IDEA: HOW TO POSTPONE YOUR REAL LIFE



Real life sucks. We always want to grow up and start that job and etc etc but really, working 9 to 5 sucks. So here's some ideas, in light of a certain JP, that may postpone life. Please don't blame me for ruining your life--this is simply something to laugh at.

1. Go to an MFA program. It's fun and you'll get to work on your writing, so it's not a waste of time. Make the most of your time.

2. Go to a second MFA program at another school. This, however, unlike number one, is a waste of time. (Didn't you already get an MFA? Why do you need another one?)

3. Go to a Ph.D. program. Someone actually told me this (you know who I mean, Marie and Andrew) because they didn't want to approach real life. Um, let's see you struggle with that Ph.D. program and then get a job answering phones and tell me which is easier. I love research, so I'd def. prefer the Ph.D.

4. Live in Williamsburg, dress in clothes from Beacon's Closet, hang out in loft parties, at crappy cafes and restaurants on Bedford Avenue, live in a total dump where your toilet may be in a closet and your shower (no tub) is in your living room/kitchen. Get a job at a thrift store or simply mooch off your parents. (Option #2 is much preferred.) Call yourself an artist. Cover yourself with paint before leaving the house and stay up all night discussing Rimbaud, Camus, and other French-sounding people who you probably don't know what's going on. See a therapist that your parents pay for and bring your laundry home to your parents whenever they take pity on your hard life in the big city and pay for your plane ticket/train ticket home.

5. If you have loans, keep going to school. (This is a very popular option, as deferral is wonderful!)

6. Become a cat lady. Lose your job and when welfare comes over, they'll agree you're insane. Go to all the animal shelters in NYC metro area and claim you don't have a cat but want to rescue one. With one cat from each shelter, you're sure to have well over a hundred. Keep track of their names, feeding habits, and toys. Move into a studio apartment if you don't already and live there with the cats until someone complains about the ammonia-like smell emitting from your apartment.

7. Become a porno star.

8. Since #7 is probably unlikely, feign illness and tell someone who loves you that you can't work. Because you are not really sick, doctors won't be able to figure out your ailments. Stay in bed all day and when you're alone, do stomach crunches so you won't get fat and watch Pretty Woman.

9. Have people over who make your sheets smell like a gas leak and then you have to call the fire department. The smell will surely keep you out of work for a while. GLP.

10. Become a bike messenger. Quit after three days because your legs are sore. You can't afford the paper to look for jobs so just collect unemployment.

11. Temp.

12. Sell your eggs.

13. Raise rabbits and sell them.

14. Call yourself and actor and never study script or attempt acting; just carry around a play in your bag, preferably a Mamet.

15. Listen to Hot 97 and try to win all the contests. Maybe if you call enough you can win enough money to pay for your rent, and enough free concerts to take care of your social life.

16. Move in with your parents.

17. Move in with an older brother/sister who is cool and doesn't mind that you sleep all day on their couch as long as you wash all the dishes.

18. Call yourself a writer and sit in cafes (smoking cafes a plus) scribbling grocery lists, potential crushes, and other notes in a moleskin journal. Carry around something that screams, "WRITER!" Kerouac's "On the road" always seems to do this. Added plus: everyone loves (and occasionally, hates) Kerouac so you can have further distractions. Sip capuccino loudly and check your watch. Dress carefully, all in black.

19. Get certification and teach Yoga, swim classes at the Y.

20. If you are into S&M, open up a cat bathing service. After the scratches set in, close down and think of another business. An ice cream store in the winter. After that fails, find one of those "Dummies" books about opening a business and fail yet again.......

(I hope you get my humor!)