NON-NEW YORK PIZZA REVUE/REVIEW

I lived in Colorado for two years. Having traveled to other New England towns and other places around our little country, I have decided to give you some advice: NY pizza is good; everything else sucks.

If you don't believe that and you want some more advice, or you want to try pizza and you're living in Kansas, here's some advice.

1. Pizza Hut will make you ill--too much grease. Don't try Dominos, or most other "chain" pizzerias like that.
2. If it says "New York pizza," it probably isn't. Go in there and ask if you can use the bathroom. (New York pizzerias usually let you so if they don't, get out of there quick.) Listen to the way they talk--if they sound "New York" or "Italian," eat there. But if you hear them say, "eye-tayl-yun"--get out of there as soon as you can!
3. If you go in and see no pizza but a menu, don't eat there. Either it's a "spot" (in which case you don't want to eat there) or they are awful cooks. One instance I had in Colorado was very bizarre. I ordered a spinach slice, figuring it's going to be your usual spinach slice. Instead, from some compartment underneath the cabinet, they pulled out a slice of pizza, and then sprinkled some dried spinach on it, and then put it through some weird toaster oven with a conveyer belt type of thing. Very scary, and disgusting too. Avoid this type of "cooking" at all costs.
4. If they call their heroes "grinders" or some other weird Midwestern term, this usually means they are scary.
5. If they serve something that is definitely not pizzeria material. (Kinda like how all the Chinese places in New York have started serving chicken fingers and french fries--What???)
6. If it doesn't smell like pizza, it WILL NOT taste like pizza.

So basically, don't eat pizza outside New York. If you must have pizza, Jetblue and Song are both fairly inexpensive. Everyone has their favorite pizzeria. I love mine on the corner, Triangolo's. The guys are very friendly and the food is awesome and cheap.

If this isn't an option, my aunt recommends Boboli (you build a crust, something like that). Trev takes frozen pizza and sometimes jazzes it up with peppers or whatever it is that he likes.

NB: There are some decent pizzerias outside of New York, though they are few and far between. For instance, some Brooklynites moved to Melbourne where they have an incredible pizzeria on the beach. This is okay. Remember: listen to the way they talk.

Above all, smell, look, and keep some Tums on hand if you're really not sure. But honestly, if you're really not sure, you shouldn't even be eating there in the first place!

BON APPETIT!