28 March 2005

moby "hotel" on repeat

when i told jason i was listening to moby on repeat, he told me to take it off. i'm depressed right now, and it helps me to listen to sad music. when trevor moved out, venessa made me a sad cd. this is my new sad cd. i am realizing how unhappy i am, yet in love, and it's not going to work out. so i'm listening to moby, again, and again. it is so truly painful.

i went dancing with laura and her rad sister at avalon (the old limelight). i was molested by men all night long. i told several of them i was gay. rude hand gestures, body language and glares worked some of the time. i left laura for two seconds, and then i couldn't find her. i figured she left and all of the sudden i realize i'm standing next to her--only this guy is all over her. she's clearly unhappy so i told him we're both gay, and she's not into men. i had to be rude. men are freakin weird.

the funniest part of that night was--well, there were several points. i met these french canadian brothers and was chillin with them. i told them i had a boyfriend, and one of them had a girlfriend (but that didn't stop him from mac'n on the ladies), so we danced and chilled (friend-like). (still i had guys grabbing my ass. if that had been my boyfriend, i'd hope he would've kicked their asses.) anyway i was telling them bad words--they knew a lot of english, but weren't perfect. so i was like, "i'm going to tell you a really bad word. it means scum of the earth. if you use it, well, that's the worst. it's called--republican." they were totally laughing.

and this other guy was totally tripping and rubbing himself against those blocks you dance on, and really obnoxious and not aware--so sam and i imitated him, garnering high fives from some of the girls.

i have a headache from lack of sleep. i've been unable to sleep b/c i've been incredibly sad lately. i know this is a major turning point in my life, and i totally don't want to give up what is familiar and comfortable and nice to me. but i know i should, i should. i got a huge pep talk from my sister. it didn't really work. i still feel like shit inside. and the thing is, i know t is not even caring. he is in his world of drum n bass and smoking and worshipping work and putting our relationship LAST, and i am so freakin unhappy i don't know what to do. i want someone who will listen to me and not hang up on me. but i don't want someone else.

i don't even have my writing. i feel like it's shit, it's nothing. i can't get my book published, my stories. i give up. i can't cook (as evidenced by the rugalah disaster, although they were edible....), i hate corporate libraries, what can i do? be luna's mom? i just want to melt now, i want to be a bike-riding hippie. i am in love but i am in pain. tengo dolor.

i should stop whining. i hate people who keep whining about the same thing but hey, i know what you're going through. so i'm going to shut up. i'm going to brush my teeth and take luna to bed (she sleeps on the pillow, nothing sexual here, she's my freakin cat, but i realized it sounded like it could be sexual but it's not!), and try to sleep.

in the spirit of moby:
"Just dream about
Colour fills our song
Just dream about
How I will let go"

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