with a human being, oh-so-rare, talking about Howard Zinn and how we got busy and stopped protesting and activism and what's going on on Wall Street.

Well, technically it's not Wall Street because of course the police didn't give the permits. Instead, it's that plaza where you go to the Farmers' Market or the falafel stand on the way to Century 21. And it's beautiful the way democracy is being made, or at least, how people are sharing their voices. I've been heading over there the past few days and being impressed.

I thought to myself, "I must bear witness to this history being made."

And then I thought to myself, "No, I mustn't do that. I must influence, I must partake in how history is being made."

But what am I doing? Washing my dishes and playing with my cat and not sleeping enough and letting work take up a lot of space in my head and riding my bike around Brooklyn and trying to do all these things but not accomplishing them. Like what happened to my novel. I need to move on that.

But I have no solution. I'm going to figure out how to break out of this shell of routine and live with my heart open. I don't want to live anymore a life where I have to put on that stare-straight-ahead-total-bitch look because the stupid construction workers/guys smoking cigs are all staring at me, rating me, talking amongst themselves after I/other women pass. I want to live a world where we hug hello. I want to live a world where dreams are realized every day...and everyone's there to help you.

(It sounds like I want to live at Burning Man every day...)

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