15 March 2005

my so-called life

i went to work today feeling somewhat cranky, even though i arrived only 10 minutes late (before l, r, and b). r kept asking me a million questions and i just wanted to listen to eggcarton zoo loud (a cover of "what i really need to do is find-a-brand-new-lover!" is my fave of jason and tom's tracks!) and be in my own world. i kept getting asked to do lame things and at one point, frustrated, i said, "someone put me out of my misery." b said, "i wish i could." i do miss l. she mellowed things out.

i went to school, said hello to karen in the office who said after i told her abt my trip, "don't tell me yr backpacking." she laughed. a perk of being a corporate worker. saw e in the lounge and she made me feel better; i swear if emily did not exist i would flip out totally in library school, more than i already do. she keeps me sane even though bpl is slowly driving her insane. class was the usual--drawn out everything, and presentations that were fine. we got out early and i went to the library to do research for paper for my online class--the librarian who thinks a beret is fashionable helped me (he's very nice) and i hate qc for not helping me research better. you suck, queens college!

in the basement, i was perusing the academic library journals, getting frustrated, and i just started crying. maybe it's b/c this injury is keeping me sidelined from running, and i have no place to get my emotions out. i'm so stressed by this unreasonable amount of homework given by my teachers. i put my hair framing my face and drip tears into the journal of academic libraries. get me out of here.

somehow i stop crying, find an article, (i gave up after finding one), copy it, find three books and get the hell out of there. the bus takes a while, the e train takes forever, and somehow, the g train is quickest of all. i take a pill for my migraine, read a book, cathedrals of the flesh by alexia brue (very good) while i eat a simple dinner of reheated brown rice and almond-lemon-butter string beans, and an egg scrambled with fresh chopped tomatoes in a tortilla. i'm making chai with venessa's ingredients (thanks girl!) and realizing i should be doing the bills, working on my paper due next week, working on my long paper (three books to read, help me!), entertaining my cat, studying my spanish, going over travel guides. f- it.

but i'm so filled with self-pity. shut up, cherie. i need to get up. i just needed to get that out. i'm listening to the scofflaws, "WORK! SUCKS!" heh heh. it seems to pointless. i can't do this corporate lifestyle. and c's fave: "taco bell." hahah!

what will i do when i'm done? after i'm traveling? i *hope* so badly to get a job as an academic librarian but it's crazy competitive in the city of FOUR MLS programs (in a country where there is only 53!) plus rutgers not too far away.

yoga tomorrow. deep breaths right now. i wish didn't need sleep so badly or i'd sip the entire batch of chai i just made. it will go in a tupperware container, along with my sadness. i am acknowledging it, but i can't let it bring me down. i will not worry or stress about mountains of schoolwork, the reading i am not doing, the $ i need to be saving, the writing i need to be doing, the book i need to be publishing, my non-relationship (i swear, i see the people at the garden more than i see my "boyfriend"--i don't even understand someone who never seems to want to live with me or has any future plans that include me...), my carpet which needs to be vacuum, the war in iraq, this f-d up administration, keeping up my relatives, and oh yeah i need to call carin and do this and that and i want to cry.

but i won't. i'll straighten up, play cat dancer with luna. i'll do what i can, no more. i will be a slacker at work, finishing my paper, remaining a ghost of the c-employee, but keeping true to my self. so hard, but i must do it.

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