09 November 2005

always lie on job interviews and never even bother applying (or interviewing) for jobs you are totally not interested in

1. always lie on interviews.

smile a lot. say you plan on staying there for the next ten years, even if you see yourself living in australia by the end of next month. say you love to mop floors and clean toilets and say you make coffee perfectly, even if you are allergic to caffeine. say you are detail-oriented and see the big picture and can multi-task and can focus on anything. say you don't mind the hours, the commute isn't bad, that the people seem friendly, that it looks like a place with upward mobility even if the only place to go is out the back door. hate yourself as you do this, and swear this will only be until you save enough money to go on your next trip.

2. never apply for jobs you have no intention of taking.

we've all been there; it's awkward. you have x amount in student loans, the rent is almost due, you have been out of work for way too long. so you apply for a job working as a secretary for harlequin novels and your job responsibilities include reading through the slush pile: "oh, fabio, your strong muscular arms take me to places no other man could have ever possibly tried to." (similar to a job i interviewed for after college.) you want to quit after a week, say, "i should've borrowed from aunt tillie, not worked here." your folks say, "it's paying the bills, doesn't it feel nice to have a little money, and it will get better." your friends say, "welcome to the sucky world of working. didn't you ever wonder why i looked like a corpse?" you work and work and suffer and suffer and one day get so fed up with it all you quit and live in your sister's garage and babysit her kids until she comes home from work. you have no money, you read your sister's trashy spy novels during the evenings, and plot your next step in life. sure, it sucks without central heating and a window, and your bed is just on a large platform above the cars, but it beats working for the man.

ain't that the truth.

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