02 January 2006

a grey new year

so far, 2006 has been a very ugly, nasty, grey year. yesterday it was grey and ugly. t and i slept off our fun new year's (we drank two bottles of wine at a house party, where we kissed in the new year, then met some friends at a bar) until noon, then grabbed some brunch. t spent much of the day on the computer looking at a laptop to buy, while i wrote a letter, did a bit of reading, thought about doing some editing. i feel like a sloth as i rarely write, and with my asthma giving me trouble, haven't run in ages. towards the end of the evening, after dinner, we spent hours on the futon, cuddling and talking: something i miss more than anything else. i miss his everday presence.

t left early this a.m., at 5am, and i slept till nearly 9. i did some shopping for foodstuffs, then went to my parents' house. i'm still pretty unhappy with everything, seeing as they basically send "since your brother is a crazy asshole we will fuck you and your sister over on xmas since he needs us more than you two need us," esp as i worked hard knitting scarves, baking, etc., and i felt my whole visit was rather awkward and insincere. maybe i don't want to be friends with my parents; i felt like a stranger and kept to myself. there is a family party tomorrow but i have mad shit to do and doubt i'll get there. and it's pissing rain. my mother gave me xmas gifts, sweaters, sweaters, and shirts. the map of the world she got me was 9 years old, sans frame, although i insisted i am no longer a college student using pushpins and fun tak to hold up (rather haphazardly) my interests on my wall in poster form. i don't really want a lot of stuff right now; i am giving stuff away, piling stuff, offering stuff, recycling stuff, trashing stuff. i want to be free for when i leave. so these gifts feel very confusing. i'll try them on later, except the gap sweater--my mom insists i never spoke about my opposition to the gap and its sweatshop labor policies (complete with a cheer: we're gonna SWEAT! burn some calories! get WET! drop our salaries! if you want the world's best diet, try to eat when you can't buy it! join a sweatshop, it's a snap! support a sweatshop, shop at GAP!), which was left at her house for a return and the money--which i despeartely need as my two jobs are NOT paying my bills--my savings keep decreasing and decreasing and soon there will be nothing left.

with the rain, and my parents and i on outs, and t no longer here, and my trouble breathing, i feel down. i hope this is not a foreshadowing for 2006--although my new years eve/new years early hours were fantastic.

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