25 February 2005

loving you

i'm posting this. you'll probably never read this, but someone should.

i miss you.

i miss fighting over whose turn it is to do the dishes, how much hair from my cat is everywhere, i miss me grabbing all the sheets and you being grumpy about it. i miss everything about you.

long distance doesn’t even touch what used to be us. everything is rush—you miss new york than you’ll ever speak of, instead eating out with a frenzy, burmese, pan-asian, yaffa cafĂ©, dojo’s, who knows what else. you run to your best friend’s house at 10pm, promise to be back soon. i wake up at 4am to an empty bed.

still i miss you.

but this has me wondering: what if that specific night, i stayed on the phone with d longer, or maybe you came over and i told you later, or i went back to my room to stretch and read victorian novels or dye my hair pink or purple or whatever i felt like? what if i didn’t go to your room, to experience that kiss which transformed me, transformed us, made me gasp: omigod, i think i’m in love with my best friend. would it have happened another day?

and is there love at first sight? all of my loves started as friendships; one relationship i had started with an infatuation with dark black hair combined with clear blue eyes: hottness, the radicatz would say (yes, two Ts). that started physical; we never got too deep. (we were in high school, what can i say?)

and you see these matching websites, have you noticed all of the couples that got married did it like three months after they met each other? desperate? i don’t know, you tell me. physical looks are nothing to base a relationship on. it’s the mind, and the feeling you get. but, of course, you do need chemistry.

falling asleep
like some airplane crash
you drive a little longer
so you don’t have to wake me up (inara george)

and thinking of you, so far yet always so close in my heart, i realize, some things are out of our control. and i think there is no way at all to be separated from you. distance, yes, we get in a fight and we go into our own worlds. but i think with love, we are too close.

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