White Hyacinths

If I had but two loaves of bread, I would sell one of them and buy white hyacinths to feed my soul.

--Elbert Hubbard

and the training for the umstead 100 miler continues...

I have to get more serious about things. I've been trying to make sure I do my strength training at least twice a week, preferably three times. I went to yoga tonight - I haven't been in forever and need to be more mindful about my stretching. I'll keep up with my cross-training, upping my mileage smartly, and training through glycogen depletion.

I'm excited and nervous and loving (and sometimes hating) the process.

Why do you run so much?

Lately, as I've been upping my mileage, training harder (lifting 2-3 times per week at the gym), cross-training, and really focusing for my upcoming race, the Umstead 100 Miler. People seem to be more aware of my training because it is taking up more time. ("Sorry I can't meet for drinks that late - I have to be up at 5:30 a.m. for training." "Oh, I've just been busy running lots." "Can we make it after 5p.m.? I'll be running all day...yeah, from 6am through 4pm. Yeah, that long.")

And then I get the inevitable question:

Why do you run so much?

I love it. I love running more than almost anything else. Running is the time in my life when I'm happiest, freest, most alive. Sure, some runs suck (like running a slow half over the weekend in Central Park wasn't fun, nor was a recent 3 hour run in pouring freezing rain), but running is ultimately, at the core of me. It's who I am. It all comes back to running.

Do you have a moment in your life, or something in your life, that makes you feel so amazingly happy? Perhaps when you hold your beloved child. Or waking up in someone's arms that you are in love with. Or while eating a delicious dinner made for you by someone wonderful. Or maybe watching the sunrise or sunset from the beach. Or kissing someone you're in love with (the kind of kissing that makes your knees go weak). Or an airport hug of someone you love so dearly. Perhaps when you were dancing last weekend, or in the midst of Burning Man around wonderful people. Riding your bike? Getting married...all those things might make you feel wonderfully happy - or not.

It's individual, what makes you completely happy. Running is my drug. It makes me happier than anything else. If it didn't, why would I do it so much?

Quote from Sex and the City

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

Meow!

Think from Poets

If the light is the soul then the soul is all around me.

--Nicole Perayfitte

Accept lost forever.

--Jack Kerouac

I must either create my own system or be trapped in another.

--Bhanu Kapil Ryder

The young never think of themselves as temporary.

--Bobbie Louise Hawkins

What is falling in love but drunken acceptance?

--Bobbie Louise Hawkins

I should like to die at your feet and live in your arms.

--Voltaire

Get it when you're alive; you can't find it when you're dead.

--Joanne Kyger

What on earth would kill for love -- who wouldn't?

--Ted Berrigan

I and I'm ab out to be born again thinking of you.

--Ted Berrigan

While my writings may not be exclusively political, they can never be completely private.

--Elene Sikelianos

We could never get enough money and power together to erect a government that cares about its people.

--Jack Kerouac 

In the winter, we have sleeves, but in the summer, we have arms.

--Maureen Owen

Be as thoughtfully fearlessly as you can.

--Rikki Ducornet

If it's not interesting, go somewhere that is.

--Rikki Ducornet

Until a poem is read aloud, it is holding its breath on the page.

--Edwin Torres

Are you ready to fall? Yeah! Then come on in!

--Edwin Torres

Love breaks down the hate to make people listen.

--Mac Wellman 

Speech is

my hammer

bang my

world into

shape

let it fall.

--Mos Def

Keep up the breath that could kill you.

--Jena Osman

Don't be afraid to see something you don't want to see.

--Mei Mei Brussenbruge

Innocence is the standard.

If you are not innocent, you are guilty

Renee Glassman Quote

"Being ruined is a beautiful thing  because it leads you to other places."

Some Quotes from Bobbie Louise Hawkins

"You speak and I hear violins."

"Love is a frenzy and has no limit."

"Love is the fastest and easiest way to get into trouble."

"We don't want a solution; we want to be mystified."

"To prove we mean it, we must go in harm's way."

"You think you know what's what and then you go and fall in love."

"Who remembers all the resolutions after the last romance?"

i fight like a girl

the following was on the back of our take back the night t-shirts many years ago.

i fight like a girl.
i fight like a girl who refuses to be a victim.
i fight like a girl who's tired of being ignored and humored and raped.
i fight like a girl who's sick of not being taken seriously.
i fight like a girl who's been pushed too far.
i fight like a girl who offers and demands respect.
i fight like a girl who has a lifetime of anger and stregnth and pride up in her girly body.
i fight like a girl who doesn't believe in fear and submission.
i fight like a girl who knows that this body and this mind are mine.
i fight like a girl who knows that you have only as much power as you.
i fight like a girl who will never allow you to take more than i offer.
i fight like a girl who fights back.
so, next time you think you can distract yourself from your insecurities by vicitimizing a girl, think again. she may be me, and i fight like a girl.


--stefanie

i guess you can't go short & fast AND long & strong...

There's so many things I LOVE about ultrarunning (great community, eating brownies while running, beautiful trails, hallucinations while running at night, geeking out on gear), but one thing I do not like about ultrarunning:


It's made me a slower runner.


My PR is 1:35 for the half-marathon, 3:28 for the marathon, but I haven't hit either of those times since 2009. (Okay, so we're only a few weeks into 2009, but I ran 3:46 disappointingly in the NYC Marathon this autumn.) I've noticed routes I used to complete in a certain amount of minutes are taking me longer...my legs are tired...I am slower.


I ran 8.5 hours last weekend, felt great the whole time, strong. The longer runs are getting easier. A three hour run is normal. A three hour marathon...well, there's the challenge.


I signed up for Boston, but I don't even know if I'll do it. Health problems indicate a minor surgery will probably be necessary, so if that's the case, I'm hoping to schedule it after the Umstead 100Miler and that way, I can take my 1-2 weeks rest easily and hopefully be ready for Miwok 100k and my crazy May of running! But running NYC last autumn, my shins, my calves, my legs felt so torn up by the pavement.


I want to run fast. I want to keep PR'ing in marathons, half-marathons. I want to run 1:30 half-marathon. I want to break 3:20 for the marathon. I just don't know if ultrarunning and shorter speedier races are possible for me.


My legs have been feeling sore a lot lately. This was part of the result of my crummy half-marathon this marathon -- they ached so badly I couldn't help but slow down -- I couldn't push myself. I am not used to running so fast, as well. Lately, my sore calves have prevented me from doing speed workouts.


I know what I need to do -- more speed. But I don't know if my fast twitch muscles are even around anymore.


I ran into my friend Lynn while running and she cheered me up. We chatted for a while, and she told me, "Cherie, you've done the marathons, the halves. Now do the hundreds, the fifties. You're long now. Focus on that and do it while you can." Lynn is a marathoner, and I am trying to take that advice.


I called my mother, almost crying. I hate being disappointed with my times. "Cher, you're not a shorter, fast runner anymore. You're a long-distance runner. An endurance runner. You can't do both and your body has changed. You're an ultrarunner now."


Thinking about it, I definitely prefer ultrarunning to marathoning. I just wish I could have both.

Can't Get Beyond That

Last night, in the midst of a fun dance party with Midori and glitter flying through the air and matchmaking and dance, dance, dance, I was struck by depression.

When I ran into my best friend from high school while running 3hrs in the pouring freezing rain by Prospect Park and told him about it, he said, "Isn't it funny how a million things are happening and you can't get beyond that one?"

This is a rather strange place for me to be in. I know this is partially a reaction to my ex moving out, but it's more of the fact that I am rethinking my life...what have I done...where am I going...what does this mean...will I ever find love? All those big questions that a lot of people die without ever answering.

My tactic for now is to live life one day at a time...running, cooking, seeing friends, going to dance parties, drinking wine, reading good books, taking things one step at a time, focusing on work...It's somewhat working, but then sometimes the sadness comes (and it's inexplicable; I'm not focused on one thing but it's an overwhelming feeling) and it's hard to move beyond that.

Maybe I'll move to South America in April. Maybe I'll fall in love with a stranger next time I go to my health food store. Maybe I'll win the Umstead 100 Miler. (Least likely of all to occur!) I don't know what is going to happen...I just know I'm going to keep on moving and try to get beyond any kind of sadness.

Watchung 50k

The Watchung 50k was a mixture of cold, pain, cold, fun, and more cold. Temperatures rose to a high of 25 (with real feel temps being colder). I dressed like never before -- tshirt, 2 very warm baselayers, a running winter jacket, and two pairs of running tights. I wore mittens with handwarmers, and a face mask with a hat on over that. It was COLD!

My first 6 miles were painful. Lately, I've been dealing with extreme calf soreness the first 30-45 minutes of every run. I had to keep stopping to stretching the first 4 miles or so.

Eventually, I was warmed up and felt great. I pushed myself whenever I could, and was very careful around the ice. Oh, and there was SO much ice. I wore my Yak Trax, which really helped me stay upright.

The race is 3 loops, with lots of great single track. The trees and bushes were covered with pretty white, and there were some nice sections where you ran next to water. The RD had a big aid station in the parking lot where we started, along with 2 other primarily water stops.

Being fat ass style, conversations were easy, people were friendly, food at the aid station (including whiskey and beer!) was plentiful, and everyone had a cheerful, happy day. There were some hills, some rocky sections, but nothing I couldn't handle.

Around mile 26, my feet really started hurting. I have never worn Yak Trax for so long, and my feet were starting to feel sore and irritated. Indeed, when I took them off, a thick red mark remained across the middle of my foot, and the bottom of my right foot ached like never before.

At times, the white blazes were a little easy to miss (in the white snow!), but I'm proud that I didn't get lost once!

It was a fun race, despite being cold. I warmed up fairly quickly, and did not remove any layers except my ski mask (which got wet with sweat and then froze, yuck). Nutrionwise, I didn't eat enough my second loop, but fueled up before my final loop with some delicious oatmeal cookies and pretzels. The volunteers looked at me as I was crazing as I raved over the deliciousness of the treats, but they really helped me finish strong.

And finish strong I did! I felt happy and accomplished!

ridiculous cold winter

it was fourteen, feels like four, with 40-45 mph wind gusts when i left my house to go running. despite being bundled up, i was freezing. i ran through greenpoint, williamsburg, bed-stuy, crown heights. people stared at me; is she really running? is she crazy? i must've seemed really hot since i got a bunch of yells, cheers, and honks. oh yeah, baby, ski mask sexy.

why i keep going...

everytime i find myself flat on my face, i pick myself up and get back in the race; that's life.

--frank sinatra

how to move forward when all you want to do is sit down and cry

With the wind whipping outside, NPR playing in the kitchen, and a cat sleeping on a suitcase, it is difficult to see where the pain exists. However, when I look over my left shoulder, I see the piles of boxes and wrapped furniture. It is official: he is moving out.

He is my partner since 1999; while we officially broke up several months ago, we have continued to live together (nothing unusual for NYC here). There were periods of horror and pain and anger and not seeing each other for days (He often stayed at his friend's.), but now that it is finally happening, we both are overcome with sadness. Going through things - "I think that's your baking dish;" "You can keep that extra spatula" - we are saddened as we see our future and past crumble away into boxes.

I still am in shock, in a way. I never really thought it would come to this. I mean, for so long I looked forward to the end of pain, the end of the unhappiness (major reasons why we broke up), but now I can't seem to imagine life without him.

Dating in NYC is a mysterious and annoying game. I don't even want to play it right now. I'm sick of the BS and sometimes wish I lived someplace a little simpler. I'm looking forward to getting my new fabulous bed, sitting in it with my cat, doing some knitting, relaxing. I'm looking forward to writing again, starting to send out my novel to agents. I'm looking forward to planning new trips. I'm looking forward to getting my mojo back.

I'm glad I have a lot of good things to propel me forward - some fabulous races coming up (Watchung 50k next weekend, Dances with Dirt 50 Miler in February, Umstead 100 miler in March, Boston Marathon in April, Miwok 100k in May...), some really awesome friends.

My New Year's resolutions are to eat less sweets and do more core workouts. But I also really want to figure my life out - I'd love to save up enough money to quit and travel, but I think that might be a lot longer in the coming than I'd like.

It's the last night of the past of my life. I'm going to head to the gym, and then help T pack and sort through some more stuff. Tomorrow night, maybe I'll go to No Parking on the Dance Floor and dance myself into the future, or maybe I'll sort through things at home and enjoy the sound of silence, or maybe I'll find solace in a good friend with tea. 

I think I have to stop planning things out. I have to stop having 5 year plans. I have to start thinking, "Things are going good now, let's take baby steps."

I know my races. I know I'll be at Burning Man. I know I have good friends to support me. I don't know anything else, but I'm going to enjoy the lovely beautiful small things right now.

New Year, New Life...

I feel like there are so many new things in my life, it almost seems as if I have moved someplace else. I've been on vacation from work for the past week, so I don't even have that constant to ground me. My partner of ten years, my best friend, my everything for so long, is moving out to fix his life - and although we did officially break up months ago, having him leave and lose his constant presence in my life is excruciatingly painful. I am sorting through things -- "This is yours, this is mine," replacing things (new pillow, new towels, new colander), bought a new laptop (How the hell do I buy a wireless router and how can I figure this all out?), am trying to figure out how to navigate my new life.

I think part of it is to think of life as a constant, ever-changing, ever-evolving experience. I cannot expect or plan things because the best-laid plans always crumble and fail. What can I hope for? I really don't know. I hope for happiness, for lots of running (and no or minimal injuries), for lots of traveling, and for lots of love.

I don't think NYC will be my permanent place - I see myself uprooting in a few years, maybe moving to the mecca of ultrarunning (CA) or traveling around for a few years or living in another country. I don't know what's ahead, but I know I should focus on my immediate happiness, and everything else will work itself out. Eventually.

I just have to be brave.

Santacon 2009

Santacon is a day where thousands of people dress like Santa, and roam the streets of NYC, heading to bars, bowling alleys, parks, art studios, subways and more to share in holiday cheer -- candy canes, gift givings, and yes, lots of drinking.

Holding up a bad elf in Washington Square Park

 

Me & Rachelle in the East River Park. Rachelle was a snowflake.

 

 Me, Rachelle & Ricola Girl (People dress up like everything!)

 

(Mexican Santa and me at The Danger party)

 

Pimp Claus

 Which way to the North Pole?

 Santas in the East River Park

Walking Christmas Tree

Difficult Decisions

After being sick for two weeks (including a week of not running), I was ready to hit the trails. I signed up for the Fells 40 Miler just outside of Boston, and was psyched to have one final trail race in 2009.

The course was 8 mile loops, and despite a forecast of rain and snow and 30 degree temps, I was psyched to spend a day out on the trails. 

I felt pretty slow the first loop. The terrain was fairly technical, with some big boulders that slowed me down, and it took a while to warm up. I was running alone when I ran into Nelson and Giselle, who were lost after arriving late. They were on the blue trail and they began running with me. Fun!

Back at the start, we fueled up, and Nelson and Giselle got the dogs. We ran the next lap with the dogs, which was fun. We changed directions that lap, and I liked that way -- easier.

Nelson and Giselle wanted to run in opposite directions, so Iliana and I ran together the easier way. It was fun, though it started raining a little. I decided to definitely do a fourth lap, while Iliana decided she'd nap.

When we got back to the start, the RD told me he didn't want me going out. "It'll be too dark." Damn, I didn't even think of a headlamp. I ended up borrowing a headlamp from someone. I began to get ready for my fourth lap.

"The thing is...I'm leaving at five. You can still go, still continue, but if anything happens. Bring your cell phone."

I was debating - should I stay or go? There would always be another race - but I hate stopping running, especially when I was having a blast. I decided I'd go. I swapped shirts for a drier shirt, put my mobile phone in my fuel belt, filled up my water bottle.

"You could slip..."

Getting lost in the dark...

I began to doubt myself. Should I go? Should I stay?

I dropped my headlamp and lost a battery. I was fumbling, trying to leave.

And then it started to sleet...ice...snow...rain...

And my decision was made. The rocks were slick enough at the start, even more so with a little rain. But with ice...I am not stupid enough to risk breaking a leg.

I was okay with that decision. Sad, yes, but there will be plenty of ultras. I ate some pizza with Nelson and Iliana and I began the snowy drive back to NY.

There will be another race soon. There's always another race. There's the Phunt 50k and the Watchung 50k and the Dances with Dirt 50 Miler and Umstead...so I didn't get in Western States 100, but maybe there will be San Diego 100 Miler or Big Horn or just a lazy day on the beach....There will always be more races. I knew if something bad happened I would not have been able to get help easily, and there would not be people periodically passing me -- and I would regret the decision of taking an extra lap. Sometimes, the smart decision is the hard one to make.

We Are a Different Generation

We are the Twitter Generation. We are the generation of living with someone for ten years, breaking up, and still living together. We are the generation of expensive hobbies, like surfing and skiing and scuba diving, despite small salaries. We are the generation of having cats instead of children. We are the generation of spending too much on certain accessories or shoes, and then wearing handmade clothes or hand-me-downs. We are the generation of drinking too much until way too  late, seeing the sun rise, then going for a run. We are the brunch generation. We are the generation of margaritas before tennis. We are the generation of sex with people whose last name you might not get, but the generation of taking it slow with people who matter. We are the generation of "Family First," but the generation of "All Families are Psychotic." We are the generation of fancy delicious cocktails, designer drugs (whether or not you partake), and where saying no gets you strange looks. We are the generation of doing things our own way. We are the generation of artists. We are the generation of struggling.We are the generation of reading US Weekly in between Anna Karenina. We are the generation of reading YA books. We are the generation of jargon. We are the generation of cocktails before brunch. We are the generation of discussing things our parents never discussed. We are the generation of philosophy at 4am on the JMZ train. We are the generation of replacing batteries on our carbon monoxide detector but forgetting to pick up our dry cleaning. We are the generation of seeing ourself in other people but knowing we are special. We are the generation of instant gratification. We are the generation of not lying to make other people feel better. We are the generation of not sure how to let people down. We are the generation of knitting, of crafts, of hot cocoa with paprika, of sex at inappropriate times, of making do, of taping postcards on the wall next to expensive matted framed artwork. We are the different generation. We are the fuck you generation. We are the generation of things you didn't know was possible.

I miss the 80s...

figuring things out

Sometimes, it takes illness to put things into perspective. In the pain, I try to focus beyond, but other things are no longer blurred.

My life has been complicated, but most people's are. I feel happy that my rough patch is ending soon, and am learning to redefine myself. (You know how when you travel you constantly redefine everything around you and who you are? I'm doing that without leaving my city.) My doctor forbid me to run (Well, she said, "Stay off your feet," so I'm pretty sure today's 20 miler would be verbotten. Last time this happened, when I asked her if I could run, she yelled at me so loud everyone in the waiting room heard me.), and I know I can't always rely on running to pull me through. During all I have recently suffered, I related to my friend last night, maybe there was some sort of relationship between running and quality of my past relationship. Perhaps some mathematician has determined this? I'll have to ask the ultra list.

I haven't been sleeping enough but I have been asking lots of questions. I've been snuggling with my cat, knitting, dancing, giving hugs to complete strangers, throwing flower petals, rejuvenating friendships on the city streets. I've been writing, looking at what's next, letting the road take me, spreading the love of within. I'm happy how things are figuring themselves out next. I love the scene I'm a part of in NYC - the parties, the running, the secrets. I know this city isn't for me for forever, but there's so much here for me to explore and discover.

In honour of Jessica, here's the song that really wants to make me dance lately.

50k Solo on the Greenbelt Trail

Had a great run today on the Greenbelt Trail on Long Island. I got lost at one point (when crossing Washington from the north, do not go on the white trail with black dots directly across the street; instead, cross, run down the road abt 300 meters and then you'll eventually see the entrance). My favourite part was when I was trying to run around a mud puddle and I slid in and couldn't stop laughing. It was mentally tough, but I pushed beyond: I must be strong for my upcoming ultras; I want to go sub-24 at Umstead. I need to work on becoming more mentally tough.

What Love Can Be Like

A longing that comes upon you while you are loading the dishwasher or weeding the garden or sitting in front of the television or turning out the light to go to sleep, and you don't even know what it is, this longing, and you think maybe you're in need of a vacation or maybe you are dying because the ache of it hurts so fucking much.

--Binnie Kirshenbaum, The Scenic Route

NYC Marathon Race Report

Last Sunday was my fifth New York City Marathon, and my eighth marathon. Everyone was constantly saying to me, "Oh, a marathon? 26.2 miles is nothing to you." I disagreed with them before, during, and after the race. 

I like ultras better because you can stop and that's fine (even normal!), you meet tons of people because you're talking, you get to run slow, you see amazing nature, dirt is soft your feet, changing terrain is interesting.

However, as far as marathons go, I adore New York. The diverse neighborhoods, the people, my friends, family, coworkers (even boss) are all out there cheering me on. The communities really give so much of themselves and you understand why NYC is such an amazing place.

I had a tough race -- mentally and physically. I was aiming for 3:22, though I really wanted sub 3:20. I started out running strong. My first mile was slow because somehow all these 9:30 milers were ahead of me (!) and I had to shove through them all to be able to run a decent pace. I held strong, passing my parents and boss at mile 8 exactly when I was supposed to.

At one point early on, I felt pain, but ignored it -- I drew my energy from the crowds, from my fellow runners. I had a HUGE smile on my face -- nearly the entire time. It is such an amazing race -- even if you don't run marathons, do NYC once. You will be blown away.

Williamsburg was nice, and I saw all my friends from my running team, North Brooklyn Runners, at mile 12. Mile 13 was right by my house, and I felt good. I pushed over the Pulaski Bridge, and saw Megan and Kesha (coworker and former coworker) just past the bridge. I was struggling and starting to feel out of it but kept pushing.

Before we turned onto the 59th St Bridge, I saw these people with a table of food. I found I could no longer eat. (Part of my problem I later see is that I woke up too early, ate breakfast before 5am, and only had a gu and started running at 9:40. Not enough food...) "Please, food! Do you have pretzels?" I ate a bite of apple spice cake and a handful of pretzels. I was able to focus and pick it up.

On the bridge, well, I think if I jumped into the East River I might have felt better. My pace drastically slowed and everyone passed me. Ugh.

On 1st Avenue, I picked it up. How could I not? Like an idiot, I put my name on my shirt, and people would not shut up. Okay, I'll run faster.

After I passed my parents at 91st St, I was still on target for a PR, but not a 3:18.

Harlem...dragged...feet...hurt...felt...like..passing...out...

The Bronx. I stopped to pee. I stopped in a medical tent for pretzels (yes, I eat like an ultrarunner). I hated the Bronx. I always fall apart in the Bronx.

In Manhattan again. WTF? How was I so far north? To run all the way DOWN to 59th St, crosstown, and then up to 68th St? Is there a bus I could take? At least in an ultra, I can munch a brownie or pretzels and walk for a few minutes and there's no shame. In this race, the crowd will not let you walk.

I looked down and saw Nelson's legs -- his red tribal tattoos make him stand out. I ran up to him, and we both admitted we felt hellish. I gave him some jelly beans.

I had a smile, though. At 97th St, I saw my amazing coworker who had a homemade pink pompom and a sign with glitter and my time: 3:22 (which I told her I wanted to break). I was bummed.

Into the park. Thank god. The crowds would not stop screaming. Stupid hills. I've run in this park more than anywhere else, yet it seemed so foreign. I pushed, but wanted to do. "Don't give up! Cherie!!!" I ran on.

I couldn't...wait...to...finish...

Running along the bottom of Central Park takes forever. When I heard the band at the bottom of the park, I felt relief...but then I had to run UPHILL to the finish. The crowds would not shut up. I pushed, I struggled...

I finished.

3:46. Far from my goal time, but I finished. I finished in the city of my love, NYC.

Living

We have to make our lives meaningful. People die by the thousands every day without doing anything. We must make meaning. 

--Ibrahim al-Mugailreeb, Human Rights First

Do not what you want, and then you may do what you like

"Do not what you want, and then you may do what you like."
--Sadasiva

This quote has truly inspired me for several years now. It means so much things to me, but primarily, it teaches me patience.

A few years back, I decided to quit my job and travel. My job was making me miserable, and after an email to my friend Jessica, she wrote me, "Do not what you want, and then you may do what you like." I sat with this quote for a while, and pondered what it meant. It taught me that ultimately I'd be able to do what I liked, what my ultimate goal was, if I sat and was patient and not running off to follow my impulses every other second.

Right now, I have ideas every other second...sell my eggs, quit my job, and move to India...move to California and spend all my time running...keep doing what I'm doing...save up for a RTW...move down to Costa Rica and live on a small farm eating avocados, mangoes, doing yoga, and writing...visit my grandma...visit my best friends...stay at home...knit a scarf for you...bake some more cookies...run 100 miles this weekend...run nothing this weekend...cross-train...ice...do yoga...do stomach crunches...start sending out my work...stay internal...fall in love...pull back...cry...don't cry.

This is a HUGE period of change for me right now. There's a lot of pain but I am trying to look at the possibility of absolutely anything happening. As a slogan for the Boston Marathon was two years ago, "Impossible is nothing." I am trying to embrace that, but with patience. I am living life with my entire heart, but letting my head make the major decisions as well.

Struggle is Beautiful; It is beautiful to struggle

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering,

known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
    --- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Motivate Yourself, Runners

Learn to run when feeling the pain; then, push harder.
--William Sigei

I've never regretted going for a run, but I have regretted skipping one.
--Chris Beck

Sage Advice from a Friend

Sometimes you have to close out some of the old so you can make room for some new. Not fun, but necessary.

Feminism Quote

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.

--Rebecca West

Dick Collins Firetrails 50 Miler Race Report

I initially read about the Dick Collins Firetrails 50 Miler in Trail Runner magazine, and it sounded awesome -- good footing, good views, good foods, good people. I fantasized about running it, but didn't register until just a month before the race. I'm so glad I did - it was my favorite ultra ever, probably even my favorite race.

I went to bed early the night before (East Coast time helped me out!) and slept 8 hours, waking up periodically to make sure I hadn't overslept. I arrived at the start, chatted with some really friendly runners, stretched, shivered. The race was fairly chilly at the start -- I started the run with just a tank top and running skirt on, and throwaway gloves (which I wore until mile 20).

With a view like this, how could I not be inspired to run fast?

We started in the dark at 6:30, but as most of it was on pavement in the very beginning, headlamps weren't really necessary. There were some hills, but I pushed on, excited to finally be running a race I heard about months ago and constantly thought about -- especially one that was run by the legendary Ann Trason! Wooohooo! (I don't crush on celebrities, but on ultrarunners like Ann Trason.) I ran the first twenty or so miles with a really lovely woman named Laura; we discussed our desires (and my fears!) to get into the Western States 100 Miler lottery. I lost her when I stopped to pee, and I was happy to see that she finished quite strong (and made the qualifying time for Western States lottery).

Focusing and running hard

The course was hilly -- lots of ups and downs -- and is an out and back. This means that while mile 20-25 you are running downhill, you hate it because you know on the way back you will be walking and suffering. Most of the hills weren't the heavy-breathing-painful-walking-type-hills, but the kind where you could drink some water while power walking or even do a slow run up them. There weren't too many technical portions (yay, because I suck at technical running), but there were some really lovely views, including a bunch of switchback portions which made it difficult to sometimes see how far ahead you had to go.

Smiling big around mile 16

The aid stations -- they were THE BEST of any ultra. Most aid stations tend to run out if you aren't in the top 10% of the race, but this ultra was great. Each aid station had water, heed, S-caps, homemade cookies, homemade brownies, potato chips, pretzels, potatoes with salt, m&ms, watermelon, oranges. I ate brownies, potato chips and watermelon. Yum!

eating a brownie while running=heaven!

I met so many amazing people -- super-friendly runners, aid station volunteers. I was wearing all pink - pink visor, pink tank, pink running skirt, pink gaiters -- so whenever I arrived in an aid station, I got the "Pink lady!" or "Pink!" shouts. It felt pretty good.

I was SO happy to finish. I was pushing as hard as I could, running the hills, and when I saw the finish line, I almost started crying. I ran with my hands high up in the air, pumping them with a massive smile!

Post-race, finishers got a wine glass, jacket, t-shirt, tote bag, and the most amazing post-race BBQ (veggie burgers, grilled meat (if you're into that), homemade soups, pasta salads, corn, amazing dessert, yum) -- I chatted with a newbie and his family, and had the biggest smile!

I had PR'd by an hour and twenty minutes -- I finished in 9:47! I had hoped to break 11 hours, and to break 10 was awesome. I came in the top 100, and this was pretty fantastic in my opinion (out of 234 starters).

Strangely enough, that night I went to a party, had swollen feet but was mostly fine; the next day, the aches were so minimal I barely noticed; I went to San Francisco Burning Man Decompression and danced and walked around for nearly twelve hours. Only my big toenail complained (and looks like we're getting rid of that toenail anyway!), but I felt remarkably recovered from having run a hilly 50 miler!

Finish line rewards!

dick collins firetrails 50 miler - preparation!

I'm so excited - I'm running another 50 miler. 100s are immense, monstrous, require insane amounts of training, and once you do them, 50s seem quick, like cake. I pick my 50 milers based on the beauty of the course, the fun, the volunteers. I hear they serve homemade cookies at the Dick Collins 50, and there's amazing views - so you better believe I'm psyched to run 50 miles there!

As I'm counting down the minutes, I'm resting, cutting back on alcohol, increasing sleep, and getting psyched for some good times on the trails!

what i did today

Oh, the hilarity of Hunter S. Thompson

I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

--Hunter S. Thompson

Excerpt from GIRL by Blake Nelson

What I didn't understand that first couple days was if sex was so fun why didn't people spend, you know, like six or eight hours a day doing it? I felt like I could have. And I looked at all the grownups and older kids and the counselors and I thought how everyone on earth complains they can't get sex but why can't they? Just go meet someone and do it. Everyone wants to, how hard can it be? And even if you don't like that person much you'll be having sex with them and sex is so fun of course you'll start to like them.

--Blake Nelson's GIRL

Packing list for a 50 miler

I began a list of what I'll need for my upcoming Dick Collins Firetrails 50 Miler, and my suitcase is almost already full! I still have to cram in a costume for Decompression, clothes for a few days, and my toiletries.

Here's what I'll need or pack for a typical 50 miler:

• Fuel belt with 1 bottle
• 11 gels (I won't eat them all, but I like the security in having them)
• 4 sports jelly beans
• peanut M&Ms (2 small bags or 1 big bag; I switched from Snickers to M&Ms)
• pretzels
• 1 5-hour energy shot
• 2 pairs of socks
• 2 sports bras
• 2 tops
• 2 running skirts
• Body Glide
• visor
• shades
• Imodium (After what happened at the VT50, I won't do a long race without it!)
• Ginger candies
• Inhaler
• Watch
• Tissues
• Trail sneakers
• Endurolytes
• Gloves
• Long sleeved shirt
  

While I obviously won't use all of it, this is what I like to have for security. If a race is closer, I'll pack more, but since I'll be in SF for 5 days, I need to cram as much as I can into my suitcase and am limiting myself.

Iroquois Trail 50 Miler

The Iroquois Trail 50 Miler on Saturday was full of ups and downs, and a little bit in between - I'm talking more about my state than the hills, though it was pretty much the same for the terrain.

The morning started off chilly - I wore a long sleeved shirt, gloves, and running skirt at the start. I immediately began having challenges with my fuel belt -- apparently, I had lost weight since the VT100 and the stupid belt wouldn't tighten enough so it jostled for the next 50 miles, which was rather annoying. I started the race out full of energy and excited to spend the day running 50 miles. My goal was to PR in a 50, to run sub 11:00, ideally 10:30, but I wasn't sure how difficult the course would be.

Overall, I liked the course. Ups, downs, outs, backs. Nothing too crazy, nothing too insane. My major problem with the course is that it was not always well-marked; I had to stop several times to try to figure out where to go next, and even lost about 10 minutes when I ran in the wrong direction after a poorly-marked switchback.

Around mile 10, I had some "female trouble" and ended up wasting 5 minutes in a stupid portapotty. I took off quickly, only to encounter the shoelaces from hell. (Why were my shoelaces fine on various trail runs, including a 10 hour training run, but I run a race and they can't seem to stay in a knot?) After retying them ten times (I counted), I asked an aid station for help and they duct taped them shut. The volunteers were fabulous (as they often are).

Due to my shoelace issues, I ended up losing the group I was running with so I was alone, which wasn't so bad. Plenty of time to enjoy the scenery, chat with new people, think. I'm going through some pretty strong changes and rethinking, and this was a great to do so. I found I zoned out a bunch of times, moving my feet while passing the trees, up and down, really enjoying the day.

A while back, my friend Brad said the reason he liked ultrarunning was "because you get the highest of highs and lowest of lows." I truly felt that; I had insanely high runner's high, and completely bottomed out at other points. Ultrarunning is SO intense.

I was feeling hopeful about the race as I plugged along, and at mile 41, I ended up going the wrong way around a switchback, and running back in the direction I came. (Where to go after the switchback was not marked well and I went in a circle before going back on the same trail - I was not aware of it.) When a fellow runner informed me of this, I told him it was impossible, then sat on the ground about to cry. I got up and was really angry and he kept laughing.

"Don't laugh, it's not funny!"

"I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you."

"I'm not laughing at all! I'm crying!"

"What do you need? Food? Water? Have you been eating and drinking enough?"

This is what I love about ultrarunning; I bite someone's head off and they offer to help. Later, I thoroughly apologized but part of why I was so desperate to get to the aid station was that I inadvertently didn't take all of my endurolytes and was severely electrolyte-deficient (and felt it). When Leo heard of my predicament, he immediately gave me three from his stash, which helped perk me up. We ran together the next five miles or so, and he really helped me. Not only that, but he was fascinating; we talked about Beat writers, fiction writers, love, life, philosophy, and more. He was a really amazing individual.

I started crashing a bit, and let Leo go ahead of me. To sustain myself, I ate more peanut M&Ms and pretzels, and sang Madonna songs in my head.

From mile 47-49.7 (or something like that), it's all insanely downhill. Insanely. I pushed it hard, and was pleased (though my quads are still hating me).

I finished with a huge smile on my face, but almost about to cry. I knew how hard I had persevered, struggled -- with shoelaces untying and portapotties and getting lost and not enough electrolytes and falling straight on my butt -- but I still did it. Sustained by strawberry banana gu, pretzels and peanut M&Ms, I pushed myself - and felt rewarded. (I also rewarded myself later with an amazing meal at nearby Moosewood Restaurant!)

Next up is the Dick Collins 50 Miler! I can't wait!

"Learned to Surf" - Superchunk

If I seem out of it
I've just gone to find you, Ill be back in a bit
Circles close up but circles are wide
We'll be wearing wigs and costumes, won't need any hole to hide

When I learned to walk, you know humans roamed the earth
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped sinking and learned to surf
When I learned to talk, I found words that weren't worth dirt
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped swimming and learned to surf

If I drift out in channels way too deep
Its cause I can't stand the shifting sand and shells under our feet
Put your suitcase down, and leave your shoes
Gently by the door, in a puddle with your blues

When I learned to walk, you know humans roamed the earth
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped sinking and learned to surf
When I learned to talk, I found words that weren't worth dirt
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped swimming and learned to surf

When I learned to walk you know humans roamed the earth
I can't hold my breath anymore, I stopped swimming and learned to surf
When I learned to talk, I found words that weren't worth dirt
Heavy like the rocks we carry, I stopped sinking and learned to surf

I stopped swimming and learned to surf
Stopped swimming, learned to surf
I learned to surf
I learned to surf.

my love affair with healthy toes

It has been said before that runners talk about three things: running, food, and poop. I think we can also add "our ugly feet" into that as well.

I used to have beautiful feet (I've been told!), but with the obsession of ultrarunning in my life, my feet are far from the lovely petals they once were. I've lost toenails, had blisters, and even was starting to form bunions.

Enter Healthy Toes. These fabulous toe stretchers work to stretch your toes and straighten them. I've only been using them about two weeks, but already, I feel stronger in my toes, they look straighter, the bump seems smaller, and yes, they look LESS UGLY! I wouldn't say they're beautiful, but they are looking better!

Thank you to my beautiful friends

I have been going through some pretty intense changes lately, and as I prepare to paint my walls, paint my heart, paint my career, I am glad there are so many wise individuals that listen to me and hold me when I crumple and fall.

Special thanks to Nelson for reminding me:


There is a whole world out there... It is available for everyone!

beautiful video of reasons of why i went to burning man

greener grass

my mother and her friends have taken to romanticizing my life. "we wish we did what you did...graduate school, live on our own in the city, travel, go out, do whatever we pleased." it's really not that great - but i still think it's the best option for me.

i don't always want to be like this. sometimes, i hate struggling, living in nyc on a nonprofit salary, not having the means to save up for a house, in relationship turmoil...i think of my little sister, who had her long island fairytale wedding and is living in a house with her two cats and her doctor husband and feel a twinge of jealousy of how stable and easy and how american dream her life must be...but things aren't always as they appear, especially below the surface.

coming back from burning man, a week of absolute freedom ("can you believe it? no one knows freedom. all those people in russia and london and all across the states and everywhere in the entire world - none of them knows freedom," said a guy from santa rosa to me whose camp i stopped by at burning man.), of being able to be who i completely am without any restrictions - i suddenly am in my smushed apt, trying to figure out what's next. i'm thinking clearing some of the crap out of my apartment, out of my life, repainting, maybe some races...but is all of that immediate and should i be thinking more of my future? but i don't know what my future is, what it holds. i could fall in love with a stranger on the subway tomorrow. i could discover deep sea diving. i could learn how to fly on fairy wings. literally, in nyc, anything can happen. i love running through the streets, seeing the fashion, the diversity of people, of lifestyles, of being.

i'm enjoying all of this. i'm enjoying my not-so-stable life. there are more tears than i'd like, and more confusion and struggle, but i'll take these as learning lessons. what doesn't kill me makes me stronger. i have to start figuring out next steps, where i'm going. will i stay in nyc? does my job really want to support my growth? should i travel soon, and most importantly, where? is a RTW in my future? all these things are quite murky and cloudy, but i have confidence that i'll figure them out, even if it's in a fumbling manner. i know eventually, probably at the last minute, i'll have the answers, but i think that's what life is all about: finding the answers, living in search of those answers.

side effect of burning man

you'll lose weight. i lost 5 pounds this year (and i'm pretty thin to begin with) by having zero appetite, biking hours each day in difficult conditions across the playa, running, dancing, eating snow cones, having a blast. i ate whenever food was offered or something looked appealing, and hydrated well (including mojitos).

Generation A

Generation A by Douglas Coupland


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
A+ Another stellar work of Coupland's. Although it's not out in the U.S. for another two months, I paid $40 for a copy to be shipped to me from Canada - and SO worth it. A brilliant story full of shorter stories and poignant one-liners. Reminds me of Generation X in a way (the story-telling element). The time is sometime in the near-future, and bees don't exist anymore...but suddenly, five people in five different countries are all stung by bees. This is their story as they create stories, try to make sense of their situation, and the world. I am going to immediately read it again.

View all my reviews >>

burning man 2009 full recap

so burning man was amazing. it blew me away. there was a lot of time spent thinking, meditating, coming to realizations about my life. i loved being cut off from phone and email without the stress of work, family, cleaning cat vomit, whatever. sure, i had time to play and drink and dance, but i also got the taste of ultimate, absolute freedom...the kind where you stretch your arms out with an amazingly huge smile, knowing that you can do whatever it is you want...

everyone has been asking me how it was. in a word: AMAZING. ASTONISHING. BRILLIANT. EVERYTHING I WANTED AND MORE. there were so lows, but mostly highs, and i can't even begin to tell you how much it changed my life.

here's a very, very high-level overview of just some of the things i did:

• rode on pegs of some boy's bmx bike (have never done that before)
• started liking tequila (in margaritas and also in the "jet fuel" served at one of my fave dancing and hooping spots, PleasAir)
• spanky's wine bar
• looked at the stars and planets with a boy with this powerful astronomy pen
• chilled with old and new friends
• lots and lots of hula hooping
• lots and lots of trampoline jumping
• diy workshop
• did a labyrinth of lights
• got counseling by two guys tripping on acid on relationship issues
• ran the perimeter
• ran the black rock city 5k (and placed second!)
• let strangers take care of me
• took care of strangers
• female workshop
• sangria slut social
• librarian cocktail party
• playa art
• playa dust & duststorms
• art cars
• rode an incredibly steep enormous slide
• got massage, gave massages
• connected with friends
• naughty colouring
• more trampolines
• dementha, mojitos, dancing, mint
• buddha bunny
• pink mammoth
• wrote in temple
• kostume kult's kostume dome
• watermelon (so tasty in the hot dessert)
• rock bottom
• biked lots
• had bike pedals fall off, bike troubles
• had strangers help me fix my bike
• biked around/wandered around in duststorm
• pickle martinis
• madonnathon
• bad advice, lots of it
• hot pink fake fur bikini w/ matching legwarmers
• fall in love each and every moment
• temple burn
• packing, unpacking, traffic
• nothing is awful, everything is wonderful, burning man makes life amazing