hatred hurts

this is why i'm almost in tears right now.

dominical, costa rica

i hadn't planned on staying so long in dominical. i had hoped to head down to the peninsula de osa, but if i did so, flights back were going to be crazy. i ended up spending more time in this fantastic town, and loving every minute of it. it was jam packed full of fun and eating lots of mangoes, and flew back, yet i did a lot!
i'll start with a later discovery--my love for surfing!!! i didn't discover this until after i met shaun. he offered to teach me surfing--and i have had offers before but for some reason, i accepted. the next day, super nervous (but knowing to at least wear a tank top while surfing--just swimming in dominical pulled my bikini top sideways and too many people saw my boobs!), i arrived at shaun's room. he showed me how to wax the board, and then i carried it down to the beach. he showed me techniques, told me when to paddle, showed me how to paddle, when to jump. i did it repeatedly and kept falling off and finally, he said, "one more time."

and then i surfed! i was standing up! of course it wasn't for long, but it was awesome!

we kept going for a longer time after that. it was super fun and i couldn't believe how much i loved it!

my final day, i decided to look for a surf school. i mentioned it to my rad friend brett, and this guy he was talking to turned out to teach surfing...we hit it off really well. i went back to his place (where i had chilled the first night) and i read a book he wrote abt surfing. then we surfed for about two hours and i was MUCH better! he was super impressed and said with practice, i could be an average surfer in six months--"and i don't tell that to anyone! you are one of my top five beginners." i was shocked. i had tons of fun, stood up only a few times, but it was SUCH a blast and such a high. it's amazing. i'm looking for a board now.

but i did other things! i swam, i relaxed on the beach. i talked with locals--surfers, ticos, others. i hiked at hacienda baru with forest, sharing special moments like you can see below.

one day, brett and i also hiked down to a waterfall on a trail covered with muck and mud and horse poop. it was worth it when we got to the waterfall--absolutely amazing.
i also took a day trip to corcovado national park which was totally awesome and amazing. the mangroves were really beautiful (on the boat ride there) and we saw monkeys and coatie (i am spelling that wrong). it was awesome.

i also met a lot of beautiful people--hippies, surfers, travelers, ticos. i met this amazing man below on our hike back up from the waterfall. brett and i chatted with him and he gave me bananas. he was so sweet and i miss him. he made the poopy trail totally worth it.

manuel antonio

next stop--manuel antonio! after an outrageous bus ride including a stop in puntarenjas (dirty beaches, friendly people, though it's supposedly super dangerous), i arrived in manuel antonio. got my dorm bed sorted out, then immediately donned my bikini and headed to the beach. i swam, walked alone, chatted with people, including a rather persistent tico who wanted to practice his poor english (and also take me out to dinner, which i politely consistently refused). after the beach, i headed back to my hostel, went running on this amazing hill with an awesome sunset view. i showered, ate with two american girls from my hostel, and then the entire hostel piled into this surfmobile (a pickup truck with a metal box above the back of the truck where we piled!) and headed out for drinks. yummy strawberry coladas and musica and dancing and fun...
the next morning i woke up early and ran down to manuel antonio park. a stream makes entrance a little difficult, and while i was pondering the choices, a middle-aged german-speaking man pointed to his back. i hopped on, he took me to the other side, while all of his friends laughed hysterically, as did i.

the park was empty just after it opened. manuel antonio park is famous for its wildlife, but all of its trails lead to beaches. i swam alone at various beaches (no one else around) in calm, calm water. i took photos, admired scenery, examined flora and fauna, scanned the treetops for wildlife, saw more insects than ever. a really lovely morning.

monteverde, costa rica

i started off my trip in monteverde, which is the center towards the northern part of costa rica. as it's in the mountains, it's rather colder than the rest of the country (which i discovered, and i was quite cold at many points!). i had a blast, despite the nighttime temperatures necessitating two blankets on my bed!

in monteverde, i started off by doing a bridge walk. in santa elena preserve, bridges and trails are built high up so you are at the treetops--with amazing views and a unique experience in the park. i met up with some rad boys--these three argentinian boys--pablo, carlito and federico

i also went on a dusk hike, where i saw a white-faced monkey, a sloth (woohooo! it was actually moving too!!!), a tarantula, various insects, birds, and learned a lot about nature.

after, we went to a bar, los amigos, which was filled with ticos, dancing and smoke. i was tired so i left early.

the next day, i awoke early, did a long run (getting lost in the mountains, and practiced my spanish by asking for directions many times!), and then ate a quick breakfast of mangoes and yogurt. i lost 4 pounds in costa rica, simply by eating lots of fruit and less heavy things. oh yum, i LOVE the food!

after, we did ziplining. it was SO fun! you fly through the air on wires. it was absolutely brilliant--i felt so free and amazing! after ziplining, i explored monteverde a little more, and then made a kickass hostel dinner--pasta with tons of veggies, inc avocados! the avocs in costa rica are absolutely delicious!the next day was super crammed--i woke up early, caught the 615 bus to monteverde, went on a guided nature walk which was awesome--i saw the beautiful quetzals!!! also saw tons of birds, learned lots. my guide was super knowledgeable and passionate and spoke about global warming. we stopped by the hummingbird gardens which were really beautiful, as they were filled wtih the fluttering birds. after, i hiked alone which was an amazing and spiritual experience. i was completely alone, hiking, seeing beautiful animals and creatures (not even sure what a lot of it was). after, i went to the cheese factory (to get kickass coconut ice cream!), then got a terrific lunch at stella's (yum yum!), then went on a tour at the butterfly gardens (super interesting and beautiful), followed by a tour at the orchid gardens. it's amazing i still had energy to go out that night to hear michael play and drink pina coladas!

nature

hikes alone
guided tours
butterflies
frogs
ocean
transport hell
meeting new people
laughing at things that will only be funny tonight

costa rica, continued

wake up 530 am. eat yogurt and fruit.
take 615 bus to monteverde cloud forest reserve.
guided tour
go to hummingbird garden
walk around on own, in middle of nowhere
walk back, thinking
monteverde cheese factory for homemade coconut ice cream
stella's for lunch, one of the best sandwiches of my life
butterfly gardens--amazing
orchid gardens tour
run 90 minutes in the hills and beauty of costa rica--great views of penninsula de nicoya
eat more vegetariano casado--yum
going out with hostel friends to see band

life is good. life is exploring. life is learning about myself. life is learning about others. life is about experiencing and exploring and observing new cultures.

i can never stop traveling. i just wish luna was in my backpack, and t holding the toiletries in his bag. ;)

costa rica thus fa

transport hell
san jose prison

pura vida en monteverde
hiking
canopy
trees
swinging through a line 200 meters above the ground
too much fun
backpackers
being reminded who i am

i'm off to costa rica

i don't know where i'm going but i hope to have fun.

another reason to hate the superbowl

the commercials. i never get people who watch the superbowl for the commercials. what?!?! you good american consumer, you.

now did a really interesting examination of the images of women in superbowl ads. check it out.

there is no mr. cherie

i am on the mailing list for cabot cheese.

this is the point in the blog in which the vegans turn away, disgusted, and others think, "weird that she's on the mailing list for cabot cheese." i didn't mean to be, but am on it, and every so often, i get invited to cabot cheese events. i got invited to one at the end of the month at the marriott in brooklyn. free cheese, free brooklyn brewery (though i don't like beer; i'll just eat extra cheese), why not? so i'm rsvp'ing, and say, "there will be three of us."

the guy on the phone--who sounds as if he lives somewhere in the middle of the country says something about "your husband, mr. cherie." he uses my last name, but uses it as if it were not my own but some copy i adopted from my "husband" so i could show everyone that i'm property of someone else. wtf is up with women STILL doing that?!?! we are no longer property; we are our own people. and um, hate to break it to ya, but 50% of marriages end in divorce. anyway, i like my last name. i wish it didn't start with the letter Y (this means i'm one of the last people to leave the nyc marathon b/c my baggage truck is always the last) but it's unique and it's part of me.

i tried to nicely tell him, "you shouldn't assume that everyone takes their husband's name to demonstrate that they are property. i am not."

also, he was assuming that i was bringing my husband--what if it was my girlfriend? or my sister? or my best friend? i guess the crowd at cheese events would tend to be families, but have an open mind, people!

i have no cheese right now, so instead, i'll think about how rad my freedom is.

quote from THE SPIRIT OF THE MARATHON

sometimes the moments that challenge us the most define us.



oh so true.

Travel Quote

Without new experiences, something inside of us sleeps. The sleeper must awaken.

- Frank Herbert

This is why I travel...sometimes I forget about myself and the world and my goals, and it isn't until I'm out there that I remember: oh yes, there's a world besides my little box, my little cubicle and apartment and cat and rent and bills and running gels. there's so much more i want to indulge in.

sometimes, you need to do the things that aren't ordinary for you

i have been agonizing over where to go next. i had decided on turkey and morocco, but somehow, didn't feel excited about it. i was reading a lot of stuff that sounded interesting, but i keep being drawn to india...india is the #1 country i want to go to, followed by tibet, nepal...and then fiji and indonesia, amongst other places. i want to go to argentina, chile, peru...

so t and i had a talk, you know, that talk couples have after they've been together for a while. no, not the down-on-one-knee-talk; the practical talk. the i-need-to-figure-out-if-we-are- traveling-aka-celebrating-getting-married-so-i-don't-use-all-my-vacation-time-talk. oh, maybe it's not such a common talk.

anyway, so chances are good we'll be going to bali in dec. if not, well, then i'll go someplace for three weeks solo. i hope that we are celebrating our love by traveling around another country.

so i still have extra vacation time. i could totally wait for my race-filled next few months (march: sarasota half marathon; april: boston marathon; june: quebec marathon; july: jay ultramarathon challenge; november: nyc marathon; possibly also moab ultramarathon), and i do have burning man...but i kind of want to go someplace warm. plus i've been depressed and hating the winter.

so i randomly checked on expedia to see what the prices to costa rica were....without taxes, less than two hundred u.s. dollars!!! i think i have to go!

so i debated. i asked my mom if she would mind (i'd be yet again missing her birthday), "GO!" she was actually encouraging. t was a little miffed as he had wanted help--he'd be moving in while i was gone--but he ultimately thought i should go. everyone told me, "GO!"

i'm a huge planner; i spent MONTHS planning for my other trips. this is very different. this is spontaneous. if i had known, i would have spent more time brushing up on my spanish, staring at maps. instead, i just bought my lonely planet guidebook today, and i'm skipping novels for spanish textbooks and flashcards.

i'm so excited. this is huge....11 days in a spanish-speaking country, exploring rain forests and beautiful beaches and snorkeling and running and being alone...it's a little scary, but those are the things that make me grow.

tea

there is something very ritualistic for me about drinking tea. i don't like getting tea at a deli where there is no thought or preparation or love into it; i prefer to make it myself or go to a good tea shop. today was a lovely day for tea; i had a pot in the middle of the morning, straining the tea leaves as i poured into my cup, stirring the tea my friend brought me from london with sugar and milk. right now i am drinking a lovely vanilla rooibus with milk and sugar. i am enjoying the simple pleasures of a cup of tea.

i love how tea warms me so, all over...i love the simple preparation in stirring quality sugar into my cup, sipping, warming my hands. i love to make a pot of tea for a friend and i, to chat, to share stories and love, as we sip the world's most popular beverage (after water).

changing

i'm about to go through some major changes in my life. my partner of eight and a half years (including a year of instability) is moving into my decent-sized (for nyc; elsewhere, it would be considered small) apt. i guess i'm trying to figure out what i want out of life.

i know i don't want the traditional things. my little sister is engaged, having a big fairytale long island wedding next autumn, lives with her fiance who owns their house, is set up for an american dream lifestyle involving babies (at some point, not soon, i hope, because i'm not ready to watch home birthing videos)--and i'm really happy for her. i'm actually excited about throwing her a bridal shower/bachelorette party (well, really the bachelorette party b/c that is very untraditional and will be super fun; the bridal shower will involve a brunch and other sorts of fun). a lot of the traditions surrounding weddings seem rather antiquated these days.

i feel like my parents look at her and think she is doing the "right" thing. i wouldn't mind getting married, but when i think of getting married, i think, "what country would i go to to celebrate my occasion? what a great excuse for traveling!" my goals are different--a RTW in a few years, getting my books published (but they need a helluva lot of editing right now, which is what i'm doing, with special thanks to v), running more ultras, eventually doing 50 mile and 100 mile races...i don't know. i'm not sure if these are "acceptable" goals, but they're mine and i'm happy with them.

i'm going to live my life--writing, editing, running, reading, traveling, drinking good tea, loving...and enjoy it. i'm not going to listen to pressures, have people tell me i'm weird b/c i never want to own a car, have people tell me i'm destroying my knees, have people telling me NO...i won't listen to NO.

i will only listen to yes...my internal YES.

tired...running

too often, running breaks one down, crumpling into small pieces of themselves. i love running, but training for a marathon requires so much commitment. cara and i ran 18 miles today in the freezing cold (23 degrees, but "feels like" 6)--it was ridiculously cold and hard. i haven't run that much since training for the nyc marathon. i felt dizzy at times and it was so overwhelming and difficult. i'm grateful cara was there to push me...

but now, i'm am drained. i finished running hours ago. i have not done much today; made soup, ate, took a bath, did laundry, did some editing...and nothing else, really. it's not a school night and i could easily head out, but i'm too exhausted to move beyond the perimeter of my apartment which feels so cozy with candles, my kitty, and writing...

last night i went out with a really good old friend and we danced a little; his friends were amazed that i went out with them to a bar, danced, had a blast--all without drinking. i am fine not drinking, often don't feel like it, but part of training for a race is not drinking.

the cold...i cannot deal with it. i am thinking of purchasing a plane ticket to either someplace in central america for a week and just being away from the cold...if i could fine cheap fares, i'm leaving!

observations

There are all these generically pretty girls--you know the type. They have the look--stylish (or at least presentably pretty) clothes--even if it's their only thing like it in their wardrobe. They seem pretty enough--they're the kind of girl that asks way too often while peering intensely into the nearest mirror, calling over her shoulder to her boyfriend (because she's never a lesbian, and if she's bi, it was just for that threesome once--which doesn't count), "Do you think I'm pretty?" and he'll answer all exasperated like he always does, "Of course, yes!"

These girls are the apple pie smile of Middle America yet when you look close, you'll notice something's off--with all of them. (They often travel in packs so scrutiny of many at once is quite possible.) One will have overdyed hair that does not match her skin colour, another's nose is too big (and with a slight bump--oh, how she hates looking in the mirror), another has only old hand-me-downs and cheap, unstylish clothes--but they all look very pretty, very "American" pretty--at first glance, but you soon see the truth:

They're merely average.

from the mouth of t

"mitt? what kind of name is mitt? we can't have our president be named mitt? what kind of name is mitt?"

my response to t: "it's the name of an asshole."

an anti-woman asshole.

i don't want any

the past few days, due to some health issues, i've been ordered on bed rest. it's been nice. i've read a lot, learned who some of my real friends are, ate a lot of soup (thanks Mom & Cara), slept a ton, spent quality time with Luna, wrote V some pretty fabulously long letters, chatted on the phone, dreamed and plotted about travel, talked with trish about jewelry, spent some time with my fam and too much time in doctor's offfices. it's been quite hard, actually.

when trish was over last night, she kept yelling at me, "stay still! you're not supposed to be moving around!" it's really hard for me to not run around all over the place--that's just how i am. today i worked at home and it was actually with enthusiasm that i tackled my work (i missed work last monday afternoon, all thursday, and friday half days). i had some interesting tasks and focused quite well.

post-work, i realized i needed to get yogurt, and since i'm picky about the yogurt i like (brown cow lowfat vanilla yogurt), i didn't want to ask someone else to go to the store on my behalf, and i'm almost okay...so i walked to the store to get it.

i saw all of the things i had missed (or rather, not missed!) the past few days...the hipsters...the way the hood is changing...construction of stores...trash on streets...and i missed the comfort of my bed...

it made me realize there are things i don't want and i am not going to take it. i'm not going to do things i don't want. i know after t moves in, it will be blamed on the fact that i am devoting all my time to him...but that's not it at all. i am spending time alone, doing what i want, and this is how i want to live my life.

to write, to run, to dream, to travel, to be...

to be me.

some small steps to saving the earth

not sure where to recycle eyeglasses, printer cartridges, or mobile phones? check out here.

some local supermarkets (including whole foods in new york city) recycle batteries, plastic bags, and other objects.

RECYCLE! REUSE, REDUCE, and RECYCLE!

too disturbing

this is a time when i want to bang my head against my desk and cry.

what is the message of this article? complain after being raped, and members of the marines (yes, defenders of our country) will murder you.

disgusting. disturbing. i cannot believe misogyny and hatred like this still exists.

this is why i consider thich nhat hanh to be my teacher

"Recommendation"
by Thich Nhat Hanh

Promise me, promise me this day,
promise me now,
while the sun is shining above
exactly at zenith, promise me
even if people crush you
under a mountain of hatred and violence,
even if they walk on your life
and crush you like a caterpillar,
even if they amputate you,
disembowel you,
remember, brother,
man is not our enemy.
Only your compassion and
your loving kindness are invincible,
and without limit.
Hatred can never respond
to the beastlines in humankind.
One day when you are by yourself
facing cruelty,
your courage intact,
your calm eyes full of love,
even if no one knows of your smile,
blossoming as a flower in solitude and great pain,
those who love you will still see you
while traveling through a thousand worlds
of birth and death.
Alone again, I will go on
with my head bent down,
knowing that love has become eternal.
And on the long and difficult road,
the light of the sun and the moon
is still there
to guide my steps.



This is something that is quite intense to practice on; my mind will be full for a long time with these thoughts. Thank you, Thich Nhat Hanh.

i hate the u.s.'s health insurance policies

okay, why the fuck should only the rich be fully covered? everyone should have the right to being healthy--not just the employed or the rich. i do have insurance via my job but i shouldn't have to pay $32.79 for my uterus--that should be free!!

something i loved in oslo, norway

you may say i'm a dreamer...but i'm not the only one

i'm trying to finalize some upcoming travel plans...i have planned on going to turkey and morocco right after the boston marathon but t moving in complicates things...we want to go away at some point for a big, ahem, celebration, AND i'm going to burning man, and running an ultramarathon in vermont, and possibly another in moab and a marathon in boston (duh) and possibly a marathon in quebec...so i need to figure out if i can manage all my few vacation days.

*sigh*

too fun

sitting at home, sipping wine on an empty stomach, writing, laughing, with my cat, my comfy clean home, happy, knowing food will be on its way soon...

i am happy to be alive.

new year's resolutions

new year's resolutions are stupid unless you intend to keep them and they are realistic. like those, "i'm going to lose 100 pounds" ones are pretty pointless. as if you are going to stop watching teevee six hours a day, go to the gym daily, and eat only superfoods--c'mon america!

my new year's resolutions are:

1. be more productive at work (which will hopefully end up with a promotion--woohoo!)
2. stretch more before and after running to prevent injury;
3. strength train to strengthen my muscles to prevent injury;
4. cross train to give my legs some rest and prevent injury;
5. eat less sweets. notice i didn't say i'm giving up all sweets; i won't buy packaged cookies and will resist sweets wherever and whenever possible, and will try to incorporate natural sweeteners like agave nectar into my baked goods.
   
6. eat less. my portion sizes have been getting very american. of course when i'm training for a marathon, this gets thrown out the window. (when i run 23 miles, i burn 2300 calories, and my regular intake of 2000 calories means i'm going to feel faint if i don't eat more than normal!)
7. exercise luna. this is the only resolution i am not very confident about. luna is lazy. imagine if you took sleeping pills all the time...you wouldn't be very active. this is what my cat is like. she sleeps, lies around, eats, begs for food, cleans herself.
   

happy new year!

i am so glad there are other women out there speaking up

i'm lucky enough to be in a committed relationship for the risk of rape is much lower. yes, most women are raped by people they know (are dating, are friends with, whatever)--to this i can testify. sure, it can happen when you're not dating someone, but date rape is way too common. way too fucking common.

too many rapists are out there in this city. this post brought up a lot of older memories, and i'm so glad she spoke out about this. it's so hard to. by the way, one in four women is raped; you probably know more than one.

just a reminder: the yoga sutras

By cultivating attitudes of friendliness towards the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind stuff retains its undisturbed calmness.



This is how I try to live my life.

how to live your life

I was just writing an email to a friend, talking about how I've made life decisions regarding things that may not be healthy for you. i've realized certain times i do things or spend time with people i may not like or that may not be healthy for me...those are things i cannot continue to do. for instance, only on certain occasions do i enjoy hanging out with large groups of people, so why am i doing it?

i think too often we do things b/c we feel obligated--we need to learn how to say no. your new years resolution should be to do what you want to do and what is good for you.

purity

i consider myself to be a running purist. i never wear headphones when i run. i do wear them at the gym (which is appalling tedious, in my opinion; music alleviates the boredom as i cross-train and strength-train to prevent injury), but never when i'm running.

why do i need headphones when i'm running? running itself and the scenery (although it is not always lovely, as i am a runner in new york city) captivates my interest. i am entertained by the very act of running.

but no, that's not all running is to me. running is also a place for me to clear my mind, to meditate. my old roommate didn't think running was a form of meditation; my buddhist landlord and i argued to her that it was where i cleared my mind. i do sitting meditation, but for me, i feel a lot better about things after a run. running is where i am able to make decisions, where i am able to clear everything out of my head, and just run. just be.

run.

the kind of traveler i am

although i call myself a travel cherie, i do love travel betty.

albert einstein quote

"All the knowledge in the world is not wisdom."

this way

i hate feeling so sad for no reason, for not wanting anything, for wanting to just be solitary, wanting to cry, curl up and not have anything to do with the world.

Word of the day

Buddheaucratic.

When Buddhism is forced to become bureaucratic to survive.

Fabulous feminism

I love Girlistic mag. Read it all here.

Still, it continues...

My god…how can it go on?

Sad story of the day.

to travel to?

el camino de santiago
guatemala
costa rica
belize
argentina
chile
peru
cuba
egypt
turkey

too many places....

what's the dealio?

so lately, i've been super swamped. i've been working too much, not running enough or working out, holiday shopping like crazy, and making people gifts. this week i have a department holiday lunch, job holiday lunch, running friends holiday dinner (the latter two in the same day!), plus a ton of cookies to bake!

i guess the other thing that's going on is i'm feeling ambivalent about future travel plans. i was all set to go to turkey and egypt and suddenly am not really feeling it...i'm not sure why. i want to go but at the same time, i'm a little nervous going alone, and am wondering, "should i go someplace i want to go more?"

the thing is, in 2-5 years (depending on money and life situations), i plan on traveling extensively. that means, quitting my job (which i actually really like, though it does not pay very well), giving up my apt, and traveling for a year or so--central and south america, and asia, and hopefully australia/new zealand. after that point, i might be taking a big move (depending upon t--we could move to ecuador or australia, who knows?).

so should i go someplace i'll have the opportunity to go to in a few years? i will plan on going to so many places, so maybe i should go to one of those places...the question is, which one? i don't feel like going to asia...i'm drawn most to central or south america...turkey and egypt still seem interesting, but i don't know...something in me isn't making me want to run there.

advice?

i had a wonderful dream last night

i had run two marathons in the same day; i was almost done with my last one (and it was actually more like an ultramarathon). i was feeling pretty tired, but okay otherwise. i was about to eat a gel and running with this nice guy. cara was behind me and i told her not to sit on the couch or she'd never get up.

but i know i'm a runner because i was SO happy in this dream--running two marathons in the same day could be fun!!!

like back in the days

about a hundred years ago, the second person i loved broke up with me. we had a tearful breakup after fooling around in his parents' bed (i know!), and he said, "it must be. we must end this." i was crying, pleading, doing all those sorts of things you do when your heart is being broken. as we got into his parents' car to drive me home (from NJ to my parents' on LI), he put a smiths tape in the cassette player and said, "we have to listen to the smiths." i wanted him to turn it off, but he refused. it was the most miserable ride of my life home, and i cried the entire way, hating the smiths.

since then, i have never listened to the smiths (no surprise). it was always associated with a painful and teary breakup. recently, at a friend's house, the smiths came onto the ipod during shuffle play. i remembered, yes, the smiths fucking rule! so i got a cd at the library, and am now once again enjoying them. yes, a little depressing at times, but i can finally appreciate the beauty of the songs.

snow

it's our first snowfall of the year. i woke up at 730am so i could get a good workout in (7 mile run, lifting weights at the gym, half hour on the cross-trainer) before the snow started. it started hours earlier than it was supposed to. i ran quickly but carefully on the white streets, taking care not to slip, enjoying the sound of snow falling..so many people were inside missing one of the few times that my neighborhood in brooklyn looks pretty...i truly got to appreciate it.

because beauty is in everyone...

i recognize that people are beautiful from the inside...and i have seen beautiful people of all races, sizes, ages, abilities, classes, religions, nationalities, etc...but the idea of having miss landmine strikes me as rather odd, and i'm not sure i'm a huge fan...i'm not a fan of any kind of beauty pageants (because why do we need to judge women on beauty) and this could be seen as fetishization...what do you think?

thanksgiving quote

You are to join your family in the American tradition of killing a bird and eating it because some people "discovered" this land they called America. You know, the land of the free.
--My friend's teacher

because sometimes it's nice to reflect on how fantastic it is to be in love

what did the course look like?

no pretty music, though heaps of screaming crowds (save the bridge, LIC, Hasidic Jewish Williamsburg)

i can't believe i did this!

bouncing souls quote

revolution on tv--
that's a bunch of shit to me--
they don't know about you or me--
know your enemy!

they don't know about you or me
no matter what they say about me
they don't know about you or me
know your enemy!

mile 18

"The truth is that running hurts."
Unknown

this made me cry

ordinary, sedentary people run a marathon

i was absolutely bawling during the last video clip, but watch the whole thing.

a memory, from nine years ago

Now I’m sitting on the fire escape behind our lounge of the 12^th floor—scary looking down. Just funny the way your legs feel, as if the ground is about to disappear and you are about to fall. Anything to escape the truth.

definitions

So I had an IT band injury;I still do, it's slightly hurting. I mentioned having a problem with it to a friend and he wrote:

One day you can explain what an ITBand is. It sounds like something you
put round your vagina area. Does it have an easy-access flap?

Iliotibial band is a thick, fascial layer that runs from the iliac crest of the pelvis to the knee joint and is occasionally inflamed as a result of excessive running.

So, no, there isn't an easy-access flap.

don't you remember?

i was so excited to have all this lovely free time this morning--i slept late, did an intense ab workout, ate some oat bran, went to the library, the farmers' market, and was coming from the gym, tired, when some hipster guy totally started staring at me, and i thought, "maybe my skin is clearing up?" (which it is--i had two big zits on friday and they are going away now.) and then i hear my full name--"cheryl ----" and i'm thinking, "who is it?" only my family and coworkers and old friends call me cheryl; most of my friends call me cherie and for someone to address me by my first and last name was unusual as well. i turned around and it was the hipster guy.

"it's me. justin. justin."

i can't lie in my face; this was a criticism of me at work. so it was obvious with the blank look in my face i had no clue who this justin creature was.

"justin. from high school. justin...remember? alysa?" now i knew two alysas and i was trying to place him. i couldn't. for some reason, the only thing i could remember was that justin (who i knew, i must have) was a year younger than me.

"oh yeah...hi...justin..." i said weakly. i shifted my bag of produce from the farmers' market to my other hand.

"how have you been?"

"oh...good..."

now, i hated high school. currently, i speak to one person from my high school, and that person happens to be my little sister. recently, facebook connected me with two old friends, but i have not seen them since high school. high school was painful, horrible, cruel and i blocked a lot of it out. i have no desire to reconnect with people from my high school, and i somehow happily missed my 10 year high school reunion. yeah, i'm that old. wow, i can't believe it's been 10 years since i graduated.

"how long have you lived here? i've lived here a while," he asked me. who was this guy? i must know him, though i see a little grey at his temples. are we that old already?

"ummm, i moved here in 2000, left, moved back..."

"oh wow...well, listen, i am running late and i'm sure you're busy so i'll see you around. i saw you before and kept thinking it was you and now i know...bye..."

"bye..."

a few blocks later i ran into one of my best friend's brother's boyfriend and we had a lovely chat and as i left christopher, i thought, "now that was lovely."

later, while sauteeing garlic and onion for pumpkin soup, i remembered: little ska boy, i think he likes the bouncing souls too (i remember him having a bs t-shirt), i think checkered vans maybe...

funny how things come back...

how lovely it feels...

...to finally have time! the past two nights, i've gone out late with my friends! friends i have not seen in way too long! i've drank (oh yummy!), relaxed, read, baked, cooked (just made pumpkin soup, oh-so-delish-mah-tish), and i even slept until 11am today!! i feel like a normal person. tomorrow, brunch! a life not revolved around running is full of much more time, and i'm really enjoying it...

funniest thing i heard during the nyc marathon

in brooklyn, along lafayette: RUN, MOTHERFUCKERS, RUN

i was running with a bunch of european guys at this point, and this french and belgium guy were both laughing hysterically, saying, "yes, this is brooklyn."

yes, it is.

yesterday's nyc marathon

so yesterday's new york city marathon was mostly fun. while i did improve my nyc time from last year, i did not live up to my potential.

the race started out well. i started about 24 or 26 seconds after the official start, and began running steady sub-eight minute miles. i was feeling really great, and wouldn't let myself push b/c i knew i needed all the energy i could get. brooklyn was beautiful; my favorite borough cheered their hearts out and i loved them for it. it got tougher, but i didn't let my pace go and felt great.

until

until the bronx. i started getting dizzy in the bronx, and fell off pace. instead of running sub-eight minute miles, on target (for so long!) for a 3:25, i got incredibly dizzy. nothing would help. i felt as if i were in a fog and i only wanted the race to end. i ended up running an extra twenty minutes slower. my parents were screaming my name but i couldn't even hear them; i just wanted to die. i was happy cara and crista did not make it to the end; i didn't want to see anyone.

immediately after crossing the finish line, i collapsed from dizziness. i never felt so dizzy. volunteers pulled me up and dragged me along. they put me on a stretcher and took me to the medical tent where i rested for a while.

and now, i'm so sad i didn't fulfill my potential--i could taste victory for oh-so-long--but i know i have it in me. next time...next time...

overall, my time wasn't terrible. i was in the top 1200 women, top 350 for my age, and top 7200 overall. still, i know i could do so much more.

but now, i'm so sore, tired...and drinking and eating way more than imaginable.

tomorrow...

is the nyc marathon. i'm nervous, butterflies in the stomach, headachey, scared...but excited!

you're not my friend

i don't get it--people i was never friends with--or we even maintained a very clear dislike of each other--or people who i had a falling out with--or a falling away from--requesting me to be their friend on facebook or myspace. i can understand if we drifted and you send me a message and a friend request--totally, jamillah, i'm so psyched that we are again in touch. but it's really starting to annoy me that people that clearly did not like me years ago suddenly feel it's necessary to request me as a friend. why? if you want to be my friend, make an effort. you don't. you just want a number.

i don't need you as a connection.

counting down...

to the nyc marathon! it's sunday, november 4th, and i am SO excited!!!! i'll start carb-loading soon--YAY!

a song that is oh-so-true

Fools in love, well are there any other kind of lovers?
Fools in love, is there any other kind of pain?

Everything you do, everywhere you go now
Everything you touch, everything you feel
Everything you see, everything you know now
Everything you do, you do it for your lady
Love your lady, love your lady
Love your lady, love...

Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic?
Fools in love, never knowing when they've lost the game

Everything you do, everywhere you go now
Everything you touch, everything you feel
Everything you see, everything you know now
Everything you do, you do it for your lady
Love your lady, love your lady
Love your lady, love...

Fools in love they think they're heroes
'Cause they get to feel no pain
I say fools in love are zeros
I should know, I should know
Because this fool's in love again

Fools in love, gently hold each others hands forever
Fools in love, gently tear each other limb from limb

Everything you do, everywhere you go now
Everything you touch, everything you feel
Everything you do, even your rock 'n' roll now
Nothing mean a thing except you and your lady
Love your lady, love your lady
Love your lady, love...

Fools in love they think they're heroes
'Cause they get to feel no pain
I say fools in love are zeros
I should know, I should know
Because this fool's in love again

"Fools in Love"--Inara George

i can't get that song out of my head: i can't get no satisfaction

because this is my story, too, and maybe even your story


in college, i was really involved with take back the night. take back the night is a night where women can walk around free from sexual assault and rape--because the night is when most women are assaulted or raped. this is something that is very important to me--and let me clarify that while women are often attacked and raped by strangers, most of the rapes that occur are by someone they know. nearly three-quarters of rapes are committed by someone who knows the victim.

my problem is i let people in too much. maybe this has happened to you too. i trust too much. but this isn't about me. this is about someone else.

someone i know had been raped--the details are hers, and i will not share that. in fact, i am only sharing this part because it hurts me so bad--so bad. this woman heard a song during the rape. it was horrible. it was a sexist song that has a good tune, the kind of song you sing along to in a bar. and i will never be able to hear that song without wanting to throw up. without feeling unsafe. without feeling in pain. without wanting to cry.

and so, whoever you are out there, i hate you. you have hurt a million women but your karma and your heart will hurt a million times more.

a memory

running this morning through williamsburg, a school bus passed me, the door open and a woman leaning into the bus talking with the driver, a memory came up:

i never took the late bus.

what does this mean?

in my high school, you got out at 2:56. you hustled to your locker, got your books you needed, sweater, and headed for the bus. if you were late (they left about 10 minutes later or so), you had to call your mom or walk home. most days, i ended up just staying for track, so i would get done with that around 4:30 or so.

but sometimes, in between track season or when i didn't have play practice or a club meeting, maybe i'd hang out in the yearbook room chatting. i'd wait until 4:05, just after the late bus left.

"you JUST missed the late bus! cher, you NEVER take the late bus."

and there was a reason. that's where kids got beat up, and the really mean people who taunted me took it. i was afraid to take it.

i hated high school. my memories still cause me to shudder...

it's hard to believe how much pain another person could cause you, but high school is full of pain. i don't look back. it's no wonder i'm not in touch with anyone from my high school, save my sister.

something to help you pass the weekend

why i could never be a right-winger: the things they say are so insipid and irrelevant that they are hilarious!

a war monger at saturday's anti-war protest (to a passing cyclist): that's right, keep on biking like the good communist you are.

what!??!?!

tired...running

i just came home from a 20 miler not too long ago. i haven't run 20 miles since before jay (and at jay i did 33 miles)--so it's been a month and a half since i've done any runs longer than 16 miles. i'm not sure what it was today, but i had SUCH a tough run today. mentally, i was so not ready, though i was excited. however, i got dizzy, had stomach issues. running around downtown nyc, past the artists and the stockbrokers and the hippies and the tourists and the lovers and the kids playing catch and the grandmas smoking tiny cigarettes and people eating delicious avocado sandwiches...i tried so hard to appreciate everything, but it was so hard. i ended up making lists in my head of good things about nyc, and practicing tonglen so i wouldn't suffer in my misery. but oh, how hard. i need to get back into it. i have a marathon in a month and a half, and an ultra, oh, sometime in nov or dec.

yay

i just registered for the boston marathon!

enough said

how things really are

"what have you been up to?"

it's nice to see friends you haven't seen in a while, but i hate seeing people i haven't seen in a while and they ask, "so what have you been up to?" they expect a real solid answer: "well, i got married, got my phd, gave birth to three children, am now a goat farmer subsisting on soy protein and carrots." my answer is much more boring than that. "not much. working at a women's nonprofit as a librarian, running."

"that's it?"

what do they want from me? i'm living, struggling to do my thing day to day. mondays, if i'm able, i head to yoga after work (and i work 9-530, at least, so it's not like i have loads of free time). tuesdays, running class. wednesdays, radical cheerleading. thursdays, dinner with friends, shows, whatever's going on. fridays, well, that's up in the air. saturday mornings, long runs, several hours long. sundays, races. a lot of it is running, and that never seems like an acceptable answer. people don't care about running. i do, and my running friends do. but sometimes, my real answer seems too boring for them.

summer is coming to a close

and i am filled with sadness.

what backpack gives you privilege?

For any male who thinks that feminism isn’t necessary, who thinks that women and men are treated equally in our society…See this link: MALE PRIVILEGE!

if you aren't me, don't tell me what to do

i've been running for fifteen years. i know my body well. i know my legs well. i know the tightness that starts, the burning, before an exercise-induced asthma attack occurs. i know that i tend to get shin splints when i need to replace my shoes. i know i have a good stride, and i know when i need to lengthen it. i know which sports bras are good for 20 mile slow runs, and which ones are good for racing a half marathon. i know my body.

so i hurt my knee. injuries happen. it's probably a result of not taking off enough time (i'm an addict and i hate taking off time after marathons!), but i strained my IT band. it's on the side of my knee (and those who always are obsessed with me ruining my knees: worry about your own knees, okay?), and like a smart woman, i am taking it easy: lots of ice, sensible shoes, staying off it as much as possible.

so i'm sick of people telling me how to stop running, what to do. i'm depressed b/c i'm injured, yes, but i am cross-training and resting. i'm smart. i know how to handle myself, and i'll leave you alone to handle yourself. i don't need the clerk in some store telling me i shouldn't be running a marathon in three months...

you'd only know what i mean if you have ever been in love

you know the feeling, right? when your breath catches in your throat when a certain thought goes through your head? when you stare at the ad for continuing education on the subway, a large smile on your face, but you're not thinking of that, you're thinking of something that makes you sparkle. or the pain--the absolute pain, the pressure in your chest, when you are waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and you know that only love can torture you in such a way.

My practice

"I've always felt running is a form of meditation. Running enables us to stop our lives, to go out and find a safe place for ourselves."
--Nina Kuscsik

becoming more and more of an obsession

lately, running has been becoming more and more of an obsession...and i've been getting better at it. today i ran my fastest half marathon by far--1:37:17. as i crossed the finish line, despite the fact that i pr'd by over 8 minutes, i started crying--because if you run under 1:37 you automatically qualify for the nyc marathon and half marathon. rich told me i should still qualify, that it just needs to be under 1:37:59, but we'll see.

i think the clock was off for the second mile, because according to it, i fell 40 seconds off pace. i got really despondent and my third mile was slower, but then i began picking it up, and kept going...and it's my home turf, i think of it--i run hill repeats from the west side up north and around...and i run along the west side highway a lot, so i really felt like i knew the course.

we woke up at 435am to eat a toasted bagel with peanut butter and a bit of jam, stretch, drink h20 and head to the start. in the nyc half, you do a bit more than a loop in central park, and then you run down 7th ave, across 42nd st through times square, and down the west side highway. i surprised myself at how fast i ran, and was ecstatic at my progression. the race is really fun!

here's to more running...er, i'm raising a water bottle (or gatorade!)

my first ultramarathon!

i finished my first ultramarathon--the jay challenge. it was only 7 miles beyond a marathon, but it was a million times harder. the day felt so long and so hurt and so crammed, yet it was (for me), only 8 hours and 39 minutes of running fun.

running it (see photo, from left to right) was cara, me, erin, rich, dennis, and mark! fun fun FUN!

the race began by running up a steep incline and a rush into the woods. cara warned me that you had to go out FAST or you'd get stuck behind slow people once things went single file. we ran fast up, and then got to a part where you had to pull yourself up with a rope. it went steep up and really steep down, on windy trails with bad footing. i was running at a decent pace, including through muddy, muddy trails. my shoe ended up getting sucked up by the mud early on and my sock got muddy and then i put my socked foot back into my shoe and it was quite gross. still, it was kind of fun. people were backing off, but i knew i would be muddy--and thrived. "yay!" my leg kept sinking into the mud, and i quickly had mud above my knees.

then the brook section. we ran in brooks for a total of around 3-4 miles--and it was SO hard. i can't even say that i ran in the brook. i stumbled through them, grabbing onto rocks and sliding around. i smacked my legs and knees, cursing the slipperiness of the rocks and the rapidness of the water at points and the steepness of waterfalls--yet i welcomed and thoroughly enjoyed the coolness of the water, which, as cara and rich had promised, soothed my aching calves. i was exhausted quickly, and the brook twisted and turned and if i had seen where we exited the brook it would have been SO demoralizing--it was that far. i got passed by SO many people, it was hard for me to bear it.

as i exited the street, i told myself, "you are not strong in the brook; that's okay. you are strong at running. you're not exceptional at uphills and find downhills challenging; run as hard as you can wherever it's flat." and so i did--that was my strategy. my main goal was to finish uninjured and i was fearful of an injury if i went out too hard in an area where i wasn't full comfortable with racing--like sprinting through the brook.

i changed my socks at aid station number two, and chomped on some pretzels and gummybears. i began running uphill, as long as i could, until i began walking when it got too steep. i ended up chatting with different runners, as we huffed and puffed (while walking!) up the steep mountain. it was SO difficult and at times, i struggled just to keep walking. everyone was walking, even the guy that won (not that i necessarily saw him as he was so far in front of me!).

at the top of jay peak (which is a place where people usually ski, not run), t met me and filled my water bottles. i drank some gatorade, ate some shot blocs and salty pretzels and oranges, and gave a kiss and began running/stumbling downhill. i'm a bit fearful of downhills, so i ran/stumbled/walked rather conservatively, and enjoyed the solitude. cara told me it was a spiritual experience for her to run this race, and it truly was. i enjoyed running alone and felt so amazing.

at the bottom, it was more running through the woods, stream running, and i was utterly exhausted. at one point, i had to scramble up a steep dirt incline and smashed my knee against a tree root and my knee started bleeding. another runner, seeing me in pain, helped me up the hill--"here, hold this tree, and hold my hand." i thank him, whoever he is, again. the runners at this race were beautiful, beautiful people.

the brook running continued, being hard. the trails were narrow, muddy, and often i was bushwacking. i still have the scratches all over to prove it. two sections of brook running later, we ran more, swam across a stream, and came to a river with a rope. i refused the rope and backstroked across the river, laughing, panting. it was the hardest thing i've done, but SO fun!!!! i also ran through a beaver section where the ground was mucky mud below my feet and the grass was chin-high. ugh!

at the next aid station, i changed my socks and shoes, ate some lots of blueberries (yum!!), took electrolyte pills (thanks mark!), refilled the water, and knew that the last was the easiest (besides the sand dune!). i ran uphill for what seemed like forever, chatting with a guy from AZ who arranged his family vacation around his ultramarathons! yay!

t met me again at one of the final aid stations where i gorged myself on salty potatoes and gatorade. next time, i'll try heed. less than five miles...

the five miles were fairly easy. muddy, windy trails and i kept going. and going. i was passing all these people who were walking--we were almost there! i had a chance of being under 9 hours! i was going to finish! i was beyond thrilled!

i passed the race director--he told me it was had taken him 32 minutes to walk to where i was running--which meant i would def beat 9 hours! i was so happy!

it began raining and lightning and thundering. "i am finishing this thing!" i ran as fast as i could, though i was exhausted.

when i came towards the finish line, i began to get a little emotional, and tears filled my throat. i raised my arms, running slowish down the hill (the grass was slippery from the rain and it was a downhill and the last thing i wanted to do was slide on my ass down the hill to the finish!) to my friends cheering! i did it! i survived the jay challenge in 8 hours 39 minutes!

...and i'll be back next year!

jay challenge

i'm running the jay challenge this saturday. wish me luck--i'm SO scared!

jack kerouac quote

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn......."

she said

she said, it's been a lot hot day. a sweaty day. the kind of day where things just hum along as you scrub and scour and sweep and dust and vacuum and give the cat a flea bath and answer old post and finally pay those bills and smile at your neighbors and wonder when the last time you were able to just relax on the couch, watching the sunset while you curled up, petting the cat, sipping herbal tea, and just breathing. sometimes you need that time. sometimes, sometimes, you need to just be.

marriage means gifts

my sister got engaged and i'm trying to find a nice gift for her. i've been looking for this since they got engaged two or so weeks ago. i wanted to do something rad, like get them canoing lessons or something, but she lives with her fiancee down in the south and i really don't know what would be the best. so i've been hopelessly shopping. my mom has given me the most pathetic ideas--"how about candlestick holders?" maybe she would like that, but that is SO far removed from my idea of a good gift i could never possibly get it.

so i'm looking online to try to get something they would like and it never fails to astound me the expensive shit that they sell...crystal wine bottle holder...random decorations and expensive platters. and i'm totally disgusted at the waste of money for these things--i mean, there are people who haven't eaten in days and who are dying right now with nothing and to buy some of these gifts seems totally superfluous and excessive. at the same time, they are carefully advertised, and you think, "oh i wish i had that..." it's interesting at the way advertising tries to fuck with your brains.

anyway i just thought of a sweet gift to get her, i just have to find out the perfect version of it. i want to give her a gift to celebrate the fact that she and her boyfriend are in love and are committing themselves to a lifetime of loving each other--which is a very sweet notion--because THAT is what marriage is about, not a fancy wedding and all this bullshit society tries to convince us it is about.

my sister doesn't read this blog much, but if you are reading liss, your gift is coming and will be selected with love in celebration of love.

i run fast

i never think of myself as a fast runner. the last race i did, a 4 miler, i ran over the 59th street bridge too and didn't think i ran exceptionally fast. however, i finished in the top 1.9% of women runners, and in the top 18% overall...too bad i never medal, but i still had fun.

oh my

i'm really becoming an ultrarunner; i'm starting to lose my toenails. :(

there is confetti all over my apartment.
there is glitter all over my life.

now that you're gone

you've left your toothbrush behind
and
i hope you won't mind
but i stared at it
thinking of you
i picked it up, rinsed, applied toothpaste
using it
using your toothbrush
which kissed your mouth
thinking, "this is the closest i shall get right now
to kissing you."

the #1 reason why i love roosevelt island for running

water flying through the air!

roosevelt island is one of the few places in nyc with sprinklers on their lawns, plus they have several playgrounds with those water sprinkler things that kiddies run through! this is relief on a hot day's run!

running in 90 heat and too much sunshine

i forgot to put sunblock on and now i totally have a sports bra tan. ah well. only ran 10 miles today, which feels more relaxing after running 23 yesterday.

some things i saw on my run today include:

• a woman knitting in a lounge chair alongside the east river
• a grandma tanning in a very teeny tiny bikini
  

growing up

my baby sister is engaged and getting married. she has a very different life than i do--lives in a nice suburban house with all sorts of nice normal suburban things--but still, this really clues me in that she is an adult. oh no, wait, if she's an adult and younger than me...i must be an adult.

parties wearing fairy wings and trips to the middle east--are those for adults?

they're for me!

this is what you do

this is what you do on that kind of saturday.

you get up early enough, eat a half of a bagel (carbs) with peanut butter (some protein), pull on your wicking underwear, running skirt, wicking sports bra, running socks, running sneakers, sweatband. pull your hair into buns, top with a visor, sunglasses. sunscreen on shoulders. strap on fuel belt, and out the door. run through williamsburg--move it, hipster, cherie's on a roll. over the williamsburg bridge. through the lower east side, passing signs in chinese. through trendy soho. greenwich village. up along the west side highway. pass slower runners. pass walkers. get passed by cyclists, fast runners, bladers. refill water bottles with cold water from the fountain. run faster, north. pass people doing tai chi along the river, people tanning along the river, drinking iced coffees and explaining that they don't love him anymore they can't imagine where they should go otherwise. i run faster, sucking gels out of their goo packets every forty-five minutes, ingesting salt packets and ginger chews when my body requests them. alongside riverside drive...so beautiful. turn around when i'm far north enough...running south, when i run into an old coworker from the naropa library. we run together, chatting, catching up. she leaves me at 72nd, i continue south to 59th, then cross town, across the bottom of the park (passing the stinking sad horse carriages that the tourists love to amuse themselves with), over on the east side, then up on the queensboro bridge, oh, the steep include, and up up up. eat sports beans. drink water. it's in the 80s, sunny, i'm hot. over the bridge. faster. then down, into queens. i hate the pollution. run slow, feeling tired legs, exhaustion. tell myself, "cherie, you are not walking. it is only going to get harder in vermont. in the brook. and when you are running, you tell yourself, 'you are strong.' cherie, you are strong. you are running. you are a runner. think of good things, like bathtubs and comfy beds and lovers and food and cats. think of good things. keep going." through l.i.c., and over the pulaski. don't get stuck up, drawbridge. over. and to my block, and yes, yes, yes, i am finished.

i have succeeded.

another 23 miles under my belt--it only makes me stronger.

sicko

i saw michael moore's new movie, sicko. it really blew me away--i think it's probably his best. it's about the flawed health care system in the u.s., and how the insurance companies care more about profit than your health, and when they don't cover things, they profit, and you suffer. he also makes some pretty strong cultural comparisons--he shows the health care systems in canada, uk, france, and cuba, and it's pretty dismal to see how horribly americans are treated. all people should have health care. you shouldn't have to be rich to have good health--everyone should be able to have good health.

one of the comparisons that struck me most is between a family in denver and a golfer in canada. in denver, the parents (after suffering serious health problems, including three heart attacks (for the father) and cancer (for the mother), have no money and are forced to move into their daughter's spare bedroom. they are so upset to have to sell their home to cover their bills and it's really awful. the son (who lives across town from the daughter who they'll be living with) is 27 and really reams out his parents for having to move in with their kids. it's not him they're living with, but he feels like he should make them feel awful for having health problems that force them to move in with their child in their fifties. several scene later, a canadian golfer who qualifies himself as conservative says, "everyone should have health insurance." he basically talks abt how if someone doesn't have money, we should help them--that's the way it should be.

i thought that really captured a cultural difference very neatly. how sad.

what i've been up to lately

i love summertime. it's my favourite season. even as my kneepits are sweaty on this sultry summer evening, i'm so happy. running is fun--sports bras and shorts (or running skirts!). crazy street parties. block parties. ice cream. italian ices. free concerts. last week i saw superchunk, manu chao and bob dylan--all outdoors. i went to the beach. i went to a rooftop party.

this weekend, i'll be running 22 miles, going to the kickass danger party, going to the beach. add a trip to the farmer's market to snag some strawberries before the season ends, read on the grass. maybe do some organizing of stuff in my house, some writing. should be fun.

we're so far behind

thanks to andrew for sending me this link that shows which countries have not yet adopted the metric system.

i'm so sick of hating my body

i wonder, how much time do men focus on hating their body? i'm talking, full on hating. staring in a store window as they pass, thinking, "i really have got to start working out at the gym more" or "my hair looks awful" or "i look like shit, everyone must know." really, how much time? why do women spend so much time hating themselves?

i hate these generalization articles about self-image and eating disorders and that sort of shit, and i know all women do not feel that way, and in fact, i generally consider myself pretty happy with how i look. but for some reason lately, i've either been gaining weight in my tummy or i'm bloated (it may be a combination of both) but whenever i zipper up a formally comfortable skirt to find it snug, or see my reflection in a mirror, i get self-conscious and hating.

you know what? i hate when my friends complain about their thighs. when my aunt says, "you can eat as much cake; look at you. you're nothing." i hate when my mother hates her body. i hate when my friends hate their body. i hate their complaining; i know they are beautiful and wonderful women and i don't see their flaws. no, no one sees your flaws like you see them--if they do indeed exist.

in college, most of the time i ran track, i labeled myself "the fattest fastest girl on the team." i was hardly fat--when i was on the pill, i was in the 120s. yes, 120 pounds and i was the fattest. my coach was good at making us feel insecure over everything we ate.

i got sick--really sick--my senior year of college. a horrible case of sinusitis meant running was hellishly impossible and i constantly felt nauseas. the only thing i could seem to keep down was rice check. i would have a small bowl once or twice a day, sleep a lot, drag myself around.

yet, it was astounding at how everyone kept telling me, "you look so good," "how did you lose that weight?" and worst of all--"i wish i got what you got so i wouldn't eat." they didn't seem to understand at how merely going to my two classes and part-time job was hell; a 40 minute run required a nap afterwards and i was constantly suffering. but i looked good; because skinny=good. skinny=pretty.

i'm hating a lot lately because i can't fit into some of my really rad clothes--that's really the main reason. all my weight gathers in my stomach, and previously loose/comfortable clothing is no longer. it makes me sad. i lost a lot of weight during training for my first marathon when i ran much less; now, i think, during my marathon training last autumn, i probably gained weight.

i don't want to be obsessive. i don't believe in diets. i think dieting is bullshit and unhealthy. still, i'd like to lose my pudge. i know my problem; i indulge in too many sweets.

worse than hearing those i love hating their bodies, i hate them talking about dieting. about being on a diet. "you're beautiful, you're not fat! that's unhealthy!" i think my metabolism has slowed down as i eat a lot less than i used to but still weigh more. in the past few years, i have greatly minimized the amount of processed food i eat. i buy very few packaged meals--cereal, powerbars, etc.--but i definitely do not eat any trans fats and try to minimize the amount of high fructose corn syrup i take in (which is in my beloved gatorade).

but what to do...how can i make myself happy with what i see in the mirror? how can i make myself feel okay in the presence of my friends--instead of staring at their seemingly perfect bodies and lovely flat tummies, wishing i had them? how can i learn to just love myself and stop wasting time on this bullshit of self-hate?