18 January 2006


i feel as if my life is a stalemate with little glimmers of hope popping out every so often. i wouldn't go as far as saying i'm depresed, but i'm just merely gliding along, looking for something good. here are some reasons why:

  • last wed, a job i had that i thought would continue until feb (i was filling in for someone while they were sick), told me, "make sure you fill out your timesheet for the rest of the week because tomorrow is your last day." shocked, i said, "it is?" so now i'm working only one job, barely enough to pay my rent.
  • that same day, my other librarian job decided to increase my hours--so i'll be working 26 1/2 hours each week--and six days a week. more than ever, i realize i need to get out--soon, and find something that pays me decently.
  • with the lack of one job, i can not afford my rent. i will have to borrow money from my parents.
  • the person i love is far away, and will probably always be far away.
  • i haven't been writing as i should, and have knitting a huge cape that will probably not be done until july.
i know i need to just snap out of it, so i am not allowing myself to focus on the bad. instead, i'm being productive with my extra time--i did a huge pile of ironing today, have been cleaning my house, reading, looking for a job. yeah, it sucks right now, but it will get better. my dad always says, "it will work out in the end," and it always does. i also found an article in the current american libraries (which i'm sending to you, v, and i ripped the article out so you won't see it, but if you want to, i can copy it for you!) about working with the peace corps setting up libraries around the world--and that was the job that appealed to me more than any tenure-track position at an nyc college. so i'm going to keep on doing what i'm doing and it will work out in the end. for now, it's a bit of a stalemate, but it won't go on like this forever.

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