We got to Managua late, which little intentions other than sleeping and saying goodbye. It was a sad but wonderful night. The hotel felt very American, despite the nasty Nicaraguan at the front desk. We had air conditioning! We had hot water! We had lots of pillows, sheets, blankets, and no bugs! It felt very weird. After a bit in the room, we headed to dinner, which felt American, though B. did have steak Nica-style, which meant with rice, sauces, platanos (which he lovingly gave to me), beans, chips. I had pasta primavera, which I am pretty sure I could have found at any chain hotel restaurant in the U.S. After, we went to our room, to share more goodbyes.
The goodbye had more meaning than it normally would have, and I was in tears. To feel a love this strong, to have experienced such a wonderful, amazing thing, to enjoy someone so much, to feel such a ferocity inside me…this is something so rare and I feel so lucky to have felt it. We felt asleep intertwined in each others’ arms, kissing each other even in our sleep, turning over to wake up and tell the other we loved them. Sleeping with B is a most amazing experience, like nothing I have ever felt before.
I woke up, happy because I was in my love’s arms, sad because I knew what today would bring. We quickly readied and left (B had a 7a.m. flight back to the States), and I cried much of the time in the airport. I am typing this now from the airport, and feel this loss, this pain, this sadness like never before. It’s like when someone makes you feel so incredibly and amazingly complete…that’s all I want. It’s weird. I have been in love before, but with B, it’s different. I forget to eat. I forget how tired I am sometimes (though this trip, B will tell you I did sleep a fair bit), and have stayed awake beyond my normal capabilities. I don’t care about anything, just about being in his arms. This, of course, can be a dangerous thing, but a very wonderful thing as well. I had a lump in my throat like never before. Things will be different when we both are reunited. I know I’m en route to an amazing place right now, but this totally kills me – all I want is to be in his arms, even if I were in snowy NY/PA instead of interesting hot Guatemala.
Love. It’s something you can never predict. It’s something that doesn’t make sense. It takes control over you in ways you don’t think ordinarily. Sometimes, you can’t make it work – and that sucks. Love’s just not enough sometimes, you need more.
I love B more than anything. This flight to Guatemala – it’s time for me to cry, to miss him. I’ll keep on missing him. Although I’m going to be doing amazing things, going to amazing places – Xela, Lake Atitlan, Tikal, Antigua – at the same time, I really just want to be with him.
As I sit in this First Class plane seat (not sure how this happened, but I’ll enjoy it), I am not thinking of the crazy day’s journey ahead (How will I find a bus to Xela? Is it possible? Will my flights connect smoothly? What’s next? Will my journeys be okay?), I’m mostly thinking of B., with his cute glasses, his sore lips, how he holds me, and mostly, how I’ll miss him so much.