my foot really hurts and i have a cold. i just want to crawl under the covers with my bratty cat. my email isn't working and i feel lost. remember drinking so much power c i got stomach aches from overdose of vitamin c. know a friend who tried to create an abortion with vitamin c...or maybe she just sent me articles on it? i can imagine that would cause a tummyache too. i want to repot my lavendar and rosemary plants to grow indoors, put them in nice pots. luna likes to eat the plants, or anyway, just fuck them up. like pull my aloe leaves out of the plant. she's a real brat lately. and she's lost weight b/c of the diet cat food--maybe she's revolting.

running injuries: a funny story
written especially for andrew...andrew, not quite as funny as glp, but...

so i ran the nyc marathon on sun. it was a wonderful, amazing experience. yesterday i went to work, and had trouble climbing the stairs at work and on the subway. not just the soreness but i realized my foot was injured. i iced it, but it still hurt. i woke up this morning and my foot hurt. i called in sick and made an appointment at a podiatrist four blocks away from me. i spent the morning hobbling around my apartment when necessary, and making cds for venessa on my favorite dyke bands (drag king bar? yes!) and doing searches in lexisnexis for class.

so i go to this doctor and he takes photos of my foot (with some special machine, ultrasound perhaps) and presses my foot--you know, the "does this hurt? how about here? does it hurt here? over here?" YES GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY FOOT!

so then he tells me i have tarsal tunnel entrapment--posterior tibial nerve. basically a tarsal is trapped in a place where it shouldnt be. good thing i went b/c the pain and entrapment can travel up your foot.

he tells me he needs to give me a shot that will take the pain away, and i'm to take these pills. fine. i tell him i'm afraid of needles.

so he sticks in the needle right in my foot. now, i've had a ton of injuries (comes along with being a runner when you have feet as messed up as mine) and i've had a cortizone shot directly in the bone--but nothing has hurt as much as this. i was screaming, gripping the chair arms, closing my eyes..."ow, ow, ouch this hurts! FUCK! sorry, i didn't mean...omigod, this hurts so bad...are you done yet? please hurry up...i didn't mean to me. this hurts SO bad, please, hurry up, omigod, ow, are you done yet?" i have a low tolerance for needles. it hurt like crazy.

so then he xrays me, gives me a prescription, and sends me on my way. i go to the pharmacy, drop off my meds and tell the i need them quickly. i'm kind of limping, but i'm somewhat okay. i drop off my shirt at the cleaners and then come back. then it hits me.

i feel woozy. i can barely stand. rows of incense and cards in polish and natural soaps and toothpastes and flosses...my foot is killing me, this is all i can think about. i tell them, "please hurry up i'm in pain." i get my medicine and i make it halfway down the aisle. i am in too much pain to continue.

they get me some water and tell me to take my medicine and sit as long as i want. after a few minutes, i am not feeling better but get up. i tell them i'm okay. i walk outside.

i pause a few feet away. i am in so much fucking pain. i walk a few more feet and want to cry. where is someone to help me? even a hipster who last washed his hair when kerry was supposed to be president...no, no one. an older woman sees me. "you need help?"

i must look like a lunatic. "i went to the doctor...he gave me a shot...it hurts so bad, i've never felt pain like this ever...a shot in my foot, i can't walk...omigod, this hurts so badly..."

she makes me take her arm and she helps me down the block.

she stops a man and they converse with polish. she gestures that he should help lift me up. she is about sixty, older probably. he holds up a hand that is wrapped in a bandage.

"he's lazy," she tells me. "we're okay, let's find someone strong." hipsters pass, but they are not strong. "no, we need somene strong."

we cross kent. we walk a few feet and i am trying so hard not to cry. she finds some polish guy, he's big and he doesn't say a word to me in english. i hold myself up as they drag me down the block. he leaves us off after a block and we continue. two more blocks. she helps me walk home. she smells like cigarette. i have never felt pain like this.

i am almost crying as i hop past a bodega. she holds onto me.

a block from my house, she tells me she really should go. she says she'll help me home tho. i don't want to impose. i tell her to go. she looks doubtful. i press her, "go, i'm okay, only a block from home. please. you have helped me so much already. thank you, thank you so much." i give this woman a hug, this woman whose name i don't know, who is at least thirty-five years older than me, two inches shorter than me, this woman who speaks with a thick accent and smells strongly of cigarettes. i love her. i hug her. she tells me to be careful and rest. i hobble, hop, pause, take my time.

at home, i hop awkwardly to my second floor apartment (this is why i don't do walkups above the third floor). i hop into bed, clutching my foot. "omigod, this hurts, this hurts, this hurts." now i can cry. i read blackbook and talk on the phone with my parents. the pain abates after about 4 hours but i still have difficulty walking now.

so the people that say new york city is an angry, rude city...i have had too many experiences with guardian angels in this city to agree.

From My Less Than Secret Life: A Diary, Fiction, Essays by Jonathan Ames New York: Thunder’s Mouth Press, 2002.

“Far worse than Seasonal Affect Disorder is having Bush as President. I think he’s more damaging than sun-muting winter skies. He’s like an eclipse. Every time I think of him in office I lose serotonin. I will dub this syndrome: Bush Affect Disorder. And it’s going to last, I’m afraid, for four years, and maybe eight. This is very, very BAD. No wonder he’s so into prescription drugs. I’m sure he’s into the pockets of the pharmaceutical companies. Antidepressant profits during his administration are going to skyrocket!”

hey everyone, i'm really depressed abt dubya for another 4 years..i can't even read the papers, makes me sick. other than withdrawing, is there anything you can suggest that will help?

marathon....
ow....

so i did it. i finished my first marathon. my time, well, i was hoping for better but considering:

1. i hadn't done any speed workouts;
2. i didn't eat much breakfast, which made me extremely lightheaded in mile 17;
3. i went out WAY too fast;
4. iot was hot

i did pretty damn good.

on the bus, i met these really awesome women, jill and abby, and hung out with them. a woman mistakenly told us as the top 3000 women we would be going off with the professional women at 935--thank god she was wrong! i would've been trampled by the men.

our bus driver got lost. he drove from battery park to the brooklyn battery park and back over the brooklyn bridge. um...what? then he started driving uptown. some woman gave him directions. luckily we had plenty of time.

abby, jill, another woman, and i stretched, tried to eat. i peed a hundred and nine times. i was so excited and nervous. my goal time of 4:40 would be hard... i could barely jog--there were 36,000 people in the park.

b/c we were the first 3,000 women, we started on the left side of the verrazano--the pro men were on the other side. pro women went off at 935, and sadly, deena kastor, my fave runner, dropped out.

it was beautiful. the entire park was filled with runners, as the bridge. i couldnt stop smiling for the first 15 miles.

i am in love with 4th avenue. there were bands, crowds of shouting people. the best part? slapping little kids' hands as i ran by.

i felt like a hero.

bedford ave was a bit quieter, esp the hassidic jewish section. they just stared. in the southside, somebody gave me some candy. i scooped up oranges, sucking candies. at every water stop, i gulped down water.

trevor said it was 68 degrees. i have never been so thirsty when running.

i was smiling like a fool. "you looked like the happiest person in the race," rachelle said. i was, especially when i saw rachelle's sign. and my mom's sign, and trevor's. the oranges my mom gave me in mile 7, and mile 17, saved me.

ed met me before the 59th st bridge. i felt so ill and dizzy. i almost fell. ed kept me going. ed, i love you. you are the best friend. supposed to drop out at 125th st, the boy ran with me till we were in central park.

at mile 17, great to see my family. i fell shortly after, dizzy. soon, i indulged in goo. i am in love with strawberry banana power gel. soooooooo good. saved me.

gatorade upsets my tummy. tried to take a little.

whoever gave me the hard sucking candy in the bronx, and the gummy bears on 5th avenue, i love you.

i love the water station attendees. i have never been so thirsty. i love my nalgene.

the dizzy period of miles 16-18 were the worst (except when i saw my parents, trish and trev), and the bronx was hard. boogydown bronx, you killed me.

i didn't think the hills were so evil. somebody smack me. nyc is supposed to be a hard course, but i just thought the distance was hard.

on 5th avenue, i almost choked on the aforementioned gummy bear, and fed off the crowd's energy. into central park, i began picking off people. it was so crowded. i ran fast, faster. a smile was once again glued on my face. as i finished, i was so emotional.

then the sobs make you walk a mile to leave. i had my medal, and my little foil wrap to keep me warm. i kept swaying and falling on top of other people.

i got my bag from the ups truck and called my parents. i met them outside, and saw trev with his sign, my mom with her hot pink glitter sign and balloons, trish with her hugs, and met tired ed. i was so happy and so proud. sure i wish i ran faster but the thing abt running is you never know how it will go. i was proud of being strong, and feeling great for most of it. running would be a bad sport to bet on.

my parents took trev and i out to sea, and when i came home i took a nap. my mom woke me up, i couldn't fall asleep so i ate chocolate, straightened up the house while hobbling, and then fell back asleep.

trev gave me a sports massage, during which i screamed. my right foot, on the inner side towards the ankle, is swollen and hurting.

still i'm so happy. i can't believe i did it.

so crista, yes, i'll do a marathon with you. i think we should do a spectator-intensive marathon. god, i can't believe i had a smile for most of my race.

thanks so much everyone for everything. i love you all, you volunteers and friends and family and loves. now i need to recover.

what i learned

1. run more speed workouts
2. go out slower
3. carry goo
4. carry gummy bears and hard candies
5. eat breakfast before the race

shoutouts to ed for running 8 miles with me, illegally; mom & dad for the oranges; trish for helping my parents from getting lost; trev for the goo handoff; cathleen for the best cheerer; rachelle for making greenpoint a happy place; 4th avenue for rocking so hard; and everybody else who called me, cared, sent flowers, and love--thank you.

marathon linkage:

complete race results via the official site of the ing nyc marathon http://www.ingnycmarathon.org/raceday/index.php

ny times article abt the marathon: http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/08/sports/08women.html?oref=login

want to know how a specific participant or group ran? try this! http://www.ingnycmarathon.org/training/simulation.html

ramaala's victory http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/08/sports/sportsspecial/08men.html

results: look up yr favorite athlete, or friend, or me! http://www.ingnycmarathon.org/results/results.html

complete marathon coverage from the NY Times http://www.nytimes.com/sports/sportsspecial/index.html

i found this on the ground when i was running this morning on the streets of greenpoint. there was no other info than what i am retyping, and i found it interesting....it's supposed to be a checklist but i can only put bullets in the blog, sorry.

IS IT FASCISM?
a checklist

• hitler/germany
• mussolini/italy
• franco/spain
• suharto/indonesia
• pinochet/chile

common to all of these regimes are which of the following conditions?

• powerful and continuing nationalism
• disdain for the recognition of human rights
• identification of enemies/scapegoats as a unifying cause
• supremacy of the military
• rampant sexism
• controlled mass media
• obsession with national security
• religion and government are intertwined
• corporate power is protected
• labor power is suppressed
• disdain for intellectuals and the arts
• obsession with crime and punishment
• rampant cronyism and corruption
• fraudulent elections

Okay America, what then is this?

• PROJECT FOR THE NEW AMERICAN CENTURY

a reading list i made for my YA class...please pass on to any teens you know who are in the closet or are just coming out...

It’s Okay to Be Gay!
A Reading List

1. Two Teenagers in Twenty: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth edited by Ann Heron (YA Nonfiction—305.9H) Forty-three teens from all over the country talk about how being gay has affected their lives. Each teen’s experiences differ, and each reader will find themselves identifying with different essays. Gay and lesbian teens will realize that they are not alone.
2. The National Youth Advocacy Coalition http://www.nyacyouth.org/index.html The National Youth Advocacy Coalition’s website provides lots of information for those questioning their sexuality. It provides lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered and queer youth with links to different websites, hotlines, support groups, health centers, legal resources, school resources, as well as a place where teens can get involved in the policies and laws that affect LGBTQ people.
3. Young Gay America http://www.younggayamerica.com/index.shtml This interactive and colorful website is for LGBTQ teens—teens can post articles, find honest information about sex, ask for advice and read others’ questions and answers, and check out other links, personals, forums and interviews with LGBTQ youth.
4. GLBTQ: The Survival Guide for Queer and Questioning Teens by Kelly Huegel (YA Nonfiction—306.76H) GLBTQ is an excellent book written for teens who are unsure of their sexuality, wanting to come out, or wanting to learn more about GLBTQ lifestyle. The casual and hip language makes this book interesting and informative, and it’s designed for browsing, so you don’t need to read the whole thing—just pick whatever section interests you. There are also tons of resources in the back—names of other books, websites, hotlines, support groups, etc.
5. Am I Blue?: Coming Out from the Silence by Marion Dane Bauer (YA Fiction—Bauer) Am I Blue is the first fiction anthology for Young Adults on gay and lesbian teens coming out. Francesca Lia Block, Nancy Garden, Lois Lowry, C.S. Alder, and other gay and non-gay authors have written realistic stories about teens who realize that they are gay.
6. Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden (YA Fiction—Garden) Annie on My Mind is a novel dealing with many of the problems that two lesbian teens encounter, but also deals with their romance. Annie and Liza come from two different backgrounds but become close and inseparable friends, and eventually discover their romantic feelings towards each other. Trouble follows when their love is discovered.
7. Rainbow Boys by Alex Sanchez (YA Fiction—Sanchez) From coming out to falling in love to worries about HIV to homophobia, this book will speak to teens about many of the issues impacting them and the people in their lives. If you like Rainbow Boys, you can follow Nelson, Kyle, and Jason into the sequel, Rainbow High.
8. Beautiful Thing (DVD and VHS—“Beautiful Thing”) This coming out movie focuses on two high school boys, Jamie and Ste. Jamie faces bullies and homophobia in school, and Ste escapes from his abusive and unhappy house into Jamie’s arms, while both slowly coming to terms with their sexuality. A romance, without being gushy.
9. Lesbian Favorites: Women Like Us—Various Artists (YA CD—Various Artists) Whether you like pop, rock, folk, or any of the other kinds of music on here—from k.d. lang to Ani DiFranco to Dar Williams to Jill Sobule, this variety album is full of lesbian-friendly songs. If anything, this will give listeners a taste of different musicians to check out.
10. Talking in the Dark: A Poetry Memoir by Billy Merrell (YA Nonfiction—811M) This book of poems about Billy Merrell’s life deals with his parents’ divorce, a friend dying of AIDS, and his own acceptance of his homosexuality. For the reader interested in poetry, as well as those is interested in other people’s experiences—this is for you.

Note: LGBTQ stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgendered Queer, and GLBTQ stands for Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgendered Queer.

you know what i hate? (while i'm in a negative mood, i might as well complain.) i can't stand those people with those insanely massive umbrellas ('umbrella motherf*ckers' as t calls them). like there's two drops of rain and there they are taking up half the sidewalk. grrr.

right now i am not being comforted by anarchists saying, "well kerry wasn't much better than bush" or "well kerry's just bush-lite." um, HELLO, PEOPLE! kerry isnt as fab as you perhaps but he is SO much better than bush. he holds women's right as an utmost concern. he wants to have health care for all americans (attractive to me as my job does not pay for my health insurance). he wants to strengthen education. he wants to create more jobs, which is excellent b/c libraries are always cut in times of economic instability and we have been cut to death.

or like this: An Industry in India Cheers Bush's Victory http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/04/business/worldbusiness/04outsource.html I work for a company constantly interested in outsourcing and the odds are quite high my job will be eliminated. i am just so freakin pissed.

what went wrong?

so anarchists, please, shut up. i dont want to hear how kerry wasnt that great--duh, but you know what, he was very very good and was going to truly save this country.

i am so disgusted that so many people would vote for dubya for xmas.

lissy, i say for xmas we get grandma subscriptions to mother jones and the nation. heh.

this attitude of "kerry wasnt that great" is just as bad as "i told you so" or "nanny-nanny-poo-poo."

europe is depressed too http://www.guardian.co.uk/uselections2004/story/0,13918,1342798,00.html

some voting trouble in fla: http://www.michaelmoore.com/index.php

in summer of 2005, the cheerleaders are having a conference in chicago. i propose we go to the suburbs, and cheer some old favorites, such as "pervert," "big judy down south," "sex positive," "brr it's cold in here," "masturbate dont detonate""just cant get a muff" and go to some of the surrounding jesus states and cheer, have queer makeout blocs and of course a naked bloc! (naked blocs are not actually not naked, but stripped down to yr panties) we need to teach thoes "christians" that hate is not a family value.

hey we are the cheerleaders, you know what we got?
what do we got?
we've got a message that's hotter than hot!
how hot is hot?
we're bi and gay and possibly straight!
uh-huh, uh-huh!
fuck george bush and his "compassionate" christian hate!

http://idisk.mac.com/glwebb-public/new_map.jpg
what we can hope for

i've noticed my cursing has upped and vocabularly dropped as i replace curses for more appropriate words since i found out the deal.

i am just sick.

trev, about australia?

veness, about france/england/anywhere?

lissy, about lesbos? (i know you want to go there!)

douglas coupland, i'm moving in with you in vancouver.

grandma, remember christmas? well it's cancelled because you voted for bush.

i can't believe this bullshit (pardon my language) but how the hell is this moron president????

i feel so blank. why did kerry concede? what is wrong with him?

now i'm remembering the chants during the no-rnc united for peace & justice march we did in august. i felt halfway guilty, not chanting half the time b/c i knew i was voting for kerry, but anyway...

not bush, not kerry, what we need's a revolutionary!

for now i am going to have to recycle all these antibush cheers. for starters, i really want to learn the end of "my bush is better, it's fuzzy like a sweater!"

i'm depressed and don't feel like doing anything other than crying.

you can bet i'm going to dc come jan to protest at the inauguration. if you want to, join up for the radical cheer bloc.

election day 2 november 2004: my experience

i woke up at 630 am, ran to the polls and voted. long lines for 640 am! i ran, came home and got ready, and pulled on my VOTE skirt, my RUN AGAINST BUSH shirt, grabbed my pompoms, and left. i went to union square and all these buses were full. luckily all of the cheerleaders were able to hop onto bus #7. MANY people did not get on the bus--i'd estimate at least 200, probably more.

finally we got to a suburb of philly, by bryn mawr (sp?). we grabbed some snickers bars for energy and hopped on the R5 to suburban station. on the train and in the station, we asked everyone if they voted yet, and reminded people to vote.

in philly, we ate, then began reminding people to vote, asking them if they had voted yet. we cheered "dub" "supersonic" "no c.a.r.b.s" "cheney is an oil whore" "we're sexy we're cute democrat to boot" etc. a lot of fun. whenenver we were too tired we'd do "to the left! to the left! to the left--not to the right!" or "drop bush not bombs clapclapclapclapclapclap!"

mostly people cheered at us and loved us. how can you not?

we encountered two groups of bush supporters. the second just stood there and didn't do anything. (we were also way too loud!yay!) the first group freaked out--there were kerry people coming at them from two directions, plus up screaming "george bush, you motherfucker!" they ran away. YAY!

it was SUCH good energy in philly--very democratic. cabbies, stores, buildings, statues, dogs, baby carriages, people, cars--all with kerry/edwards signs in the windows. really great. went to cheer by the polls but not too many people by the polls we were at.

so many street corners had tons of people holding kerry/edwards signs and "HONK IF YOU VOTE FOR KERRY/EDWARDS"--you'd better believe there were a ton of people honking. it was like a huge party.

i am so depressed. we have to recycle these cheers another 4 yrs. and suffer. and the poor will go hungry, and bush will run his dictatorship. i am having trouble focusing.

this cannot be true. i cannot live in a country where the majority of the people (who voted anyway) chose george bush to be prezehdint. wtf?

from my boyfriend's mother who lives in fla:

I think we should take all the thinking people in this country - those who believe in civil rights, the right of sexual preference and to marry whomever the heck they want, those who believe in freedom from as well as freedom of religion, those who believe in a woman's right over her own body, of a citizen's right to free speech, etc. etc. - gather them up - move them all to the northeast and then secede from this country. It has been taken over by morons.
In a few years, when they cannot walk down a street without being asked for their papers, when they cannot take out a library book without having their retinas scanned, when their children are drafted and killed in senseless wars, they'll want to come and live in our country.
I am so disappointed in America. The American people, unfortunately, will get what they deserve.

thich naht hanh suggests that people should make lists of what makes them happy. here's my version:

1. love
2. family
3. friends
4. being in love
5. running
6. writing
7. chocolate
8. feminism
9. eating good food
10. luna
11. starting a new journal
12. finishing a story
13. holidays
14. lipgloss
15. hugs
16. buddhist bks (sometime)
17. stretching
18. yoga
19. summertime
20. getting mail

right now i'm so angry. i cant believe my grandma voted for a president who believes in HATE. grandma betty, i love you but i'm very angry. i won't be talking with you for a while, so we don't get into a fight.

my neighbor below me who's been dating the same girl for a while (i've seen her before) is finally helping her move all her stuff in.

it's like rubbing salt in my wound.

well, it's a saturday night and i'm sitting here, working on my thesis. finally i'm working on it. i'm so screwed..."chapters?" "literature review?" it's halloween weekend i should be drunk off my ass dancing around at some club or party with my friends. well i'm running the marathon so i can't drink and i'm also running a 5 mile race in the morning. excitement.

i'm going to pa on tues to make sure bush doesnt get himself selected again.

i need to make pompoms.

t is supposed to come here tonight. yesterday was our five yr anniversary, yeah and i cried. i am trying to get through this but you know what, it's hard.

i need some time. like two months with no work. then i could process everything in my house and do a bit of writing. i have these bills piling up b/c i dont have time to take care of them.

i promise, after the marathon is over, i'm gonna be rockin rififi's fridays and opaline's saturdays. this running is wow....overwhelming.

ladies, it's a rumor that punk rawk girls don't cry. cry. but please, move on. nothing is worth your tears that much.

the marathon is a week and two days away. i am freaking out.

omigod. this is the mother of all races, this is the race you do to prove yrself. i hope i hope i hope i can finish.

there are butterflies in my stomach, i wish they would calm down. i'm going to get some carbohydrates in there with them, hopefully they'll feel better then.

optimistic/pessimistic

everyone at my job, esp my boss, thinks i'm so optimistic. people love to complain, and certain people (my mom, t) will tell you i'm good at it. my boss complains a lot and there's such insane things going on at my job--who knows if this will exist next week? therefore i choose not to focus on it. i always highlight the good things...when it was freezing and our heat was so bad last winter at work, instead of complaining, i pointed to the workers on the side of the building on some flimsy scaffolding 18 stories up and said, "at least we're not doing that." it is so crappy all these things are happening...and i am hoping we do not have anything else happen in ny. but seriously, i mean, i'm not in iraq, i'm not sick with some disease that i know of, i am healthy, i CAN run and i can afford running shoes, i can afford to buy organic milk and eat food, i have a great bed and i have a warm place to sleep. sure there's some definite problems in my life (like the severe pms i've been having, chocolate or nothing else, or like the fact a chimp is running our country) but i'm trying to create change. like showing my butt and wearing short cheerleading costumes is a great way to do that. i have to do this thesis that i'm always bitching about but you know what--i'm so lucky to be getting an education! and sure my commute to queens college sucks--but at least i don't have to walk there.

i'm also reading a lot of thich nhat hanh and pema chodron to deal with the pain i feel and it helps dissipate it easier. okay a breakup--you know that all the good they gave you is always there. if someone dies they are also always there, strongly. i don't know if i believe in heaven or reincarnation or fate...although noa convinced me divine design had control. i don't know.

i believe in love. love is the one thing to me that is impt. and when yr with someone who doesn't believe it, well, then they have to realize that you are on a different path. those people are different.

i want to spread my love. i want to work with adults in literacy programs (hello, i am not a children person!) i want to help the world using direct action. sure that involves shaking my butt at rallies but you know what? that's fun. it keeps me going. i see these people bitching and complaining and what are they doing? nothing.

i have been unhappy and realized, hey, let's just do what is best. i mean, i only have one life. or one that i realize. i love living. i love my family, my kitty, my friends. i love t and v and the cheerleaders. v, who has slowly become one of my best friends lives in co but that makes us work on different levels. you know? you've got to focus on the positive.

it's so freakin hard tho. like, omigod i have this paper and that paper and i need to buy a food processor and blender b/c my love left with his and shit my floors are dirty and 8 people are coming to my apt tonight and five years is just that five years and nothing more.

andrew, if you're still here, pat on the back. i'm too naropa.

i am trying to balance everything and it's so hard. but i want to create positive change visible during my lifetime.

okay i still have pms. i'm going to eat some chocolate now.

stand up! fight back!
give sexual harassers a heart attack!

on my run this am, wearing not-so-sexy running clothes from college, the light is walk but one of those annoying massive trucks so common in greenpoint turned even tho i had the walk signal. fine. as soon as it's done, i cross, but this other large truck who HAD the red light honked at me. i gave him the finger. then the truck went through the red light and yelled at me, "don't give me the finger or i'll shove it up yr a**hole." i gave him the finger. then i cut down noble, where some guy made a kissy noise. i responded with a gagging noise.

i shouldn't have to live like this!

this is part of the reason most of my male friends, if not all, are gay.

my friend jen, who also grew up in LI speaks often abt the drive by honking. where, you'll be walking, and they're drive--or more often, speed--by, honking and perhaps yelling various things out the window you can't often understand. jen always asks, "but what if i wanted to get in your car? you just drove away so fast..." with sarcasm there.

i dont' understand why men think this is okay. my boss says, "enjoy is while you can. once you turn 30 no one looks at you." great, something nice to look forward to, turning fat and ugly and wrinkled at 30--but seriously, i am not abt to "enjoy it." a friend of a friend says, "sometimes i whistle if she's really pretty. but i know it makes girls feel uncomfortable. but if she's really pretty, it's flattering." um, no, it makes me feel vulnerable. if i really catch your eye, stop your car, walk down the block, and strike up a conversation with me in a nonthreatening way. OR better yet, why don't you get together with girls that you are friends with or that you know and you date them because of the inside?

a prayer

please don't let george bush win
please don't let george bush win
please don't let george bush win

people are dying!
people are dying!
people are dying!

inspired by new kicks by le tigre

we need freedom in this nature. fuck my broken heart. yes joyce epiphanies happen in real life, i just had one which is why i'm writing this instead of working on my thesis that feels like it will last the rest of my life. "Show me what democracy looks like!" "This is what democracy sounds like." kissing anarchists, twisting tongues, we show them our underwear. the cheerleaders in the background ignoring everything but their demands. "kerry or bust" reads the sharpee across her breasts. "we will not give up." i have given up, in terms of some things. but NO, never this, i will fight for FREEDOM! "Show me what democracy looks like!" "This is what democracy FEELS like!" i feel it, do you feel me? i feel it, defiance, cherie. feel it. give up what is holding you back, say fuck it. a thesis? i can handle it! if only, peace! if only something beyond what i have known. to lose what you have loved. "it isn't enough to talk about peace, one must believe in in. it isn't enough to believe in it, one must work at it." (eleanor roosevelt) pick up the hammer and the sword, pick up your love, pick up your heart, wear pants, men don't deserve, a selection, ban hate, ban "family values" and accept love and freedom and acceptance. annie on my mind should be read by all, luna in my lap. need to escape the doldrum. "we will not back down. we will not compromise." scream it louder. "i see all the world's heros." there is too much pain to be bombing countries that do not have weapons of mass destruction. shout it out sister. let your pain go. the tears will go away when you put your hands in the dirt, fuck up that perfect french manicure and begin digging. dig up turnips for the hungry, hold up plywood and get a splinter so someone can have a roof over their head.

do it for someone else.

wild orchids
by katha pollitt
thanks for subtalk for showing this

At the foot of a rock, bamboo and orchids
small furled flowers that had themselves aloof
from the mist that is everywhere.
you have left newspapers, indolent
quarrels over sunday morning coffee
to come to the museum with your lover

and admire these swirls
swept onto the paper by an old monk
in less than ten minutes six hundred years ago

depicting the orchid,
which signifies the virtues of the noble man:
retinence, calm, clarity of mind.

to know what i'm all abt right now...

just visit: http://www.ingnycmarathon.org/

oh yeah, my stupid thesis? and work? and activism? and my kitty?

but the butterflies in my belly!!!! (okay my entomolygist sister, i know butterflies can't go there but they're there)

remember those days when you were young and yeah work sucked but you lived with yr parents or in dorm rooms or had cheap rent and you could just do whatever you wanted with whoever you wanted and you had DREAMS and you were going to make a DIFFERENCE and change the WORLD and you laughed and believed rumours, even lies, had no idea the country you lived in was bombing other ones, had no idea they didn't want you to own your own body, you were too busy experimenting with your body, wow, it can do this, and telling your best friends every single detail (or holding it back if that was just too much for them).

and suddenly you realize that your job is not your job but a CAREER and your CAT is your FAMILY and the savings in the bank are outnumbered by an extraordinary amount of loans from an MFA that you can't DO anything with and you don't like what it is you do between 9 and 5 or it's okay really, compared to with what others do, but really, IS THIS IT?? and you have yet another migraine and you hate school and there's dishes in the sink and you broke another glass and your cat is hungry and you just want to cry or sleep, really sleep b/c you have yet another migraine and you are afraid you are going to eventually fulfill the librarian stereotype: bun, conservative clothes, old maid, quiet, lives alone, lots of cats. my hair is in a bun now, i'm wearing old cords and a tank top, my one cat is munching, i live alone, i date a boy who insists upon always living in another state (you have a boyfriend?) and i'm like, really, i am a librarian, i know it's not hard to tell.

one of my favorite sleater-kinney songs, "good things" from call the doctor

good things
got this feeling when i heard your name the other day
couldnt say it couldnt make it go away
it's hard place cant be friends we cant be enemies
it's just too much feel the weight crushing down on my face

the hardest part is things already said
getting better worse i cannot tell
why do good things never wanna stay
some things you lose some things you give away

broken pieces try to make it good again
is it worth you will it make me sick today
it's a dumb song but i'll write it anyway
it's an old mistake but we always make it why do we

this time it'll be alright
this time it'll be okay

i love this new le tigre song, "seconds."

SECONDS
by le tigre

pipe down baby why so fake loud?
you've lied now ten thousand times
it's show business anyhow
why don't you put that tongue back in your mouth?
you make me sick sick ...
where'd you get all the attention?
your dad's money's too base to mention
his coattails are looking worn
you've had a nice ride that's for sure
better thank yr brain-dead clientele
for all the money taht you'll spend in hell
you make me sick, you make me
you make me so, you make me so sick, sick sick...
wanna percent of every nation
you're the type to rise to that occasion
stole the race no surprise there
the elevator always beats the stairs
you make me sick, so sick, you make me sick
on a golf cart
wearing some uniform
bombing in the nighttime
lying on tv
you make me sick sick sick sick sick sick


i'm sure you can guess what it's about! but you really have to hear the song, go buy the cd now!

prose

she saved me a seat even though she didn't know who i was. shoving over down the bench, i smiled and thanked her. perhaps she could tell i was tired or that my feet hurt. we smiled.
over the crackly intercom, the conductor made an announcements to make sure we had all our personal belongings close to us, and that we should report if we see any suspicious packages to mta employees or the police. she laughed.

"that's the stupidest announcement ever," she told me, laughing harder. it didn't matter that we were strangers, twenty or more years between us, different skin colors, different backgrounds. i laughed with her. the village voice nominated these announcements and signs for the biggest waste of mta funds.

"you know, if they really want to see unattended stuff…come to the streets of brooklyn. in my neighborhood, there's garbage on the street, unattended bags, bags ripped open, crap everywhere. come to my brooklyn!"

she laughed at what i said, and told me, "and my brooklyn too! it's not just manhattan! what about our dirty streets, that's suspicious! our health is in danger!"

we laughed and then smiled. then we sat--her staring at the people, me reading a novel. and then when i got off, i knew i had another friend in another part of new york.

november 2nd is coming up. what are you doing on november 2nd to make sure bush does not stay in the white house another hellish four years????

(i'll be cheering in pa, a swing state...swing, oooh!)

so it's sunday, 11:29 am. i ran, showered, ate, and am dressed in these very comfy jeans my cousin gave me and my "boys are stupid, throw rocks at them" t shirt. i always feel better wearing this when i'm upset with boys (i.e., trev). i'm not upset at t, just circumstances. today i'm going to do errands. i sliced my finger accidentally very deep when slicing open a bagel. it bled a lot and i think it's time to change my bandaid. anyway this is more of a pep talk to myself and the world:
YOU CAN DO IT!
me, i'm running the nyc marathon--that's also known as THE marathon. (thee, not thuh.) it is the marathon that everyone wants to do--why i wanted it to be my first. aches and pains and yeah i am so not ready for this but i am psyched!!!

my sister sent me this quote and i liked it so much i decided to post it.

"I'm not a girl, I'm a guy you know? But at the same time, I tell ya how you can solve this abortion issue right now. Ready? Those unwanted babies that single moms leave in alleys and in dumpsters? Leave about 12 of those on the steps of The Supreme Court. This is over. Like that. 'You guys said we had to have them? Then you guys...FUCKING RAISE 'EM. Raise 'em then, you fucking fucking raise 'em. YOU raise 'em. You said I had to have it? Then it's yours. Fuck. It's yours..Take it'" - Bill Hicks

At eight a.m., they were filled with more energy than anyone else on the train. Their voices carried across the train car, although they were only talking to each other--they were seated in three adjacent seats--or to the boys who were sitting directly across from them. "Yeah, that!" The beautiful one asked the boys to keep her jacket in his locker. There was much discussion, and finally, he agreed.

Giggles. Louder laughter. The boys teasing, and shrieking from the seats across. It made me miss being sixteen. I knew that they were going to Brooklyn Tech.

At Fulton, I rose, as did they. At the door, the girls stood in the front, boys behind them. The beautiful one tugged her hair impatiently as she waited for the doors to open. Olive skin, long, dark, wavy hair, bright clear eyes. Lip gloss hovered outside the edges of her lips.

The second one I did not pay attention to. It was the third that caught me.

The third girl wore a black headscarf, in accordance with her religion. A delicate scarf, with scalloped edges. While her hair was hidden, it was obvious that the true beauty was in her face. Her dark eyes were framed with mascara and thick amounts of shadow and liner. Her bright fuchsia lips were bold, as her smile was shy. While she was wearing more makeup than anyone else on this train, on her, it did not make her look bad or slutty or cheap.

On my commute today, they were not there. I was running late and the train was oddly quiet.

I wondered who she was, the truly beautiful one. I wonder if her parents forced her to wear the scarf, or if she chose, or felt it was right. Did her parents know about this makeup, this generous and careful colors across her face? The work looked too intricate to have been done on the train. Did she, as I, sneak to a friend's house before school with absent or sleeping parents, and apply gobs of color to faces before school? Did she crouch behind a bush down the block from the train? Did she sit on the benches in the station, waiting for her friends, applying gentle strokes with small, soft brushes? Who was she anyway?

I remember right before the doors opened yesterday, how suddenly she had laughed. Nobody had said anything, but she did it anyway. The girls began laughing. "What? What's funny," one of the boys who I didn't look at asked.

I held back my laugh, and watched the girls exit the train and then through the turnstiles, and then we had parted our ways up different stairways, and different lives completely.

here are a few websites that will make yr day nicer:

http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Cafe/7423/youarehere.html chris dodge of street librarian has this website of his travels. beautiful, especially while listening to:

http://www.kcrw.com/online/ KCRW is an awesome internet radio station (and on line, if you live in CA) featuring innovative and eclectic music. Awesome.

http://www.ingnycmarathon.org/generalinfo/spectatorguide.html# OMIGOD! i'm running the marathon on nov 7th, send me good energy and cheer me on. i'm the one in pink.

http://www.lisnews.com/ News for nerdy librarians like me.

http://www.siecus.org/shop.html If you want to shop amazon you can support siecus (sexually information and education council of the united states)--every purchase you make, amazon donates a portion to siecus. rad.

http://www.librarianactivist.org/index.html I'm a nerdy librarian.

http://www.archive.org/audio/audio-searchresults.php?submit=ByRelease&limit=100&start=0&sort=collectionid&collection=naropa&PHPSESSID=0993fc1eb82a7a03a09c726e80a7f320
Listen to the Naropa audio archives

http://www.lipsticklibrarian.com/ i love the lipstick librarian! i have one of her t-shirts!

http://www.lipsticklibrarian.com/tips.html and that has some funny library-glamour!

http://www.lipsticklibrarian.com/quiz.html and that's best of all--the quiz to see if you really a lipstick librarian!

http://www.libr.org/PL/contentsFT.html many full text articles in the progressive librarian yay!

http://www.bobdylan.com/songs/ lyrics and other rad things to bob dylan songs and abt robert zimmerman & listen to samples of songs b/c everyone forgets what the title of this or that song is…

what's yr favorite bob dylan song? mine is "sad eyed lady of the lowlands." second place--"tangled up in blue."

Libraries Rule

as krs one calls himself, Knowledge Reigns Supreme Over Nearly Everybody being a (junior librarian) has offered me the entire world. before i entered library school, and started my library job (even if it is corporate, we all come from the library mindset), i would wonder things. "hmmm i wonder if Fahrenheit 9/11 is true." "wow, i wonder what jennifer belle's background is." "does anybody know any good recipes for chai?" now that i research regularly for work i have become more experienced, and more aware of my ability to leave no question unanswered. at work, i find myself googling veggie burger recipes, searching for information on how much the ceo of amex makes, checking out the background of various companies to see if i should support them, reading intelligent antibush news, etc. becoming a librarian has been an empowering experience--anybody who tells you knowledge is not power is different--KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! with knowledge you can do anything--go to school, find out what your senator did on this or that bill, do research for your boyfriend, grandmother, friend. i have researched for radical cheerleading, radical librarians, and radical cherie!

EMPOWER YOURSELF! READ & RESEARCH! KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

three girls on the train

i see three girls on the rush hour morning G train. they are going to brooklyn tech, i'm sure of it. three boys sit directly across from them, and they loudly talk, distracting me from my reading. i watch them. remember a shadow of myself, who i used to be. "no, you!" that's a sentence. they're loud. teens. laughter. my book does not entertain.
we get off at fulton, all of us. this is where brooklyn tech is, somewhere around here, the exact location i'm not sure of. and this is when i get to look at them.
one, long, dark waving hair, gorgeous olive-colored skin. she's the beauty of the group, the boys who i don't look at would probably say. the second one i don't look at. but it's the third girl i stare at.
she is wearing a head scarf, but i doubt it's her hair that would attract men. this girl is beautiful, hidden away in an untucked corner. a full face of makeup, that's what stops me. more makeup than anyone else on the train, but it does not look trashy. almost out of place with the headscarf, but perfect for the face. i wonder if she did the eyeliner before she got on the train, or if her parents knew about it. the eyeliner was thick, framed by eyeshadow and her beautiful eyes. deep lipstick.
will i see her today? does she take off her scarf when the boys kiss her? i don't know enough about scarves but sometimes i really wish i could just go back in time, make friends with the world and kiss everyone else in the process.

so i think i see my ex-boyfriend on the train and is that why he keeps staring at me? he's writing, staring at me, then writing. it's not drawing, which is what he does. now i'm listening to antibush punk bands, procrastinating, yes, a test in online retrieval that is made up of THREE essays. i'm not sure how a test with 3 essays on ONLINE RETRIEVAL can exist but...i wrote my grandma a letter asking her to vote for kerry. my ex-best friend's ex-boyfriend will be performing at a club after i am done cheering, how bizarre. a day of exes. ex-schools i spoke at. i am confused. library school is messing up my head. i reheated risotto, better the first time. i'd like to go to sleep. i like big butts and i cannot lie. this is the true me. you ever drink so much it all comes out and it doesnt make sense but it's who you are? need sleep. read pema chodron, thich naht hanh. i miss my old roommate but she, i dont know. i am not punk rock. i am punk rawk. you are rockin. he is a punk. my cat is lazy.
"it's such a sad state of affairs."
"i'm in a rogue state."
songs, then poems. love then life. help me sort it out, kay? what to do when love runs away and you realize a city is holding you back--you need to stay, help them change. wilderness therapy? you need a motherf-in hug! a kiss for you, maam. ma'am if yr 50 or above. i'm not ma'am. sexy ms. yeah!

oh my god, i just ran 3 hours 30 minutes and 29 seconds!

welcome to training for the marathon

on nov 7th along with tons of other crazy people i'm going to run in the nyc marathon. i'm totally not ready for it--i have not been doing the distance i should, my distance runs are not as frequent as they should be. anyway watch yr tv, i'm psyched, nervous and i know that i'm absolutely insane!

if you want to come, bring orange slices and hand them out to me and other runners and hand out water. if you volunteer by handing out water you get tons of free stuff. it's so awesome, even if you dont run. and be careful where you're going on that day or yr liable to be stuck on the wrong side of the street for hours.

www.nyrrc.org has tons of info on the marathon. click on the part abt the ing nyc marathon

my blue period

so i haven't written in a while. what can you do to cure a broken heart? here are some things that have been helping me since my boyfriend decided that a job as a fisheries observer in massachussets was more important to him than anything.

1. chocolate. you cannot lift out of a depression without chocolate. this is a fact.

2. good music. i have been listening to a lot of indian music, esp. ones that are good for yoga. it's soothing and calming and energizing at the same time. also, a cd ed gave me eons ago with way too much happy hardcore for anyone else is good. please note: if you are crying, happy hardcore makes you feel worse than before b/c all of the songs are about love. but it's a good cd anyway.

3. good food. i have trouble eating when i'm upset and i estimate i've lost 5 pounds at least since trevor and i have been having problems. some people eat a lot. i feel nauseas or queasy or just don't have an appetite. and hello, i'm training for the marathon and i am also the queen of food. i have heard, "i've never seen a girl eat as much as you." not anymore.

4. also, if i have the stomach and time, i cook. lentil soup, broccoli-gorgonzola risotto, mmmm!

5. a quiet space of your own that is nice. i love my apartment, it's so cute and perfect for me. it would be even better if trev lived there, but i'm not going to dwell on it. drink tea, write, work on my thesis, practice yoga, chill, play with luna.

6. play with my kitty. she knows i'm sad and she is super affectionate. or maybe she just wants to eat.

7. when it gets hard, call venessa, my mom, sister, other friends. i am so lucky to have so many rad people in my life.

8. write down what i feel.

9. read. no romance novels, none at all. humor is good. i like buddhist books abt sadness to help me through my times. pema chodron is really helping me out right now, thanks pema.

10. do me things, like dance like crazy or mop my apt while singing along with talib kweli, or yoga at 1am.

if you ever need a friend in a hard time, i'm here for you. thanks for listening.

A terrific book I just read is "Revolting Librarians" by Celeste West, Elizabeth Katz, et al. There's a newer version that is sitting on my bookshelf waiting to be raed, and this is the original Revolting Librarians from 1972.

Here's some wisdom I picked from it:

"To tell the truth is a revolutionary."
--A. Gramsci


"what is the afternoon for"
by tod hawks (c) 1972

what is the afternoon for
but to listen to the sonata
of footprints peering at
pictures hanging on plaster walls
perhaps a little child searching
for peanuts and parables
a saraband of gentle sounds
whisper the turning pages
i utter causes socialistic
evoking from the dark
'do you want to ruin this country'
and i pause to swivel in my chair
and think of little people
who lie dying
in the corner of streets
unpaved with human kindness


"those who profess to favor freedom yet deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground; they want rain without thunder and lightning; they want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters."
--Frederick Douglass

Homage to RB
Elinor Martin (c) 1972

I look like I am filing catalog cards
But actually I am filing shadows of birds
Someday they will open the trays
And there will be only feathers.

THE DRAFT?!?!? from an email I got from a librarian (you can always trust librarians with the truth)

The Coming Draft - Skills & CombatAnti-war This is a Special Military Draft Alert.In May, the Seattle Post Intelligencer published an article about a document they received through the Freedom of Information Act. It was revealed that the SSS is currently “designing procedures” for the implementation of a “Skills Draft” and had held a top-level meeting on it with Deputy Undersecretaries at the Defense Department. This draft would change the essential mission of the Selective Service and require “virtually every young American,” male and female ages 18–34, to register for the Skills Draft and list all the occupations they are proficient in to fill labor shortages throughout nearly the entire government. If enacted, the Skills Draft proposed in this FOI- recovered document would change America as we know it.The Pentagon is suffering from immediate labor shortages. Recently, the inactive Ready Reserve had to be called up for the first time since the Gulf War to fill 5,600 job shortages in the Armed Forces. DoD said in the recent IRR callup “20% of the call-ups are truck drivers, 12% are supply specialists who can use a computer to track supplies, 10% are Humvee mechanics, 7% are administrative specialists and 6% are combat engineers” (USA Today, August 8, 2004).Although Congress would have to approve new legislation to create a Skills Draft or reinstate the combat draft, Family Circle reported in its July 13 issue that Karl Rove had polled GOP members of Congress in September 2002 to see if they would support the President if he requests reinstatement. The Republicans said they would vote for the draft. They would likely support the new legislation needed to create the Skills Draft. While Bush and the Republicans are of course keeping the return of the draft and the new skills draft as quiet as possible, many anti-draft organizations have recently begun warning of a “Coming New Draft. ”The Issue Paper document was revealed through the Freedom of Information Act by Seattle Post Intelligencer reporter Eric Rosenberg, who wrote a partial explanation of it that was printed May 1, 2004.Rosenberg’s article was edited, however, and some key points about this document were omitted in the published article. What follows is a full explanation of the document.This document is real, having been acknowledged by the DoD and the SSS when they said no action is being taken on it at the present time. However, given the current manpower shortages for certain skills and nurses, if Bush gets back in, expect all the options outlined in the Issue Paper to be implemented by the end of December of this year, and at the least a non-combat skills and medical draft to start next year, if not the male combat draft, ages 18 –25.Despite Rumsfeld saying the draft is not needed, this is the same neo-con administration that has repeatedly lied to and misled the American people. Draft-age youth and their families are left looking at a “long, hard slog” in Iraq (Rumsfeld secret memo), the neo-con plans to invade still more nations, and then having to take Rumsfeld and Cheney’s word not to worry about the draft, that they “are not considering it at this time.”Although official word is that this secret list of options is not being implemented—the Issue Paper options have NOT been rejected and the 6-page proposal is rather sitting in the Pentagon, waiting. In addition, the SSS itself has said that it is “designing procedures” (Seattle PI, May 1, 2004) to implement the skills draft, meaning designing the compliance cards and the data fields needed to keep track of “virtually every young American” and their skills. Acting Director of the SSS Brodsky has also said the Skills Draft is the “top priority” of the Selective Service for 2004.>From the FOI document, we now know that on February 11, 2003, Charles Abell, the Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness, and William Carr, Deputy Undersecretary for Military Personnel Policy, met with Lewis Brodsky, the Acting Director of the Selective Service and some other officials. This is the highest-level meeting you could have about the Selective Service, outside of Rumsfeld and his inner circle. They were there to discuss the urgent “issue paper” now revealed, which starts: “With known shortages of military personnel with certain critical skills, and with the need for the nation to be capable of responding to domestic emergencies as a part of Homeland Security Planning, changes should be made in the Selective Service System’s registration program and primary mission.”Although it would require changes in current draft law, the far-reaching proposal shows how far the Republicans are going to plan and prepare for a huge expansion of the draft. The Issue Paper options include: Change the very mission of the SSS to become a massive conscription service in the War on Terror for the entire government. Conscript men and women in a critical skills non-combat draft up to age 34 with no deferments of any kind, except “essential community service” (like the Medical Draft). Allow a non-combat draft for shortages in critical skills, without calling a combat draft. Fill labor shortages of all kinds throughout not only DoD but the whole government, especially high-paying professionals like computer networking specialist or linguist. Create a massive database of “virtually every young American” ages 18 to 34. This database would be used to draft in war and to recruit in peacetime. State and even local governments would be given access to the names for recruitment and help in emergencies. Create a single-point, all-inclusive database, in which every young person would be forced to send in a “self-declaration” of all of their critical skills, chosen from a long list of occupations like the Armed Forces Specialty Code. The self-declaration is similar to IRS compliance and the filling out and signing of your tax forms. All young people would be required to keep the government updated if they acquired a new skill. SSS Compliance forms will be available at every Post Office. The usual penalties of imprisonment and/or a $250,000 fine would apply to all non-registrants. A draft or recruitment could be for any one of the skills you self- declare on the compliance form, not your current or primary skill. This greatly increases your chance of being drafted if you are 18–34. Bring the Medical Draft (HCPDS) up to speed and fully test it through readiness exercises. Reduce induction time from being able to deliver all inductees in 193 days down to just 90 days for skills inductees.This secret paper urges the mission be changed “promptly,” meaning they really need it, it would draft for the Pentagon as well as the enormous Homeland Security branches as well as other government agencies, even state and local!For obvious political reasons, the decision was made by Bush, Cheney and Rove to sit on this 6-page proposal until after the election in November. Yet the SSS was told to go ahead and begin “designing procedures” for the Skills Draft in 2004 and make it their “top priority.” It can be expected that if Bush gets back in, and the DoD and SSS are still asking for the Skills Draft, the “Next Steps” part of the document will be put into action and the most expansive option to change the SSS mission will be rapidly legislated.In the secret planning meeting document, the next steps strongly recommended by SSS Acting Director Brodsky were:1. “Promptly” redefine the SSS Mission to draft men and women up to age 34 for skills, and deliver them within 90 days or sooner to the Department of Defense. Program a massive database to be ready to enter millions of names of those registering their critical skills.2. Expand mission to deliver personnel in skills draft to the Department of Homeland Security and other agencies, including FEMA, NSC, Border Patrol, INS, Customs, Corporation for National Service, Public Health Service and other federal, state and local government agencies.3. Form interagency task force to provide Administration with recommendation on this skills draft for the entire DHS and the rest of the government.4. Obtain White House Statement of Administration Policy on the future of the SSS.5. Be prepared to market the skills draft, raising the non-combat age to 34 and the drafting of women to the Armed Services and Appropriations Committee.This proposed expansion of the draft, forcing all people under 35 to register with the SSS, man or woman, is primarily proposed, according to the document, because the cost of providing contract professionals, like computer network specialists, would be “prohibitive.” In this way, the proposed Skills Draft would help preserve Bush’s massive tax cuts for the wealthy by lowering the massive budget deficits.That’s the new Skills Draft and the secret document behind it. But what about the Combat Draft?Selective Service has been registering young men for over twenty years and at any moment the President can go to Congress and ask them to reauthorize conscription for the male combat draft for ages 18–25. It doesn’t take much to imagine a re-elected Bush going to Congress and saying “We cannot cut and run from Iraq or the War on Terror. I need you to reauthorize conscription.”And they would not have to pass a whole new draft law to do it. All that is needed is a “trigger resolution,” which could be passed in the dead of night—and bingo! No debate, no regular bill, just a short resolution passed quickly and the draft for men 18 to 25 is back.That is why the Democratic draft resolution being offered by Rangel and Hollings is totally irrelevant. These are known protest bills and actually propose drafting women for the combat draft, just to make sure they will never see the light of day. Rangel and Hollings offered them to raise the issue and confront Bush. Hollings even said he wouldn’t vote for his own bill!They are not needed—and the press and the Republicans will bring them up as red herrings to distract everyone from what is really going on: the Republicans, and the SSS are quietly, behind the scenes, oiling up the draft machinery—getting ready to reinstate for the Spring of 2005. Taken singly, each of the clues indicating the return and expansion of the draft might seem insignificant but when you add them all up with what the Selective Service is doing to gear up the combat draft, a clear pattern emerges, leading to the inescapable conclusion that a Bush re-election will see not only a Skills Draft, but a return of the Combat Draft as well.What is the proof? The government’s own document, the SSS Performance Plan for Fiscal Year 2004.The Selective Service System, or the SSS, has for decades operated at a low level of readiness. Readiness Exercises are conducted on a multi-year cycle but historically these have been little more than getting draft board volunteers together and going over the procedures of what would happen under reinstatement and training new members every summer. And the draft boards themselves have become 80% vacant over the decades.In the current 5-year cycle of exercises, however, the SSS is clearly ramping up the draft machinery to an unprecedented level.“Strategic Objective 1.2: Ensure a mobilization infrastructure of 56 State Headquarters, 442 Area Offices and 1,980 Local Boards are operational within 75 days of an authorized return to conscription.”Tie that to this objective:An annual report providing the results of the implementation of these performance measures will be submitted by March 31, 2005.75 days from March 31, 2005 is about June 15, 2005. According to the 2004 plan, the draft boards will be “operational” then, meaning that they will be set up in 1,980 local offices around the country. If Bush asks for reinstatement on April 1, Congress could pass it that night and the first batch of more than one million 20 year-olds would face the national lottery as soon as that date, June 15, 2005.Here is how the $28 million is being spent according to the official document. Although the Senate rejected the funding request to bump up the SSS budget to $28 million, the SSS says in one paragraph of the Performance Plan that budgets will be “adjusted” to cover the additional cost for 2004:Strategic Goal 1: Increase the effectiveness and efficiency of the Manpower Delivery Systems (Projected allocation for FY 2004: $7,942,000)Strategic Goal 2: Improve overall Registration Compliance and Service to the Public (Projected allocation FY 2004: $8,769,000)Strategic Goal 3: Enhance external and internal customer service (Projected allocation for FY 2004: $10 ,624,000)Strategic Goal 4: Enhance the system which guarantees that each conscientious objector is properly classified, placed, and monitored. (Projected allocation for FY 2004: $955,000)In analyzing each of the 2004 goals in detail it is obvious that there are hidden “activation bombshells” in this so-called Performance Plan. Goal number 1 in particular brings the combat induction process up to 95% operational readiness, going so far as to actually hold a mock lottery drawing this year and to issue sample orders to report for the famous medical exam. The document does not reveal the day in 2004 the mock lottery is to be held.In addition, the Medical Draft, or Health Care Personnel Delivery System (HCPDS in the document), is for the first time brought up to full readiness by next year. This draft would take men and women up to age 44 if they are doctors, nurses or one of 60-some medical specialties. No medical deferments allowed. Previous readiness exercises merely went over what would happen with HCPDS and updated the guide. The 2004 plan actually develops a readiness exercise for the Medical Draft that would be conducted next year. Plus HCPDS must be ready to conscript by June, being part of the system.Goal number four is particularly ominous:Strategic Objective 4.1: Ensure a mobilization infrastructure of 48 Alternative Service Offices and 48 Civilian Review Boards are operational within 96 days after notification of a return to induction.Strategic Objective 4.2: Develop a Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for the Alternative Service Employer Network to specifically identify organizations and associations who can, by law, participate in the Alternative Service Program. This network will provide jobs for ASWs at the local level. Prior to activation, SSS will develop a draft MOU for use when obtaining agreements with qualified employers at the local and national level.For 31 years, the Conscientious Objector system, called the Alternative Service, has lain dormant. The 2004 plan also calls for this to be brought up to speed and to be ready to decide cases and place COs in the Alternative Service by July 6, 2005 (96 days after March 31, 2005). The SSS is even going so far as to draw up the SOPs, the Standard Operating Procedures which identify local employers eligible to receive cheap AS workers and to also draw up the actual MOU, the Memorandum of Understanding the employer must sign to get their CO workers and allow their mandatory attendance to be monitored. This is the last obstacle to be hurdled before the draft could actually be ready for quick activation under the law.In sharp contrast to all this preparation for a Spring 2005 draft by Bush, Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry has proposed a military plan that rejects any draft, by adding 20,000 active duty combat soldiers and 20,000 active “reconstruction specialists.” At a Wisconsin high school, Kerry pledged in June, 2004, that the draft would be “absolutely unnecessary.” When asked in April by 130 college editors in a conference call as to whether he would support a draft, John Kerry said unequivocally: “No. No draft” and he has criticized the use of the Guard and Reserve and now the Individual Ready Reserve as a “back-door draft.”Kerry plans to spend an additional $7 billion to strengthen the Volunteer Army in what is essentially a “No-Draft Plan,” Moreover, Kerry is strongly opposed to the neo-con plan revealed in Wes Clark’s book, in which Clark was told by a senior Pentagon official that invasions of Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Sudan and Somalia are still to come over the next three years.Source: http://www.blatanttruth.org/alert.htm

How to Surviving Library School

1. Never take it seriously. However, you will still learn a lot.
2. Take off at least one class per semester--drink beer or cook yourself an elaborate meal or take a bath or dance sweaty and naked at a popular club instead. If you go every week, you will drive yourself nuts!
3. Hold your nose and dive into cataloging. Once you understand it, it will be clear. I once spent 12 hours studying cataloging in one day. Ow.
4. Take as many different kinds of classes as possible. I have taken classes in Readers' Advisory, YA Services, Marketing of Libraries, Online Research, Archives & Manuscripts.
5. Before taking classes, ask around. Library students, like librarians, are usually friendly and will offer you advice about classes.
6. Keep up-to-date on what's happening in the library world.
7. Join library associations--most organizations have student rates which are WAY cheaper. ALA is about $25 or $30 (can't remember), and I also belong to SLA, NYLA, and the New York Library Club. Once you graduate, they're a lot more $$$.
8. Learn to love ALA and RLIN and OCLC and MARC and YALSA and etc etc etc. You will soon learn what all of these mean, that is, if you enroll.
9. Get the Nancy Pearl Librarian Action Figure.
10. Don't worry about shushing--no one does it anymore.
11. If you are white, with glasses, and female, you fit the standard of 99% of librarians. I do not have glasses, but am everything else.
12. If a class is boring, amuse yourself in other ways--write notes, write letters to friends (hi venessa!) in your notebook and mail them, do reading for other classes, day dream, make grocery lists, etc.
13. Librarians are friendly. Ask for help!

i don't know why i thought i could handle two classes plus write my thesis plus stopping dubya from getting selected again. oh yeah, plus get ready for this huge wedding (shoes? updo? an updo in greenpoint? exactly.) oh and i may or may not be going through a breakup of a 5 year relationship (no dates please, i really dont want anyone but the one i have, but if he leaves, we have no future...he may be taking a job in mass-ugh-chew-sits.)

i've been sad lately, and here's how i plan on doing staying strong:
1. spend a lot of time alone. i don't want to be around others when i'm sad.
2. cook. i made lentil soup AND a quiche yesterday (well two actually because something happened when i messed up the recipe.)
3. yoga.
4. run.
5. write.
6. don't talk to other people, or if you do, limit what you need to converse with them about.
7. cry. when it gets really bad, call trish. or melissa or venessa or jessica or my mom, but really, my mom doesn't want to hear it all. she would but then she'll hate trev. my friends get over it quicker.
8. work on thesis.
9. read books in bed. wear long pajamas, hair in a braid. cat is on pillow next to me, just a little lamp on, a cup of tea next to the bed. sleeping cap optional.

how silly this all is. i'm depressed. give me a hug!

oh my god i'm watching movies!

anyone that knows me knows i rarely watch movies. i've been getting into the documentary bandwagon (although i always liked docs, there's really so many terrific ones out lately!) and have watched several movies worth of watching again.

farenheit 9/11
amazing. i hated bush but i didn't realize how hardcore he had betrayed me and other americans. it's insane. sad. angry. wanting to create social change. it's the story of how dubya knew abt 9/11 and his actions. i watched it twice, in the theatres.
twice in the theatres is a world record for me.

the yes men
i cheered for them at the human rights film festival and then watched their film. amazing. it blew me away. i enjoyed it so much i am going to pay to see it this weekend. basically it's the story of these guys who create a wto-look-a-like website www.gatt.org that gets them several invitations to speak as wto reps...and the hilarious results. inspiring for activists.
one at a preview, once (to be) in the theatres.

the corporation
amazing. http://www.filmforum.com here in nyc is showing it. it's amazing and examines the corporation psychologically as if it were a person--and the insane results. very informative and interesting.
once in the theatres

outfoxed
i wanted to see this and finally rented it from photoplay. i got so mad at o'reilly when he's yelling at this guy who is against the war and whose dad died in the wtc--SHUT UP!!! it's insane and you also learn more abt how rBST is so evil. i drink organic milk, you should too!
rented once

the weather underground
in 1969 a group of people broke off fr sds to form the weather men. these people advocated violence to create a revolution. crazy the things they did, but it was really interesting.
rented and watched 1 1/2 times.

any movies to recommend??? let's have a date!

what is an antonym. no, what is a synonym.

how do you do with a breakup or a reunion? how do you deal with a kiss or a fist? what do you do with a cat and a mouse? and how does a thunderstorm with a sunny sky exist? your body when you work in a cold office in the dead humid heat of summertime? what is the purpose of opposites? of dirt roads and a konkrete jungle? of family but a family that lives far? can it all exist, within the same universe?

i'm posting on my blog a lot lately...i don't know, i really like my computer. trev has been away so i'm totally being productive. the house is clean, the laundry hanging, homework being done (some of it), calls returned, cats on diet, bills getting paid..we might break up forever, and then what? i'll be productive but alone..."sad and lonely" as my grandma would say. let's not think about this all, my cat is trying to eat my receipts as my love has not called me back.

a terrific anonymous Salvadoran poem:

I, Like You
Love Life, Life the Sweet Enchantment of
Things, the Celestial Blue Countryside on
January Days.
But My Blood Boils and I Laugh With the
Eyes That Have Known Tears.

What do you do when you really don't like yr job but it's not all that bad but still you've been looking for as long as you work there but everytime you talk about leaving your mom and others say, "But it pays so well! And your boss is so nice, and it's flexible and good to work at during school..." And you just want to scream, "I choose the poverty of a librarian over this crap!"

Welcome to my life.

My friend Kickassica is leaving her corporate job for school. Lucky her. I know that I'm only going to be here till May at most but still I want to escape. I have an interview in a few weeks for a job at a public library--paying less than half of what I make now. (But with benefits, etc.) I don't know what to do.

Why does my job suck?

1. For starters I hate the corporate world.
2. It's located in the Financial District.
3. I am a temp and they refuse to hire me as a perm. This means I don't get health benefits, when I do anything my email is US NY Library Assistant.
4. Even though I was hired as an assistant, at some point my boss decided I'd be a junior librarian, and I started doing research. I think she likes to call me her assistant (her=powerful) but I hate it. I absolutely hate it.
5. I hate photocopying.

So what should I do? Should I escape? Should I run away? Should I suck it up and stay?

disgruntled, part 2

everyone seems unhappy here at work. what does this mean? i don't know. i have to carry a heavy backpack (with all my books for my thesis that i'm returning) to a school in another borough...

you don't want to hear me whine though! (and neither does trevor, but poor boy, he does!)

weather.com lied--there wasn't any rain during the day today either! i would've worn flipflops but instead my dirty pink diesel sneakers.

the state of the world is unsettling. i mean, gwb is prezzie! um, i don't think so!

can someone figure out a way for me to maintain my sanity? thanks, i really appreciate that....

until next time, i'm a tomato lover. my dad grows the best tomatoes, the best, i love sliced cold tomatoes with salt on them.

disgruntled and tired

the semester just started and already i'm tired. my thesis is going to be super time-consuming (that's why it's worth three credits, cherie, duh!) and my head feels heavy. i would like a blanket and a pillow, please. sleep at work.

lately work is back and forth. i'm doing "clips"--you gather all the news from the past month or so on a specific topic or company--i've been doing banks--retail and investment. i know, sounds pretty thrilling but i WANT to do research and honestly, i've been bored to tears lately.

i wish my job was in soho. or it was not in the financial district. and i wish i didn't have to deal with the corporate types. this job is good for now--very good financially--but i'm confused abt my future.

queens and i have an interview--the question is: can i settle for that much less $? (yes as long as trevor doesn't leave me.) can i deal with a longer commute? (not really.) can i do public? (yes as long as i'm not working in a horrid hood.) we'll see.

it's crappy weather--rain all week--although tomorrow it's just supposed to be cloudy. i'm not a duck, i hate rain.

pause. sit in your little chair at your computer and pause. read this and then close your eyes. where would you really like to be? now close your eyes.

did you close your eyes? close them! now relax.

me? i'd like to be in a tropical cabin on the beach on my porch or in my porch at my house in greenery--sleeping on a comfy porch futon with my honey and my kitty. then, then i can dream of bigger things. like a good job at an academic library and more $ and getting my novels published and two cats and happily ever after...