27 February 2006

how do we break up in 2006?

my breakups in the past have been a bit hazy at times--one of my exes stopped returning my calls, another made me listen to the smiths as we cried driving home, another told my best friend we broke up, i told one i was too busy to date anyone...in other words, it's hard to say, "i don't want to be with you--it's over." however, breaking up is harder than ever these days.

three of my close friends and i have been talking about our messed up relationships for years--about trying to break up with our partners, about how we try to break up but can't, continue in our relationships that are similiar to "treading water." two of them are broken up (in one of them, he made the call), and j even moved out--though they were still doing the whole sleeping together thing--which i think is what makes it all muddled. however, after four months, she finally cut him out of her life in all ways, and i'm proud of her. another one of my friends is living with her ex (this is new york city and moving out is a long expensive process, especially when you can't afford your rent without your significant other or a significant another) and another one of my friends is living with her ex but has a plan to move out in three months.

and me, finally, after forever and threats and crying jags and a basically crazy relationship, especially the past year and a half, well, i think i broke up with t--but i'm not sure. i told v today, "the only way things will work out with t is if he proves to me that he really wants to be with me by looking for a job here and by making more of an effort in our relationship"--which he hasn't put any effort into it for ages. he doesn't love me as much as i love him. and i give the fuck up.

all i have been thinking lately is: they say absence makes the heart grow fonder but neglect leads to decay.

so last night we ended it on the fact that we were taking space for a few days, and he'll come down here in a few weeks and talk about it more. but i feel this strange numbness--like if i think about it, really think about it, i start to get really upset and scared and maybe cry--but otherwise, i'm realizing, it's pretty much time this happened. our relationship has not grown in years. like i could not stay in boulder without sacrificing the growth and development of myself, i cannot stay in this relationship.

so how do we break up in 2006? you complain to your friends, fight, have "discussions," try, cry and say, "no, i love you, i can't end it," try again, try harder, fight, get depressed because you realize it is going nowhere, say you ended it, hang out with them, maybe sleep with them, look at other people and think, "i don't have a boyfriend but i have a situation," slowly drift apart, and one day, maybe i'll realize i'm truly free from t.

and that makes me sad and i'm still hoping my "situation" will turn around and we will be together. till then, i'm listening to my sad playlist on itunes.

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