i feel very strong today (and somewhat dead)

that which does not kill you makes you stronger.

--frederick nietzche

trying not to fall apart

I am so scared -- I'm running my first 100 miler and I wonder, "Have I trained enough?" I haven't done enough back-to-backs. Did I taper too early -- my longest run was a 100k back in late May. I didn't do a night run. My stomach is full of butterflies, and this week I've tried to rest, not run around too much, eat lots of carbs, hydrate.

When I asked Brad back during the San Francisco North Face Challenge last December why he ran ultras and did adventure races, he barely paused to think. "You reach the highest of highs, the lowest of lows. The intensity of emotion."

He's right. The highs are so amazing -- nothing will match them. I remember during that race, running so fast (well, it felt fast -- it probably was only 7:3o or 8:00 minute miles!) through these beautiful Redwoods, feeling so free, so amazing. I love that free, amazing, absolutely high feeling. If that's what drugs are like, well, addicts, yes, I understand you because I'm addicted to RUNNING!

The lows can break you. It's the worst if you are in pain, but it's also horrendous if you're not in pain -- because then you don't even have an excuse. I can't tell you how many times I've cried during a long run in the woods. The worst was when I was completely lost in poison ivy; I cried and called T, my mom. Instead of doing a long 50 mile straight run, I did an out-and-back run which was quite tough, but at least I wasn't lost. I have to remember when I get to those black holes that it won't last. I have to think about the next aid station. I have to think about the rewards at the end, the sweet victory, that sense of accomplishment.

Right now, I'm overwhelmed with worries about the Vermont 100 Miler -- what if I get lost? What if I get hurt? What if I don't make weigh-ins? What if I get sick? What if --

I have to shut those out of my mind, and think, "What if I have fun?"

Yes, I will have fun. A blast. The greatest day of my life!

emerson quote

what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within.

packing list for the vermont 100 miler

who knows if i'll need it all, but it's better to be safe than sorry:

clothing/running accessories

• 3 sports bras
• 3 tanks/tees
• 2 long sleeved shirts
• 2 visors
• 3 underwear
• 3 socks
• 2 pairs snickers
• 2 sunglasses
• fuel belt
• replacement water bottle
• endurolytes
• sports jelly beans
• gel
• body glide!
• headlamp
• flashlight
• sweat wristbands
  

stuff to buy!

• animal crackers
• 5 hour energy shots
• snickers - 1 bag for me, 1 bag for crew
• pretzels - 3 bags
• cheap flashlight
• spray-on sunblock
• watermelon
• bagels
• gummi bears
• extra batteries
  
• peanut butter
• jelly
• ribbons for hair

anything else i'm forgetting????

counting down to the vermont 100 miler!

I am getting WAY too excited about the Vermont 100 miler. It's next Saturday and Sunday, 18-19 of July (yes, two days!). I really have no idea how I'll fare. I KNOW I'm strong enough to finish, but the amount of time it will take me...well, I think there's a chance I could finish sub-24 hours, but I also think it could take as long as 28 or 29 hours. As long as I finish in 29:59:59 (the cut-off is 30 hours!), I'll be happy.

I'm really getting excited. I'm lucky enough to have my amazing friend Mecca pace me the last 30 miles. When I first asked her, the longest she had run was a marathon, but she readily agreed. Don't worry, Mecca, I'll probably be crawling with the worms and snakes so I can talk to that antelope growing out of the dirt I'll be hallucinating, so keeping up with me won't be a problem at all. I also have the original Boston Bill as my crew -- he'll be refilling my water bottles, fetching me gatorade, and making sure I'm eating enough fun-sized snickers bars. I'm so excited.

The course is dirt roads, some single track, a little paved roads, and a lot of fun. The volunteers are supposed to be amazing (but aren't they almost always?), the food is like an all-you-can-eat-buffet (I think if I ever got married, I'd talk to a Race Director and see if they'd cater. I especially loved the food at the Vermont 50 miler, especially at the mile 25 aid station - I think I ate three pieces of homemade coffeecake!), and you get to run - my favourite thing!

I'm starting to organize stuff -- getting food together, clothes, figuring out shoes. I need to get a small flashlight for the start of the race, make sure I have it all arranged. I have lists.

I'm so nervous. I've never done this before. The longest I've run is at the 100k - which was slightly longer than a 100k. I know I can do it.

But sometimes, I hit rock bottom. Even the 45 miler I did a few weeks ago, it was awful. I was shuffling, felt like hell...but after some caffeine, I started perking up. I know I'll be crying, moaning, wondering why I'm doing this...and I only hope it doesn't take too long to remember.

But I know there will be the high points -- where I'll feel amazing, like I'm flying, feel totally free...and I can't wait for those!

burning man 2009

so things fall apart; the center cannot hold. all my plans disintegrated a few weeks ago, but as my dad says, "things always get better." and they have. i am definitely going back to burning man.
so far, i bought my tent, my plane ticket out there...i still have lots of organizing to do, but it's exciting and fun, despite the chaos. i am either moving immediately before or immediately after, so that should add to the insanity as well. my boyfriend may or may not come (i hope he does), rachelle may or may not come, crista may or may not come, bill may or may not come...supposedly it's def gwendolyn and i.

but the preparation is half the fun. i have already putting stuff aside...little things like yummy-smelling hand sanitizer, and fun costumes and outfits. i need to get some fake fur so i can make a hot pink fake fur bikini to wear around the playa.

why do i go? i go because it is a place where i feel 100% myself, i feel completely free. there are few places i feel totally free: when i'm running is the main place, but burning man is the other. by free i mean i can be 100% me, run around, do whatever i want, not have to worry abt what will others thing or hold myself back from how i truly feel like acting. it's not something i think abt doing consciously, but i do. everyone does.

meanwhile, looking forward to august 31.

here's a video to inspire and excite you on the art of burning man:

Nicole Krauss Quote

Her kiss was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.

a few photos of the south mtn 100k!

Look at how fast we're running!

ensure and iced oatmeal cookies (that's what in my hand): food of champion ultrarunners!

alice hoffman quote from THE STORY GIRLS

love is what matters. real love. the kind that turns you inside out.

rules for life

conclusions at the age of thirty:

rule #3:
family comes first. family includes t.

rule #8:
always follow your heart.

rule #14:
don't let others tell you what to do.

rule #83:
commuter trains are made for crying.

rule #46:
there's not enough time to do things you don't want to do.

rule #38:
there's not enough space to be friends with bad people.

rule #9:
always go back to your roots. never stop writing.

rule #22:
retail therapy is probably more affordable than regular therapy, and at least you have something tangible at the end.

rule #77:
accept compliments.

rule #83:
let others take care of you, on occasion.

rule #122:
don't rely on anyone else to help you out.

rule #44:
chocolate is better than any anti-depressant.

rule #25:
make love not war.

rule #111:
see your friends solo. you are friends with your friends, not their partners.

rule #98:
believe in yourself, even if no one else does.

rule #167:
don't go where you're not 100% welcome.

rule #148:
kissing is the best thing in the world that's free.

rule #27:
when you're tired, rest. if not, exalt.

rule #94:
wear sexy, comfortable underwear, even if no one sees them but you.

rule #104:
you're never too old for hot fudge sundaes with dad.

rule #89: it's okay to cry, and dark sunglasses help avoid nosy questions.

reflections on 29

written on the metronorth train going to new haven on the last day of me being 29

this is it - 29. my last day of being 29. tomorrow i'll be 30 - i can't beleive it. my twenties have flown - but also been jam-packed. it's kenny's birthday today, but as he and i don't talk, the only day it is to me is: the last day of 29.

when i was in my twenties, i:

• got a bachelor's degree
• got an mfa
• got an mls
• wrote two novels (that are not yet published, but will be!)
• ran lots of marathons, including a PR of 3:28 at boston
• started running ultramarathons, including a bunch of 50ks, 3 50 milers, and 1 100k!
• traveled around europe for nearly four months alone
• also backpacked in brazil, costa rica & argentina
• learnt to be self-sufficient and grown-up
• got a great cat
• experienced (and am experiencing) an amazing romance with t
• went to burning man
  

south mountain 100k

On Saturday, I ran the South Mountain 100k. It was a tough course, with three loops of two out-and-backs. Lisa and I arrived 10 minutes late, but quickly started off on the course - perhaps too quickly! We attacked the hills early on, running fast, trying to catch up with the others. 51 runners started the race, and only 11 finished - and I was pleased to be one of the 11 runners!

The first loop we were so focused on catching up that I didn't notice the difficulty of the first loop. There were rocks, roots, and plenty of hills. When we finished the first loop, we fueled up at our drop bags and headed back out. The second loop was much more runnable; there was an especially pretty meadow section that reminded us of The Sound of Music (and thanks to Lisa, I got it in my head every time we ran through the meadow). At the second out-and-back's aid station, we chatted with volunteers about the VT100 miler, VT50, and I enjoyed some delicious iced oatmeal cookies.

The first loop of 20.whatever miles was tough, but I felt strong. The second loop was difficult, but we remained in good spirits. Especially good was ice-cold watermelon at the second aid station! I def need to keep that in mind for the VT100 - it was a lovely treat. Otherwise, I ate strawberry banana gu, pretzels, some sports jelly beans.

I was in some pain miles 40-50, but pushed through it. Lisa was an amazing hiker (on the uphills we walked, she was tough to keep up with) and I struggled behind her. I felt my asthma struggle a bit (perhaps this was a precursor to the intensely scary, almost emergency-room-visit-requiring asthma attack i had today), but my albuterol kept things in line.

The last ten miles were great. I had borrowed Brennen's headlamp, which we didn't use until the very, very end (maybe the last 1/2 mile or so), and as the sun went down, we struggled on the trails. I felt great and pushed as best as I could, though I was looking forward to taking off my sneakers - I had a painful blister on my ankle I really wanted to free from the constraints of my shoe. Watermelon 5 miles from the finish really perked me up (ahhhh!) and Lisa and I ran in strong to the finish.

It was great to do an entire 100k with someone else; Lisa and I chatted, she offered lots of tips and advice from her experience in the VT100 last year. We kept each other motivated, and at a fast pace.

I woke up sore and in pain, but now, I'm almost 100%. Actually, I'm going to go pop that blister now...

trail running on the greenbelt

last saturday, i headed out for an adventure on long island. i had the entire day ahead of me, a nathan-pack full of gels, pretzels, water and sports jelly beans, and i was ready to run!

after a subway ride and the LIRR, i arrived in cold spring harbor. it's a fairy easy trek to the greenbelt from there - you cross the parking lot, make a right on 108 (i believe that's the name of the road), and make your first left. shortly after, you'll hit the trail.

i ran for hours. i got lost countless times, pushed myself whenever i could. the scenery was lovely and i mostly had a great time.

i hit rock bottom; that's what i love abt endurance running: the intensity. i had some really intense highs were i was flying up hills, running hard, pushing myself, loving every last minute of it. but then i kept getting lost - the trail was poorly marked at parts, i was getting lost, running through poison ivy, getting attacked by thorn bushes. i started to cry a little. "i can't do this anymore." were my mother home, i would have called her and asked her to pick me up. she wasn't, and i was alone. i had to figure this out for myself.

i'm glad i did. when a trail ended on a road and i couldn't find my way out of it, i ran back the way i came. it was a long run back, but it wasn't boring. it was still pretty. i found a grocery store where i was able to wash my arms and legs free from potential poison ivy; i filled up my water.

i kept running. i got lost. i couldn't find my way out of the stupid park. i kept asking for directions from some mountain bikers; we kept running into each other, all of us lost. when i found my way out, you know what i did? i ran back in on an easy trail (where i wouldn't get lost) for another hour. i wanted at least 8 hours of running.

and i ran more than that. i ran. i felt great. at the end, i was thirsty and light-headed. i ended at the same train station i started at, and collapsed on the platform in the two minutes i had before my train arrived. i ate a powerbar protein recovery bar (yum!) and drank some water. everyone stared.

i felt strong. accomplished. i feel ready for the VT100 miler. it's the mental i have to get through, and i know it will get tough, but i know i will survive.

great ultrarunning video

UltraRunning from Matt Hart on Vimeo.

those moments

those moments come when you least expect it. like when you're in the card aisle of cvs on a break from work, picking out a father's day card for your father. you don't have a lot of time, so you decide to leave the father's day card for your grandfather until another day. (you have, after all, over a month until father's day.) and this is fine, until you realize: you may not need a father's day card for your grandfather. he is 89 and having surgery this week.

and you try not to crumple into tears with q-tips, hair elastics, toothpaste, and a father's day card for dad in your arms, and someone reaches past you to open an insipid musical card, and new york city never lets you have peace - but sometimes, it's easier this way.

North Face Challenge Bear Mountain 50 Miler

I was very hesitant about signing up for this race not only because the terrain is SO technical (and technical running is NOT one of my strong suits), but also because last year the cutoffs were SO tight that the majority of people who started did not finish. I did not want to have a DNF after my name, but decided the pursuit of running happiness ranked higher than the potential DNF. I signed up. I really do love running; this is what sustains me, more than most people. You know how when you go to your parents' house you go straight to the fridge, pour yourself a glass of milk and can eat cookies and talk with your parents and feel so at home? That's how I feel when I'm running. More than anything else, it's ultimately, 100% me. It's my authentic self.

Starting at 5am in rain, I quickly remembered that running with my headlamp is annoying. (I was glad when it started to get light, and removed my headlamp.) The start was difficult, with some rocks, water, splashing, downhills, more rocks, rain, and still, the feeling of excitement ran through my body.

The rain stopped after about an hour or so; I drank water in between aid stations, would fill up on oranges at the aid stations, but mainly ate my own foods, which I carried and/or left in the drop bags: strawberry banana gu, pretzels, fun-sized snickers bars, and animal crackers.

I'm not the strongest technical runner, so whenever we reached a semi-flat part or less rocky part, I pounded out those miles. People were impressed (but probably not impressed with how wussy I was on the downhills). The earlier miles I ran with a bunch of people, but was very careful on the slippery boulders I ran across. I lost them then, but passed them on some flats. It's how it goes.

One of the things I love about ultrarunning is how so much can happen in one race: I met so many people (including someone who had NEVER run on a trail before in his life!) yet also spent a good part of the race by myself, admiring nature, doing some thinking. On the parts where I was able to go fast, I got to reach that state of euphoria that only running can give me. Ah, endorphins...

Around mile 18, I ran into a guy who said he was hurting. He drank some of my water, and I ended up almost not getting my water bottle back. At the mile 20 aid station, I regrouped with Nelson, saw Matt (amazing cheerleader of the day! Go Matt!), and headed out. Shortly after this, I lost Nelson and everyone else and was running alone.

I was ecstatic to make all of the cut-off points, at the mile 34.5 cutoff, I made it with 31 minutes to spare, making up time. The volunteers were so amazing, treating me like a muddy princess.

The trails...they were up, and down, and very, very rocky. We have been having heaps of rain all week, so the paths were incredibly muddy...some of the trails were SO wet, it would appear I was running in streams, or even lakes. "We need flippers for this," one trail newbie grumbled to me. It was quite mucky and I tried not to think of snakes. Luckily, I only saw one snake, and it was a garter snake. The terrain being so wet and crazy, and me being a less confident and especially less experienced trail runner, I lost time on some of these parts.

Around mile 30, my right shin really started hurting me. I had problems with shin splints two months ago or so, and while I thought they healed totally, the pain was excruciating. It was so painful the thought of dropping out crossed my mind for one second -- "In the long run, for the health of my leg, it would probably be better" -- but then I squashed that thought. "I am not causing permanent damage, I will finish. I will not DNF." Whenever the pain got bad (which was, unfortunately, quite often, especially when I was walking or starting to run again), I thought of my grandmother -- "She has cancer, had surgery, is starting radiation -- her pain is worse than this. This is for grandma." So I continued.

The volunteers were great at all of the aid stations, grabbing my water bottles, constantly asking if I needed anything. The food selection wasn't the greatest, but I enjoyed the oranges and the occasional salty potato.

I had a lot of quiet time, wit nature, to just observe and feel free. It was a struggle, but mostly, it was pure bliss. The time between aid stations seemed enormous ("This must be way more than what they said!") but the day flew by and felt much quicker than the 12:30 it took me.

There was a horrible hill around mile 46 ("There's a bit of a hill," the volunteer at the aid station prior told me unhelpfully; it was THE WORSE hill on the whole course, and seemed to go on forever), but between the last aid station and the finish, it was mostly runnable. I flew (except for where I hit the lake that took over the trail, there I ran sloppily, hoping there were no snakes).

I came in to the finish, arms raised in the air, ecstatically happy to have completed. The course was tough, the day tested me, but ultimately, I persevered.

sundays

it's weird. on sundays, i finally start to feel like my true self -- and then i realize i have to go back to work monday. true cherie for just one night, i suppose.

Wise Words to Live By

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as man as you could."

-Louise Erdich, The Painted Drum

trying to think my way out of the "corporate box"

"i don't want to be a professional. as soon as you become a professional, half the inspiration disappears."

--larry harvey, burning man founder

Lucille Ball Quote

I would rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.

boston marathon 2009: 3:28!!!!

it's funny how boston is the standard of marathons. when you say, "boston" to another runner, they know you mean the boston marathon. even non-runners are impressed; while my boss came out and cheered me on at the new york city marathon (with a sign and everything!), she was so proud of my personal best time at boston ("look...look how many people you beat! you came in the 6,000s out of over 25,000 runners!") she started meetings by announcing my success. everyone knows it's THE marathon...

i almost didn't do it. i qualified in the nyc marathon; i was aiming for a personal best in nyc and i got one (3:32) but then crista was doing boston...and i had to do it. crista ended up NOT doing boston, but i had already paid. "there's no refund! i have to run it."

i ran a 50k two weeks before boston, and was really nervous. i had been running longer, slower, and doing less speed overall. i didn't have super high expectations, but wanted to PR, have a good time, and run strong.

i arrived in boston full of energy. i bought two boxes of Gu at the expo (strawberry banana, yum!) and realized after the expo that i didn't have my endurolytes. these help balance my electrolyte deficincies, which my doctor and i discovered i am prone to. i hoped i would run well.

the morning started off good. i got nearly eight hours of sleep, and met a super nice guy on my bus ride. we chatted and were super runner nerds ("oooh, kara goucher!") and it helped keep me calm. i headed into my corral and chatted with a fellow new yorker, shivering. it was COLD!

after the race started, my first mile was actually kind of slow. i picked it up, cursing that i was in the last corral of the first wave. this meant i had to fight my way forward...and fight i did. but i enjoyed myself. i smiled, i waved, i ran strong, i watched my watch...i was on target for 3:22, 3:23.

of course i started feeling nausea (i'm blaming the lack of endurolytes, though it also could've been the speed i'm not used to), which slowed me down the last few miles. i refused to give in. i ate pretzels. i ate oranges, lots of them. i ate watermelon (oh. my. god. i am going to have watermelon at my 50miler next week - it was that incredible!). i tried to force down gus. i got kisses from wellsley girls. i felt great, strong, happy, alive.

coming into boston i ran into a strong headwind but kept pushing. i was disappointed my time wasn't as fast as i had hoped, but i was still PR'ing. at the finish, i didn't pass out (that's saying something for me) and was rewarded with an amazing hot cocoa but a good friend. that was probably the best hot cocoa i ever had in my life. it was SO good. i asked for more whipped cream after i ate it all, and the guy gave me a ton. fantastic!

this race was amazing because i felt good, strong, happy, and i ran fast! 3:28!

and you know what? i qualified for boston at this race. i just might have to do it again next year!

i think this website read my mind

even sicker, i think i'm addicted to ultramarathons...

Are you addicted to running marathons?

Do your thoughts switch to the next scheduled race immediately after finishing a marathon?

Are you signed up for more than one race right now?

Do you know specifics about many of the marathons? Dates, courses, years run, etc.?

Do you know the story of how the marathon got started? Also why the course is 26.2 miles?

Do you read books on marathons like Marathon and Beyond?

Is www.marathonguide.com book marked on your computer? Do you look at the race schedule more than once a week?

Do you start to feel down when you haven't run a marathon in a while?

Are your closets and dressers filled with marathon t-shirts?

Do you have so many marathon medals that you've run out of room on the hook they hang from?

When asked about your racing from none running people, do you find yourself talking with great passion to the point that the person that asked the question regrets ever asking?

Have you run marathons on back to back weekends? Or better yet back to back days?

Have you run a marathon as a training run? Or just to pace a friend?

When asked by loved ones what your plans are for the weekend, you feel guilty telling them your running another marathon so you tell them "it's only a half this weekend"?

Do you plan all your vacations around a marathon race?

Well if you answered yes to any of these questions, you just may be a Marathon Maniac!!!

reach the beach 2008 relay

aren't we so fun?

what sustains me

in my mfa program, anne waldman had us do a writing exercise on what sustains us. i can't currently find the results of what sustained me, but i'm pretty sure what sustained me back in 2001 is very different than what sustains me now.

what sustains me:

• running
• my family
• trev
• my home life, inc. luna & vegetarian cooking
• burning man type parties where i can wear fairy wings and truly be myself
• writing

i haven't written in too long, so i really should do that. but keep true to what sustains you instead of the things that don't matter.

the importance of the important

lately, i've really been evaluating my life and seeing what is important. my grandma has recurrent melanoma; it's an extremely aggressive form of cancer. it came back again in her leg, and so there's been lots of talk abt no chemo, abt surgery, abt radiation, abt what-to-do. my gram is getting surgery, then radiation, and it's a scary, sad, hard process.

last week, after much thought and decision, t and i drove down to florida. (or rather, he drove all but one hour and i sat in the passenger seat, babbling and knitting and dozing.) it was great seeing my grandparents, but i think the worst thing, was the talk of "what-would-happen-to-papa [my grandpa]-should-something-happen-to-gram"? i realized that quite possibly, not only would i lose one grandparent in a short period of time, but two. gram makes sure papa eats, takes care of himself, doesn't drink too much, and she gives him love and life.

"i can't comprehend it!" i told t as we drove to easter dinner. "i can't imagine...i can't imagine what it would be like."

shortly after, i curled into the fetal position as t drove. "you okay?" he asked, and i replied quite honestly, "no." we drove in silence until shortly after, racking hysterical sobs overtook my body. i couldn't control it and he pulled over when he could and held me as i cried.

a coworker called me the next day, freaking out abt a petty deadline. i had no sympathy. how can i? my grandmother is sick, this is life or death. it's so hard to care about things like deadlines and formatting on a document and when someone says "i need this urgently" i know they don't. you need oxygen, food, water, and not cancer to live, not some stupid research.

this situation has forced me to think a lot abt my life, abt how i am not living like i want to live...and i'm starting to make changes. small ones, but i need to write more, live more, spend more time with my family and less time with petty bs.

burning man video #2

how can i not be super excited to go after seeing this?

i can't wait until august to truly be myself

vermont 100 miler

This is getting me too excited; this will be my first 100 miler this July!

i won (kinda)

i ran sunday's forest park 50k in forest park, queens. lured by the fact that a race was a mere 15 min drive away (thanks, t!) or even a subway ride, i had to do it!

the course was 2.6 miles, which we did 13 times. the organizers were all super friendly and great, and they had a pretty nice aid station (potatoes, cookies, chips, pretzels, soda, gatorade, water, etc.). i mostly ate my own food (2 gels, gummybears, a mini-snickers bar, pretzels), but ate potatoes dipped in salt and drank gatorade. yum!

the field was pretty small - i think they said there were 14 runners. there was only one other woman, and she dropped out after the 6th lap. whenever i passed, the race directors would shout, "the leading woman!" i would say, "but i'm the only woman!"

i didn't go all out -- i have boston in two weeks, and was using this as a training run. there were some pretty steep hills -- hills that you walk in an ultra. i ran until a certain point (which i kept the same each lap -- "just make it to that tree, cherie," i'd tell myself) and then walked. and then i started running at another certain point.

the hills were great practice for vermont -- one of the race directors told me he trained for vermont on these trails, walking up and running down one of the hills. i definitely plan on doing that.

when i finished, i got a trophy that said WINNER which pleased me -- probably the only time that will happen in an ultra. 5:43:03 -- my personal best for a 50k. after, i ate lots of veggies and went to the beach with t. it was a really nice day! t asked me, "are you happy?" and i said, "of course! i ran a 50k on great trails, and now i'm on the beach with you. what could be better?"

what indeed?

you know you're an ultrarunner when...

you think adding vanilla energy gel or plain energy gel to your coffee to sweeten it is a good idea.

i kid you not. my friend nelson told me this during our long run today!

becoming a 100% athlete

i've really been focused on my training a lot lately; i'm training for the vermont 100 this july, and i've never been this focused on my training -- i try to go to the gym 2-3 times a week for strength training, cross-train (if possible) 1-2 times per week, and i run 5 days a week or so. i've been doubling up on some days as well, and it helps that my job is a very managable easy run - plus not much longer than taking the subway! it's much nicer running than it is being crammed in a subway car, standing, and waiting forever at hoyt-schemerhorn for the G. i try to incorporate at least 1 day of speed, 1 day of plyometrics, and 1 long run day.

i've also been focusing on my nutrition a little more. i eat really healthy generally -- pretty much all whole grains (except trevor's semolina/white flour pasta which is to die for!), veggies, fruits, dairy, eggs, nuts, very little processed foods (ironically, many of my "running snacks" are processed in some sort of way -- GU, energy bars, pretzels). i have a huge sweet tooth, and recently decided to try to limit my sweet intake. it's been a week and a half and i haven't had any sweets (save honey in my tea) -- which is huge for me, considering i have three kinds of girl scout cookies (thanks, mom!) and grandma's cookies in my house (in the freezer).

if running is such a big part of my life, i need to treat my body very well. i find that eating all this good stuff -- lots of greens, protein, and all-around yumminess -- i'm often not hungry for sweets. i'm SO proud of myself knowing how much i love sweets. the more i've stayed away, the less i crave them. in fact, i don't even want them! how bizarre is that!?

i know i'll be eating sweets again, but i think cutting them out for this short period has made me understand how important it is for me to eat as healthy as possible. i'm trying to eat often (low blood sugar makes me ill if i don't eat often enough -- i get very lightheaded and it's scary) and well and i feel quite healthy.

i feel ready to run!

Long Live the Dalai Lama

Peace for Tibet...and freedom for Tibet.

ultrarunning is not unhealthy

a great post here!

whenever my mom says, "all that running is bad for you," i reply, "i eat a vegetarian, whole-grain, primarily organic diet. i sleep 7-8 hours a night, strength train, stretch, cross-train, do yoga, and yes, i run a ridiculous amount. once you start working on five days a week [as is now recommended] and stop eating fast food and all that processed crap, we can talk."

i love my mom but i wish she would not nag me; i'll nag her when she nags me. she is getting better, exercising more. she just needs to kick that damn nutrasweet habit.

long live the dalai lama

the dalai lama speaks out abt how the chinese gov't is treating tibetans.

get ready to vomit

Vatican defends rape-abortion case excommunication

A senior Vatican cleric has defended the excommunication of the mother and doctors of a 9-year-old girl who had an abortion in Brazil after being raped.



WTF!?!?!? The church is SO messed up.

why same-sex marriage should be legal

because no one deserves to die alone

running in nyc

on friday, i thought i'd do at least 30-40 miles, but that wasn't in the plans. sometimes, you need to listen to your body. my head and overall body felt disoriented; i think it was electrolyte deficiency, and i was taking endurolytes, but apparently, not enough. i only ran 23 or 24 mile, but had some good times. i saw some pretty amazing street scenes in chinatown, the kind of scenes that make you think you are in a foreign country. today i ran 15 miles and have spent the rest of the day doing stuff for work (ugh) and knitting and chilling with t. tomorrow i'm volunteering at a 5ok and a wintry mix (the dreaded wintry mix!) is predicted. spring can't come soon enough!

thinking back on 2009

when i made my new year's resolutions a few months ago, i of course had the ones we all have -- you know, lose weight, keep a cleaner house, whatever. but i had a few that i really stuck to:

1. be a better girlfriend. i realized t was putting a ton of effort into the relationship, and really supporting me in ways most people couldn't. ("honey, i'm going for a run tomorrow. i'm leaving at 7 a.m. and returning 4 p.m. then i'll be too tired to do anything but eat and shower. you don't mind me not being present on sat, do you?") so i've tried to be a better girlfriend and not letting running take over my life as much as it sometimes does.
2. be less busy. i remember crista and i sitting on a rock on christmas day in bariloche. the weather was beautiful (80s), sunny, and the town quiet. we had some relaxing good meals, lovely desserts, and wonderful conversations. we both realized how stressed we always are, and how busy. and i vowed to be less busy. it's been hard but i've done it. i've cut out the excess shit (you know, the big group dinner you didn't have fun at anyway, the networking event you hated going to, the errands you really should combine into one trip instead of three...) and i feel calmer. i try to get friends who have more time to come to me -- or i'll combine two birds with one stone by inviting friends over to have dinner with me (i'm eating a lot of yummy homemade awesome foods lately) or share some of my extensive tea collection. i feel less stressed and like i have more time. t and i have had some lovely quiet nights at home, which is truly feeling more and more like a home for the two of us.

2009 is a great year so far!

buenos aires, part II

ringing in the new year with my girl!

beautiful statues at recoletta.and of course, eva's resting place at the recoletta cemetary.

they call this food. crista and i were very frightened.
with some new friends at museum club (wearing cute new dress -- crista and i shopped heaps!)

when it was time to leave, i was sad, but psyched to get home to good food!

mar del plata

who wears the purse in this relationship? me and my friend scott. he's grabbed my purse though!
three running musketeers - cris, scott, and me

nothing captivates me like waves

the beach crew. poor cris reacted towards malaria pills and got bad sunburns, thus, had to cover up.

iguazu

so amazingly beautiful. these waterfalls blew away anything i've ever seen before.

bariloche, again

in bariloche again, i met up with crista. it was different traveling with someone else (i'm honestly not used to it), but quickly adjusted. we had a blast -- shopping, eating chocolate, hiking.at the stupa at the top of a horseback riding, the beautiful prayer flags.

we went horseback riding on xmas eve, and saw this amazing view at the top. the horseback ride would've been more pleasant if crista and i didn't have to go to the bathroom during it.
the amazing lake we hiked to.

the chocolate-obsession in bariloche was insane. i wanted to climb into this case and eat my way out!!!!

amazing view on our hike.

the best chocolate cake of my life. i am still dreaming of it.

el bolson

of all the places i went in argentina, el bolson was my favourite. in the morning before i flew to bariloche, still tipsy, i met some other travelers who had been to el bolson and talked abt how absolutely boring it was. i worried. they were wrong.

i had a blast. my first day was freezing and rainy. the hippie fair, part of the reason i went there, was winding down b/c it was so crazy windy and rainy. i bought some amazing jewelry (v, rachelle, rosa, and others, this is where it's from) and met some amazing artists. i spoke spanish. i bought yarn -- handmade -- from this awesome argentine family (and i'm currently -- as in, tonight! -- knitting with it and it's absolutely gorgeous!). i talked spanish with random people. i ate a waffle topped with amazing fresh raspberries and cream. i fed a stray dog. i met a nice american boy at a cafe who's farming down here. we had some pretty amazing conversations.

back at my hostel, i chilled with silvio and jerome. they were both really interesting. also met a nice argentine boy, marco. at the hostel, we cooked, chilled, knitted (well, that was me, and eden crocheted) by the fireplace. i drank a $3 bottle of red wine that was quite delish.


silvio and i went on an amazing hike to this waterfall. we got lost hiking there and coming back. it was absolutely stunning, truly a vortex. it took our breath away. it was phenomenal. el bolson truly is a special place.

jerome, silvio and i headed to a type of commune outside of el bolson where we celebrated the summer solstice with yoga, chanting, and meditation. it was freezing but pretty amazing. i don't know the spanish words for some of the asanas, but i figured much of it out...it was an amazing and special time.

el bolson is one of those places -- kind of like burning man or dominical, that takes you breath away. the combination of nature and amazing people and some sort of truly special vortex...i did not want to leave. it was truly a peaceful and wonderful place. i miss it.

bariloche, argentina

i got to bariloche, exhausted from clubbing all night long. i immediately went down to the water and lost myself in the amazing view. i met a nice argentine jeweler who invited me to a party. unfortunately, i was way too hired and almost felt like i was on some sort of crazy drugs - i was that out of it from exhaustion. i went to bed at 8:30 pm

buenos aires, part I

buenos aires was great. it had the same intensity as new york city, only more chill and less stressful/in-your-face. i met a rad woman from queens who was staying in my room. we ended up talking about burning man while walking around the japanese gardens and in a modern art museum.

the other big thing i did was go clubbing. pretty fun. here's me and one of my hostel friends, while drinking caipirnhas. we went to the legendary club 69, with drag queen performers and too much fun. i came home at 7:30 a.m. (you don't go clubbing until at least two a.m.) and i was tipsy. i sat on the balcony of my hostel, chatting with other tipsy and tired backpackers. and then i flew (on less than two hours sleep) to bariloche.

salta

in salta, i spent a lot of time walking, thinking. i did a pretty amazing hike (here i was sweaty after the hike), met some rad peeps, and really fell in love with mate.
my view from my hike.
another view from my hike.
the architecture in salta was just stunning.


i ended up knitting frantically to finish crista's xmas gift. here i was, chilling in the sweaty salta afternoon, knitting on the hammock. it was quite nice and relaxing...i had a great hostel, met some amazing people. it was here i made some realizations about my life, about love, about needing time to think and be and live.

full reportback on argentina trip

sorry for the delay. i'll be posting photos and brief bullets on my argentina trip in the next few posts.

what kind of idiot i am

"Any idiot can run a marathon. It takes a special kind of idiot to run an ultramarathon."

--Alan Cabelly

valentine's day ode: things i love

my morning started off all depressed, but quickly got better. i headed out for a good 43 mile run. my mood has greatly lifted, though i'm absolutely exhausted.

to counter my crapola mood earlier, i thought i'd highlight some of the things i love:

1. t. duh. since 1999 (with breaks here and there), we've been madly in love, each other's everything.
2. running. as if i even needed to put this. if t. completes me, running makes me who i am. (once i asked t, "would you still love me if i weighed 500 pounds?" and he said, "no, because if you were 500 pounds, you wouldn't be who you are. you wouldn't be a runner, and you would be very different."
3. chocolate. today is my favorite day of the year for that!
4. my family. my parents never give up on me, and always believe in me. my sister is still totally nuts and i love her for that. my grandparents are all kind as well, though they definitely don't understand the running.
5. yoga. it's often after doing yoga that i get the full mental benefits.
6. writing. i don't do it enough lately, but i love getting into a groove and completing something i'm proud of.
7. dancing. i love to dance and feel totally free and alive. at burning man, i went out alone during a dust storm and ended up dancing and hula hooping to some amazing old skool hip hop, and i felt so alive and amazing and ecstatic.
8. traveling. what's not amazing abt seeing new and fantastic places?
9. reading. i love to lost myself in another world.
10. crafting. it's so rad to create something fantastic yourself.
11. vegetarian cooking. i love baking and cooking. being vegetarian (and to be honest, not always the easiest eater to please), this is the best way to have a satisfying meal.
12. my kitty.
13. aid stations. you can pig out all you want (though if you watch me shovel my food at an aid station, you would probably think i was revolting!).
14. burning man. ah, to be totally free and alive and carefree and ecstatically happy...!
15. good mail, like letters from v or love letters or my running mags.
16. my kickass friends, like v and rosa and all the runners and everyone else who contributes amazingly to me being as happy as can be.
    

v-day

no, i'm not unfortunately talking abt the day where we celebrate how great v is, but i'm talking abt valentine's day. what is today? is it really a hallmark holiday?

as the years have gone on, i've continued in the same relationship, but i can honestly say it's never been boring. hard, yes. painful, yes. complicated, yes. but NEVER boring.

t's job requires him to be at sea away from phones and work nonstop for 1-2 wks at a time. he's working right now, on v-day. we normally don't place such importance on v-day. in fact, we've probably been most often apart on v-day. it makes us realize how important we are to each other.

this year, we were supposed to be together, but t's work schedule changed (what else is new?). our plans were spend the day together, maybe get a hike in upstate or go to a museum and have a romantic dinner at home, but he's out. and it's weird -- no one is telling me it's v-day, and i haven't even seen any signs (it's 8 a.m.!) but i'm filled with this sadness...lately, him being away for work is harder and harder.

so i'm going to turn v-day around this year. i am abt to head out the door for a good, looooong run -- maybe 7 hours or so. we'll see. i'll be happy if i can do abt five hours. then, some good cooking (lentil stew or granny's barley soup), some knitting, eating chocolate and drinking wine, and seeing a good friend dj. this v-day, i'm going to skip the commercialism and love myself.

for the love of it

i had an awesome run home today -- ran fast, it was 50, i felt great. running along the east river in manhattan and brooklyn was beautiful and quiet.

i just signed up for a notoriously tough 50 miler with cutoffs many of my friends did not make. they altered the course, but still, i worried. the terrain is technical -- will i make the cut-offs? i emailed my friend nelson, who wrote,

As far as whether you will complete the 50M in time? So what if you do not? 13 hours outside in May! Still, it is hard work...

he's so right. i'm getting away from the point. i run because i love it. i had a huge smile on my face, running through the streets of nyc today. running makes me feel free, alive, amazing. yes, i will be disappointed if i don't make it...but i'll be elated if i do! i'll never know unless i try, and it will be challenging AND fun, no matter what.

i love my mommy and daddy

i'm 29, but sometimes, i still feel like a child. tonight i had a fantastic run home, made a kickass dinner of risotto (yes, what a pain but oh-so-yummilicious!) with pesto, butternut squash, cannellini beans and broccoli, and am abt to put a pot of tea on. i'm happy, my apt is clean, i may start some knitting...but just talking to my mom made me realize how important my parents are to me. they still do so much for me, and i feel SO comfortable there. if i had a car, i would go to fortunato brother's, get a box of pastries (i'm really hardcore craving their lemon cookies), and drive over there to snuggle in my granny nightgown (which my mom bought me a few years back) under those amazing blankets we love in my family and watch the bishop's wife or some movie we all love. home is where the heart is...but seriously, lately, t and i have done heaps of organizing, we got a bunch of plants and i love it. i feel so comfortable, so happy, so at home and lovey here as well.

i'm so sad that our country is based on hate

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

it's even worse after an ultra, people!

sick

i hate being sick. i've been sick since sunday night...i went home sick monday and tuesday from work, have been sleeping a lot, not really running. today i worked from home. feeling rather drained and weak, but hoping to get back in shape for a good long run this weekend.

my dad loves this song....i hope this guy saves me next time i almost drown while surfing

lovely (or lazy) saturdays

wake up early, but not too early. eat pbj on cinnamon raisin bagel. run. sofreakingcold. instead of 20 miles, do 12. come home and make buttermilk blueberry pancakes. straighten up. drink tea. eat banana bread. shower. chill. read cookbooks in bed while drinking riesling. now, t is making pasta in the kitchen (from scratch), i'm roasting red peppers in the oven, drinking more wine. we're eating olives, extra-sharp cheddar, macadamia nuts, snuggled in warm heat, feeling the good life. i was hoping to find cheap plane tickets to houston for rocky raccoon, but it's too much. i'm satisifed. tomorrow will be miriam's for brunch, followed by seeing milk, and then max brenner chocolatier-- all with my mom. superbowl? huh? yes, i'll be making soup, and it will be soup-er!

p.s. i love wine!

i'm not afraid of colour

my closet door is totally messed up, and my landlord and i were on the phone, determining the details of when the handyperson could come over and fix it.

"his name is alex, and i have to warn you of something: cher, he's black."

i pause. and????

"i don't care--"

"no, it's just -- you might be afraid. but he's a very nice man."

"isaac, i'm not afraid! i'm not racist. i don't care what color his skin is--"

"it's just -- you live alone, a single woman. and-- sometimes--people get scared when they see him. and he's worked for me for years, for six years, and he's a good man, he's a very good--"

"as long as he fixes my closet, i don't care if he's purple."

i cannot take this weather anymore

i know compared to some areas of the country (the midwest, buffalo), i have nothing to complain abt. but i'm so freaking sick of the sub-freezing temps, the snow, the ice. it's horrendous. i'm on the verge of crying, "let's just move to retirement central, t!" and live in my parents' retirement condo in florida. seriously, it's so freaking cold, it's depressing, i've eaten soup more times since i've been back that it's nearly every meal (with oatmeal for breakfast), and running in the snow and ice is so sad and cold. i want to experience WARMTH. if new york city didn't have winter, it would be the perfect place to live. seriously.

doubling up

i doubled up my runs today. this morning i ran 70 minutes, and this evening, the lovely snowfall seemed to tease me into a run, so i headed out again to the streets. it was absolutely beautiful. the roads were a little slippery when i first headed out for my second run, so i ran back home and strapped on my yaktrax. the metal gripped the ice and i ran without fear happily for 80 minutes.

on my run today, i got some great feedback from strangers. i HATE being sexually harassed, but love positive feedback, like this:

"you look like you're dancing," an old woman told me this morning.

a thumbs up from some random person on my a.m. run

"now that's dedication!" some random guy on the street as i ran in a snowstorm

"you're still out here?!" the ups guy who i always say hi to, after he saw me at the finish of my run (he had seen me at the start)

winner of the 2009 darwin awards

on my beautiful run this morning (during which an old lady told me "you look like you're dancing" -- and i felt like it, sunny, snow-covered streets (but no ice), pretty lovely energy), i saw many people shoveling their sidewalks. i also saw a genius who must be a winner of the darwin awards who was HOSING THE SNOW AWAY FROM HIS SIDEWALK. um, moron, don't you realize that water equals ice?!?!?

running is my true love

i'm in absolute love with rachel toor's new book, personal record: a love affair with running. here are a few of sections that really spoke to me:

How many times have I met a guy who offered nothing in terms of mate potential only to hear his PRs and think, My, you're rather attractive. I find out that someone who seemed stupid, old, and short can still run a 2:30 marathon? Come on over, big boy. You broke four minutes when you were in college? You're cute. Some will say you're only as good as your last race. I don't agree. I'll never run a 2:30 marathon or a 3:59 mile. I am attracted to people who can or did.

I love what Toor is saying here...I totally know what she's saying. But while I'm not necessarily evaluating potential mates, I'm impressed. Like when I met Dan...wow, a fast runner! Wooohooo, taking down 22 runners!

It's possible that Khalid Khannouchi, Don Kardong, and Ian Torrence are not attractive men. I wouldn't know. They look darned good to me. Last summer I met a guy I wouldn't have talked to in a bar. Then I found out he was trying to break 2:30 at the St. George Marathon. What first seemed like skeletal geekiness was transformed int, well, you know. Speed goggles.

Yes, fast times are impressive, and somehow, make the runner seem cooler.

In regards to a first ultra...
But, but, but, I said. I've never run that far. I don't know if I can do it. It's up a mountain and back down. It's the first year of the race--things always go wrong the first year. I could get lost. I often get lost. It's desolate and deserted up there. There are no previous times to try to gauge how long it will take. It could be wet. It could be cold. (I am always cold.) I will fall. (I always fall.) There might not be enough -- or the right kind of -- food at the aid stations. I haven't trained enough. I'm scared.

She has all my doubts.

The best way to get quick and easy calories during a race is to eat candy or cookies. Race organizers know this, and ultras all over the country often have aid-station buffets that are McDonald's -like in their uniformity--M&Ms, Chips Ahoy, Oreos, Fig Newtons, and gummy bears. No matter where you're race, you'll find these staples. Many races also have volunteers who will bake brownies or cookies.

My last ultra I ate four "Fun-Sized" Snickers bars, five gels, and lots of pretzels. For me, ultra food is gummy bears, pretzels, pretzels with peanut butter (my absolute favorite snack!), cakes, brownies, cookies. Yum!

This book is a must for an ultrarunner, runner, or anyone who wants a laugh and isn't sure what the allure is in running so far for so long. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!