i've already received two emails for international women's day, which is a great day, but i am more focused on the fact that is the third anniversary of my grandfather's death. i remember being at target and missing a call from my mother; "oh, i'll call her later." i'm glad i did because when she reached me and calmly told me the news, i had a bit of a breakdown, falling on the floor and crying hysterically. i somehow remember being in my old apartment (my old roommate and i were in the process of moving from a small apt on the 2nd floor to a larger one on the 3rd) and crying, crying, crying to kika and marie. i flew home for the funeral and was in a state of shock. he was the first person close to me to die. having little experience with death, and not having yet the buddhist nonattachment, i was unable to death with it in a mature way. i spent the entire funeral and wake crying, being of little comfort to my grandmother. we sat holding hands crying.
perhaps because of this, i feel crappy. i don't feel like going to le souk tonight to listen to music, to get tea with a friend or a drink, or going to work. i know i must continue, but i miss him even now, three years later.
t and i are breaking up but death is so permanent. if i wanted to, i could possibly rekindle things and work things out, even if it is 10 years from now. i could fly from the small south american island where i would be living to the great barrier reef, steal him away from his new girlfriend, make passionate love, and get back together. but when someone is dead, there is no chance to see them again. it is over. it frightens me. what happens when you die? i don't know. i don't believe in heaven or anything specifically; i'd like there to be more than your body turning to ashes or packed in a box in the ground to be later eaten by worms. maybe reincarnation; that makes the most sense to me. but honestly, i'm not sure.
what do you think? where is my grandpa now?
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