how to move forward when all you want to do is sit down and cry

With the wind whipping outside, NPR playing in the kitchen, and a cat sleeping on a suitcase, it is difficult to see where the pain exists. However, when I look over my left shoulder, I see the piles of boxes and wrapped furniture. It is official: he is moving out.

He is my partner since 1999; while we officially broke up several months ago, we have continued to live together (nothing unusual for NYC here). There were periods of horror and pain and anger and not seeing each other for days (He often stayed at his friend's.), but now that it is finally happening, we both are overcome with sadness. Going through things - "I think that's your baking dish;" "You can keep that extra spatula" - we are saddened as we see our future and past crumble away into boxes.

I still am in shock, in a way. I never really thought it would come to this. I mean, for so long I looked forward to the end of pain, the end of the unhappiness (major reasons why we broke up), but now I can't seem to imagine life without him.

Dating in NYC is a mysterious and annoying game. I don't even want to play it right now. I'm sick of the BS and sometimes wish I lived someplace a little simpler. I'm looking forward to getting my new fabulous bed, sitting in it with my cat, doing some knitting, relaxing. I'm looking forward to writing again, starting to send out my novel to agents. I'm looking forward to planning new trips. I'm looking forward to getting my mojo back.

I'm glad I have a lot of good things to propel me forward - some fabulous races coming up (Watchung 50k next weekend, Dances with Dirt 50 Miler in February, Umstead 100 miler in March, Boston Marathon in April, Miwok 100k in May...), some really awesome friends.

My New Year's resolutions are to eat less sweets and do more core workouts. But I also really want to figure my life out - I'd love to save up enough money to quit and travel, but I think that might be a lot longer in the coming than I'd like.

It's the last night of the past of my life. I'm going to head to the gym, and then help T pack and sort through some more stuff. Tomorrow night, maybe I'll go to No Parking on the Dance Floor and dance myself into the future, or maybe I'll sort through things at home and enjoy the sound of silence, or maybe I'll find solace in a good friend with tea. 

I think I have to stop planning things out. I have to stop having 5 year plans. I have to start thinking, "Things are going good now, let's take baby steps."

I know my races. I know I'll be at Burning Man. I know I have good friends to support me. I don't know anything else, but I'm going to enjoy the lovely beautiful small things right now.