22 January 2011

The Only Thing I Can Think Of...

I was alone today, sad. After getting to Panajachel and checking into my hotel, I headed out to Reserva Natural Atitlan and hiked alone. I got to an observation point and ended up sitting there, thinking, not seeing anything at first.

I began crying, feeling this heaviness in my heart. Yes, I'm in Guatemala, it's awesome, I'm in this incredibly beautiful place...but it doesn't mean anything, not when my heart is broken. So I'm sitting in the observation deck, crying my heart out, when I suddenly notice...a monkey. And then another. And another. They're playing, they're hanging, they're stretching. They were so cute. I stopped crying and began watching them. I took some photos. I smiled.

And then I remembered again, yes, my heart is still broken. And I began crying again. And suddenly, something jumped on the deck...these weird little animals, reminding me of coatis, but someone called them raccoons. I stepped back and took some photos.

And then I hiked more. And more. I took a Spanish class, which I had to stop so I could cry. And I am in an amazing place and I couldn't do any shopping, any exploring because all I cared about was Skyping with my mom and Rachelle, who calmed me down. I stopped crying and walked out to book a shuttle to Chichi for tomorrow.

I pulled my sunglasses on so you couldn't see the smeared mascara, red eyes. You could see the red nose. People smiled at me, I got lots of "Holas" from the naccionales who like a blonde girl, always. A guy from El Salvador chatted me up and checked into my hotel.

And I knew what I needed to do. I took my favourite medicine - a run. It was beautiful. I hit up the hills. I pushed up them strong. There were lots of "Holas," lots of "Buenos Tardes," lots of smiles. I was the only gringa running - but there were other naccionales, which makes Guatemala pretty rad.

I read. I ate. I wandered, but mostly, I'm keeping to myself. No one else can heal me but me, and I need to be patient. It hurts right now, so bad, and I'm still hanging on to that hope, which maybe I shouldn't do...but I need to figure out how to heal myself - no one else can do that for me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Im sorry to hear you are so sad. I havent read this in months and apologize if it offends you that i occasionally check in to see how you are doing. Ive been overcome with a wave of intense sadness and emotion the past few days, which actually began the day you posted this, as if i could sense it.
I thought i was doing okay but things are much more dificult than i ever imagined. I hope you find happiness, and i hope things work out in your relationships. Be strong. If you need a friend im always here, please dont hesitate to call on me. I think and dream of you often. Your love and friendship were the greatest gift ive ever received and im sorry i didnt realize that until it was too late. I miss you. I still hope to hear your voice again someday, please forgive me. Shine on.