17 March 2005

a dream; thoughts on death; for someone who once lived, who was my grandfather

i dreamt last night that i was with my grandfather in the hospital while he was dying. nevermind the last time i saw him he was hallucinating and then after that, he was unconscious for several months before he died. i miss my grandpa. i loved him.

in my dream, i climbed on his hospital bed and put my arms around him and hugged him. my family was all there, and he was dying, with us around him. i wish that was my goodbye.

he died march 8, 2003. i was buying a card table with my poor roommate (i was also broke; this is why we were buying a card table). my mother called as we were wandering around target, but i didn't hear her call. i remember calling her in my new bedroom (we had just moved) and falling on the ground, crying. i told her i was coming home. she told me don't be ridiculous. i went anyway.

i went downstairs to my old apartment (we moved one flight up) and fell on the floor again, crying. kika and marie were there. i felt so empty, so sad. i had always pictured my grandfather at my wedding, had hoped all of them will be alive. at the rate trevor's going, my parents will be dead, possibly even me. i am not counting on that boy for marriage; i can barely count on him to call me back.

my grandfather had a hearing problem, and had trouble hearing me. i loved him, though, i really did. i loved giving him hugs. he wasn't the greatest person--he didn't treat my daddy right, and never thanked my father for doing so much. but still, he was my grandpa and i loved him. i'm getting sad just writing this.

at the wake, i felt so horrible. i was the one who couldn't stop crying. i was in ny for two days; back in colorado, on my first day of work, i was crying, reading the sympathy card. i was a mess.

we hold onto people we love, and what happens when they go away. nobody lives forever. death is so scary for me. i dont believe in organized religion, and am spiritual, but have a problem with all of these life-after-death scenarios.

i have trouble letting go. relationships, even shitty ones where i was not being treated right, lasted b/c i was too weak to let them go. i miss so many people in my past, esp the ones who are no longer here. b/c what is that like? if you are dead, where are you? it freaks me out really bad to think about this.

rest in peace, grandpa, wherever you may be, if anywhere.