How to Procrastinate

(Designed for the student, or for those dealing with something they'd really rather not)

It's that time of year again: no, not holiday time! It's procrastination time. With finals approaching, here's some great ways for you to procrastinate studying, writing those tedious papers, and doing other dull matters involving homework or something you'd rather not be doing.

1. Check your email. This is a great task, particularly if you rarely check it. Spend your time deleting old mail, rereading sent mail, and actually replying for a change.

2. Get in shape! Go running, do stomach crunches, do something. At least if you're not doing your homework you can be in shape. If you don't want to work out, pretend, and go shopping for a pair of sneakers!

3. Do I even need to mention the phrase, "Surf the web?"

4. Do your Christmas, Channukah, and other holiday shopping.

5. Bake holiday cookies.

6. Write you holiday cards.

7. Plan a party, write invitations, plan a menu.

8. Clean your house. Come on, when was the last time you scrubbed your bathtub with a toothbrush and a bucket of bleach?

9. Groom your cat. Brush, bath, clip nails, brush teeth, and give her other kinds of love.

10. Go to a petstore and play with all the animals.

11. Call all your relatives.

12. Call those people whose messages are still on your answering machine from four weeks ago.

13. Send friends in other countries and states postcards and clever letters.

14. Get a cookbook and stare at it for hours, without actually making anything.

15. Read overdue library books.

16. Go to a 99cent store and spend $20 on 20 different things you don't really need.

17. Organize you books in alphabetical order by the author's last name.

18. Arrange your spices in alphabetical order according to name of spice.

19. Rearrange all your cabinets and shelves.

20. Do laundry.

21. Listen to holiday music. Go to see the tree, wander around shoppers, sing outside people's houses until they give you hot cocoa or throw tomatoes at you.

22. Practice some Yoga.

23. Write up your new year's resolutions.

24. Make a list of Christmas gifts.

25. Buy Christmas gifts.

26. Read the latest J. Crew and Victoria's Secret catalogs. Circle many things, leave it around the house until a new catalog arrives, then throw the marked up catalog away. Repeat with each issue.

27. Talk to everyone on the street and in all the stores. If a cashier needs to change their receipt tape, assure them that you're not in a rush and tell them to take their time.

28. Paint your toenails.

29. Work on a story.

30. Hang out in the crazy cafe up the block and drink chai teas and play chess with some guy wearing a cape.

31. Go to CVS, Duane Reade, Eckerd, Rite Aid, and spend an hour throwing items in your basket, pulling them out, and end up buying nothing on your original list.

32. Sew a stocking for someone you love.

33. Go shopping for gifts for your pet. (Luna made me put that one.)

34. Try to find the lyrics for, "So this is Christmas" (War is Over). Apply to any other song you have a mild curiosity. Email to all your friends so they can see what you're doing in your spare time.

35. Decorate your house with holiday decorations. Remember to avoid tinsel if you have a cat because this is tasty to them.

36. Call Trevor Horwell, my boyfriend, because he knows every trick to procrastinating! (I love you, T!)

37. If you have exhausted these, and paying your bills, clipping coupons, reading the Sunday Times, and your house is spotless, you are properly groomed, your cat is perfectly groomed, well, I hate to break it to you:

It's time to do that homework!