29 October 2004


everyone at my job, esp my boss, thinks i'm so optimistic. people love to complain, and certain people (my mom, t) will tell you i'm good at it. my boss complains a lot and there's such insane things going on at my job--who knows if this will exist next week? therefore i choose not to focus on it. i always highlight the good things...when it was freezing and our heat was so bad last winter at work, instead of complaining, i pointed to the workers on the side of the building on some flimsy scaffolding 18 stories up and said, "at least we're not doing that." it is so crappy all these things are happening...and i am hoping we do not have anything else happen in ny. but seriously, i mean, i'm not in iraq, i'm not sick with some disease that i know of, i am healthy, i CAN run and i can afford running shoes, i can afford to buy organic milk and eat food, i have a great bed and i have a warm place to sleep. sure there's some definite problems in my life (like the severe pms i've been having, chocolate or nothing else, or like the fact a chimp is running our country) but i'm trying to create change. like showing my butt and wearing short cheerleading costumes is a great way to do that. i have to do this thesis that i'm always bitching about but you know what--i'm so lucky to be getting an education! and sure my commute to queens college sucks--but at least i don't have to walk there.

i'm also reading a lot of thich nhat hanh and pema chodron to deal with the pain i feel and it helps dissipate it easier. okay a breakup--you know that all the good they gave you is always there. if someone dies they are also always there, strongly. i don't know if i believe in heaven or reincarnation or fate...although noa convinced me divine design had control. i don't know.

i believe in love. love is the one thing to me that is impt. and when yr with someone who doesn't believe it, well, then they have to realize that you are on a different path. those people are different.

i want to spread my love. i want to work with adults in literacy programs (hello, i am not a children person!) i want to help the world using direct action. sure that involves shaking my butt at rallies but you know what? that's fun. it keeps me going. i see these people bitching and complaining and what are they doing? nothing.

i have been unhappy and realized, hey, let's just do what is best. i mean, i only have one life. or one that i realize. i love living. i love my family, my kitty, my friends. i love t and v and the cheerleaders. v, who has slowly become one of my best friends lives in co but that makes us work on different levels. you know? you've got to focus on the positive.

it's so freakin hard tho. like, omigod i have this paper and that paper and i need to buy a food processor and blender b/c my love left with his and shit my floors are dirty and 8 people are coming to my apt tonight and five years is just that five years and nothing more.

andrew, if you're still here, pat on the back. i'm too naropa.

i am trying to balance everything and it's so hard. but i want to create positive change visible during my lifetime.

okay i still have pms. i'm going to eat some chocolate now.

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