26 February 2006

happy tibetan new year

today for the tibetan new year, i went with richard to his dharma center. it was a bit of a flashback to my naropa times: the second i smelled the incense, saw the hangings, greeted the lamas, i felt at home. we sat and did a lot of chanting in tibetan--which was hard as the pace was fast and the syllables unfamiliar. however, i felt amazing chanting it, i felt calm, i felt at home.

i realize this should be a time when i need to make changes: i have an interview on wednesday i have high hopes for, and i think i may have just broken up with t. it has been going nowhere for a year and a half now, and he doesn't care, and i'm sick of putting all the effort into it, and i feel lost and empty and i'm hoping it isn't over, but i told him we shouldn't talk for a few days. so now i'm scared, but i know he isn't dedicated to me anyway.

my new year's resolution for the tibetan new year is to boldly create my life as i want it to be. the first step is living for myself, living in the now. i haven't cried yet, but i suppose the reality of living my life for myself hasn't hit me yet.

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