15 May 2006

i wrote this a while ago and found it while cleaning....it makes me sad as this is not even "foreshadowing" but smacking me over the head....so sad

It is past our bedtime. You are lying on my bed in jeans, t-shirt. From what you normally sleep in, you might as well have on your jacket too. I am sitting in the bathroom, on the closed toilet seat, thinking of what tomorrow will be like.

Will our fight continue, venomous words spewing from our mouths? Will you leave and never return my calls? Will one day an email come from you demanding I mail you that obscure item you left at my house, insisting I never get in touch with you again--maybe you'll want the cock ring to use with someone else?

Or maybe you'll have blocked me out of your mind--a kind of amnesia.

We thought it could work, admist the vast differences--an artist and a scientist, a dreamer and a realist, a financially responsible one and...oh, fuck the labels. we are different. we were different. we were so arrogant: oh, our love, no one else feels like this. we have something special.

yet on and on we went: forever unhappy.

what can i say? tears, words, embraces--all met with resistance. violence in the tossing, ripping words. i think of a missed yoga class tonight--perhaps if i went, tonight wouldn't have turned out so. my mind would have been clearer.

you are so clever, so calm, so cool and collected. i, the messy one, with my dreams and desires out in the air, acting and talking, australia and europe, novels and libraries. i want to do it all (and am determined to do so) and seeing you, my love, makes me want to forfeit it all, the world for the solace i locate in your embrace. and when i see you, my heart flips, yet you act cool. i try to mimic you but you are not me an di fail.

i wonder where we are going: not even us since that no longer appears to be an option, but you & i, separately. me, i've got big dreams, and you're number one in them. am i in yours? anymore?

who knows?

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