sup

i had a pretty good weekend. i went to rosa's in CT on friday and i had a bit of culture shock (i am such a freak--the second i am abt to go someplace in the US i start panicking if it's outside of nyc (except LI i can handle b/c i grew up there) and getting all nervous and antsy and feeling uneasy b/c everything other than nyc is strange) but a really splendid time. i love rosa. we spent some time in nature but turns out, i'm freaked of dark forests at night. oh well. saturday i went to a rooftop party in the south bronx and got pretty smashed (etc etc) and then cabbed it down to the complacent party where i danced with too many friends and strangers till 5.30 am. today i spent the day with the fam out on the boat and at a family bbq (boca burgers for cherie).

but yesterday a lot of things hit me. i went to rachelle's to help her move her apt--b finally moved out! n came over too and the three of us really bonded b/c all of us have recently gotten out of long-term relationships (eight years for r and n, six for me). r was over b a lot more than n and i were over our exes ("why?") but we all felt free.

"dating new people is SO strange!"

and where do you meet these people? r had all these books like there goes the bride and some weird matchmaking books her mother gave her and i was reading them for a bit, but snorting at some of the advice. apparently, i have to look sexy while i work out. my limited tanks that i run in that i originally bought in seventh grade garner enough comments; imagine how much i'd be sexually harassed if i wore sexy clothes?

but i digress. being single is a very scary thing but at the same time, i kind of like my freedom. freedom to talk with whomever, to have a bit of space. i don't know what's happening tomorrow, and i'm rather savouring it. i can listen to specific songs on repeat (i currently have a playlist of four songs on my ipod titled "tracks i'm obsessed with" that i listen to repeatedly) without any faces being made. plus more space in my apt. more space in my life. it's hard, so fucking hard, and it's esp difficult when the decision can easily be reversed--but i know i shouldn't let it be, and i won't. i have demands, and they'll never be filled, b/c my heart has been crushed.

i said months ago to dan in an email, "absence makes the heart grow fonder, but neglect only leads to decay." i think that sums so much up.