25 January 2005

what i fear most

i went to hear douglas coupland read and speak tonight, and he spoke of loneliness. i began to think of my life on the train ride home and began panicking: where will i, the being inside me, what is putting these notes on this webpage and calling my kitty "fatty boom batty" and how i look into the mirror with my eyes, my soul, when i'm really paying attention, not just to see if i need to pluck my eyebrows. where do i go? what happens? i'm SO afraid of this topic, of the very idea of it...so afraid. like, i am 25 years old, have never left north america, have a love who chose a job over me, a cat concerned abt being fed, i lost my best friend, my family is psychotic (as are all), i have clothes, running sneakers up the wazoo, books, books, stories, poems, unfinished stories, journaling, and what else? what else?

i am not into organized religion but if i had to pick a religion it would definitely be buddhist. i am not into stringent rules. i went to naropa and gained some good out of buddhism, though there was a cult-like snobbery: "oh you would NEVER understand, you're not buddhist." i want to visit plum village and see thich nhat hanh when i am there. i want to hear and travel and be and share and love.

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