running in the rain

today i pulled myself out of bed and propelled myself onto the rainy new york city streets. i am a crazy runner: to qualify for the 2007 marathon, one must be a member of the new york road runners and run 9 scored races. as it is late april and i only had one, i ran this one. it was only a four miler, but a miserable, rainy day: torrential downpour was the norm, and my shoes were so water logged i felt as if i were running through a shallow creek instead of the roads of central park.

about ten minutes after being soaked outdoors before the race, i came to terms with the rain. it was raining, i was getting wet, and there was nothing i could do about that. i began to enjoy the fat splashes from the sky, the puddles, even began wearing the mud on my calves as if they were badges: yes, you are hardcore, a hardcore runner.

after the race, i ran to the subway, soaked, and squeezed water out of my hair onto the train platform. puddles everywear, rivulets of rain streaking off my clothing onto the train floors.

and i came home and showered, drank tea and read: and then i realized, it stopped. the rain stopped. and i immediately left my house to enjoy my wide open sunday, complete with shoe shopping at DSW and errands around the union square area. it's amazing how the rain affects your mood, and this rainy weekend has left me despondent. yet now, as i sip my yummy organic strawberry paradise purity juice, i know that spring is coming. we need the rain for our flowers and plants and trees, and the sun will be around to entertain us. one must be patient, and accept the rain.

and run with the rain.

springtime is a time for rebirth

i got a new job.

v is introducing me to all this music--who ever thought my new fave song is by my life with the thrill kill kult?

t and i are probably ending things...due to the fact that it's practically impossible for us to ever be together unless i quit my amazing job and move to wherever he is. i'll always love him but i'm trying to be brave.

i'll be traveling for sure, even if it's just short trips--ibiza in july (or someplace else, maybe?) and brazil for carnaval in feb!

i'm doing a bit of editing!

i started growing plants from seeds on friday and the first sprouts shot up by sunday!

i feel alive, happy, and full of new life in this beautiful spring!

a very new york moment on the street yesterday

the scene: 14th st between 6th and 7th avenues. me, walking down the street east, wearing a short pleated tan skirt, pink tank top, and a cropped pink short-sleeved crocheted sweater. hair down. chatting on the cell phone with j. an attractive african-american man spots me.

guy: mmmm. you look like dessert.

i keep walking.

guy: and i got a sweet tooth.

me: well, i just had my chocolate so i'm okay. (referring the chocolate gelato carin and i had earlier.)

i suddenly realize that is not the best thing to say to a black man who's hitting on me.

guy: chocolate? you want chocolate? i'm all the chocolate you need, baby. i got chocolate. c'mere and get some chocolate.

me: jessica, um, this guy, don't say to a black guy you like chocolate ever unless you want to get with them.

guy: chocolate? chocolate?....

his voice fades as i rush into the subway.

life, lately

i've been catching up on things lately; my apartment isn't quite so trashed, and the spring-like weather is just divine! today i went shopping and found a surprisingly inexpensive and cute pink skirt at brooklyn industries (ironically, at their soho location). i almost passed by and didn't enter but then decided to--most of their stuff is costly but i was having a free day. i really wanted to go shoe shopping but both macy's and dsw (my prime location) were closed. i found some cute shoes at other places but a lot of them have suckass return policies and i generally prefer walking around my apt in new shoes for a night before i decide if i want to keep them. so....

sew buttons, as craig would say.

i'm having all sorts of adventures i don't even know how to describe that probably seem pointless to most of you out there. like for instance, today i ran an hour and fifteen minutes and felt wonderful afterwards. or the fact that i am aware of the fact of the limitless possibilites of nyc and don't ever want to leave. or the fact that nyc is so fucking gorgeous, take that, the south, new england, wherever--it's a beautiful, beautiful place and i love everything about it.

about nyc, one of my coworkers said of e, "she's leaving because she doesn't love nyc enough. you live here because you love it. like the main sucky thing is, it's impossible to save. you live in shoeboxes because you can't afford anything else. but it's better than anywhere else--and that's why you stay."

and why we struggle.

laundry

the thing i hate most about doing my laundry is the day you do it, when you're picking out something to wear, you think, "oh no, if i wear this today i won't get to wear it again for another week or two, until i do laundry again."

how do you get rid of someone you can't get rid of?

sometimes there are people in your life that you'd rather not talk to for a while--you just don't feel like dealing with their gloating or their big ego or whatever it is--you just want some space. and they keep calling and don't understand why you're not calling back and keep calling and you have to call back eventually but feel unenthusiastic and know in your heart that you still love them but still, you just don't feel like talking to them right now.

it's not me, it's YOU!

so t and i established that we are having an open relationship; thus, we are still engaged in a relationship (not engaged, goddess forbid, a commitment and a ring, t doesn't know what to do in that area!) but we are dating other people. right now, i'm not dating anyone but t, but i could.

so i'm hanging out with a (which stands for asshole if you must know) and he is being a bit too flirty, and i say, "look, treat me like you'd treat a male friend. would you treat a male friend like this?" and he goes, "i like you a bit more than i like my male friends." i make it clear (and made it very fucking clear before he even came over, before we even hung out) that i would not be getting with him. apparently, men are fucking stupid (t always says this; they don't care, they still will try). he keeps trying, trying to cuddle me, touch me.

a smooth move: "are you a romantic person?" he asks me. i nod. "on sundays, spending the day cuddling in bed is good for you, no?" i describe how i love to sleep in t's arms, to spend the entire day snuggling and kissing--which we do when we have time.

he responds, "let us have a deal. why not we don't mention my girlfriend [who lives in poland] and your boyfriend and then we can hang out?"

i get up from the couch and sit across the room. "no, no, it's not like that. i'll mention t all i want and i am not getting with you. it's not going to be like that between us."

he gets all pissy. "you're hung up on your boyfriend. you feel too guilty."

no, really, i don't. t and i established we can date other people and i'm very cool with that. just the thing is, i'm not into a at all. i find him not my type, fun, but i'm not attracted to him--and he's crazy in some ways, not someone i'd want to be with. if t were never bored, i still wouldn't hook up with a.

finally he leaves, and i'm happy. i spend the rest of the evening reading and i decide i never want to speak to him again.

a message when i turn my computer on this morning from a tells me i have a big ego. wtf? i don't want to get with you b/c i'm not into you--not b/c i have a big ego. i quickly type back, "i don't have a big ego. i'm just not into you at all in that way. don't ever contact me again."

all these people i'm talking to are totally crazy. being semi-single in nyc is dangerous--but of course, an adventure!

yummy fake fake

i posted on a message board for good meat substitutes (i'm a vegetarian) and here are a few recommendations:

• wildwood natural foods--tofu--veggie burgers
• morning star farms meatballs--put it in broth with carrots, garlic, parsley, oregano and pasta for a good soup idea
• morningstar farms sausage links
• morningstar farms bacon
• trader joe's veggie burgers

here are my personal suggestions:

• most fake meat products from trader joe's
• dr praegers veggie burgers
• nirvana burgers (if you like spicy ones)
• boca chik patties
• smart links fake bacon (with eggs--yum!)
• amy's organic burgers--esp the chicago and california ones

my fave way for veggie burgers is to spread one side of the bread with avocado, the other with hummus (esp trader joe's sundried tomato basil or abe's roasted red pepper hummus) and serve the burger with a slice of cheese, ketchup and any additional things around the house like greens, sprouts, pickles, shredded carrots, etc. yum!

pictures from colorado--two are views from venessa's house, and the other is a view from a bridge over the boulder creek

132 BPM--What a Beautiful World

a few weeks ago i went to ps1. i saw some incredible video installations that even if you generally don't like video installations (and i generally don't) you will enjoy these.

first i saw johanna billing's beautiful world which was comprised of a group of students (around ages 10-12, if i am estimating correctly) singing "oh, what a beautiful world"--but it included shots of croatia at its bleakest. the clips of photos interspersed with the singing children was captivating. the voices drew me into the room.

the other video installation i adored also featured music. torbjorn rodland's 132 bpm was phenomenal. i could not look at the other art on the floor as his piece drew me into the room--it called my name and i could not enjoy anything else until i sat through it three times. he takes music that is 132 bpm--standard techno--and includes videos in clips of the light playing through trees and other parts of nature, strangely, also shot entirely in croatia (although rodland is Norwegian). i highly recommend it! i adore it! i want to see it again!

artists are the true creators and saviors of society because it is us who inspires others, who draws them out of their everyday life and brings them into a lovely state of bliss, or otherwise creates emotion. there are disagreements on this, and not all artists are fabulous, and not all are saviors, but artists are very important.

Going back in time

The past few days, I was in Colorado. I went to graduate school at Naropa for two years, and have many friends in the communities around Boulder. My first night there, I was sick, wearing a coat, and experiencing culture shock at how many youthful slim figures paraded down the Pearl St Mall, often wearing khaki shorts and long sleeved t-shirts with perfectly propped sunglasses, laughing, preparing for their next hike or walking meditation or whatever. It is so completely different out there, days and evenings occupied with philosophical conversation, Buddhism and Tibetan culture quite prominent, tea and coffee often several times a day with various friends, exploring used bookshops....

I miss my much simpler life. Granted, when I lived in Boulder, I spent much of my time mooning over my long-distance love, missing NYC, and stressing about money, but there's just something so great about riding your bike to work and walking, biking and running everywhere you go.

since i've come home

i went away for several days and since i've arrived, i feel immensely bitchy. my suitcase took a bit to come out of the big gaping hole in the wall, and there was a long queue for a cab, and i've been running around, doing laundry and running to the health food store for provisions, and t didn't throw out the foul tofu or rice and bean leftovers (so my fridge smells like death!) and can't make my bed (at age 25, quite sad) and my apt is messy and i'm feeling cranky of all the things i have to do and my mom keeps calling, keeps calling to chat and "aren't you excited about working tomorrow?" (fucking no, i want my freedom!) and i am starting to go mad from being 26, almost 27, still having my mother know everyfuckingthing that i am doing and she only seems to respond to me being rude--which i hate doing but i don't need her to know who i was with and what i did and where i'm going. isn't that part of growing up?

so i am a bit nervous abt starting my new job tomorrow but right now i'm focused on cleaning my apt, cleansing the air, and putting stuff away. i hate being crabby but it's better than being angry. i'm listening to this excellent cd jennifer gave me and it's putting me in a much better mood.