too much sadness

a girl was killed by her father in her school http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/29/nyregion/29girl.html?oref=login

there is too much sadness in the world, too much violence. it is overwhelming.

i had two terrible dreams: one was about a tsunami that hit and i was in a dentist's office, so i was okay; the other was abt trev, horrible, and when i woke up i reached for him but he wasn't there

sometimes i feel like i need to take some more distance from sadness.

time to leave the comforts of my home, go back out into the snowy depressing brooklyn cold, to do errands, and try to feel calm.

sadness

a just am having a period attack and had to run out to get some chocolate (it's not good chocolate, i'm afraid; 3muskateers) and i'm sad.

this woman who goes to my yoga studio was murdered: http://nytimes.com/2005/01/28/nyregion/28murder.html

she lives a block over from me. i am going to send some good energy to her tonight. you should too. no one should have to die at the hands of someone else like that.

even luna looks sad.

my dream last night

i had a bizarre dream last night. i was marrying this beautiful girl, yet i barely knew her. it was our wedding day, and i was questioning if it was okay (yep, I'm horrid with decisions). i remember her clearly: brown hair, curled and styled professionally, a beautiful lavender dress
with a huge skirt (poufy, like in the old times), and i was just wearing a long white dress (maybe it was even my slip) and i went to see her and she was telling me she loved me. i was barely ready, and it was this crazy twisted beautiful wonderful dream.


DREAM INTERPRETATION: our country needs to legalize same sex
marriage.

My body, my choice

No woman can call herself free who does not own and control her own
body. No woman can call herself free until she can choose
consciously whether she will or will not be a mother.

--Margaret Sanger

inara george

i am so obsessed with inara george's new album. she has the most
beautiful voice, she takes me away.

PRO-CHOICE--we will not back down!

i'm reading "the war on choice" by gloria feldt, president of
planned parenthood. this book is written very well, with statistics,
details, and quotes. the pov of the right is crazy...apparently
g.h.bush was prochoice and pro-birth control and when he was asked
to join reagan as his running mate, he had to give up his anti-
choice politics, and he never went back. and barb (senior) and laura
are both pro-choice (although laura supposedly won't talk abt it
anymore), as are condi and powell--then why is dubya so powerful?

so do what you can.

here are some easy things you can do to help keep choice safe.
1. join pro-choice email newsletters so you can keep tabs on how
politicans are trying to control our bodies. www.naral.org
www.plannedparenthood.org www.feminist.org among other sites offer
easy
2. read "the war on choice" by gloria feldt.
3. speak up. show that how you feel, and don't let anti-choicers put you down!
4. volunteer and/or give $$$ to pro-choice organizations.
5. become a judge and attempt to get on the supreme court.
6. become a lawyer and defend women's reproductive freedoms.
7. attend rallies, protests, fundraisers, etc in the name of choice!

reason #458 why i probably won't work in a corporate library again

eye burn. my eyes were stinging when i went to bed last night. i put on these "cucumber slices" that trev got me a while ago--i think they're made by ponds, and they're for your eyes. it cooled them down.

because i am constantly staring at the computer while researching (and emailing my friends!), it hurts my eyes. i am worried abt fucking up my eyesight. most corporate libraries use the computer for the majority, if not ALL, of their research. at public and academic libraries, you use the computer, but you are also creating displays, talking with patrons, showing patrons how to do research, talking on the phone with vendors, etc.

i want my choice, and that is no children

if you don't trust me with a choice,
how can you trust me with a child?

it's pro-choice, or no choice!
abortion is a right!
we must stand united,
and fight, fight, FIGHT!



i've mentioned this earlier--i never want to have kids. i see them on the train, and i get disgusted and annoyed. very few children i believe to be cute (my coworker's being one of them) and i can't make myself like them.

t also doesn't want kids. a while ago, t said to me, "you know, if you said you had to have children, i couldn't be with you." we decided if we child-hungry, we'll wait a year before rushing into lots of unprotected sex.

right now i'm being responsible. i would have an abortion if i got pregnant tonight--absolutely no second thoughts. but what if i didn't have that right? i am lucky enough to have parents who would lend me money to get an abortion--i believe my mother did--if i had to fly to sweden or wherever. ooh sweden, vacation.

back to my choice. if (I HOPE THIS NEVER HAPPENS) my choice is taken away, i will leave this country. i don't want to live in a country where i don't have control over my body. fuck that. i refuse to stay here. i'm a responsible person, i'm not religious, i don't want babies. i don't care if i have to live in australia, i will not live here till women are free.


why oh why
should the men make the choice
what i do with my body,
what i say with my voice?

who oh who
does bush think that he is
putting laws on my body
with those buddies of his?

bushie, bushie, darling dear,
here's something for YOU to hear!
we choose when to procreate,
'cause church and state don't ovulate!

3people who have changed my life, who probably wont be reading this

you know there are people who are no longer in your life, haven't been around for a few years, or maybe never were even truly present in your life, but now that you think about it, you wouldn't be you without them? there's probably a lot of people, but i wanted to write abt these three.

DOUGLAS COUPLAND
i discovered generation x in high school, and read and reread all of his titles. i own copies of every title of his, several titles in multiple copies. i buy his books in hardcover, the day they come out.

i saw him read last night. his reading prescence--nothing like anne waldman's, but he was funny, personable, interesting. he read from his new book that he is currently working on, titled j-pod (a sequel to microserfs!!!). he spoke about being loney, he had the startings of a beard, and i love him, even if he never responded to my request for an interview in my zine in high school.

if you don't know about him, check him out at http://www.coupland.com/


SHELIA BURGEL
Shelia was creator of the popular zine, Plume. i received it in the mail, and discovered the world of bikini kill, saint etienne, bratmobile, riot grrrl, heavenly, and so many wonderful bands that i still enjoy today. whenever getting zines from shelia, i wrote her letters about the high school pain--and she wrote me kind ones back. her zine helped me find my place in the world--and discovered so many amazing kinds of music.

if you don't know about her, check out shelia's new project at http://www.chachacharming.com/


JENNY
Jenny and I were friends for years. Exchanging boyfriends and lipstick and underwear, in college we ran together, dyed our hair together, found adventures in clubs and streets and dorm room showers and cabs. It always seems like we were so real together. She taught me I was beautiful, helped me foster my self-esteem that was damaged when I was younger, opened me up to new worlds, constantly running into adventure and fear. She tried to steal my cat, so we aren't friends, and besides, I don't know how to get in contact with her.

I miss her.

what i fear most

i went to hear douglas coupland read and speak tonight, and he spoke of loneliness. i began to think of my life on the train ride home and began panicking: where will i, the being inside me, what is putting these notes on this webpage and calling my kitty "fatty boom batty" and how i look into the mirror with my eyes, my soul, when i'm really paying attention, not just to see if i need to pluck my eyebrows. where do i go? what happens? i'm SO afraid of this topic, of the very idea of it...so afraid. like, i am 25 years old, have never left north america, have a love who chose a job over me, a cat concerned abt being fed, i lost my best friend, my family is psychotic (as are all), i have clothes, running sneakers up the wazoo, books, books, stories, poems, unfinished stories, journaling, and what else? what else?

i am not into organized religion but if i had to pick a religion it would definitely be buddhist. i am not into stringent rules. i went to naropa and gained some good out of buddhism, though there was a cult-like snobbery: "oh you would NEVER understand, you're not buddhist." i want to visit plum village and see thich nhat hanh when i am there. i want to hear and travel and be and share and love.

how i ran today

it was 18 this morning--ahhhh, florida-like. i pulled on lots of clothes (i was actually hot!) and my new yak trax.

i can't explain it well enough, but check here: http://www.yaktrax.com/main.php3?primNavIndex=2&

it allowed me to run fast and easily--the snow piled up at corners was hard, but i could run on snow or ice without a problem!

yay!

here's a photo of me with a friend at the prochoice rally in nyc last august. i'm the one in the brooklyn shirt. it was SO hot that day.

commuting sucks

i think the lowest point of my commute (besides the delays, the crowds, the random stopping for 10 minutes without even telling us what is going on, besides the singal problems, besides taking two trains where i should be taking one, besides the waits) was when i noticed the man across from me.

i don't know what clothes he wore, but he had on one of those full-faced ski masks--a nice one--where you can't see any skin, and there's only a hole for the eyes. but i couldn't see his eyes, he was wearing dark sunglasses. he really freaked me out when he began tugging down the ski mask to hide his neck, and constantly cracking his knuckles.

i moved down into another seat, and sat next to a pratt student charcoaling.

luna isn't sure what to do with the snow. it's wet, oh no. she shook herself like a dog, but here, she's just laying, glaring. meow! 

luna was not really that happy. i put her in the bathtub, with some snow from outside my house. she was probably just hungry; that's why she's licking her lips. 

this is little nanook, as a reindeer. (he, like luna, did not enjoy the task.) so cute. i miss little nanook.  

blizzard: a ramble

t was supposed to spend the weekend here, but he had to work monday and was worried about not being able to get back. OF COURSE we have a blizzard on the weekend so i'm homebound. i actually rented a dvd and got tons of food so i can cook and clean my apt all weekend. and my neck still hurts and ibuprofin is NOT helping.

but seriously, have you ever noticed every time it snows a lot it's on a weekend? my job would probably be closed today, or we'd leave early. this is INSANE.

i have to finish cleaning my apartment, make some lunch, shower, make tonks a bday gift, finish v's package...i guess it's good there's a blizzard so i can do stuff around mi casa. although i really wanted to go to the museum of sex today.

luna is glaring at me. i think she wants some of the treats she got for xmas--the ones from rachelle or pat. she hates the ones i got her. she's smart--they're low fat.

Twenty two hours of dissent

730pm: after working all day, rushing home to shower and eat and change, i am on the chinatown bus to dc. emily and i squish into the bus, "lucky" to get seats. the seats are smaller than a greyhound's, with narrower seats, less leg room and way more smells. our bus makes random stops in the middle of nowhere, and i feel as if i will never get there. its only benefit is its cheapness.
other activists are on the bus. sitting in front of us are two from queer fist, and one australian guy. the queer fist people give us their flyer. this is my fave line "we refuse to congratulate corporations that engage in abusive labor policies simply because they have a non discriminatory policy towards LGBT workers." i hate disney for their sweatshop labor practices, even though they give benefits to same sex partners. one right cannot erase all of the wrongs.

1am: finally get in dc, an hour late. take the metro 3 stops to jinxy's. sleep on the floor. with emily. people are talking, about politics and clothes, and writing cheers. i fall asleep around 2ish. there are probably around 15 people sleeping in jinxy's one bedroom apartment.

830am: i wake up after jinxy begins playing michael jackson. my neck hurts from sleeping in this awkward position. i can't even brush my hair. we eat breakfast and head to dupont circle, two blocks away. just before we go to dupont circle, after i tell a cheerleader i'm part of radical reference, she wants to know how much public $$$ the inauguration cost. i call lia, who is doing home support, who finds some information. i give her a flyer, and tell her to contact us for a more in-depth answer.

10am: a ton of people in dupont circle. the raging grannies are singing folky-type songs with political topics. running for change is running with their run against bush tshirts and running clothes. code pink is running all over the place. we cheer share and chill with squads from richmond, dc, harrisonburg, buffalo, fla.

we learn we can't go to the inauguration parade site: bags must be under a specific size, and emily's backpack will not fit that criteria.

noonish: the march begins. we are towards the back, cheering and meeting people. i hand out flyers for radical reference.

at some point, we leave the march and head for the anarchist bloc. my neck is hurting so much i can't look up. i see jenna from rad reference. we cheer and then the march leaves.

after a bit, we are not moving. what i am told is that police blockaded the road; sugar, who was arrested during the rnc after the cops blockaded people in, wanted to leave. after discussion, we walked around the block, and went into cvs. "i feel like something bad is going to happen," everyone kept saying. i think we should leave cvs, and when tonks and i start to leave, there are suddenly HUNDREDS of people running up the block. it's madness. i'm lucky to get into cvs, lest i be trampled or whatever. the manager wouldn't let activists in, but republicans were being let in. my friends were harassed to buy something.

i was about to buy ibuprofin when a medic cleaning her face off with a bandana gave me some. she said a fight broke out between the cops and the demonstrators. later, i heard the cops were randomly hitting and beating people with their sticks. the cops peppersprayed the crowd.

later, tonks finds out the friend she drove up with from fla has been arrested. he didn't do anything, but was at the front of the crowd, with those fighting the cops.

we end up having out on E st. people don't want to get involved in the march, they're too paranoid. we cheer for the activists, all our antibush and antirepublican cheers, and the republicans that are lining up to watch the parade. i've never seen so many fur coats in my life. disgusting. we cheer:

fur! don't buy it!
it's gross, don't deny it!
it's ugly! it stinks! i think your coat just blinked! ewww!

and

i love fur! i'm gonna wear my kitty!
what's that? does that sound shitty?
well there's a dead animal on your back,
and that's a gross environmental attack!

we get in fights with republicans. during "masturbate don't detonate" and "my bush is better" i am told "how classy" i am. i'm not trying to be classy when i'm grabbing myself. during "riot don't diet" (a song about loving yourself for what you look like and not dieting) someone tells us "stop whining, he's IN for another four years." cowboy hats and fur coats, my friends and i feel sick. i beg to leave, go elsewhere. a new cheer bloc forms and activists and cheerleaders march spontaneously. we march with them to chinatown. my friends want to leave the march, so we go to the queer fist gathering at dupont circle.

245pm: at dupont circle, there's a lot of activists hanging out and a queer fashion show is about to begin. there's chanting going on, especially when a republican passes.

315pm: we are famished, so we eat lunch. when we come out nothing is going on, so we go back to chinatown. we chant, feel disgusted at how many fur coats there are. i think about we never even joined the answer protests, all the other organized groups, how we are just a bunch of anarchists wreacking havoc. and does it really solve anything? no but we're getting out there, showing how we disapprove. i don't agree with violence--but then our president is causing violence. i think i understand both sides of the argument.

530pm: back on the bus, thinking of the day. my bag weighs the same--flyers given away, flyers received. the bus is bigger, and it takes longer to get back, even with the bus driver from hell who prohibits "eating, drinking, smoking, and going number two." most of the people on the bus demonstrated at the inauguration today against bus, and everyone seems to be talking on their phones, telling everyone they didn't get arrested. i think of the pepper spray, the arrests, the batons, and the people running up the hill--the chaos. so scary. yet i know even with all these risk, i'll be at the next protest.

i've been under a rock

flashback to high school:
a party is in progress, in my basement. kurt cobain has been discovered dead hours earlier. we were drinking koolaid (hey, i was straightedge) and talking. d.m.k. comes down the stairs:
"OMIGOD, everyone, have you heard--kurt cobain killed himself!!!!"
a girl who didn't like her: "no i live under a rock."

i want to hide lately. sad things happening everywhere. "are you excited abt the inauguration?" no, i'm really depressed. another four miserable years. hiding in my pastel apartment. telephone calls. is this okay? stomach messed up. adventure books. wishing for your arms, your voice. books about women being burned (burned alive, by souad)--how could this happen? my body my choice.

i like my rock.

ignoring the new york times, the political blogs, all that sort of stuff. these stories spouting from my friends' mouths, hiding in my piles of blankets. waiting for something. until then, hiding.

i love my rock.

cat sitting

if anyone wants to cat sit my baby luna when i'm away this summer (june-august/possibly early sept), please let me know. you can't keep her!!! she is a beautiful sweet tabby cat who loves her cat dancer and likes to eat, sleep, and look cute. since i will be giving up my apt, she will stay with you. no strangers, please.

the love of my life (on halloween: his name tag reads "mr. president" b/c he believes every president has been a monster) 

racing

i ran a 5 mile race today. it was somewhat hard. the first mile had a pretty annoying hill going up it, but i picked up the pace. it was so cold my hands and feet were numb beforehand, and during the first mile.

before the race, two old men (in their sixties, maybe older) made conversation with me. i must attract that. although i was never the roommate dating old men...hahah jk!

after the race i drank the best hot cocoa (the road runners must add goo to their cocoa!) and walked home. drained. but feeling amazing. i love running. it is like nothing else.

when you leave the house for the first time of the day and it's 5pm

j, l, and p ended up staying at my apt till 4 am--the girls talking, while p was snoring on my hardwood floor (tequilla). we were high on conversation and each other--that's all. went to bed almost immediately after they left, writing in my journal first...and woke up this am, confused. i dont sleep late normally--and it's wonderful to! spent the morning in bed, took a long bath, then read some more in bed, sent emails, looked through recipes (tomato and white bean stew, banana raisin muffins, and carrot zucchini bread yum!).

i finally left my house after 5 to get "provisions" or "supplies." i needed things to cook my creations with. on the street--wow. bright lights, cars with their intense colors and the smells--saw smoke leaving a man's mouth, the way it danced and trickle in the air around us. "wow." screaming children, loud cell phone conversations, yapping rotwaeilers dragging 10 year old owners across manhattan avenue. acid washed jeans with tight tight shirts, fedoras, trying to look so 80s--or hip. handme down pants and old sneakers and a huge down coat marked me as "whatever." i like staying home, i like sitting around in my underwear, cuddling, drinking vanilla creme tea. ahhh.

in the grocery store, lines all the way to the cereal aisle, the jostle for the freshes tomatoes--of which there are few. i search for string beans, zucchini, avocados, sun dried tomatoes. i examine some love over by the lemons, and find a perfect starfruit.

a hipster boy stares at me, intensely, hair flopping around and eyes going through me. i add eggs to my basket, essential for making the breads and muffins i plan on creating. scratch.

arms ache in the checkout line when i realize i've forgotten broccoli. tevs, i'll just use frozen. i can deal, right?

my frozen is full of a variety of veggie burgers named after places, types, ready to be inserted into a hot george foreman grill, grilled and placed on bread with cheese, pickles, ketchup.

home again. luna has moved from her place on the bed (which she barely left since 4am!). curled up in the corner on her mat, i want to curl up with her, stroke her beautiful fur, tell her how much i love her.

all i could get back is "meow" but i doubt even that will happen.

she's not the meowing type.

the pacific ocean, outside of san francisco. i will move one day to california to be a librarian and ride my bike everywhere, and if i am still with t, t will probably be playing in this very water! 

cranky kitty 

rip nanook

my mom just told me that last night
nanook died.

i'd like to breathe, please

in yoga the other night, it occured to me how filthy the air in nyc is (esp my area of gpt). yoga helps me breathe better than anything else (well i suppose the four inhalers and one oral supplement help me) but nyc is really dirty! sometimes when i'm breathing i'm very conscious of how hard it is to get clean air.

t is always nagging me, "you should move out of your apartment" (b/c of the traffic which causes pollution which causes asthma attacks) and "how long are you gonna live in nyc?" well, i def don't want to be one of those little old ladies taking the bus with their walkers and wearing pink feathered hats and suffering the stresses and pushing people out of the way. i want to stay here when i'm young--write and be in creative circles and have all my friends and a good social life and all that good stuff. i mean, here i might go to three or four different events in one night--on weekend days i might be in way more places. but when i lived in CO, there was one party and everyone was there. so i like my social life. i like access to the world's finest art museums, to any kind of food i could possibly want, to clothes, to people, to accessories, to EVERYTHING in full spectrum.

i'd miss that.

but lately the pollution has been annoying me. after i come back from europe, i'll move down by prospect park, where i can run around less cars. yeah i know there's pollution in europe, but hopefully when i'm exploring the rural areas of europe, i'll be able to breathe.

tsunamis shouldnt be political

js sent me photos yesterday of the tsunami--there were over a hundred. i flipped through the first 15, but kept getting photos of powell, jerk bush, and all these other american political morons. like, is this natural disaster about american politics? why aren't we seeing as many photos of sri lankan, indian, etc leaders? (maybe there were but not the first 15 pics)

the cover of one of the trashy ny papers had something on it like "we're giving this $$$ to the tsunami victims to show that americans have nothing against muslims." wtf? that is racist in itself. like, "i'm going to be nice to you even though i don't have to." what about charity, helping those who are down?

this country disgusts me daily. i am embarassed to live here.

these are not my leaders.

send out good energy for nanook

nanook, my little brother, a.k.a. my parents' ferret, is sick. ferrets have a lot of health problems (duncan died two years ago, the sweet little ferret, my mom's baby) but they are such playful fun creatures. my mom has been doing internet research and asking people on her ferret listservs, but the dopey male ferret of my parents is sick. nanook was always the craziest one, but he has been sick since the summer, and he can't keep his weight on. at first they thought it was an ulcer, possibly cancer now. i am sad because even though nanook has never been my favorite (sorry! neesa is my little favorite!) i have always loved nanook (my dad's fave). poor little ferret!

caramel and neesa are doing fine. neesa senses his pain, i think, because she is always cuddling with him, keeping him warm.

please send out whatever good energy you possibly have to make sure that nanook gets better, or is out of pain.

but in yoga....

please, if you are ever late for Yoga class, and you see the class has already begun (students are meditating, teachers are talking, etc), esp if curtains have been drawn, blinds have been shut, etc--PLEASE don't enter. it is SO disturbing to the others!

i love yoga

i've really been getting back into Yoga. it feels wonderful. i tried the power yoga video thing, and that didnt work. i did the videos like twice. i should do them more, probably when it's icy out and i'm afraid to go running.

but i love the spiritual aspect of yoga---that's why i do it. i love the way i feel now--cleansed, yet disrupted. i feel pure. i feel free. i feel ready to eat sprouts and live on a farm.

i love learning things. i love how a simple phrase my teacher will utter will truly change the way i look at things. i had teachers before, when i lived in boulder, who were good--and when i was younger, i love lillian. but lately i have been clicking with my teachers--and it is making all the difference.

"live every day as if it is your last" is the practice summer, my yoga teacher, has instilled in us. i am feeling it; tell the people you love how you feel; be kind to strangers; be kinder to your friends; be kind to yourself; do what you love; stop procrastinating; however, do relax. i am feeling wonderful. whenever i stray i need to reread this post.

summer also advised us to enjoy arrivals and departures, to smile through pain and sadness and anger. and it is working. i am trying to enjoy the space i have in my relationship, happy that my love is happy. and i am happy.

happy new years!

a time for resolutions and for starting fresh. my new year began with a 4 mile run in central park (with hot cocoa before and after and both water AND champagne at mile 2!!!), then a party and then drinks at a local bar. i love the word local.

my resolutions for 2005 are (sober resolutions):

1. write more
2. run more
3. travel, def.
4. save $
5. practice yoga
6. practice patience

see, they're not that different. and oh yeah, def making sure trans fat isn't in anything in my cupboard.

tsunami

if this tsunami hit LA or London or NYC or some big coastal city, well, the world would end. but honestly, there's not much talk of this tsunami amongst people (that i've overheard). the articles...they're slanted, how "the americans are saving people" (what abt the local medics, etc? they're working hard too!) and as i work in a financial services library, the mags we get focus on how much $$$ this tsunami is costing to insurers...The Economist says (p. 17, Jan 1-17, 2005) "Their bill, however, is likely to be far lower than the one that followed the hurricanes in Florida and its neighboring states earlier in 2004." The article goes on to say later "And although millions of livelihoods have been destroyed, analysts do not expect the disaster to make much of a dent in the region's overall growth prospects."

UMMMM, okay, so what they died, the economy will still be okay? This sickens me. Sometimes I hate being a corporate librarian.

The NY Times estimates (http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/03/international/03cnd-quake.html?oref=login&hp) "as many as 150,000 dead, 500,000 seriously injured, millions of homeless and hungry and tens of thousands missing - there was a sense of progress and even rays of hope."

I am going to donate money through network for good later today. I think the minimum dontation is $10--don't go out to dinner this weekend and donate $10. http://www.networkforgood.org/ You can choose where you want your donation to go.

In the meantime, send our prayers, good energy, love, whatever you can do.